Why Me?

32

When Dortmunder got back to the apartment, trailed by Kelp, May was still there. "I thought," Dortmunder said, "you had work today."

"I called in semisick."

"Semisick?"

"I said if I felt better later I'd come in. I wanted to know how things went—so how'd things go?"

Dortmunder said, "Is it too early to drink bourbon?"

"It isn't even noon."

"Add a little water."

Kelp said, "May, things didn't go so good. Whyn't I get us all some beers while John tells you the story?"

"Bourbon," Dortmunder said.

"You don't want bourbon," Kelp told him. "It'd just depress you."

Dortmunder looked at him. "Bourbon would depress me? Bourbon would depress me?" But Kelp, as though Dortmunder hadn't spoken at all, walked on out of the room, toward the kitchen.

May said, "Sit down, John, tell me about it."

Dortmunder sat down, his knobby elbows on his knobby knees. "What happened was," he said, "they won't negotiate."

"But you don't want to negotiate. You just want to give it back."

"I didn't get a chance to say so. They hung up on me."

"The police?"

"They'd rather catch me," Dortmunder said gloomily, and Kelp came back in with three beers.

May sipped hers through the side of her mouth away from the dangling cigarette, then said, "How did you phrase yourself, John? You weren't arrogant or anything, were you?"

Dortmunder merely looked at her, while Kelp said, "May, I was right there. John was perfect courtesy. In fact, I thought he went too far. He bent over backward, he said he just wanted to give the thing back."

"They wouldn't listen," Dortmunder said. "They said they were gonna catch me and I'd fall downstairs for a month."

"Wow," said May.

"That's a terrible threat, May, from a cop," Dortmunder said. "You ever see their new building, downtown? Till now, in a precinct, it's at the most down one metal flight in the back of the place, you just keep curled up. That Police Plaza, that's a skyscraper. And it's all brick."

"It wasn't a real threat," May assured him. "It was just a figure of speech."

"I heard his voice," Dortmunder said.

Lighting a new cigarette from the ember of the old, May studied both men, then said, "So what do you do now?"

"Find some other way to give it back," Dortmunder said. "Maybe call a newspaper or a TV station, something like that. I don't think there's an insurance company."

"Um," said Kelp.

Dortmunder looked over at his friend, and Kelp seemed very troubled. "I'm not gonna like this," Dortmunder said.

"I been thinking." Kelp scoffed down some beer, then said, "The cops turning you down that way, it knocked the scales off my eyes."

Dortmunder drank beer. "Okay," he said. "Tell me what you see."

"It isn't enough to give it back."

"Whadaya talking about? I give it back, the heat's off, it's all over."

Kelp shook his head. "There's been too much irritation," he said. "Too many noses out of joint, too much commitment. What they want now is you."

Dortmunder burped. "Don't say that, Andy."

"I'm sorry, John, it's true."

"Oh, dear," May said. "I think Andy's right."

"Sure I am," Kelp said, but not as though he was glad to be right. "That stone gets turned over to the cops, that might satisfy some folk, maybe satisfy Turkey and the American people, but it wouldn't satisfy the cops, and it wouldn't satisfy Tiny Bulcher or a lot of other guys we both know. Also, I heard at the O.J. there's a religious angle now, there's these religious fanatics also on your trail, and not to convert you. Just getting the stone back won't do it for them, either."

"You're not making me feel better," Dortmunder said.

"I tell you what you got to do, John," Kelp said. "You got to forget the stone for now and get yourself an alibi."

"I don't follow."

"For the boys at the O.J.," Kelp explained. "That gets the specific personal heat off you."

Dortmunder shook his head. "No way. We're not talking about the cops here, we're talking about Tiny Bulcher. We're talking about a lot of street people."

"I realize that," Kelp said. "But we can still do an alibi that'll hold up."

Dortmunder frowned at him. " We?"

"Sure we," Kelp said, apparently surprised. "We're in this together, aren't we?"

Dortmunder found himself deeply and surprisingly touched. "Andy," he said, "I don't know what to say."

"That's right," Kelp said, misunderstanding. "So we'll work out what you say."

"No, I mean—I mean that's a terrific offer, but you shouldn't stick your neck out for me."

"Why not? You'd do the same for me, wouldn't you?"

Dortmunder blinked a lot.

Kelp laughed, a trifle shakily. "Sure you would. And the thing of it is, if the three of us all tell the same story—"

"Not May," Dortmunder said.

May said, "John, this is no time for chivalry."

"No," Dortmunder said. "May, in my mind's eye I see Tiny Bulcher biting your nose off, and I don't like it."

"He won't have any reason to bite my nose off," May said, although she did sort of absently touch the part in question. "If we all tell the same story, you won't be under suspicion."

"I won't do it," Dortmunder said. "Not if you're a part of it."

"That's okay," Kelp said. "Two is fine. You and me, we tell the same story, we alibi one another, it works out the same."

Dortmunder considered being chivalrous in re Andy as well, but decided one noble gesture per customer per day was enough. "What alibi?" he asked.

"Well," Kelp said, "I've already mentioned to some of the guys my own alibi, in a general kind of way, so we just fit you in with me."

"What's your alibi?"

"The funny thing is, it's the truth. I was at home all that night, doing things with telephones."

"Alone?"

"Yeah."

"Then how does that alibi you?"

"Well," Kelp said, "I made and received a lot of calls. You know? I'd put some gizmo on, I'd want to try it, I'd call somebody. If it was my answering machine or my call-waiting gadget or something like that, I'd call somebody and have them call me back."

"Right," Dortmunder said. "So all night you're covered, on account of these phone calls."

"Sure. And now I say you were with me, helping me like with the wiring, and now we're both covered."

Dortmunder said, "How come you didn't mention before about me being there? Like when you told people your alibi. Or like when you were making all these calls Wednesday night."

"The question didn't come up."

"I don't know," Dortmunder said.

May said, "John, this is a wonderful gesture on Andy's part, and the fact of the matter is, you're in no position to look wonderful gestures in the mouth."

Dortmunder drank beer.

Kelp said, "We'll go back to my place, I'll give you half an hour instruction on telephones, you'll know as much as I do. Then it's our hobby together."

"If it goes wrong," Dortmunder pointed out, "Tiny won't like you any more either."

Kelp waved that away with an airy sweep of his beer can: "How could it go wrong?" he asked.