Adrian Mole: Diary of a Provincial Man

Last among unequals

Thursday, July 19, Ashby-de-la-Zouch

I attended William's school sports day today. The school field was sold off to Nolite Warehouse Ltd in February, so the races took place in a roped-off section of its new car park. I was just about to climb into my dustbin liner bag for the single parents' sack race, when the headmaster announced over the Tannoy that the jury had returned and that Jeffrey Archer had been sent to jail for four years. Spontaneous cheering broke out from the assembled company, the workmen on the scaffolding of the windowless warehouse broke into song with "You'll never walk alone", passing cars sounded their hooters and a light aircraft flying overhead did a figure of eight in the summer sky. The headmaster announced that there would be a five-minute delay for competitors to compose themselves. Archer has succeeded in bringing the country together in joy. After Henman, the Lions and England's dropped catches, we needed a glorious victory.

I came last. William would not look me in the eye when I finally passed the finish line. The winner was Trixie Woodhead, who I know for a fact is drawing disability living allowance.

Saturday, July 21

My parents have been to see me to give me an «update» on what my mother called "the ongoing situation regarding our marriage". They held hands across the kitchen table and my father said sheepishly, "We can't live with each other, but we can't live without each other, son."

William, who had been listening, said with the brutal candour of the child, "You'll both have to die then."

I advised them to try self-discipline. (They are both still married to other people, namely Pandora's parents.) My father whined, "We were both teenagers in the 60s, so haven't got any self-discipline." As they were leaving, I told my mother that blue jeans should never be worn with creases, or wrinkles.

Monday, July 23, 1pm

Pandora has invited me to a "shepherd's pie and Krug party" this evening. It is not clear what we will be celebrating.

Midnight

Nobody told me that Pandora's guests were meant to wear Mary and Jeffrey fancy dress. Personally, I found the sight of so many Mary Archer lookalikes slightly disturbing. I like a bit of animation in my women.