A Writer's Tale

Garbage Language

HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED THAT LITERALLY EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK, people are abusing the language?

I just did.

Since when did “literally” come to mean “figuratively”?

That is almost the only way you find it used, these days.

“Literally” has stopped meaning literally altogether. It has become a term of exaggeration.

And it has, thereby, become literally useless.

It has been turned into a garbage word.

The funny thing about “literally” is that, even when used properly, it is almost always a garbage word. What does it mean, anyway?

It literally means nothing.

Which is a wordy way to express, “It means nothing.”

Wordy, but oh so impressive. A person sounds so very intelligent when it’s “literally” this and “literally” that and “literally” everything under the sun “literally” including the kitchen sink.

And there we have the secret behind the current use and abuse of the poor word.

Saying it makes you sound smart.

At least if your audience isn’t.

Writers use and abuse the poor word, but the worst offenders are public speakers: attorneys, politicians, educators, news commentators and reporters, “community leaders” and activists promoting their questionable causes. Such people are often on the air, molding minds, influencing the public’s perception of our language.

These same impressive, supposedly highly educated folks (after all, most of them have passed the “bar” examination), not only toss around “literally” as if they’re being paid ten bucks every time it pops out of their mouths, but they seem to linger under the impression that the “t” in often is not supposed to be silent. It should be pronounced “off-‘n,” not “off-ton.” And they labor under the impression that “irregardless” is a word. It isn’t.

The word is “regardless.” No ir. The ir appears to be borrowed from the real word, “irrespective.” Apparently, the two words have similar meanings and get tangled in the heads of these highly intelligent people.

On the subject of the errant ir how often do you hear supposedly well-educated people say, “To err is human”? Only it sounds like, “To air is human.” As if they’re talking about farts. Properly pronounced, err rhymes with “fur,” not “fair.” I happen to know that because my old college roommate, Fred Castro, lost a public speaking contest when he erred in the pronunciation of err. (Plus, the dictionary provides corroborating evidence.) Bad enough that we are constantly being battered by poor language coming from people who ought to know better, but the mistakes are pretentious. Showoffy.

At the very moment that a person is trying to impress us with his erudition by flourishing his “literally,” his “often” and his “irregardless,” he’s erring in front of everyone who knows better.

The person is arguably a pretentious moron.

Arguably?

What’s that?

Another precious garbage word. Literally, it means that a person might conceivably argue in favor of the point that is being made.

But basically it means nothing.

I’ve just hit you with two more garbage words.

Conceivably. Basically.

They are most often used in such a way that they have little or no meaning at all. They are “smart-sounding” filler.

Garbage.

Arguably, conceivably, basically.

Such words mean virtually nothing.

Virtually!

More garbage. In current usage, it seems to be a synonym of literally.

But is there a viable alternative to the use of such language?

Viable? If any alternative is not viable, should it be considered an alternative at all? No.

Of course not. If it’s inviable, why bother to mention it at all?

But people do.

Frequently.

Just read, just listen.

People are constantly using such garbage, stuffing their sentences with meaningless junk, making themselves sound really smart and in many cases cluttering the works so that the audience isn’t exactly sure what the hell they’re getting at.

Maybe obfuscation, as it were, is their intent.

As it were? More garbage, if you will. Dumb filler thrown into sentences for no good reason. Like if you will.

In many cases, people are obviously using such language in order to side-step the truth.

The same good folks will clutter their language with other junk such as “to be perfectly honest,” and “frankly,” and “in point of fact.”

Such words and phrases always precede an evasion.

A lie.

“In fact” comes before a falsehood.

As does, “Trust me.”

As does “absolutely.”

As in, “I’m absolutely, 100 percent not guilty.”

If you read or hear such language being used, you may be sure that its source is either: a. an innocent who has picked up his language skills by watching television, or b. a charlatan who is hoping to hoodwink you. More often the latter.

I now see that I’ve been too harsh in my condemnation of garbage language.

Three cheers for it!

God bless it!

Because without such language, we would have a much more difficult time identifying those who are trying to put something over on us.

Instead of being marked with an A like Hester Prynne, these people are branded by their use of the ABC’s.

A is for arrogant.

B is for bullshit.

C is for con.

They are not to be trusted.