A Yiddish Hamlet

V. THE CAFE, NIGHT

It is later that night. Pinchas is sitting by himself in the deserted cafe. The bartender is polishing his glasses. Pinchas is sitting at a table.

(Enter the Heathen Reporter.)

REPORTER

Congratulations on your great success.

PINCHAS

(turning away)

Do not mock me!

REPORTER

But your Hamlet is a great hit. It's a sensation.

PINCHAS

It's a disgrace; a travesty! Poetry lies bleeding.

REPORTER

Well, you European intellectuals certainly take an odd view of things. I never laughed so hard in my life.

PINCHAS

You were not supposed to laugh. The play is a tragedy!

REPORTER

Maybe so, but I'd like to have a nickel for every ticket dollar that play will make.

PINCHAS

Bah! You're crazy. I'm going to stop them, no matter what. In the morning I will see Mendelsohn, the lawyer, and withdraw the right to produce my play.

(Enter Kloot.)

PINCHAS

You!

(rises and raises his cane)

Man of the Earth! Swindler! Enemy of Poetry!

KLOOT

Now you just hold on, there Pinchas--I've been looking for you all over the place.

PINCHAS

What do you want?

KLOOT

I came to give you your share of the box office.

PINCHAS

I don't want it.

KLOOT

The play's a hit. It will run for years. It's the greatest thing since sliced bread. You're a hero Pinchas! You're famous.

PINCHAS

I'm a laughingstock. And because of you.

KLOOT

Now, that's what I want to talk to you about. You've got to do that thing again.

PINCHAS

What thing? What are you talking about?

KLOOT

You've got to run on stage and fight with everybody. Just like you did tonight. That was the showstopper.

PINCHAS

Are you mad?

KLOOT

Crazy like a fox, my boy. People almost pissed their pants.

PINCHAS

I will do no such thing!

KLOOT

That's O.K. we can have an actor playing you do it.

PINCHAS

I will not allow it! This whole travesty will stop tomorrow. I am going to Mendelsohn and he will put an end to this murder of art.

KLOOT

Say now Pinchas, don't kill the goose that laid the golden egg.

PINCHAS

It will stop, I say.

KLOOT

Look here, Pinchas, here's $163.25-

PINCHAS

(turning)

I don't take bribes!

KLOOT

Bribes! Hain't no bribe. It's the author's share of the box office.

PINCHAS

For one night?

KLOOT

That's right. And, this play of yours, with a little help from yours truly, is likely to run a thousand and one nights as the saying goes.

PINCHAS

(musing)

A hundred and sixty-three dollars!

KLOOT

And twenty-five cents.

PINCHAS

It's more than I made in the last year.

KLOOT

And there's more where that come from. You are already being hailed as the comic genius from Warsaw.

PINCHAS

(unbelieving but flattered)

I am?

KLOOT

Damned right. What I want, what Goldwater wants, is another tragedy from you. He's ready to pay $200.00 in advance.

PINCHAS

Two hundred dollars!

(controlling himself)

No-I will not do it! I will not debase my art for any amount of money.

KLOOT

But . . .

REPORTER

But Mr. Pinchas, you're throwing away the opportunity of a lifetime. Not only will you get rich, but your fame, as the comic genius from Warsaw, will be jeopardized.

(Pinchas scowls. Putting his hands behind his back, he walks around in a circle considering--he waves his right hand muttering "On the one hand" then his left--"on the other hand" in considerable uncertainty. Finally, nodding to himself, he decides.)

PINCHAS

All right. But on one condition.

KLOOT

What's that?

PINCHAS

I will give you my Yiddish Caesar. I will let you butcher it to your heart's content. I will let you produce my Hamlet.

KLOOT

I'll treat it with the greatest respect. But what's your condition?

PINCHAS

My condition is that you don't try to stop me when I run on stage and beat Goldwater to death!

KLOOT

(thinking hard)

Well, you've got a deal.

(winking at the audience)

PINCHAS

Action is greater than thought.

KLOOT

(aside)

What do I care what happens to Goldwater?

CURTAIN