Monkey Business

russ spins the bottle

6:30 p.m.

My face is bleeding.

Twenty-six and still don’t know how to shave properly. Having to do it in public isn’t helping the situation. I don’t know how to floss properly, either. The Toronto dentist I went to warned me my teeth would fall out if I don’t start flossing. The dental hygienist actually demonstrated the right way to do it: wrap the floss around the middle finger so you can use your thumb and index finger to maneuver it. Every night. Come on! Does anyone floss every night? I bet superheroes don’t need to floss.

“Getting pretty for the big night?” Nick says, slapping me on the back.

“Beard was bothering me,” I lie.

“See you in Kimmy’s room?”

Kimmy’s room. Haven’t yet been inside Kimmy’s room. Did everything possible not to be in Kimmy’s room. Being in Kimmy’s room can’t lead to anything good. Actually that’s the dilemma. It can lead to something good, and I’m not talking ethics. “See you there.”

“You can make it? No javelin club or anything?”

Nick thinks it’s funny that I’ve signed up for every club at school. “There’s no javelin club.”

“No? I hope you’re not paying membership fees to all the clubs you’ve joined.”

“No membership fees. Just my blood.” Truth is, I may have piled too much on my plate. Yesterday, after class I played some ball, then met with the marketing association, then the real estate association, then with the group to work on our OB assignment, then had a smoke with Kimmy and ended up talking to her for two hours. Sharon would kill me if she knew how much I was smoking. Cigarettes, too. But it seems like such a natural thing to do here. After the smoke, I finished up my presentation for Integrative Communications then called Sharon, and then I couldn’t sleep so I went downstairs to the common room. Kimmy was there, said she couldn’t sleep, either, so we went for another smoke.

“No one will care if you drop one or two,” Nick says.

I think someone will. Especially because I’ve somehow managed to be on the executive committee on everything except basketball. “Maybe I’ll drop basketball.”

He clutches his hand to his chest. “A spear through my heart, dude. Anything but basketball.”

“See what I mean? I can’t choose. I don’t think I’ll drop any of them. Besides, I like them all. I wouldn’t want to miss out.”

“I may be out late tonight,” I tell Sharon, pressing a tissue against my still leaky chin. “I’m going to a party. Should I call later?”

“How late will you be back? Where’s the party? Don’t you have class tomorrow?”

Oh, man. Lately Sharon’s been grilling me about everything I do, and it’s getting on my nerves. And now she’s mad at me for not coming in for Canadian Thanksgiving. “Don’t know, at a friend’s place, and yes, I have class in the morning.”

I don’t tell her that the friend’s name is Kimmy. And that I spent the entire day watching Kimmy licking her red lollipop. I sat in class, mesmerized, watching her insert it in her mouth and out again…in and out…in and out…When I asked her what I should bring to the party, she purred, “Just yourself. Just come.” She emphasized the word come. At least I think she did. Did she? I think I’ve been letting my other head do the thinking lately. I’ve spent all day imagining her in a black push-up bra and matching thong and holding the string of a red balloon.

“Don’t be snarky,” Sharon says. “I was just asking. Excuse me for taking an interest in your life. Maybe if you came home once in a while…”

“You know I’m sorry I couldn’t come home. But I’ll come in for American Thanksgiving.”

“Whatever. If you have time.”

Why is she always making me feel guilty? Doesn’t she realize how important my education is? “I have to go.”

“Fine. Bye.” She hangs up, without telling me she loves me and to be good. She always tells me to be good. I wonder if that means I can be bad.

“Welcome,” Kimmy says, opening her door. Instead of a push-up bra and thong, she’s wearing a tight, low-cut, short red dress and strappy red heels. Oh, man.

Jamie, Lauren and Nick are already sitting cross-legged on the floor. So far Jamie has been late to every class this semester, but for this he’s on time.

A picnic has been set up on in the carpet. Fancy cheeses, crackers, five open bottles of wine and one bottle of Coke. Barenaked Ladies are playing on the CD player, and the speakers are set up by her bed.

“Pour vous,” she says, handing me a white plastic cup.

“Thanks. And happy birthday.”

“How hot is she?” Jamie says, and then stuffs his mouth with a cracker loaded with Brie.

“Sizzling,” I answer, and Jamie throws me a murderous look. “Are we the only guests?” I ask, trying to break the tension.

Kimmy is watching us. Watching me. Oh, man. Sharon, Sharon, Sharon.

“Yeah,” Kimmy says. “I invited Layla, but she claims she has a group meeting. Whatever. More wine for me.”

“I’d like to propose a toast,” Kimmy says, lifting her glass. “To a brilliant group, for producing brilliant work.”

We all clink our glasses (more of a thud, actually, since we’re using plastic cups). “Here, here,” Lauren says. I step around the carpet. Kimmy’s bed creaks as I sit on it.

Jamie stuffs another cracker into his mouth. “And to you, my sweet Kimmy, for throwing this shindig. And for passing me the Diet Coke so you can fill me up again.”

“Diet?” I say. “Didn’t realize you were counting calories.”

“More productive than counting the number of times you’ve looked down Kimmy’s dress, Russ,” Jamie snaps.

Kimmy leans over Nick, topping off Jamie’s glass. Her breasts spill over her dress. When she steps back toward her chair, a drop of Diet Coke dribbles onto her knee. “Don’t worry, there’s lots more where that came from,” she says.

“Lauren, dude,” Nick says, “why don’t you lick that up? You know you want to.”

Lauren punches him in the arm. “Don’t be a pig.”

“Hey, why not?” Kimmy asks. She sits down, crosses her legs and her dress hikes up her creamy thighs. “I’m offended. I’m not your type?”

“Too skinny,” Lauren says.

“You know who you look like?” Jamie says to Kimmy. “Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct. The interrogation scene. Do you remember it? Are you wearing panties? No, don’t tell me. Let me imagine.”

She crosses her legs, then uncrosses them again. “You’ll never know.”

My curiosity has been piqued-along with the southern part of my anatomy. I wonder what her pubic hair looks like. Perfectly manicured? A strip. She seems like a groomer.

I down the glass as if it’s a shot. The wine floats through my chest, warming me. Must stop imagining Kimmy’s pubic hair. Brown pubic hair. Dark brown or chocolate brown? Stop. Can’t stop. If only I had X-ray vision so I could see through her dress. Or is it a skirt? Never remember the difference. Sharon tried to explain it, but I never remember. Sharon, Sharon, Sharon. Wish I had a superpower that could make me stop thinking about…about…Sharon.

One hour and seven glasses of wine later, I can definitely see through Kimmy’s dress. My X-ray vision might be alcohol induced, but it’s working. I watch her nipples as she bends over the picnic to spin a bottle. It whirls twice and hits the blue cheese. “Did you ever play spin the bottle when you were in grade school?” she asks.

“Does it count if it was with myself?” Jamie asks.

“Too much info,” Nick says. “Let’s play.”

Lauren groans. “What are you, ten?”

Jamie rubs his hands together as if they’re cold. “I’m in.”

“Of course, you’re in,” Lauren says. “As if you’d turn down a chance to stick your tongue into Kimmy’s mouth.”

“Again,” Nick adds.

Blushing, Kimmy looks at me. “I’m in if Russ is in.”

Everyone stares at me. It’s club-registration day all over again. How can I say no?

Spin the bottle isn’t cheating. It’s a game. Think basketball, I tell myself. “I’m in.”

Kimmy picks up one of the bottles, drinks the rest of it, and says, “Someone move the cheese so we can spin this baby.”

Nick and Jamie cheer.

“All right, here are the rules,” she says. “First time you land on someone, it’s a kiss on the cheek. Second it’s a kiss on the lips. Third time, there’s tongue. Fourth-”

“Blow job,” Nick says.

Lauren punches him again. “No blow jobs.”

“Don’t worry,” Jamie says. “We don’t mind if you’re inexperienced.”

Lauren rolls her eyes. “Ha-ha. Third is tongue, fourth you can use your hands, and fifth is seven minutes in the closet.”

Nick’s face lights up. “If you get Kimmy, can we all go into the closet and watch?”

Lauren threatens him with a nearby bottle. “Only if you get Jamie and we get to watch you.”

Nick seizes the bottle and gives it a twirl. “I’m starting. And the lucky winner is-”

The bottleneck points directly at me. Lauren, Kimmy and Jamie cheer.

“No way,” I say.

“Pucker up, Russ,” Jamie says.

Nick grabs the bottle and turns bright red. “I think I should spin again.”

“Don’t be so homophobic,” Lauren says. “People are just people. Everyone is a sexual being.”

“I have nothing against men kissing men,” Nick says. “I just don’t want to be on the giving end.”

I shake my head. “Or on the receiving end.”

“Haven’t you ever heard of the sliding scale of homosexuality?” Lauren says. “It seems unlikely that both of you are all the way on the hetero side.”

Nick ignores her. “I’m amending the rules. Whenever a guy gets another guy, it’s a truth or dare instead.”

“That’s such a rip,” Lauren says, stretching her long legs in front of her.

“We’ll vote,” Nick says. “All in favor?”

Jamie, Nick and I raise our hands.

“No fair,” Kimmy says. “We’re outnumbered.”

“So Nick-man, what will it be?” I ask. “Truth or dare?”

Nick flexes his muscles. “Dare.”

“I dare you to make out with Russ,” Lauren says.

“Quite the comedienne, aren’t you,” I say. “I’ll come up with a dare. I dare Nick to chug the rest of that bottle.” I point to a half-full bottle.

He picks up the bottle and gulps it down while we chant “Chug! Chug! Chug!”

When he’s done, he holds up the bottle as if it’s a trophy, then hands it to Lauren. “Your turn.”

“Why are we going counterclockwise?” Jamie asks.

Lauren spins the bottle. “Because we’re wild and crazy.” It rolls over a napkin and points to me.

What am I, a bottle magnet? She kisses me on the cheek.

Jamie snatches the bottle and spins. It lands on Kimmy.

He punches his arm in the air. “Wahoo! Come to Papa. Bend over, baby-you never specified which cheek.”

“Don’t get cheeky with me, or you’ll lose your turn.” She turns her face to him, and he kisses it, making a lurid slurping noise.

My turn. I spin the bottle. It lands on Nick.

“Truth or dare?” Kimmy says.

“Dare,” I say. I guess we’re not following any rules about who gets to give the dare.

“I dare you to remove one piece of clothing,” Kimmy says.

My face burns like I shaved too quickly, but that could be the booze. I unbutton my shirt. “It’s getting hot in here, anyway.”

Jamie hums porno music.

Three years ago, I wouldn’t have been able to do this. I would have felt too stupid, with my concave chest. I would have come up with an excuse to leave the room. But now…I feel fine. Strong. Drunk.

Everyone stares at my chest when I take it off. “Stop flexing,” Jamie says.

“My turn,” Kimmy says, still staring at my chest. She spins the bottle and it lands on-

Me? Me? Will it be me? Let it be me.

– between Nick and Lauren. “It’s closer to Nick,” Kimmy says.

Nick taps his cheek, and she gives him a quick peck. I spin and it lands on Lauren. I peck her on the cheek. Then Lauren spins and it lands on Kimmy. Nick, Jamie and I cheer.

“Fine with me,” Lauren says.

“Fine with me, too,” Kimmy says. Lauren kisses her on the cheek.

Jamie’s turn. It lands on Kimmy. He cheers and tells her to pucker up.

Their lips touch and I feel a prick of jealousy in my spine. Why does he keep getting her?

My turn. Kimmy, Kimmy, Kimmy…it points to Lauren.

My superhero powers are not working. She taps her cheek and I kiss it. She smells clean, like Head & Shoulders.

Kimmy’s turn. Around and around and around and…me. Finally. She leans off her chair and her lips hit half on my cheek and half on my lips. I feel her breath on my mouth, and she smells sexy and spicy, and my whole body stiffens.

I finish the wine in my glass. And pour myself another.

Nick spins and lands on Jamie. “Truth,” he calls out.

“How many times did you jerk off today?” Lauren asks.

He ponders the question. “Twice.”

“Ew,” she groans, and rolls back onto the rug.

“You asked.”

She nods, suddenly intrigued. “Where do you do it?”

He shrugs. “Anywhere, dude. In my room. In the bathroom. In the bathroom in the Katz building, in-”

Lauren holds her hand up to stop him. “I was only supposed to ask you one question. My mistake. And my turn.” She spins and lands on Kimmy again.

Nick, Jamie and I cheer. The girls peck each other on the lips.

Jamie spins and the bottle points at Nick.

“You’re choosing dare, dude,” Nick says. “Down four shots of vodka.”

Jamie shakes his head. “I don’t drink.”

“Then you don’t get to see Kimmy and Lauren make out.”

“Don’t force him to drink,” Kimmy says. “And I don’t have any vodka, anyway.”

Nick pulls a silver flask from his backpack, and hands it to Jamie. Then he takes out four shot glasses and lines them up on the floor.

Jamie lets out a big, dramatic sigh. “I’ll do it. But if I pass out, don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

We count as Jamie drinks and makes sour faces.

My turn. I spin and try to use my mental powers to make it land back on Kimmy. It points to me.

“You have to give yourself a blow job, dude,” Nick says.

“Why are you so obsessed with blow jobs?” Lauren asks. “Ha! I bet it’s because you’ve never had one.”

“You lose your turn,” Jamie slurs. “Kimmy’s up.”

Not fair. But then Kimmy lands on me and my sense of fairness flies straight out the window.

“Again?” Jamie says. “This sucks. This game sucks.”

Apparently booze makes Jamie whiny.

Kimmy leans toward me and slowly, carefully, kisses me. Her lips are sweet and wet and I want to pull her toward me but I don’t. She smiles at me as she sits back in her chair.

The game keeps going but all I can think about are Kimmy’s wet lips.

Nick and Jamie are cheering because Lauren landed on Kimmy again. “Tongue! Tongue! Tongue!” we all chant.

“Aren’t men mature?” Lauren says, leaning toward her. Kimmy holds her hair back.

The girls roll their eyes and both stick out their tongues like they’re making faces at a teacher behind her back, then move in close enough so their tongues touch.

Nick and I groan with pleasure.

“That was too short,” Jamie cries. “And I didn’t see any saliva.”

Nick snorts. “Dude, you’re not supposed to see saliva. I guess that’s why Kimmy never slept with you again.”

Jamie gives him an evil look and spins. He lands on me.

“Say dare,” Nick says. He shakes the flask.

Jamie grins. “Truth.”

Nick shakes his head in disgust. “Why are you such a pussy?”

“Is that your question?” he asks, looking bored.

“No,” he says, taking a sip from the flask himself. “If you had to choose between screwing Professor Gold or Swiley, who would you choose?”

“Professor Swiley. She seems quite energetic. Russ, your turn.”

I think I would agree with him. Swiley is energetic. I bet she’s peppy in bed. I think I’m pretty drunk. I spin and land on Kimmy. This is number two for us. I lean into her and she leans into me. Oh, man. Her lips part and I part mine and our mouths are all over each other. Her tongue slips into my mouth and tingles against mine.

“Get a room,” someone in the background says.

I stop. I feel Jamie staring. Kimmy runs her fingers through her hair. Oh, man. I pour myself another glass of wine.

Kimmy spins. Every part of my body wants it to land on me. Lauren.

Nick cheers. “Giddyap!”

Kimmy walks over to Lauren and sits on her lap. And then, very slowly, they start going at it. Tongue, saliva, the works. We watch, mesmerized, as Lauren raises her hands and caresses Kimmy’s breasts.

Then Kimmy caresses Lauren.

Holy shit.

“I think I just came,” Jamie says.

Kimmy and Lauren start laughing and pull away from each other.

Kimmy sits down on the bed beside me. My heart is hammering against my rib cage. If we were alone in here, I’d be all over her.

“Can you do that again?” Nick says, bug-eyed.

He spins, and gets Lauren, and they kiss. Then Lauren gets Nick, and Nick says, “Time to turn your back to our team.”

Lauren rolls her eyes and they kiss again. Then Nick jumps on top of her, squishing a chunk of Brie, and Lauren knees him in the groin.

“Ball breaker,” he wheezes.

“This is getting boring,” Lauren says, pushing him off her. “Can we play something else?”

Something else? What else could lead to Kimmy’s tongue in my mouth? I need to have her tongue in my mouth. I need to be on top of her.

“How about ‘I never’?” Nick offers, still wheezing. “That’s where you have to drink to everything you’ve done.”

“I’m bored,” Jamie whines. “This sucks.”

“So leave,” Nick says. “What’s wrong with you, dude?”

“I told you, I don’t like drinking.”

Nick ignores him. “How about truth-or-dare?”

“We already did that,” I said. “It was the alternate solution to the alternate lifestyle, remember?”

“I dare the girls,” Nick says, “to take off their shirts and bras.”

“Yeah, right,” Lauren says.

“I’m not wearing a bra,” Kimmy says.

Oh, man.

Nick starts to remove his shirt. “I’ll take off my mine and the rest of you take off yours. Russ’s is already off-you don’t hear him complaining, do you?”

Lauren shrugs. “I’m not afraid to take off my shirt. Tell you what. You streak the floor bare-assed, and I’ll be right behind you bare-chested.”

Nick jumps into standing position, already in mid-pant unsnapping. “We strip in the bathroom and then run to the second-floor bathroom and back.”

“I’m going to sleep,” Jamie says, standing up.

“Stop being such a wimp,” Nick tells him. “Do you have a camera? Let’s take pictures.”

Jamie sighs heavily. “Fine.”

“You’re on,” Lauren says. She takes a swig of Nick’s flask and runs off, pulling her shirt over her head. Jamie and Nick look at each other and follow after her. The door slams shut behind them.

The CD must have stopped a while ago. It’s quiet in here. Kimmy puts her hand on my leg. “Just us,” she says.

“Just us,” I repeat.

Her face is barely an inch from mine. Her lips are wet and moist. My mouth is dry. She brushes her hair away from her face. “I think we should continue where we left off.”

I think she’s right. I run my hand through her hair. She looks into my eyes. Slowly I lean into her and kiss her.

Oh, man.