Flora & Ulysses

There was a boy at the door.

He was short, and his hair was so blond that it looked almost white. His eyes were hidden behind enormous dark glasses.

In addition to TERRIBLE THINGS CAN HAPPEN TO YOU!, The Illuminated Adventures of the Amazing Incandesto! regularly featured a second bonus comic entitled The Criminal Element Is Among Us. The Criminal Element gave very specific pointers on how to never, ever be fooled by a criminal, and one of the oft-repeated dictums of The Criminal Element was that the best way to get to know a person was to look him or her directly in the eye.

Flora tried to look the boy in the eye, but all she saw was a reflection of herself in his dark glasses.

She looked short and uncertain, like an accordion in pajamas.

“William,” said Tootie, “I told you to stay put.”

“I heard screaming,” said the boy. His voice was high and thin. “I was concerned. I came as fast as I could. Unfortunately, on the way over here, I had a small but extremely violent encounter with some variety of shrub. And now I’m bleeding. I think I’m bleeding. I’m pretty sure I smell blood. But no one should be concerned. Please, don’t overreact.”

“This,” said Tootie, “is my nephew.”

“Great-nephew,” said the boy. “And I hope I don’t need stitches. Do you think I need stitches?”

“His name is William,” said Tootie.

“William Spiver, actually,” said Tootie’s nephew. “I prefer to be called William Spiver. It distinguishes me from the multiplicity of Williams in the world.” He smiled. “It’s a pleasure to meet you, whoever you are. I would shake your hand, but as I said, I think I’m bleeding. Also, I’m blind.”

“You are not blind,” said Tootie.

“I am suffering from a temporary blindness induced by trauma,” said William Spiver.

Temporary blindness induced by trauma.

The words sent a chill down Flora’s spine.

Seemingly, there was no end to the things that could go wrong with human beings. Why hadn’t TERRIBLE THINGS CAN HAPPEN TO YOU! done an issue on temporary blindness induced by trauma? Or, for that matter, one on extended hallucinations?

“I am temporarily blind,” said William Spiver again.

“How unfortunate,” said Flora’s mother.

“He’s not blind,” said Tootie. “But as of this morning, he is staying with me for the summer. Imagine my surprise and excitement.”

“I have nowhere else to go, Great-Aunt Tootie,” said William Spiver. “You know that. I am at the mercy of the winds of fate.”

“Oh,” said Flora’s mother. She clapped her hands. “How wonderful. A little friend for Flora.”

“I don’t need a little friend,” said Flora.

“Of course you do,” said her mother. She turned to Tootie. “Flora is very lonely. She spends far too much time reading comics. I’ve tried to break her of the habit, but I’m very busy with my novel writing and she is alone a lot. I’m worried that it has made her strange.”

“I’m not strange,” said Flora. This seemed like a safe statement to make when someone as truly, profoundly strange as William Spiver was standing beside her.

“I would be happy to be your friend,” said William Spiver. “Honored.” He bowed.

“How lovely,” said Flora’s mother.

“Yes,” said Flora. “How lovely.”

“The blind,” said William Spiver, “even the temporarily blind, have an excellent sense of smell.”

“Oh, for heaven’s sake,” said Tootie. “Here we go.”

“I have to tell you that I smell something out of the ordinary, something that is not usually smelled within the confines of the human domestic sphere,” said William Spiver. He cleared his throat. “I smell squirrel.”

Squirrel!

Confronted with the spectacle of William Spiver, they had forgotten about Ulysses.

Flora and her mother and Tootie all turned and looked at Ulysses. He was still on top of Mary Ann. He had managed to balance himself on the small blue-and-green globe that was at the center of the lampshade.

“That squirrel,” said Flora’s mother. “He’s rabid, diseased. He’s got to go.”