11

The next morning I found Doc in his little office. He looked surprised to see me. He knew I had something to say and he kept quiet, waited until I worked it out and laid it at his feet.

“I want to be part of it,” I said.

“Part of what, Tommy?”

“You know. The lottery.”

“You were.”

I shook my head. “You don’t understand. I want to go with Sonny and Conroy and Ape when they march them out tonight. I want to be part of that.”

“Tommy-”

“No, listen, Doc. Maria is my friend. I love her. I think she loves me. I don’t want her going out there alone without a friend. She needs me to be there. To…to see her off. She needs it. So do I. I don’t think I can ever be part of this unless you let me.”

He sighed. “Tommy, I don’t think it’s a good idea.”

Before he spent twenty minutes trying to steer me around to his way of thinking, I said, “I know I’ve been a pain in the ass, Doc. I know I’ve been nothing but trouble…but this isn’t easy. You gotta understand how hard all this is for me. For all of us. Just let me do this. This is something I need.”

Doc just stared at me for a time like he was trying to read what was in my mind, but I had it locked up tight as a vault. He was not getting in there. I emoted sincerity mixed with pain and confusion, grief and loss. But certainly nothing rebellious.

Doc started to shake his head, then he just sighed. “Are you sure, Tommy? Are you sure this is what you want?”

I nodded. “More than anything.”

Poor Doc. He was such a fucking fool. Always in charge. Always having to deal with it all. I almost felt sorry for him at that moment. “Okay, Tommy. If it’s what you want. Go ahead.”

“Thanks, Doc. This means a lot to me.”

He smiled and patted my hand like a favored uncle and I left his office. In the corridor I started grinning. None of them knew it, but I was about to bring hell down on each and every one of them.

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