A Writer's Tale

ON CRITICS (AND FANGORIA)

BACK IN APRIL, 1993, AN ARTICLE THAT I WROTE ABOUT CRITICS appeared in Afraid: The Newsletter for the Horror Professional. Here it is.

THE LIZZIE BORDEN SYNDROME OR VICIOUS HACKS WITH A LUST FOR CHOPPING OTHER PEOPLE’S WOOD, FICTION, AND NECKS

Here is a little secret for you reviewers out there who get your jollies by applying forty whacks to our books.

We know who you are.

We know what you’re doing.

We’re pissed.

Usually, you hear nothing about it. The main reason is, we don’t want to waste our time.

You see, we understand.

We know that you’re taking your shots at us for any of countless petty reasons, not the least of which is envy. We know that you have your little axes to grind. We know that you get a lot of attention from your peers for penning your opinions about other people’s creations. Hey, and you get paid, too! On top of that, you look so grand when you dump on us, because it presupposes that you are our superiors. You see? We do understand. We also understand that you would probably be writing fiction, the same as us, if only you had what it takes.

You’re really just the same as us, you see.

Sort of like a tick is the same as a dog.

Say now, that’s quite an analogy! Not only do you subsist by crawling all over us and sucking our blood, but you’re also a fundamentally useless pest. You hide in our fur, bite us, get bloated, but do little real damage (unless you’re diseased, which I wouldn’t consider unlikely). You’re difficult to get rid of. But the folk remedy is lighter fluid on your butt.

Curtain.

Lights come up.

Applause from the writers among the readers of AFRAID, smirks from the subjects of this little piece. Oh, I can see them now. Sneering, muttering, thinking “I’m really gonna get that damn moronic pervert, Laymon, next time I get a chance to review one of his pitiful pieces of crap.”

To which I proudly exclaim, “Yawk yawk yawk, do your worst, you idjits.”

Now, before the more reasonable of you people out there decide I’ve gone off the beam, I want to explain something. I’ve kept quiet for YEARS while a small tribe of brainless assassins have been throwing hatchets at me. Their aim is bad and their hatchets are dull, but for just how long is someone supposed to ignore the attacks?

Also, these ambushers are disguised as book reviewers. At first glance, they appear to be performing a fairly legitimate task: writing book criticism.

I have no problem with the real book reviewers of our world.

Such people are doing writers and readers a service. They usually know good writing from bad, and they try to be objective and fair. Whether or not such reviewers may like my books, I can respect their opinions.

I asked Mike Baker (the publisher of Afraid), to print this article because Afraid has always seemed to print honest, unbiased reviews. Mystery Scene is also a fine magazine with a high standard of reviewing books.

I’m dealing here with others.

The tribe of ambushers. The hacks with their axes to grind and the gleam in their eyes.

People like David Kuehls, Linda Marotta, Ellen Datlow, and Stefan Dziemianowicz.

Uh-oh, I just named names.

And boy, I bet these four little pundits are mighty surprised to find themselves the object of a review by a writer they’ve been so cheerfully smearing in public for so long.

These four are at the top of my list. But not just mine.

Some or all of these same assailants are roundly despised by other writers who have been targets of their snide, mindless bombast.

Here are a few reasons why my four made the list.

1. David Kuehls. In 1989, I received a letter from Kuehls inviting me to contribute a story to an anthology he had in the works. In his request, he was careful to point out that he is “a book reviewer for Fangoria.” I, for one, caught a whiff of threat from this invitation.

Nevertheless, I wrote to Kuehls and politely declined to contribute a story.

No doubt it’s a simple coincidence, but Kuehls subsequently wrote vicious diatribes against my novels for Fangoria. (Hey, if he thought my stuff was so lame, why did he ask me to contribute to his anthology?) I smell foul play.

A friend of mine, who shall go unnamed, received similar treatment at Kuehl’s hands. He had also declined to contribute a story to the reviewer’s anthology I must wonder do the publishers of Fangoria know that Kuehls is using their magazine to clobber writers who didn’t cough up stories for his book?

2. Linda Marotta. In Fangoria #104, this person whom I shall gently refer to as “a piece of work,” wrote about The Stake, “Just how many times can one use the word ‘retarded’ in one review? Reading a Richard Laymon novel is like watching a really dumb splatter flick.” And so on, in the same vein.

A few of my fellow writers happened onto the Marotta review during a signing, and started laughing. They asked me what I’d done to this gal to make her hate me. “Did you murder her children or something?”

The truth is, I don’t know her. I never even knew she existed until she started pulling her Lizzie Borden number on me.

Furthermore, I don’t want to know her.

Whatever else she might be a subject I don’t even wish to contemplate she is obviously a nasty and bitter… woops, never mind!

By the way, if you think The Stake was retarded, you ought to read Marotta’s latest novel, entitled…

Woops, again!

Far as I know, there ain’t no such thing. My mistake, Linda. But what can you expect from a retard?

Anyway, with a couple of cases like Kuehls and Marotta doing the reviews for Fangoria, I quit buying the magazine.

I can’t take a magazine seriously when it publishes reviews by the likes of Kuehls and Marotta. I know firsthand the crap that this pair has spewn on me, so I don’t care what they say about anyone else.

3. Now, to Ellen Datlow. She appears to share Marotta’s view of my work, but she hasn’t attacked me as blatantly as her soul-sister. I suppose I should thank her for that. She mostly uses the snub. In her big annual summation of the year in horror a while back, one of my novels was banished from existence, not a word mentioned about it in spite of the fact that she seemed to list every horror novel published during the entire year. I mean every one of them. Except for mine. This nonexistent book was either Funland or The Stake.

Maybe I’m paranoid for suspecting that the omission was intentional.

But I’m pretty sure it was.

Hey, it was her list.

And this is mine.

Some more on Ellen Datlow. She opened her big, important essay on “The Year in Horror” with a study of American Psycho. In the course of that, she wrote, “I don’t believe the violence is any worse than that in genre horror writers Richard Laymon and C. Dean Andersson or for that matter in the works of the Marquis deSade.”

That’s such a good remark that I could use it as a cover blurb, but she never intended it to be a compliment.

Somewhere along the line, she also dumped on my stuff in Night Visions 7, which was especially annoying because she had written to me and asked me to send her a free copy of the book and I’d done it! Marotta must be right! I’m retarded!

4. Stefan Dziemianowicz. His review of Midnight’s Lair in the Winter, 1993 issue of Cemetery Dance is what prompted me to write this counterattack. It wasn’t much of a review, but it was enough to push me too far. In his pithy assault, this chap wrote regarding my characters, “By the end of the story, we know more about their underwear than their personalities.” Bravo! Such wit! I am awestruck by his rapier pen.

The line, however, was a standout in a review that was otherwise stunning in its banality.

In other words, he pooped all over Midnight’s Lair, but did a half-assed job of it. I’m sure he’ll try harder on future occasions.

I’ve heard about Dziemainowicz, and frankly it doesn’t surprise me at all that he hates my books.

One question, though: if he’s such a highbrow hotshot, why doesn’t he stop crapping on writers and try to be one himself?

Woops! Maybe he already tried that!

My fellow writers! Maybe I went overboard in the above, but it was lots of fun.

Why should mean-spirited reviewers be allowed to attack us without any fear of retribution?

Most of us, most of the time, tend to laugh off vicious reviews. And many such reviews are funny, because they’re so idiotic. But the reviews do hurt. You know they do. We read them and we get a sick little feeling in the pits of our stomachs even when we know the review is trash and the reviewer is a dumb puke.

They make us feel rotten, but we say, “Even a bad review is better than no review at all. Publicity is publicity.”

Maybe so.

But a lot of people out there haven’t yet discovered our books, and they are being turned against us when they read reviews that make our work look like crud.

Suppose a potential fan hasn’t yet read any of your books.

Suppose, before he or she gets the chance, along comes a piece of misleading garbage written about it by someone with a grudge. This person, who might’ve absolutely fallen in love with your stuff, never gives you a try.

Thanks to someone who hates your guts and has a forum.

Thanks to your tribe of enemies.

My tribe includes David Kuehls, Linda Marotta, Ellen Datlow and Stefan Dziemianowicz.

Their reviews aren’t reviews at all, but personal assaults committed on someone they don’t even know and had no reasonable cause to hate.

These are ruthless, gleeful muggings.

I want everyone who reads this article to know that their reviews of my work are based on their own little secret grudges and agendas and have little to do with the piece of fiction that they are purporting to review.

I also want everyone to know that I consider the publication of such reviews to be a personal attack on me by the publisher who provides a forum to these muggers.

Furthermore… !

Hey, my friends, let’s hear from you. Who is out there nailing you? Time to name names and kick butt. The creeps have been mucking with us, unscathed.

Time for us to do some scathing of our own!

Write in!

If nothing else, you’ll have a good time, you’ll be giving moral support to their victims, you’ll be letting a rather significant corner of our horror community know who is out to get you, and you’ll really piss off the reviewers who already despise you. Need anyone ask for more?

That’s my article. Unaltered, unexpurgated, unimproved.

Mike Baker was happy to publish it exactly as I’d written it.

I felt as if I’d tossed a hand grenade into a crowded room full of enemies.

I wasn’t exactly present to observe the results, but I know for a fact that all four of my targets got hit. I heard about it from people who knew them.

And I grinned.

Vengeance is wonderful.

Not only did I strike out at my four reviewers, but I attacked on behalf of every writer who’d been ambushed by such people.

From what I hear, the article caused a stir. Not only were copies of Afraid being snatched up, but photocopies of “The Lizzie Borden Syndrome” were making the rounds.

Apparently, it was the talk of the “horror community.”

Shortly after the article appeared, I received letters and phone calls from several writers who applauded my counterattack.

Their names would be familiar to you, but they might not wish to be publicly associated with this matter, so I’ll keep their identities to myself.

I even got a call from Richard Chizmar, publisher of Cemetery Dance, the magazine which had printed the Dziemianowicz review. Rich expressed concern that I might be angry with him for allowing the review to be printed. He’d noticed my statement, “I consider the publication of such reviews to be a personal attack on me by the publisher who provides a forum to these muggers.” We had a nice talk. He seemed like a fine gentleman and a really nice guy, so naturally I felt guilty about upsetting him. I assured him that I didn’t hold anything against him. We would later work together on numerous occasions and Rich has recently brought out the first and only hardbound edition of The Cellar.

In recent years, Stefan Dziemianowicz has been the editor (along with the wonderful Martin Greenberg) of several anthologies. As such, he has purchased some of my short stories.

I no longer bear any hard feelings toward him, and rather regret the nasty things I wrote about him in “The Lizzie Borden Syndrome.”

I also regret using the phrase “mean-spirited.” I have grown to hate those words because of certain unsavory political connotations. I couldn’t change them, however, without compromising the integrity of the article.

So I apologize to Stefan and I apologize for using such garbage language as “mean-spirited.”

I never received any sort of apology or explanation from Fangoria. Not that I expected anything of the sort. But I’d been a major fan of Fangoria (and own some extremely valuable back issues). Before the reviewer incidents took place, I’d had very good feelings about the magazine.

1. Fangoria had published a feature article about me, prepared by Stanley Wiater.

2. With my own money, I had purchased a full-page advertisement in Fangoria for The Woods Are Dark. (What a waste of money that was. Except that, in preparing the ad, I did gather some terrific quotes from such writers as Dean Koontz, Dan Marlowe, Al Nussbaum, and Gary Brandner.)

3. I had written Fangoria into my novel, Night Show. The magazine actually plays a significant role in the plot. This was my homage to Fangoria, and probably one of the few times that a periodical has ever played such an important part in a work of fiction.

So the publication in Fangoria of several reviews that trashed me and my novels was especially disappointing. I stopped buying the magazine.

Haven’t bought a copy in years.

I’m sure they couldn’t care less.

But I bet they won’t be thrilled to find out what I’ve written about them here.