Jihad

CHAPTER 3

Tommy Karr winced as his left leg was jammed toward his neck. The man looming over him began pummeling his back, pounding the muscles senseless. Without warning he grabbed Karr’s head and pushed it to the side, first left then right, rocking back and forth with sharp jerks.

A beating had never felt so good.

“You like?” asked the tellak, a combination attendant, masseuse, and scrubber in the exclusive Turkish bath.

“Gave me goose bumps,” said Karr.

“We move on when you’re ready.”

“Awesome.” Karr rolled off the hot marble slab, letting his bones soak in the warmth from the steam. Then he went out through an archway opposite the one where he had come in. The tellak was waiting, a razor in his hand.

“I think I’ll skip that, thanks,” said Karr. The next stage of a traditional Turkish bath, tozu—the removal of hair from all parts of the body — was generally optional for foreigners, but the attendant looked disappointed as he put his blade away and led Karr through a set of columns to a shallow marble bath. There he poured water over the American and began rubbing his torso with a camel hair glove several grades rougher than coarse sandpaper, pulling dead skin and hair into his fist.

“Tickles,” said Karr as he was flayed.

After he was buffed down, Karr was soaped with a cream that smelled like olive oil; he felt like a chicken being prepared for a barbecue. A rinse with ice-cold water followed. It took three large basins to properly baste the six-six American, whose muscles tingled with each splash.

Finally the tellak pronounced him finished by flapping a fresh towel in the air, wrapping it ceremoniously around Karr’s midsection. As a final gesture, he gave Karr a long lecture in Turkish on the history of Turkish baths — they extended to the Romans, who had made their capital here in Istanbul in the sixth century — and their many health benefits. Since the American had no idea what the man was saying, he nodded as soberly as possible, given the circumstances. Only when he was properly educated did the tellak see fit to release him, pointing toward an archway beyond the columns.

These led to the masak or cold room, a lounge where bathers went to recover from the ordeal of coming clean. Karr’s wooden clogs were two or three sizes too small, and he felt a bit like a ballet dancer in special shoes as he ambled into the room. The only other occupants were two middle-aged Turkish men sharing a nargile, a classic Turkish water pipe, smoking apple-scented tobacco. Karr smiled at them, giving his head a half bow. One of the men said something to the other, and they both laughed.

“Yup,” said Karr, laughing himself. “Definitely my first time.” He ran his fingers through his yellow hair. “Guess it shows, huh?”

The men looked at each other and laughed again. They were in their fifties, obviously well off or they wouldn’t be here. They sat on a large couch covered with a cloth so thick it looked like a rug. A tray of dried apricots sat on a small table at the side, along with two glasses of elma or apple tea.

“Stuff in the pipe smells good,” said Karr. “What is it? Ganja?”

“Eh?” asked one of the men.

“Dope. Pot.” Karr put his fingers to his lips as if smoking a joint. The men remained confused. “Marijuana?”

“Oh, no, no, no,” said the man on the left. “This is tobacco,” he said, speaking in English. “Here — join us.”

“Me?” Karr glanced around.

“Yes, yes, come, come. You’re American?”

“Born and bred,” said Karr. “You guys?”

The man turned and looked at his companion, then burst out laughing.

“We’re Turkish,” said the first man.

“Well, no, you just speak English real well,” said Karr.

“English is the universal language,” said the second man. “Come, sit with us, young fellow. Have a smoke. Very good.”

The men moved over on the couch and Karr sat between them. He took a hit on the water pipe and immediately began to cough. This amused his new friends so much they nearly fell off the couch laughing. He did better with a second puff; the smoke had a soft, cool taste.

“Wow. Don’t let the surgeon general taste that, huh? Get hooked right away.” Karr laughed and sat back on the couch. “Name’s Thomas Magnum. Dr. Magnum. I’m here for a conference. Great city.”

“I am a doctor as well,” said the man who had first spoken to him.

“More than a mere doctor,” said his friend. “The head of neurology.”

“I crack heads open to take a look,” said the doctor. He laughed, then told Karr that he had trained for a while in the U.S., and had thought of living there for a while. But pleasures like his regular Tuesday and Thursday visits to the hamam brought him back.

An attendant came to ask if Karr would like any refreshments. He deferred to his hosts for advice; after conferring in Turkish, they recommended a glass of ayran.

“Okay,” said Karr. “What is it?”

“Very healthy,” said the doctor. “You will live to one hundred.”

The attendant returned with a large glass of a white liquid that smelled like curdled cream. It turned out to be a salty yogurt drink that was clearly an acquired taste.

“Maybe some tea,” he said, putting the glass back on the table.

Tears of laughter flowed from his companions’ eyes. A small glass of tea appeared almost instantly. Karr took a sip, swished it around to get the salty yogurt taste from his mouth, then began to sneeze. The attendant reappeared with a small cloth — a handkerchief.

“Just what I needed. Thanks,” said Karr, adding another of his meager store of Turkish phrases, “teṢekkür ederim.” The words meant thank you, and were pronounced “teh-shekkewr eh-deh-reem.” Karr stumbled over the middle syllable in each word, and looked apologetically at his hosts.

“Did I get that right?” he asked. Then he covered his face as he sneezed.

The doctor corrected his pronunciation. Karr tried the phrase again, but once more had to sneeze. He excused himself — in English — rose and turned away to be polite.

It also made it easier to remove the small prosthetic tape at the roof of his mouth. He took the flat capsule and snapped it between his fingers, dividing the contents in the other men’s tea cups, which were blocked from their view by his hulking back.

“Wow. Must be allergic to something.” Karr held up his glass. “A toast, to Turkey and its great hospitality.”

His hosts nodded, and raised their teas as well.

“Bottoms up,” said Karr, draining his glass.