Flora & Ulysses

Flora ran from her room. She ran down the stairs. As she ran, she thought, For a cynic, I am a surprisingly helpful person.

She went out the back door.

Her mother called to her. She said, “Where are you going, Flora Belle?”

Flora didn’t answer her. She never answered her mother when she called her Flora Belle.

Sometimes she didn’t answer her mother when she called her Flora, either.

Flora ran through the tall grass and cleared the fence between her yard and the Tickhams’ in a single bound.

“Move out of the way,” said Flora. She gave Mrs. Tickham a shove and grabbed hold of the vacuum cleaner. It was heavy. She picked it up and shook it. Nothing happened. She shook harder. The squirrel dropped out of the vacuum cleaner and landed with a plop on the grass.

He didn’t look that great.

He was missing a lot of fur. Vacuumed off, Flora assumed.

His eyelids fluttered. His chest rose and fell and rose again. And then it stopped moving altogether.

Flora knelt. She put a finger on the squirrel’s chest.

At the back of each issue of The Illuminated Adventures of the Amazing Incandesto! there was a series of bonus comics. One of Flora’s very favorite bonus comics was entitled TERRIBLE THINGS CAN HAPPEN TO YOU! As a cynic, Flora found it wise to be prepared. Who knew what horrible, unpredictable thing would happen next?

TERRIBLE THINGS CAN HAPPEN TO YOU! detailed what action to take if you inadvertently consumed plastic fruit (this happened more often than you would suppose — some plastic fruit was extremely realistic looking); how to perform the Heimlich maneuver on your elderly aunt Edith if she choked on a stringy piece of steak at an all-you-can-eat buffet; what to do if you were wearing a striped shirt and a swarm of locusts descended (run: locusts eat stripes); and, of course, how to administer everyone’s favorite lifesaving technique: CPR.

TERRIBLE THINGS CAN HAPPEN TO YOU! did not, however, detail exactly how someone was supposed to give CPR to a squirrel.

“I’ll figure it out,” said Flora.

“What will you figure out?” said Mrs. Tickham.

Flora didn’t answer her. Instead, she bent down and put her mouth on the squirrel’s mouth.

It tasted funny.

If she were forced to describe it, she would say that it tasted exactly like squirrel: fuzzy, damp, slightly nutty.

“Have you lost your mind?” said Mrs. Tickham.

Flora ignored her.

She breathed into the squirrel’s mouth. She pushed down on his small chest.

She started to count.