A nondescript hotel room.
ANDREW is in the room.
A WOMAN has entered the room thirty seconds ago.
ANDREW Miss Prism?
WOMAN That’s right.
ANDREW Is that a joke?
WOMAN What?
ANDREW Your name?
WOMAN No.
ANDREW Like a reference.
WOMAN No.
ANDREW A reference to –
WOMAN It’s not a reference.
It’s a coincidental pun.
Which I thought you’d appreciate actually. And let me tell you, now you’re in the club, that it’s important to keep a sense of humour, because things are going to get, now and for the rest of your life, extremely difficult.
ANDREW Well that’s made me feel just rosy.
WOMAN You want to know where it came from, the name?
ANDREW Isn’t it obvious?
WOMAN No.
ANDREW I’m fine.
Beat.
WOMAN You don’t want to play. Okay. Do you want a drink?
ANDREW No thank you.
WOMAN I’ve got a sense, a feeling, I just know you want a gin and tonic? Something like that.
ANDREW You’re wrong.
Beat.
WOMAN I’d like one.
ANDREW Okay.
Beat.
WOMAN I’m uneasy if it’s just me. Not a party on my own, is it? If I have one will you have one?
ANDREW I need to keep a clear head.
WOMAN Why? Nothing’s going to happen.
ANDREW Well.
WOMAN Nothing important’s going to happen overnight, we’re just going to talk and then tomorrow’s another day.
ANDREW Okay so we’re going to talk, right, so I need to keep a clear head. Is he calling on the phone?
WOMAN Who? Oh. You think he’s going to call you on the phone?
ANDREW They said he’d get in contact and he’s hardly likely to turn up in person.
WOMAN Why not?
ANDREW He’s trapped in an embassy in the middle of London.
WOMAN Officially. Trapped is perhaps overstating it, the thing is we’ve got to make sure no one knows exactly where he is, so if he was coming to see you I wouldn’t be able to tell you in advance, if you take my meaning.
ANDREW So you’re saying… what… he might come here? Tonight?
WOMAN Look, you’ll appreciate this when it’s you – we couldn’t have got you here without this kind of thing – the point is that if he’s here, he’s here, or if he’s not here he’s somewhere else. There are a lot of people who – let’s not put too fine a point on it – want him dead, who are really out to kill him, and that’s the club that you are part of now. You are Trotsky in Mexico, you are John Lennon in New York, Kennedy in fucking Texas.
ANDREW Dallas.
WOMAN I beg your pardon?
ANDREW Kennedy got shot in Dallas.
WOMAN Yeah, and Dallas is in Texas.
ANDREW Yeah, I know, but…
WOMAN Jesus this is your country.
ANDREW I know – it doesn’t matter.
WOMAN We are very careful about saying where he is, and so long as you work with us, rest assured we’re going to be equally careful about disclosing your location. I promise.
ANDREW Good.
Pause.
WOMAN How are you doing?
ANDREW Okay.
WOMAN This is weird for you.
ANDREW Yeah.
WOMAN All this.
ANDREW Weird yeah.
WOMAN Like it happened just… overnight.
ANDREW Well it did. Pretty much.
Beat.
WOMAN You must have predicted it though, you must have known.
ANDREW Yeah for a long time.
But it’s different, sat there at your desk, trying to work through all the consequences, just in your small life, trying to work out that the moment you click that button, you are going to have to walk out and your entire existence will change for ever, you know that’s a difficult thing to imagine, I don’t have that kind of imagination, I don’t think anyone does. Last week, okay last week, last Thursday I wasn’t in Russia, I wasn’t being chased, I wasn’t at risk of being assassinated, I was having chicken with my girlfriend in KFC, you understand what I’m talking about? –
WOMAN Yeah.
ANDREW – I was that guy, with his girl, we had plans, we were just doing our thing, our apartment, our post, our freaking parents and now… you know what I’m saying?
WOMAN That’s shocking.
ANDREW Right.
WOMAN You took your girlfriend to KFC?
ANDREW You’re really funny.
WOMAN And she’s still with you?
ANDREW Well no she isn’t. She’s back home.
WOMAN I mean she didn’t break up with you? That’s not what prompted all of this?
ANDREW No.
WOMAN So what the fuck were you doing in KFC?
ANDREW That’s not the point I was making.
WOMAN I know. It’s humour. See? I defused you. That’s what I did, you were blowing up, I took a metaphorical pin, and I burst you. Like ppfff. And you just went ffffffffff.
ANDREW You’re a strange person.
WOMAN Yes.
ANDREW What’s your – I don’t even know who you are.
WOMAN No.
ANDREW What’s your name?
WOMAN I told you. Miss Prism.
ANDREW Your real name not your James Bond name.
WOMAN That is my real name.
ANDREW No it isn’t.
WOMAN My full, real, name.
ANDREW Your full name so your first name is Miss?
WOMAN My first name is George.
ANDREW
WOMAN George was the name of the first actor to play the part of Miss Prism in The Importance of Being Earnest.
ANDREW I think you’re gone completely crazy now.
WOMAN A Trivial Comedy for Serious People. George was also a woman’s name then, the part was played by a woman. I said actor because actress is politically incorrect. Anyway, I liked the name George Prism, so you can call me George, or Miss Prism, depending on your mood.
ANDREW You liked the name George Prism.
WOMAN Yes.
ANDREW You chose it.
WOMAN Had a certain charm.
ANDREW So it’s not your real name like you said it was.
Beat.
WOMAN I’m not very good at this.
ANDREW You know I betrayed my entire country in an act that means I could be electrocuted and killed by my own politicians, I then flew to Hong Kong where I recorded an interview which was broadcast around the world, spent two days hiding in a pod-style hotel in Moscow Airport, before being smuggled onto a plane as luggage then back off the plane, and eventually across the Russian border, but despite all that circus or strangeness, I’d say this, you, this moment now, is head and shoulders the weirdest part of it. You are a fucking nutfuck.
Pause.
Isn’t there anyone else to talk to?
WOMAN You speak Russian?
ANDREW No.
WOMAN You should learn.
ANDREW Let’s wait and see if I need to.
WOMAN Well while you’re waiting… I’m the only person to talk to.
ANDREW Shit.
WOMAN Yeah.
Beat.
Nightmare stuck in the room with the nutjob nutfuck. You sure you don’t want a drink? Do you miss her?
ANDREW What?
WOMAN Your girlfriend. What’s her name again?
ANDREW I didn’t tell you.
WOMAN Oh. Yes. Sorry. What’s her name?
ANDREW Cindy.
WOMAN No come on her real name.
ANDREW What?
WOMAN Oh, you mean… you mean it really is? Wow.
ANDREW What?
WOMAN Well. You’re, like, American? And your girlfriend is like, called Cindy? Isn’t that, like, oh my god? Like… weirdass?
ANDREW Why?
WOMAN Cindy. You know, like the doll.
ANDREW It’s not like the doll. The doll is Sindy with an ‘S’.
WOMAN Makes no difference
ANDREW And also Sindy was British, not American. America had Barbie.
WOMAN How do you know this? How long have you known her?
ANDREW Cindy.
Beat.
ANDREW Since I was seventeen.
WOMAN High school.
ANDREW Right.
WOMAN High-school sweethearts.
ANDREW Well.
WOMAN That’s so cool dude, that’s like, so rad.
ANDREW Enjoying yourself?
WOMAN Do you miss her?
ANDREW Of course I miss her. I miss everybody… and I don’t know. I don’t even know what’s happened to them, if they’ve been called in for questioning –
WOMAN They have.
ANDREW And I don’t know by who…
WOMAN The CIA.
ANDREW And where they are and what they’re being asked…
WOMAN They’re being asked if they had any notion of what you planned to do, whether they had anything to do with it, whether they currently have any contact with you, whether they have plans to join you, and if they have any sense of what your future movements might be, I would imagine that assuming neither your girlfriend, your friends or your parents say anything even slightly incriminating they’ll be let free from questioning in two maybe three weeks.
ANDREW Okay.
Beat.
WOMAN I mean what you did is big.
ANDREW I know.
WOMAN Off-the-scale massive.
ANDREW Yeah.
WOMAN And the thing is that as we now know they can get access to all your emails web-browsing phone lines, and it’s been a few days so any encryption you used, I’d imagine they’re through that, so they don’t really need to ask those people anything, if they go through the files they probably have it already.
ANDREW Yeah.
WOMAN So why are they bringing them in like that?
ANDREW To put pressure on me.
WOMAN Correct, they’re actually hoping that you do still have some kind of contact with Mindy –
ANDREW Cindy
WOMAN – or your parents and that by bringing them in and cutting them off and making their lives hell, you will break and snap and get on a plane and give yourself up, driven by the innate national pride that’s been bred in you from the moment you were born in the USA. This is why all the kids in your weirdass motherfucking country swear allegiance to the flag and all that shit. Precisely to ensure that you don’t do things like this.
ANDREW They won’t hurt them.
WOMAN You don’t think?
ANDREW Will they?
WOMAN I don’t –
ANDREW I’m asking you.
WOMAN Oh. I don’t know. No. Can they? No. Surely that’s illegal.
ANDREW But – there might be psychological –
WOMAN Oh sorry well yeah psychological stuff absolutely, isolation, intimidation, lies, deceit and a slow breaking-down of self-esteem they’ll try all that, they’ll do that to them but that’s okay because none of that stuff is real or hurts or has any long-lasting effect, oh wait – it does.
ANDREW You find this funny?
WOMAN You know I actually don’t find any of this funny at all no.
Pause.
ANDREW Okay.
Pause.
WOMAN You want to pick up that phone and call Sandy?
ANDREW That’s not her name.
WOMAN You’d like Susie to hear your voice?
ANDREW We were together twelve years of course I want to pick up the phone and speak to her.
WOMAN But you understand you really shouldn’t?
ANDREW Yeah.
WOMAN Try it.
ANDREW What?
WOMAN Try and pick up that phone and call Lindsey.
ANDREW Cindy.
WOMAN Go on.
ANDREW I don’t want to.
WOMAN I know but try it.
ANDREW You’re getting really fucking irritating.
WOMAN Yeah I know so go on just go over there and try and call her.
He does.
You see?
ANDREW No dialling tone.
WOMAN You know why?
ANDREW What?
WOMAN We had it disconnected before you got here.
ANDREW Okay.
WOMAN You know why?
ANDREW …
WOMAN We don’t trust you. For all we know this could be some kind of infiltration, you could be someone actually working for the FBI, the CIA, the British Secret Service, the British Metropolitan Police, they all conduct secret operations lasting years we know this now, and there’s no real limits in practice on what they can do, on the situations they can get themselves in so we now have everyone under suspicion the whole time because in the end we can’t know. None of us can know. The only way we develop trust in the end is… well… time.
ANDREW …
WOMAN Time.
ANDREW …
WOMAN Because you only have one life. And every week, every month you’re stuck in undercover work, you’re using it up, and most people aren’t prepared to do more than a few months of that, so by the time you’ve been with the movement for years, like me, people pretty much know that I am who I say I am.
ANDREW George.
WOMAN Exactly.
ANDREW Which is not your real name.
WOMAN You’ve been with us three days Andrew, of course it’s not my real fucking name.
Pause.
ANDREW I’m not with you.
WOMAN Yes.
ANDREW I’m not.
WOMAN According to the entire world’s press you are, you might be having this meeting, where you’re staying, this has all been arranged by us, you’re with us.
ANDREW I’ve said nothing about what you do, I’ve made no commitments.
WOMAN You’ve been willing to take advantage of our expertise.
ANDREW You said you valued what I’d done and you offered your help.
WOMAN And you quickly took it.
ANDREW I know I’m associated but I don’t think I’m part of anything right now. Right now I’m pretty much on my own –
WOMAN Well. Yeah. You are. No one else has ever done what you’ve done.
ANDREW No.
WOMAN In the history of the world, it’s simply not been possible, to release as much as you have so quickly. With such effect. You have leaked such a huge amount of metaphorical fluid, it’s like a tsunami of liquid just sprayed over them, covering them –
Isn’t it?
And it’s not just scale, it’s how important this stuff is, its depth, its height. It’s like you’ve blown the biggest fucking whistle you can imagine, like a whistle the size of the Pentagon. You’ve blown that massive Pentagonal whistle really fucking hard.
I don’t think the USA has a punishment proportional to people like you.
Do they?
I mean they can only kill you once.
ANDREW Maybe leave me on my own now?
WOMAN Come on. No. What? Really?
ANDREW Really.
WOMAN You like me being here.
ANDREW Haven’t you got anything else to do?
WOMAN No.
ANDREW You must.
WOMAN Do you fancy me?
ANDREW Jesus.
WOMAN Come on
ANDREW No.
WOMAN You do.
ANDREW No.
WOMAN I’ve been getting a vibe, if I can call it that –
ANDREW No you haven’t.
WOMAN Do I look like Cindy?
ANDREW No.
WOMAN How am I different?
ANDREW Cindy’s blonde.
WOMAN I’m blonde.
ANDREW No you’re not.
WOMAN Underneath.
ANDREW Okay.
WOMAN This is dyed.
ANDREW No it isn’t.
WOMAN Okay it isn’t. I’m attractive though, an objectively attractive person, It’s not a matter of opinion.
ANDREW No.
WOMAN Yeah.
ANDREW No.
WOMAN A bit.
ANDREW Stop. Just stop. Stop.
Beat.
WOMAN How else?
ANDREW What?
WOMAN How else am I different to Cindy Windy Cindy?
ANDREW Cindy’s funny.
WOMAN Ah. Clever.
ANDREW Yes she is. Exactly.
WOMAN I mean you were clever with your little insult there.
But okay Cindy’s clever what has she got then?
ANDREW She’s –
WOMAN Qualifications. Did she go to Cambridge?
ANDREW Of course not.
WOMAN I did.
ANDREW Well done.
WOMAN Thanks it was really hard.
ANDREW Who are you?
WOMAN University though okay you’re saying she went to university.
ANDREW No after high school she went straight into business.
WOMAN Okay, so when you say clever we’re talking street smarts here, we’re not talking actual proper university, knowing things, useful proper intelligence.
ANDREW Fuck you.
WOMAN She’s not part of the intellectual elite, like me.
ANDREW Jesus –
WOMAN I can quote Latin.
ANDREW I honestly don’t care what you / can do, so maybe just stop talking until you can say something that is genuinely and actually going to offer me something or help me out cos what I don’t need at the moment is more… noise. Okay. You’re still… okay…
WOMAN You think that’s not useful it actually is. Dinner parties in high-level company pretty girl quoting Latin they are eating out of my hand, I’m telling you they should teach that at school, bring it back, they used to teach both those things being pretty and speaking Latin I can see why. Okay. Okay so you don’t fancy me. We’ll leave that for now, but so that you know I don’t fancy you at all, not in a sex way, but I think we’re getting on we are, we are. You and me, this is a thing, this is a relationship you’re going to remember.
ANDREW That’s true.
WOMAN Ita vero.
That’s Latin for ‘yeah’.
Beat.
ANDREW Why are you here?
WOMAN Well far be it for me to remind you Andrew but you released hundred of thousands of highly confidential –
ANDREW I mean here in this room now, you could be doing some other work, there’s a security guard outside to protect me, presumably when he gets here he gets here –
WOMAN – if he gets here –
ANDREW – and there’s nothing I or you can do to hurry that up so why are you keeping me company like this?
WOMAN You want the truth or something that will make you feel good?
ANDREW The truth won’t make me feel good?
WOMAN The truth will not.
ANDREW Okay.
WOMAN The truth will make you feel even shitter than you do right now.
And I can see how inside, you’re upset, and crying and nearly panicking, you’re covering it well, it’s not as bad as I would have imagined, but you might not want me to lay on even more right at this moment.
ANDREW Just tell me why – yes – tell me the truth. Why are you here?
WOMAN You know why, I’m liaising with him about –
ANDREW I mean right now, you’ve got nothing to add, or offer, we’re waiting for him to make contact so why are you still in the room? Saying all this crap, goofing around?
Beat.
WOMAN We’re worried you might kill yourself.
ANDREW I…
Really?
WOMAN Hmm. Yeah.
Beat.
I mean this is a thing that we’ve been noticing and it makes complete sense, the media and governments and corporations are yet to admit it, but these days when someone like you, a whistleblower, or it could equally be someone that’s really fucked up in their job and got the blame, or it could be someone accused falsely or not of a crime, or even the victim of a crime, but any of these people, when the full spotlight of the media the information, the internet is on them with millions, really millions of people talking about them – this is a truly contemporary phenomenon – these people, like you, have the certain knowledge that this moment will define them in the eyes of everyone they meet from now on for the rest of their lives, that it is now actually impossible for this not to be what their entire life is all about. We’ve noticed, and we’re not pretending that this needs science or anything, we’ve noticed that at about the stage of the story you’re at now, they often try to take their own life and sometimes they succeed, we’re talking Dr David Kelly, he’s probably the best example, but there was also that woman in hospital, the nurse who answered the phone to the Australian hoax DJs, who wanted the medical information about Kate and William, you remember, you remember that?
ANDREW No.
WOMAN Oh. Maybe it was just a British… Anyway, point is, millions of people hate you now, and short of drastic facial surgery and some kind of new identity this is what your life is going to be about. You’re twenty-eight and you will never be known for research, or politics, or art, or music, or sport, or charity, or anything else, you will be for ever known solely for what you did three days ago.
ANDREW You’re working me up to it.
WOMAN I’m naming it to make it less likely.
Beat.
ANDREW How would I kill myself in this room?
WOMAN We took away anything obvious but there’s still… well I’m not going to lay them out for you, am I! Huh! Clever… but yeah there’s actually still a few ways, looking at it, that I could think of –
ANDREW I’m fine. I’m not going to do anything.
WOMAN That’s strange. Yes. I can see that, you appear quite calm.
But that’s odd. Most people would freak OUT right now, but you’re not. Why not?
ANDREW I told you I worked it through, obviously not all the details, and yeah, I suppose, I am freaking out to some extent.
WOMAN To some extent. Yeah. A bit. Not a lot though. Not a reasonable human amount.
ANDREW It wouldn’t do any good.
WOMAN Pragmatism.
ANDREW I suppose.
Beat.
WOMAN Were you running away from something?
ANDREW No.
WOMAN Was there a push for you as well as a pull?
ANDREW No, it was – what I saw, I just couldn’t in all conscience –
WOMAN Yeah I’ve seen in the interview I didn’t entirely buy it then either. I mean there’s loads of people like you working there and in all sorts of jobs who think this stuff but none of them are prepared to jack in their entire life. There must be a reason this appealed, you can’t be that selfless.
ANDREW Well… I don’t know what to say. Except your lack of belief in people is really upsetting.
WOMAN No. No. I think people can be good, just not on the scale that you’re talking about with these sort of consequences. Either you didn’t realise the consequences –
ANDREW I did.
WOMAN Yeah I think you did. Or you did, but you thought it was worth it because you’re so fucking altruistic.
ANDREW Right.
WOMAN Hmm. OR – there’s a third option which is that the life you’re now embarking on is, in your judgement, preferable to the one you left behind, and yes – that’s what I think is going on.
ANDREW What, like I killed someone, or –
WOMAN No.
ANDREW You know committed a crime and now I’m running away.
WOMAN No I don’t think it needs to be anything like that.
I just think you might have been incredibly bored.
I think maybe you craved some kind of true adventure.
ANDREW That’s trivialising it – you know I am at risk of death either by an assassin or my own country –
WOMAN My grandmother was Jewish, lived in Poland, she had to escape from the Nazis across Europe, her family died, and then when she got to Britain she had to learn another culture and language, and still she was being bombed, and attacked, and then bring her family up with a second husband, then emigrate to Australia, a country she knew even less about, then come back, and in the meantime she published twenty-three books and met an unfeasible number of famous and important people. I mean lives like that don’t happen any more not in that kind of continent-crossing, life-and-death, history-making, autobiography-busting way. I’m not saying they wanted it but that generation’s lives were eventful. To say the least.
ANDREW Right.
WOMAN Compare that to you, and Cindy, in Kentucky Fricking Chicken –
ANDREW Look –
WOMAN I’m not being facetious it’s a fact that with the homogenisation of branding, with the transfer of information from continent to continent the possibility for mystery and real travel and adventure has actually lessened. All countries have a McDonald’s, the vast majority of places can be looked up on Google Maps, what are the chances of truly exploring? A man finds a twelve-metre waterfall in Canada that no one’s bothered to write down, it makes headline news these days around the world? So what are the chances of truly exploring, truly changing. Zero. Unless. Andrew. You’re you. You changed the world three days ago.
ANDREW You think that.
WOMAN I do.
Actually?
I think you may have brought down the United States of America.
ANDREW Right.
WOMAN Not overnight. But China is laughing at them. The last remaining high ground they occupied, that of freedom, has been taken from them. Turns out, from what you’ve shown us, they spy on their people exactly the same way the party does in Shanghai, exactly the same way the KGB or whatever you want to call it does in Russia – you, Andrew, have proven this as a fact. The USA is not free, and it’s worse than anywhere else, because unlike China, or Russia, that was the whole point of that country. That was its USP. Its raison d’être. The primary principle upon which the fathers did the founding. To be free, from the governments, the masters, the rules of oppressive regimes and churches. That was the high ground it should have occupied, and so far has your country fallen Andrew. So far now.
ANDREW I don’t want to destroy it. I want to restore the balance between the elected and the electorate. I want the country to get better.
WOMAN It can’t. It either is the thing it is, or it doesn’t exist. America has always used all the powers possible. It’s a torturing country, it’s a spying country, it’s a country that props up dictators, and funds terrorism. It does all the things it says it fights against, in service to some greater cause which it calls freedom. But if now, you say it never even had that… well…
It’s the latest icon to fall.
We find that nothing is noble.
Nothing is righteous.
Nothing is good.
ANDREW Whether you want to believe it or not I actually love my country, I did what I did in the hope that it will get better, that it will prompt action.
WOMAN It won’t.
ANDREW You don’t know.
WOMAN It will prompt proposals to action and the specific practices you uncovered will cease, for a while. But others will continue. The issue is that it’s either a technological problem or a governmental one.
ANDREW Can we talk about something else?
WOMAN Either you say the government is good but technology has got too powerful and has to be reined in somehow, or, you say technology is good but the power of government has to be reined in. No one can agree, so nothing happens.
ANDREW What about corporations?
WOMAN Well that’s a whole other thing.
ANDREW Do you have a boyfriend?
WOMAN Ah – well – oh – Not a boyfriend no.
ANDREW Girlfriend then?
WOMAN I have a relationship with a horse.
ANDREW OH!
WOMAN What?
ANDREW Okay – just – don’t –
WOMAN He fucks me like – wooah – Jesus you wouldn’t imagine, he goes out racing, I watch, then we go for dinner, you know somewhere classy like Burger King, then back to his, we lie on the straw, and… well it’s not to everyone’s taste but – talk about reining it in.
ANDREW You couldn’t have just said I can’t tell you?
WOMAN No because I can tell you, it’s not the army, we’re all, I can tell you what I want, I choose not to because I don’t know you.
ANDREW Right.
WOMAN So much like the government of your country, I prefer to remain in the shadows and distract you with whimsy.
ANDREW Isn’t that quite a contradiction for an organisation that advocates full disclosure?
WOMAN Yeah well absolutely and that’s not the half of it, we’ve got quite a lot of contradiction going on, as you’ll find out. I mean don’t for god’s sake look for a coherent set of values or a constructive way forward in us lot. I mean we’re not that far off a bunch of fucking anarchists, it’s like herding cats, like taming fucking I don’t know… plants. As far as I can work out, and there’s nothing really written down about this – which is a very contemporary way for a protest group to operate – in cells you know – the very definition of ‘wiki’ – so as far as I can work out, the only principle on which we operate is that governments cannot proclaim to be working for the people if they withhold huge amounts of information from the people. How can they be accountable if the majority of what they do that’s important is restricted? How do we know what really happened in Afghanistan or Iraq, or with the police, or Hillsborough or Stephen Lawrence, or phone hacking? Are these references too British for you?
ANDREW Some of them.
WOMAN Then Watergate, Union Carbide, Bush’s win in Florida, I mean we really want to allow these people to hide behind confidentiality laws? Which would mean that at the ballot box we’re just guessing? But yeah, when it comes to the actual people that do it – me or him, to take two examples, we’re both incredibly secretive. I suppose the difference is we don’t profess anything else. We’re not saying trust us. We’re saying just look at the information.
ANDREW Okay.
WOMAN You interested in any of this?
ANDREW Well you know I kind of think I’m done now, I’m not going to make a habit of it so –
WOMAN Well you can’t mate.
ANDREW No.
WOMAN You’ve shot your load.
ANDREW Yeah.
WOMAN So what now? That’s the question. That’s what’s of interest to us. What happens to you now?
ANDREW Do you have friends?
WOMAN Yes. Loads. Uni friends mostly. We’re a tight-knit group. Argue into the night issues of politics, society, high-level intelligent debate about actually no I don’t have any friends I work too hard.
You see? You just can’t tell.
Pause.
ANDREW I will have that drink.
WOMAN I thought you might.
ANDREW
WOMAN
ANDREW …
WOMAN Lonely.
ANDREW Right at this moment, I am. Yes.
WOMAN You don’t give a shit about any of all of that now do you? You just want a hug.
ANDREW …
She edges closer.
Then squeezes his shoulder, awkwardly.
WOMAN Is that okay? Thought a hug might be a bit… much?
So… just thought I’d give you a… squeeze?
She does it again.
Then pats him.
It’ll be okay.
Her hand comes to rest on him.
Your parents are called Ellen and Harry.
ANDREW Yes they are.
WOMAN You see I know that.
ANDREW Yes I can see that you know that well.
WOMAN You know what else I know?
ANDREW What?
WOMAN Your SAT scores for every year you took them.
ANDREW Okay.
WOMAN You know what else?
ANDREW What?
WOMAN Pretty much everything I know about Sam, I know about Michael, I know about Terri – oh – oh well I know about Sara. I know the car you drive, sorry, drove, I know the clothes you wore when you were seventeen with the… wow – hair, I know where you’ve been on holiday every time you’ve been to another country which isn’t that many, if we don’t count Hawaii which we shouldn’t, in fact you’ve doubled that number in the last couple of days.
ANDREW Of course you know all that, it’s on Facebook, Instagram, a child could probably find out all of that –
WOMAN Yeah, that’s my point, the fact is that if anyone really wants to know about someone else now, you can. That’s just how it is, you have no privacy really you have no rights –
ANDREW You do have rights –
WOMAN Oh okay you do, but, you know, in reality, as soon as you get a Google account or go on Facebook whatever and you tick that little box with all the terms and conditions that you never read, you don’t. And it goes further than that if we were going to expend all this energy helping you out we had to go as deep as possible, so I’m not just talking stuff you can find on Facebook, I’m talking everything, I think probably I know more about you than anyone else on the planet right now, I certainly know more than your parents or Cindy, I think I possibly know more than you do about yourself given the amount of cannabis you smoked at college. So you want to know anything about yourself just ask.
ANDREW I don’t.
WOMAN Test me.
ANDREW I really don’t. You know why? Because none of that makes any difference now. This is like the blankest cleanest slate I could start with. I have a single bag of stuff and that’s it, that’s all I now own. I know you, here, and that’s it. As you’ve pointed out I don’t speak Russian, I’m not sure how I’m going to survive here. I don’t know how to get food, I can’t read this fucking alphabet. It’s all strange to me here, all alien, I don’t know what’s going to happen tomorrow, or next month or next year, where I’m going to move on to, or what my life is about. I don’t know what my future is – if Cindy going’s to come out and stay or –
WOMAN I thought you split up with Cindy.
ANDREW You said you knew everything about me.
WOMAN I do. I thought you split up with Cindy.
ANDREW –
WOMAN –
ANDREW That was the last call I made.
WOMAN Right.
ANDREW To break up with her.
WOMAN You knew what was going to happen and you made her believe you didn’t love her any more.
ANDREW Yeah.
WOMAN Problem is, when she found out what you did, she worked out why you broke up with her, and she doesn’t believe it and she’s still in love with you and determined to find you, so that plan didn’t work, you should be lucky we’re handling that side of things now, because from the evidence you are a bit shit at it.
ANDREW Is he coming then?
Beat.
Or is he going to call me? Beat.
Or not?
Pause.
WOMAN You want to know some things about Russia?
Beat.
You want to know some things about Russia?
ANDREW I can look on Wikipedia.
WOMAN I’m more fun. Your laptop’s gone mysteriously missing anyway. And you don’t have a phone so –
ANDREW No I do. I don’t have a charger that fits to sockets on the wall so it’s not working right now but I do have one. It’s in my case.
WOMAN It’s not. We took it.
ANDREW Give it back.
WOMAN For your own good. As you are aware, if you have a phone, they can find out where you are.
Pause.
So you want to know some things then?
ANDREW About Russia.
WOMAN Yeah.
ANDREW What?
WOMAN Population?
ANDREW ?
WOMAN 144 million.
ANDREW Okay.
WOMAN It’s bigger than Pluto.
ANDREW Right.
WOMAN Each Russian, on average, consumes eighteen litres of alcohol per year, double what experts consider dangerous.
ANDREW What do you want me to do with that?
WOMAN This is where you are and I think it’s important you know the facts.
ANDREW Why?
WOMAN Because I don’t think you’re that bright, Andrew. I think you’re actually a little bit stupid – I’m not being mean here, but if you’re going to survive, if you’re going to make any contribution going forward the only thing you can rely on is your brain and your ability to articulate yourself. You’re fucking Nick Leeson, by which I don’t mean you’re fucking Nick Leeson, I mean that’s the equivalent of who you are. He could only make a meaningful contribution and do so well in the ‘media’ after he got out of jail because he had a unique combination of experience and intelligence. Now you have a unique experience but your intelligence needs work.
ANDREW I’m smart.
WOMAN You don’t know who Nick Leeson is, do you?
ANDREW Another British reference?
WOMAN Er – yeah, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t know it. I know loads of Americans and I’m British – well – sort of –
ANDREW I was employed by the US Government at an extremely high level, which should give some indication of –
WOMAN You’re medium smart, you’re red-brick, middle-scale, mid-league bright, but you need to be elite Oxford Harvard bright.
ANDREW I went to Harvard.
WOMAN Why are you lying? I know where you went.
ANDREW I was testing you because I wanted to do something in the conversation.
WOMAN Then say something – have something to offer and say something.
ANDREW …
WOMAN This is what I mean you don’t have it click click like off the tip of your tongue, it takes a thought, but you need it right there.
ANDREW Why?
WOMAN If you’re going to become a spokesperson for us.
ANDREW Spokesperson?
WOMAN That’s the current idea.
ANDREW No.
WOMAN Well we’re going to want something back for all this –
ANDREW I’m not going to become a spokesperson for you.
WOMAN You’re very respected at the moment and the feeling is you’d restore some creditability to our once-esteemed organisation. We’ve got a bit stuck in scandal recently –
ANDREW I’m not becoming a face for your organisation so –
WOMAN Andrew you have absolutely no choice.
ANDREW I do.
WOMAN No. You have no freedom, no choice, at the moment you don’t even have a passport. You are in this country but you have no rights and currently no asylum. To get any or all of these things you are going to need help and contacts. We have them, but we aren’t going to give them to you for free. We want you to be our man in Moscow.
ANDREW Where?
WOMAN Moscow. That’s where you currently are.
ANDREW I know I meant what does that mean? ‘Your man in – ’
WOMAN It’s a Graham Greene reference. You see? You don’t know shit. You don’t even know where you are. This isn’t a charitable thing. This transaction. This is a deal.
ANDREW But I don’t subscribe to your policy.
WOMAN We don’t really have one as I said before. We all have disagreements all the time.
ANDREW But there are big disagreements I have.
WOMAN Fine. The only thing you need to be committed to is freedom of information. And even that you can be nuanced on. At the moment you’ve got one of the most retweeted, pictured and repictured faces on the planet. That’s good. That’s what’s got you this room, this hotel, that’s what we’re funding. Come on you know that.
ANDREW So I have to –
WOMAN You have to check with us what you want to say about stuff and assuming it’s not completely off beam and weird then go for it. When things happen.
ANDREW From Russia.
WOMAN Moscow yes. This is where you’ll live.
Pause.
So. What? Why aren’t you talking now? What’s going on?
ANDREW I’m not going to stay in Moscow for ever –
WOMAN Why not?
ANDREW I don’t need to join you.
WOMAN We’re going to help you.
ANDREW You’re going to help me yes, because it benefits you. You need me.
WOMAN Don’t step to me small man.
ANDREW – like you said this is probably the most important leak ever – in terms of impact this dwarfs what you’ve done before – and more than that, it justifies itself in clearer ways. You want me associated with you, because you need me, because, I’m right, in this instance – people are realising that I’m incontrovertibly justified, which was not the same with all the military secrets you put out.
WOMAN Not me.
ANDREW Your organisation.
WOMAN Well we’re getting into collective responsibility now.
ANDREW Okay let’s get into that then.
WOMAN We don’t really – that’s not how we work, we’re more like an idea that is constantly evolving depending on the views of the current members and the response to the need of the – oh okay I’m not even convincing myself. Yes we make, made, mistakes, not ones I’m particularly into justifying I didn’t want to release all of that I said it would do us harm and it did.
ANDREW He ordered it didn’t he?
WOMAN He… did. Yes he did.
ANDREW Despite all of you saying it was a bad idea.
WOMAN That’s correct.
ANDREW So why do you still work for him?
WOMAN Because ultimately he’s vain, and he’s doing this more for himself than for anybody else, and he has a very dark side which we won’t go into, but ultimately underneath all that (and maybe you need all that to do what he does) but underneath all that, the basic idea of what he’s doing is right.
ANDREW You could be talking about Stalin.
WOMAN Oh. Please. No. Don’t do that. The basic idea is right, but the nature of it being so loosely controlled is that it’s loosely controlled – however I suppose the appeal for me – and maybe this is not so different from what you described earlier Andrew – is that I may be a player, or at the very least present when events happen which change the course of history. I may be part of that and if I am close to those events I may be able to alter them. And to my extremely clever mind, that is a good use of my resources, even if it means hanging out with people I don’t like very much, and being close to decisions I don’t agree with.
ANDREW The fact is, you need me more than I need you.
Pause.
WOMAN You think that?
ANDREW All this time you’re speaking with me. The money you must have spent for the accommodation and lawyers.
As you said yourself, I represent a chance for you to get back in the game. To restore your credibility.
Beat.
No.
WOMAN I thought we were getting on…
ANDREW I am not being your spokesperson. If you’re offering help that’s great, and I’ve no doubt you’ll tell everyone you’re helping me, but you don’t get anything actively in return from me, I’m not going to be part of your group, or any group. I’m not going to become a face for hire. I’m just… me.
WOMAN I see.
Well… In that case I’ll tell him you’re not interested.
ANDREW Sure.
WOMAN He won’t make contact.
ANDREW Okay.
WOMAN We’ll leave you in the hotel tonight, then you’re on your own. It’s a shame but –
ANDREW You’re going to help me anyway, what I represent –
WOMAN How’s the Russian?
ANDREW I can wait.
WOMAN Not great is it, but anyway dossvidanija, I hope you get to see the dostoprimechatelnosti before you get kicked out.
ANDREW You need to be associated with me.
WOMAN Are you going to help us out?
Andrew?
Last chance?
Wanna play ball?
No?
Okay.
Have a think.
See you later.
Maybe.
She smiles and goes.
He stands for a moment.
Then blackout.