The Owl Killers

january

a week of general licence in abbeys and monasteries. an abbot of misrule was appointed, monks burned old sandals instead of incense, drank, swore, and farted in church, sang parodies of hymns, and ate black puddings in a mock mass.

sERVANT MARTHA LAID HER QUILL DOWN with a sigh. “As I told you last week, Osmanna, you will continue to work in the infirmary until a new Martha is appointed. My instructions have not changed.”

But I wasn’t a physician. I could keep the place in order and continue to give the existing patients the same treatments as Healing Martha had done, for she had written down exactly what each person must be given. But if anyone came with a new sickness or injury I wouldn’t know what to do. And what of Healing Martha herself? How was I to treat her?

“But, Servant Martha, when will a new Martha be appointed?”

“Were you not listening when I explained to the whole beguinage that the Holy Spirit did not confirm who was to be the next Martha?”

“Yes, but-”

“Then you already know the answer to your question.”

But that was the point; I didn’t know, no one did, although there were endless whispered speculations. “Being of one mind is the sign that the Holy Spirit has put his seal upon a decision, for He plants His will in each of our minds,” Servant Martha said. But the Marthas had not been of one mind. Everyone said that they had argued and since everyone expected Beatrice to be named Martha, it could only have been over her. But which of them had opposed her?

Beatrice was angry and hurt. She spent as much time as she could with Gudrun, ignoring all the stares and whispers. She’d always doted on Gudrun, but now she seemed to be occupied with nothing else, fussing over Gudrun as if she was a newborn baby. The two spent hours together in the cote and if Gudrun ever managed to slip out, Beatrice would abandon anything she was doing and clamber up to old Gwenith’s cottage to look for her, no matter what the weather. I didn’t blame her. Gudrun was the only person who didn’t realise the humiliation Beatrice had suffered, and Gudrun couldn’t gossip behind her back.

Servant Martha had taken me aside after she’d spoken to everyone in the refectory. It was obvious from her clipped voice and hardened jaw that she was annoyed about what had happened in the Marthas’ Council. Her instructions to me had been curt. I would continue in the infirmary until a Martha was appointed. That would be my only duty from now on and Pega would help me.

I was relieved that someone was to help me, but half of me wished it had been someone other than Pega, and the other half of me was glad it was her. I wanted a chance to explain to her why I had run out of the barn on that day she kissed me. I wanted to say to her, Hold me again and this time I won’t run. But Pega seemed to go out of her way to be busy whenever I tried to approach her.

I often caught her looking at me when she thought I was occupied. Whenever I felt her watching, the place on my brow where she’d laid her warm mouth seemed to burn as if her lips were still there. I cursed myself a thousand times over for running out of the barn. It was only a kiss and she was only trying to be kind. A hundred times a day, I tried to think of something to say that would mend what I had done and get her to talk to me again, but everything I thought of sounded foolish even in my head.

“Servant Martha, I don’t have the skill for the infirmary. I’m sure there is someone else who could do it much better. Perhaps, Beatr-”

“Nonsense!” The mole on her chin quivered.

If Servant Martha had lived in the time of Noah and God had told her that He was going to send a flood to destroy the world, she would have simply said, “Nonsense.” And He wouldn’t have dared to do it.

“I’m very disappointed in you, Osmanna. I didn’t think that you of all people would refuse to take on a little work, when you know how grave the need is.”

I opened my mouth to indignantly protest that I wasn’t refusing to work, but she didn’t wait for an answer.

“God requires this task of you; therefore He will equip you to perform it. Do you think that some good fairy simply bestowed the skill and knowledge on Healing Martha at her christening? She earned her knowledge through long tiring hours of study and practise. And you will acquire the skills you need if you apply yourself diligently to the mastery of them.”

I knew that she was in no mood to be questioned, but I blurted it out before I could stop myself.

“Servant Martha, doesn’t the parable of the talents teach us that each of us is born with different gifts which we must use in different ways for God’s service?”

Her back stiffened and she slowly rose from her stool, like a father before he strikes a rebellious child. Instead, she moved past me to stand in the open doorway, staring out at hard grey skies beyond the walls.

“The parable speaks not of gifts, Osmanna, but of coins, which are entrusted to us for safekeeping. A gift may be used as the recipient pleases, but the master requires a reckoning of the money entrusted to a servant. A coin must be spent to fulfil its worth, else it remains a useless disc of metal. The coin that God saw fit to place in your keeping is your intelligence, Osmanna, your quickness to learn. Do not squander such a purse on clever arguments and vain questions, but on acquiring such knowledge as may save your soul and that of your fellow man. Read the herbals, Osmanna; read the Psalter. Put other books aside until you are able to bring a goodly measure of knowledge and mature judgement to the studying of them.”

I felt my cheeks burning. I knew exactly which book she meant. When I finally confessed what I’d been reading I expected her to order me to destroy the book or, at the very least, surrender it to her, but I should have realised that she wouldn’t. Servant Martha had spoken so many times in the chapel of the folly of seeking to silence knowledge. She always said that if the words on a page were true, then burning the book would not destroy the truth of them and if they were false, then their falsehood would be exposed in God’s good time, so that all men might mock it. However much the book angered her, she would never break faith with her principles and destroy it.

Servant Martha turned from the doorway and glared down at me, her lips pressed tightly together. I had irritated her from the first moment she saw me in my father’s hall. Every answer I made to her was the wrong answer, but I couldn’t seem to keep my mouth shut. I had to answer back; even when she declared the discussion closed, I couldn’t help myself. But for once I wished she’d talk to me, really talk. There was so much I wanted to know. I wanted to ask her what she felt when she elevated the body of Christ, that moment when she became Christ. What did it feel like to touch the mind of God? If only she had told me that, perhaps I could have understood why eating that little disc of bread was so important.

Servant Martha gripped the edge of the door frame as if she was suddenly weary. “Osmanna, I know that you are young. I know the infirmary is a heavy responsibility for one of your tender years. But you can always seek advice from others. It is not a burden you have to share alone. That is the whole essence of a beguinage-no woman is alone with her burdens. But know this: I would not have entrusted you with the task if I did not believe you were equal to it. I have had to persuade others that you are capable of this, and believe me there are many who think you are not, so do not make me a fool in their eyes, Osmanna. I will not forgive that.”