Waiting for Wednesday

THIRTY-FIVE

Frieda had arranged to meet Sasha at eight o’clock. Sasha had rung to say there was something she needed to tell her. Frieda hadn’t known from her voice whether it was good or bad, but she did know it was important. Before then, as she had promised, she went to see Olivia.

She didn’t know quite what to expect, but she was taken aback by Olivia’s appearance. She came to the door in a pair of striped drawstring trousers, a stained camisole and plastic flip-flops. The varnish on her toenails was chipped, her hair was greasy – but, above all, her face, puffy and pale, was bare of any makeup. Frieda thought she had never seen Olivia without it. As soon as she got out of bed in the mornings, she would carefully apply foundation, eyeliner, thick mascara, bold red lipstick. Without it, she looked vulnerable and defeated. It was hard to feel angry with her.

‘Did you forget I was coming?’

‘Not really. I didn’t know what time it was.’

‘It’s six thirty.’

‘God. Time flies when you’re asleep.’ She made an attempt at a laugh.

‘Are you ill?’

‘I had a late night. I was just having a nap.’

‘Shall I make us some tea?’

‘Tea?’

‘Yes.’

‘I could do with a drink.’

‘Tea first. There are things we need to discuss.’

‘Like me being a crap mother, you mean.’

‘No.’

They went into the kitchen together, which was as bad as Frieda had ever seen it. It was a bit like the disorder Chloë had created in Frieda’s kitchen, with glasses and bottles everywhere, rubbish spilling out of bin bags on to the sticky tiles, puddles of wax over the table, a sour smell in the air. Frieda started stacking things in the sink to create a space.

‘She ran away from me, you know,’ Olivia said, who seemed not to notice the state of the room. ‘She might have told you I threw her out, but I didn’t. She said terrible things to me and then ran off.’

‘She says you hit her with a hairbrush.’

‘If I did, it was only a soft-bristled one. My mother used to hit me with a wooden spoon.’

Frieda dropped teabags into the pot and picked two mugs out of the sink to wash. ‘Things have got a bit out of control here,’ Frieda said. ‘You need to sort them out before Chloë comes back.’

‘We’re not all like you. Everything in its proper place. That doesn’t mean I’m not coping.’

‘You look ill. You’ve spent the afternoon in bed. The house is in a dreadful state. Chloë’s left. I gather Kieran’s left too.’

‘He’s a fool. I told him to get out but I didn’t think he’d take me literally.’

‘How much are you drinking?’

‘You can’t tell me how to live my life, you know.’

‘Chloë’s in my house and we need to talk about how long she’s going to be there, and when you’ll be ready for her to come home. She can’t come home at the moment, can she?’

‘I don’t see why not.’

‘Olivia, she’s still a child. She needs boundaries and she needs order.’

‘I knew you were going to tell me I was a crap mother.’

‘I’m saying that Chloë needs to be woken in the morning, talked to in the evening. She needs a clean kitchen and food in the fridge, a room where she can do her schoolwork, a sense of stability.’

‘What about me? What about what I need?’

For a few minutes, there was silence. Olivia sipped her tea and Frieda made piles of dishes and pans and put bin bags out into the hall. After a while, Oliva said in a small voice: ‘Does she hate me?’

‘No. But she feels angry and neglected.’

‘I didn’t mean to hit her. I didn’t mean to tell Kieran to get lost. I wasn’t thinking straight. I just felt wretched.’

‘And maybe you’d had too much to drink.’

‘You’re like a stuck record.’

Frieda didn’t say anything to that, and a few moments later, Olivia spoke again: ‘I can hear myself saying these terrible things. I can hear my voice screeching obscenities. I can’t seem to stop myself, though. I know I’ll regret it later.’

Frieda attacked the pans with a scouring pad. She felt terribly tired, defeated by the disorder of Olivia’s days. ‘You need to take control of your own life,’ she said.

‘That’s all very well to say. Where do I start?’

‘Take one thing at a time. Clear up the house from top to bottom. Drink a little less. Or nothing at all. You might feel better just by doing that. Wash your hair, weed the garden.’

‘Is that what you tell your patients? Wash your hair and weed the bloody garden?’

‘Sometimes.’

‘This wasn’t how I imagined my life would turn out, you know.’

‘No, but I think –’ Frieda began.

‘It’s like the man said, we all need to be loved.’

‘What man?’

‘Oh, just a man.’ Olivia was beginning to cheer up. ‘It was a bit embarrassing, actually. I met him last night when I was a tiny bit the worse for wear. I was so upset by everything and I went to that nice wine bar and had a few drinks, and it was when I was going home that I bumped into him.’ She gave a small yelp of laughter – a mixture of shame and exultation. ‘The kindness of strangers, you know what they say.’

‘What happened?’

‘Happened? Nothing like that, Frieda. Don’t give me one of your looks. I tripped over on the street and there he was. My Good Samaritan. He helped me up and dusted me down, then said he’d make sure I got home safely.’

‘That was kind of him,’ said Frieda, drily. ‘Did he want to come in?’

‘I couldn’t just turn him away. We had another glass together. And then after a bit he went.’

‘Good.’

‘He seemed to know you.’

‘Me?’

‘Yes. I think he sent his regards. Or his love.’

‘What was his name?’

‘I don’t know. I asked him and he said that names weren’t important. He said he’d had several names, and it was easy to change them. He said you could change names the way you change clothes, and I should try it myself one day. I said I wanted to be called Jemima!’ She gave another of her raucous bursts of laughter.

But the air had cooled around Frieda. She sat down opposite Olivia and leaned across the table towards her, speaking with quiet urgency. ‘What did this man look like, Olivia?’

‘Look like? Well. I don’t know. Nothing to write home about.’

‘No, really,’ said Frieda. ‘Tell me.’

Olivia made the face of a sulky schoolgirl. ‘He had grey hair, cut very short. He was solid, I suppose. Not tall. Not short.’

‘What colour were his eyes?’

‘His eyes? You are strange, Frieda. I can’t think. Brown. Yes, he had brown eyes. I told him he had eyes like a dog we once had so they must have been, mustn’t they?’

‘Did he say what he did?’

‘No, I don’t think so. Why?’

‘You are sure he said he knew me?’

‘He said he’d helped you recently. He said you’d remember.’

Frieda shut her eyes for a moment. She saw Mary Orton gazing at her as she lay dying. She saw a knife raised towards her – and then, like a flutter at the margins of her vision, she saw, or sensed, a shape, a figure in the shadows. Someone had saved her.

‘What else did he say?’

‘I think I talked more than he did,’ said Olivia.

‘Tell me anything you remember.’

‘You’re scaring me a bit.’

‘Please.’

‘He knew I had a daughter called Chloë and that she was staying with you.’

‘Go on.’

‘There’s nothing else. You’re giving me a headache.’

‘He didn’t mention Terry or Joanna or Carrie.’

‘No.’

‘Or send any message.’

‘Just his regards or love. Oh, and something about daffodils.’

‘Daffodils – what about daffodils?’

‘I think he said he’d once given you daffodils.’

Yes. Dean had sent a little girl across the park to her, bearing a bunch of daffodils and a message. Four words that Frieda had carried with her: ‘It wasn’t your time.’

She stood up. ‘Did you leave him alone at all?’

‘No! Well, I went to the loo, but apart from that – he didn’t steal anything, if that’s what you mean. He was just being kind to me.’

‘How many spare keys do you have?’

‘What? This is stupid. Anyway, I don’t know. I’ve got keys and so has Chloë and there are a few others knocking around, but I’ve no idea where they are.’

‘Listen, Olivia. I’m going to get Josef to come round and change all the locks in the house and fit proper safety devices on your windows.’

‘Have you gone mad?’

‘I hope so. He’ll come tomorrow first thing, so make sure you’re up in good time.’

‘What’s going on?’

‘Nothing, I hope. It’s just a precaution.’

‘Are you going?’

‘I’m meeting Sasha. But, Olivia, don’t go letting any more strange men into your house.’