War Torn

Chapter Sixty-eight

AGNIESZKA STOOD MOTIONLESS IN THE BEDROOM, STARING AT herself in the mirror. When Darrel came in, she looked up at him. Not his real face, but the one in the mirror. He stood behind her and their mirror eyes met.‘I’ve thought about you the whole time I’ve been away,’ said Darrel.That’s what Jamie always said when he got back. And he would be back in a few weeks now. But then he would go away again. Loving Jamie meant saying goodbye. It meant waiting, waiting, waiting for him to come home.‘I know you’re scared. I know this is a big step for you, Aggie.’Her eyes met her mirror eyes. They were frightened. She felt frightened. She felt no sexual excitement. She just wanted to be touched and loved and cared for and not to be alone. She didn’t want to be a woman in an endless expanse of snow.‘It will be all right. I promise. I’ll take good care of you.’He began to kiss her neck. She tensed.‘No, no, that’s no good,’ he murmured. ‘Melt a little, Aggie.’She tried to relax. He stroked her gently. He massaged her back and rearranged her hair. And then he began to kiss her again.

Dave was leaning against the wagon. He thought he should get the lads moving, unloading, sorting things out. But everyone just wanted to stand very still.The officials and VIPs buzzed around them, making a big noise about Martyn’s rescue. The SAS men were being wholeheartedly congratulated. Only the soldiers from the base did not speak.The OC, who had initially disappeared into the ops room, had re-emerged now and was walking over to the men. His face was expressionless. His walk was slow. He dragged his feet through the dust as though they weighed a lot. He surveyed the quiet soldiers and then raised a hand to stop everyone else talking.The OC cleared his throat.When he spoke his voice was loud and grave.‘I am very sorry to tell you that Rifleman Jamie Dermott, a loved, brave and highly proficient member of 1 Section, 1 Platoon, died at 1000 hours today. The medics treating him said that it is a testament to his courage and tenacity that he survived with such serious wounds for as much as thirty minutes. Less than an hour before his death, Rifleman Dermott ran into the desert under intense fire to help another man in his section out of danger. It was an action typical of a soldier who served all those around him without thought for his own safety. He died in action, shot through by a Rocket Propelled Grenade, having already remarkably survived two enemy rounds on two previous occasions. We will miss him and mourn him.’Dave closed his eyes. The loss was so immense that you couldn’t put a fence around it, you couldn’t estimate its size, you couldn’t even begin to get to the edges of it. Because death was endless and so was loss. And even when he was an old man, many years from now, Dave knew that it would not have ended then.The OC looked at him.‘Sergeant. Would you please lower the flag in recognition of the death of Rifleman Dermott?’Dave walked across the base to the flagpole. He was loaded down with invisible kit. It weighed more than any ammo. His body wanted to sink beneath it. He could hardly carry this immense burden and he almost stumbled once or twice. He reached the pole. Slowly, very slowly, he lowered the flag. The base was silent, the desert was silent, the distant hills were silent, and he knew that this was Jamie’s silence he was hearing now, a silence without end.

‘God, what am I doing?’Agnieszka lay in bed, crying.‘For Chrissake, Aggie!’ Darrel’s voice was tender and then exasperated. ‘You enjoyed it, didn’t you?’‘Yes. But that make it worse.’Darrel sighed and rolled onto his back. They lay next to each other, not touching.‘I was trying to make you happy!’Had she really thought that Darrel could drive away her fear and loneliness? Had she really thought that having sex with him would put right everything that was wrong? Her body was convulsed with sobs. She loved Jamie. And she had been unfaithful to him. Now she felt lonelier than ever and she even knew what the snow was. It was loss. She had gained nothing tonight and lost everything. Because she loved Jamie, even when he wasn’t there.‘Aggie?’Darrel reached for her but she pulled away.He sighed.‘Do you want me to go?’She did not reply. She felt the bed rearrange itself as he climbed out. When he dressed, she could hear his anger and resignation from the way he pulled on his clothes. Before he left he leaned over the bed.‘Aggie, call me when you want to talk.’ He kissed her cheek. ‘I don’t understand you.’‘Darrel, I very sorry. It not your fault.’‘Yeah.’She heard him go down the stairs and close the door. She listened for the sound of his feet on the pavement. The house felt cold. She heard, at the bottom of the hill, a car starting. It pulled away rapidly.Luke started to scream. She went to him. He would not stop. Finally he had a fit.Maybe that was why she didn’t hear the car. But she heard the doorbell. Darrel. Back to reason with her. She wouldn’t let him in.She pulled the curtain to one side. It was not Darrel and the car outside was at first unfamiliar. She stared down at the figure on the doorstep. Something very cold, like a splinter of ice, ran through her. It started in her scalp and made the hairs stand on end and, as it moved down her neck and her shoulders, on down to her toes, the tiny hairs on her body bristled. The Families Officer. On her doorstep in the night. At that moment, the world froze and this time she knew it might never thaw.