Why Me?

26

"Gee muh knee" Kelp said, gazing at the Byzantine Fire.

"Don't put it on," Dortmunder advised him. "I had a hell of a time getting it off."

"Jeez," Kelp said. He just sat there in the living room, on Dortmunder's sofa, staring at the ruby and the sapphires and the gold all glittering away in his palm. "Holy shit," he said.

May, hovering like a den mother, said, "Would you like a beer, Andy?"

Dortmunder told her, "It's too early in the day for him."

"The hell it is," said Kelp.

"Better make it two, then," Dortmunder said.

"Three," said May, and went off to get the beers, trailing cigarette smoke.

Dortmunder went and sat down in his favorite easy chair, facing the sofa. He watched Kelp watching the Byzantine Fire until May came back, when Kelp's attention was finally distracted by a can of beer. Then Dortmunder said, "So that's it."

Kelp looked at him over the beer can. "Jeez, John," he said. "How'd it happen?"

So Dortmunder told him how it had happened; the breaking in, the guys arriving, the guys leaving, the finding of the stone. "Who knew what it was?" Dortmunder finished.

"Who knew what it was?" Kelp echoed, incredulous. "The Byzantine Fire? Everybody knows what it is!"

"They do now," Dortmunder pointed out. "Wednesday night, it had just been robbed, it wasn't all over the papers yet, nobody knew any Byzantine Fire."

"Sure they did. It was too in the papers, the American people were giving it to Turkey, that's how come it came in from Chicago."

Dortmunder gave Kelp his steadiest look. "Andy," he said, "that's something else you know now, it's part of the robbery story. Tell me the truth: before the heist, did you know all about this American people gift business?"

Looking a bit uncomfortable, Kelp said, "Well, in a general sort of way."

"It could of happened to you," Dortmunder told him. "Don't kid yourself. You could of been the one noticed the vacation sign, broke in, opened the safe, saw that big red rock and figured, what the hell, take it along, maybe it's worth something. It could of happened to you."

"It didn't, John," Kelp said. "That's all I can say, and I'm happy I can say it. It didn't happen to me."

"It happened to me," Dortmunder said, and was grimly aware that all three people in the room—including, God help him, himself—were thinking about the Dortmunder jinx.

Kelp shook his head. "Wow," he said. "Whadaya gonna do now, John?"

"I don't know. I didn't realize I even had the goddam thing till last night, I haven't had much time to think about it."

"I hate to say this to any man," Kelp said, "but I think you oughta give it back."

Dortmunder nodded. "I been thinking the same way. But it raises a question."

"Yeah?"

"How? How do I give it back? Do I mail it?"

"Don't be silly, you know you can't trust the mails."

"Also," Dortmunder said, "I don't feature just leaving it someplace, like one of your abandoned babies in church, because then some kid comes along or some wise guy, and he grabs it, and the heat stays on, and I'm still in trouble."

"You know what, John?" Kelp sat up straighter on the sofa. "A sudden thought just hit me."

"Yeah? What's that?"

"You better not go to the O.J., after all. I don't think you could safely chit-chat with Tiny Bulcher. I mean, face it, you don't have an alibi."

Dortmunder said nothing. He just looked at Kelp. It was May, seated in her own chair to one side, who said quietly, "John knows that, Andy."

"Oh, yeah? Yeah, I see what you mean." Kelp grinned and shook his head at himself, saying, "This is still new news to me, you know? I'm still catching up."

"The thing right now," Dortmunder said, "is how do I give that goddam ruby back."

"I think you gotta call them," Kelp said.

"Who, Turkey? Or the American people."

"The law. Call that cop on the television, Maloney." (Having only heard the name and never having seen it, that's the way Kelp thought it was spelled.)

"Call the cops," mused Dortmunder. "And then I say, 'Hello, I got it. You want it back? »

"That's right," Kelp said. He was getting excited. "Then you maybe even dicker a little. John, you could maybe even turn a profit on this thing!"

"I don't want to turn a profit," Dortmunder told him. "I just want out from under that stone."

"Well, keep an open mind," Kelp suggested. "See how the conversation goes."

"I'll tell you how the conversation goes," Dortmunder said. "We dicker back and forth, we keep an open mind, and meantime they're tracing the call, and all of a sudden I'm surrounded by blue uniforms."

"Not necessarily," Kelp said, looking very thoughtful.

May said, "Andy? Do you have an idea?"

"Could be," Kelp said. "Coouuuuld very well be."