You Don't Know Me

15

So I been thinking about my speech overnight, about what I said to you yesterday.

It’s funny in a ways, when I think about it. Coz if Glockz killed Jamil, then you could say I was like the whisper that started that shout that ended in him dead. My vine that caught him up and strangled him. I put my hands up to that. I spread the word about Jamil being the one who took Kira. But I had to do that, to keep her safe, you feel me?

So what I should be saying now to you is that because of the words I said to Spooks it must have been them Glockz boys that wasted Jamil as revenge. Case closed innit. Goodbye and good life and hope I never see you again.

I won’t lie to you, in the night, I thought to myself, you know what, just stick with the plan, make it easy and simple for everyone. Just go over what I said to you, in my statement, in court when I was giving my evidence. That all I’m guilty of is that I loved Kira so much I had to start a rumour. That I didn’t know for sure, but it probably was them boys that wasted JC.

But then I thought that if I carry on not telling the truth again now, how do I know for sure you will believe me? Maybe by lying I lose my one and only chance of letting you judge what really happened. Because as dark as the shit is, some part of me hopes that even if you knew the proper whole truth you could still do the right thing. And maybe me going down for the right thing is better than me getting off for the wrong. I still have to live with this don’t I?

At the beginning of my speech I told you about the other thing, the thing that could get me killed the second I leave this courtroom. I think I always knew that I might have to tell you about this thing. And I tell you it scares me just even thinking about telling you it. So what is stopping me? I don’t have no brief telling me what I need to be saying. He ain’t here to cloud your mind and cloud my mind with his words. There’s just you and me, and the truth. And this ghost of a lie hanging over our heads. But I think maybe finally, I don’t believe in ghosts any more.

This is a hard decision for me, you get me. Because I’m kind of guessing about what you might be thinking and as far as I know you might have been thinking to believe me if I had just kept my mouth shut about the other stuff.

On the other hand you might have gone away, thought about everything in like proper detail and then said, ‘What about rah rah rah he didn’t answer that?’ And then gone, ‘Guilty.’ Thing is: can I take the risk? I don’t think I can take the risk. To my mind I’ve got this one chance and it’s my life at the end of the day. This is hard man. Shit. Because believe, if I tell you this next thing, that might make me even guiltier, you get me? Shit.

Okay … Listen yeah?

A few weeks after I met up with Spooks I was at my yard with Kira. She was kind of beginning to warm up a little by then. She felt better now that she knew I had met her brother up and that he was still alive. Plus I told her that the heat was off of her and that the Glockz boys weren’t really interested in her any more.

‘You’re just a random girl to them innit?’ I said. ‘They got dozens of girls here there and everywhere and they got their own trap-house now anyway so they ain’t really looking for that kind of girl no more. They want girls to be making the drugs up and what have you. They producing now. As long as you’re off their radar I honestly don’t think they give a fuck any more.’

‘What about Spooks though? How was he when you saw him?’ she says, all quiet. Then out of nowhere, the door goes bang bang bang. Shit. I started flapping like a caught chicken. My first thought is Glockz! They have come for her. That fucker Jamil has opened his mouth already. Shit. Where can I hide her? Shit nowhere. My yard is like the size of a two-man cell.

Bang bang bang again. I run into the kitchen and look for the gun that I had stashed there. I find it. It’s still loaded but at least I knew it worked from the time I shot that boy in King’s Cross. The door goes again.

Bang bang bang.

The Baikal goes down my waistband. Kira has gone into shock and has started rocking on the bed. I take her by the arm and put her into the toilet and shut the door. I tell her to lock it and she must have snapped out of it long enough to do it because I hear the click of the latch. Bang bang bang! Louder now. ‘Don’t open your door whatever happens,’ I say through the toilet door. I don’t know if she hears me or not.

Bang bang bang! Then, someone is shouting something out but I can’t hear what. I go to the door. My heart is proper racing. I ain’t got one of them little peepholes thing so I don’t even know how many there is of them. If I don’t do something though, that door’s going to come down for sure and we’ll be finished. Shit! I decide that I’ll open the door quickly. If there’s more than one of them I’ll shut it again and get my gun out ready. If there’s only one? If there’s only one, maybe – I don’t know. I’ll decide later.

I pull open the door quickly just long enough to take a look and then shut it again. Huge man. For a second I think it’s Shilo, Jamil’s hench. Then I hear my name being called.