A Yiddish Hamlet

IV. GOLDWATER'S JEWISH THEATRE, DAY

We are at a slightly different perspective. We can see the stage in the background, looking from the wings. Hamlet is with his Mother.

QUEEN

"I made you some nice food. You should eat something. You never eat, that's why you have these morbid ideas."

HAMLET

"I must meet this spectre on the ramparts."

QUEEN

"You should look out for the ghost. I don't want you getting hurt. Besides it's very damp tonight. If you must go, you should wear your galoshes."

(Hamlet/Goldwater exits to where Kloot is standing in the wings, observing.)

QUEEN

"That kid never listened to his mother. Never."

(Loud applause, whistles, etc.)

GOLDWATER

They're loving it Kloot. They're swallowing it like ice cream soda.

(The Hamlet play continues in mime. We cannot hear what they are saying but the audience in Goldwater's theatre can, and they titter, roar, and laugh. Ophelia enters, a buxom, comical woman and pirouettes to applause. She carries a Palm Branch and shakes it to every point in the compass. Thunderous applause.)

GOLDWATER

This Pinchas is a genius after all.

KLOOT

We got our money's worth.

GOLDWATER

Next I'm going to commission Pinchas to adapt MacBeth. Don't you think Fanny would make a fantastic Lady MacBeth?

KLOOT

I see her more as Desdemona.

GOLDWATER

A genius. That's what you are. A genius.

KLOOT

(modestly)

I know it.

(Pinchas is seen stealthily approaching along the wall.)

KLOOT

That's your cue.

(Goldwater returns to greet the ghost, a figure in a white sheet that cakewalks across the stage. Pinchas tries to bound onto the stage shouting "Villains" but Kloot has seen him and collars him in an iron grip.)

KLOOT

(unruffled)

You don't take your call yet.

PINCHAS

(in a fury)

Let me go. I must speak to the people. They think me, Melchitzedek Pinchas, guilty of this drek. My star will set. I'll be laughed at from the Hudson to the Jordan.

(struggling)

KLOOT

(impudently)

Hush, hush, you're interrupting the poesy.

PINCHAS

Who has drawn and quartered my play? Speak.

KLOOT

I've only arranged it for the stage.

PINCHAS

(flabbergasted)

You!

KLOOT

(with great assurance)

You said you and I are the only two men who understand how to treat poesy.

PINCHAS

You understand drek not poesy. You conspire to keep me out of the theatre. . . . I will summons you.

KLOOT

(imperturbably)

We had to keep all the authors out. Suppose Shakespeare had complained of you?

PINCHAS

(modestly)

Shakespeare would have been only too grateful.

KLOOT

Hush, the boss is on.

POLONIUS "He's coming. Now give it to him good."

QUEEN

"Will I ever?"

HAMLET

"Mother, mother, mother."

QUEEN

"Leave it to me."

POLONIUS "I'll hide behind the curtain."

HAMLET

"Something wrong, Mom?"

QUEEN

"Hamlet, thou hast thy father much offended."

HAMLET

"Mother, you have my father much offended."

QUEEN

"Don't get fresh with your mother."

HAMLET

"Will you ever stop nagging?"

QUEEN

"Nagging. Now let me tell you . . . "

HAMLET

"I'm in no mood for fooling. You're going to listen."

QUEEN

"Let me go."

HAMLET

"Sit down. You shall not budge."

QUEEN

"Is this the way to treat your mother? I should die I have a son like this. Murder. Help. Help."

(Polonius stirs behind the curtain.)

HAMLET

"How, now, a rat?"

(Hamlet pulls his sword and runs Polonius through.)

POLONIUS

"Oi Vay!"

PINCHAS

(thunderstruck)

OI VAY!

(Pinchas makes a wild lunge, and is barely restrained by Kloot.)

KLOOT

Who's mutilating the poesy now? You'll spoil the scene.

PINCHAS

Liar, murderer. Word butcher. You promised me your wife as Ophelia.

KLOOT

Sure. The first wife I get, you shall have.

(Pinchas gnashes his teeth.)

KLOOT

I think you owe me a carfare.

PINCHAS

(icily)

Why is there singing in Hamlet?

KLOOT

Because it's Passover. You're a greenhorn. In New York it's a tradition to have musical plays on Passover. We only took your play as a Passover play.

PINCHAS

But Hamlet is not a musical play.

KLOOT

Yes it is. What about Ophelia's songs? That was what decided us. It only needed a little touching up by an experienced theatre person such as myself.

PINCHAS

But Hamlet is a tragedy!

KLOOT

Sure! They all die at the end. Our audiences are very compassionate. They'd be miserable if they didn't all die. Wait till they're dead, then you shall take your bow.

PINCHAS

Take my bow for your play!

KLOOT

There's quite a lot of your lines left, if you listen carefully. Only you're a poet and you don't understand stage technique. The idea was yours and was worth every cent we paid for it. Really, you're a genius.

(A storm of applause from the audience. The ghost cakewalks on stage and is confronted by Hamlet in mime.)

QUEEN

"I will not speak with her."

HORATIO

"Ophelia has gone meshugenah."

QUEEN

"Let her in."

OPHELIA

(tripping in)

I'm meshugenah,

Da, da, da,

I'm meshugenah,

Da, da, da,

Daddy's dead,

I'm out of my head. . . .

(Ophelia's song is accompanied by incongruous music. The play continues in mime. Pinchas continues to struggle with Kloot.)

QUEEN

(to Hamlet)

"That Ophelia's a pain. I always told you you'd have trouble with shikses."

(The play continues in mime, to roars of approval.)

HAMLET

(with a skull)

"Oi Vay. Poor Yorick, I knew him well, Horatio. A real joker. An unemployed comedian. . . .

(Finally Pinchas escapes from Kloot and runs on stage brandishing his cane.)

PINCHAS

Cutter of lines.

(whacking Hamlet with his cane)

Perverter of poesy.

(whacking Hamlet again)

(The audience loves it; cheers as Hamlet runs off.)

PINCHAS

Good people. I am the world famous poet, Melchitzedek Pinchas. This is not my play. This is not Shakespeare. This is drek! Drek!

(Kloot and other members of the cast drag off Pinchas.)

BLACKOUT