A Yiddish Hamlet

III. THE EAST SIDE CAFE, NIGHT

It is the evening of Opening Night. Most of the persons present in the first scene are in the cafe, but there is no center of attention. Enter Pinchas tumultuously. Striding up and down, brandishing his cane in one hand and a poster in the other, Pinchas is nearly frothing at the mouth.

OSTROVSKY

(reading the poster)

"Itzek Goldberg proudly presents the Yiddish Hamlet, by the world renowned poet Melchitzedek Pinchas, with music by Ignatz Levitsky, the world famous composer. Starring Itzek Goldberg and the world acclaimed Fanny Goldberg."

(maliciously)

What seems to be the matter?

PINCHAS

The matter! The matter! World famous composer, indeed. Whoever heard of Ignatz Levitsky? And who wants his music? The tragedy of a thinker needs no caterwauling of violins. Does Goldwater imagine I have written a melodrama? At most I will permit an overture.

OSTROVSKY

Whoever heard of Melchitzedek Pinchas? World famous author. That's rich.

PINCHAS

(not hearing him)

The dogs. The liars.

WITBERG

(trying to placate him)

Perhaps a little well placed music would not hurt.

PINCHAS

They won't even let me attend rehearsals. Who can tell how they have mangled it? Such ghouls.

TUCH

After all, Goldberg knows his business.

VON MIESES

You shouldn't have tried to replace Fanny. Goldberg is very proud of his wife's talent.

PINCHAS

He has reason. She has so little, every bit is precious.

OSTROVSKY

(rubbing it in)

Where are our tickets? You promised us all box seats.

PINCHAS

They didn't send me any. Liars. Murderers. Slayers of poets. They fear I fire Ophelia.

OSTROVSKY

(relishing his rival's predicament, especially as he has suffered the same fate himself)

Surely you are going to attend?

PINCHAS

(dejected)

The box office is sold out.

OSTROVSKY

Well, that's a good sign.

PINCHAS

I don't believe them. It's a conspiracy to keep me out. But they won't succeed.

TUCH

What will you do?

PINCHAS

(raving)

I'll do something if I have to fire the theatre.

OSTROVSKY

Why don't you call Goldwater on the phone?

PINCHAS

That's an excellent idea. Will I give him a piece of my mind. Witberg, a dime.

(Taking a dime from Witberg, he strides to the phone, followed by

the whole cafe, eager to hear some precious witticisms.)

OSTROVSKY

Be sure to disguise your voice.

(Pinchas dials and waits.)

TUCH

This will go down in history.

MIESES It may not be a good idea.

PINCHAS

(in a high pitched voice)

This is George Bernard Shaw, you Goldwater? May I speak to Goldwater, tell him the critic Bernard Shaw wants to congratulate him.

(to the crowd)

Goldwater's too dumb to know that Shaw doesn't speak Yiddish.

(in a high pitched voice)

Hello, Mr. Goldwater, is that you? It is.

(changing back to his natural voice)

Pigs! Pigs! Pigs! You and Kloot. I have cast my pearls before swine. May a sudden death smite you. May the curtain fall on you, you gibbering epileptic baboon. What do you mean you can't hear? Speak plainer? I will speak plainer, swineherd! Never again shall a work of mine defile itself in your dirty dollar factory. I spit on you. Phutt . . .

(spitting into the receiver)

Your father was a Meshummad and your mother . . . Don't hang up, I'm not finished. . . . And your mother, an Irish fish wife.

(turning from the phone)

He hung up. Coward. I had a lot more to say. That was worth ten cents.

(He hangs up the phone and walks to a table with great satisfaction.)

OSTROVSKY

I'll say this for him. He's got shtick. The happiest day in my life would be to say half of what he just said to Goldwater.

(Enter Heathen Journalist.)

HEATHEN JOURNALIST

Congratulations Pin'cuss. Your play's a great success.

PINCHAS

Ehh?

HEATHEN JOURNALIST

I had to leave early; got a deadline to meet. Nearly eleven and only two acts finished. You'll have to brisk 'em up a bit.

PINCHAS

If I get my hands on Goldwater, I'll brisk him up. Never fear.

(uneasily)

How was the play?

HEATHEN JOURNALIST

Well, it's not quite what I expected from listening to you, or reading Shakespeare. All that cabaret music and those funny lines.

PINCHAS

Cabaret music! Funny lines! There wasn't a funny line in the whole play.

HEATHEN JOURNALIST

There is now. Mrs. Goldwater is stealing the show, she's a howling success.

PINCHAS

(ready to weep)

Howling success. I'll kill them. All of them.

HEATHEN JOURNALIST

Well, got to go. Congrats.

(The Heathen Journalist starts for the door, but suddenly Pinchas gives chase.)

PINCHAS

Still got your theatre ticket?

HEATHEN JOURNALIST

What for?

PINCHAS

Give it to me. With that I can get in.

HEATHEN JOURNALIST

Sure, take it.

(He gives the ticket to Pinchas who rushes out, yelling, "Now, Goldwater".)

OSTROVSKY

(to the Journalist)

You may just have become an accessory to murder.

HEATHEN JOURNALIST

Hey, would that make a headline. 'Poet slays leading man.' I better go and see.

(he rushes out after Pinchas)

OSTROVSKY

What about your deadline?

HEATHEN JOURNALIST

It can wait.

(They all stare after Pinchas and the Journalist.)

BLACKOUT