Adrian Mole: Diary of a Provincial Man

She will remember

Sunday, November 11, Ashby-de-la-Zouch

As I was making my way to B&Q this morning with William, to buy spare bulbs for our Christmas tree lights, I passed a group of ancient men and women marching towards the war memorial. Some were carrying wreaths of poppies, others had medals pinned to their anoraks.

One old bloke, a double amputee, was being pushed in a wheelchair by his wizened wife. William asked in too loud a voice, "Where's that man's legs gone, dad?" I answered, "He left them in some corner of a foreign field, so that we English could be free men and women, son."

A Boys' Brigade band full of spotty youths began to play “Pack Up Your Troubles In Your Old Kitbag”. The old people tried to march in time to the music, but some of them were too slow to keep up. Tears pricked my eyes. I dashed them away as we entered the superstore. As we made our way through to the Christmas department, William asked me if I would have to go to war, to fight «Osmar» bin Laden. I told him that I was a pacifist and did not believe in war. William said, "But what if Mr Bin Laden came into my bedroom and was going to kill me. Would you let him, Dad?"

It was a tricky moral dilemma, which was not helped when my mother appeared from behind an artificial conifer, saying, "Yes, what would you do, Mr bleedin' pacifist?"

I stammered out that in the unlikely circumstance of the world's most wanted terrorist appearing in William's bedroom, then of course I would arm wrestle Bin Laden to the floor and keep him there until help arrived in the form of a Panda car from Ashby-de-la-Zouch police headquarters.

William seemed reassured and went off to watch a mechanical Santa ringing a bell. But my mother gave a nasty laugh and said, "The last time you were in an arm wrestling competition was in 1982, at the youth club table-top sports day. You were beaten 10 times out of 10 by Pandora Braithwaite. You were wearing that brown jumper that grandma knitted you for your birthday."

My mother's memory is phenomenal. She could go on stage as Pauline Mole, The Memory Woman.