Where Are You Now?

32

N ick DeMarco had spent an uneasy weekend. He did not want to admit to himself how unsettling it had been to see Carolyn again. “Pizza and Pasta” had been his code name for himself when he used to have dinner at the MacKenzie home on Sutton Place.

I had zero social graces, he remembered. I was always watching to see what fork they used, how they placed their napkins on their laps. Pop tucked his under his chin. Even hearing Mr. MacKenzie joke about his own working-class background didn’t do it for me. I thought he was just being a nice guy trying to help an awkward idiot feel welcome.

And that crush I had on Barbara? When I look back, it was just one more way in which I was jealous of Mack.

It wasn’t about her at all.

It was about Carolyn.

I always felt comfortable with her. She was always funny and sharp. I enjoyed being with her the other night.

Mack’s family was my snobby ideal. I loved my own mom and dad, but I wished Dad didn’t wear suspenders. I wished Mom didn’t give a bear hug to all the regular customers. What’s that saying? Something like “Our children begin by loving us; as they grow up they judge us; sometimes they forgive us.”

It should be the other way around. “Parents start out by loving us, as we grow up they judge us. Sometimes they forgive us.” But not often.

I hadn’t wanted Pop to have a storefront anymore. I didn’t know what I was doing to him when I put him in charge of my new restaurant. He was miserable. Mom missed being in the kitchen, too. Their high-class son wouldn’t let them be who they are.

Nick DeMarco, the big success, voted bachelor of the month, the guy the girls chased, he thought, with an edge of bitterness. Nick DeMarco, the big risk-taker. And now maybe it’s Nick DeMarco, the fool who took one chance too many.

Leesey Andrews.

Did anyone hear me offer to help her get a start in show business? It wasn’t on the camera when I gave her the card with my address, but did anyone happen to see me slide it over to her?