Adrian Mole: Diary of a Provincial Man

An Englishman's home…

Thursday, April 26, Ashby-de-la-Zouch, 10.30pm

Thank God Phoenix has been reprieved. William cried himself to sleep last night, and Glenn spoke darkly about travelling to Membury in Devon and joining the junior wing of a militant vegetarian splinter group called Sprouts, who were planning to resist evil MAFF, the calf murderers. His motives were not entirely altruistic. He has been bewitched by Joanna Lumley since seeing her pleading so eloquently for the calf's life on TV. This is worrying: Ms Lumley is enchanting, but she is old enough to be his grandmother.

Saturday, April 28

I went to the garage for milk early this morning, and was alarmed to find Mohammad being given oxygen by two paramedics. He had been overcome by the fumes emanating from a pile of the restyled Guardian Weekend magazines. I stayed until he had recovered enough to gasp, "This allergy could be the end of my career as a forecourt newsagent, Moley."

This afternoon, William ran home from the grotty recreation ground in tears, after a big white kid called him a «mongrel». I reminded him that he had in his veins the blood of a Nigerian aristocrat, a Norfolk potato farmer, a Scottish engine driver, a Welsh witch and that, by virtue of being born in this country, and as defined by the OED, he was as English as John Townend. The kid refused to be comforted, until he was invited by Glenn to watch a video of Joanna Lumley in her role as Purdey in The New Avengers.

Sunday, April 29

Filling in the census form took longer than expected. I agonised over the work-related questions. Eventually, I ticked the «Yes» box, and admitted that I had worked for three hours on my novel, Krog From Gork.

William didn't seem to belong to any ethnic group. I rang the helpline and spoke to a bloke called Len Cook. He seemed irritated by my explanation of William's various bloodlines. In the end, I settled for box B — Mixed other, and wrote British/Black African.

Glenn hovered over the religious question, but eventually declared himself to be a Buddhist after I had given him a breakdown of the world's other great religions. He liked the fact that Buddhists shaved their heads and were careful not to tread on ants.