Agatha H and the Voice of the Castle

CHAPTER 11

We then did as the Master commanded us, and when we were finished, lights, like fireflies, began to gleam in the darkness. P’raps it be but fancy, but I did feel as if a Great Presence, invisible and malevolent, was being slowly roused from a deep slumber, and was looking about like a man roused from a wine-induced sleep.

A most terrible noyse did fill the chamber, and Master Faustus did laugh in glee. “The power of speech is not learned instantly! Try thou again,” he demanded.

There followed a most unpleasant span of tyme, but shortly enough, the howls and squeals did slowly transmute themselves unto the very semblance of speech. Horrid and blasphemous though ’twas, I could now understand its words.

“Who…am I?” The horrible voice asked.

This simple question did please the Master right well, more than anything I have ever witnessed in all my time under his hand.

“Didst thou hear that, von Mekkhan? No mere mechanism of rote calculation this! It asks a question! It hath a thirst for knowledge! I proclaim it a thing alive!”

Master Faustus then spun about and spake proudly, “Thou art…Castle Heterodyne.”

—From the Private Journals of the von Mekkhan Family

Agatha was hovering in mid-air. Her hair was billowing straight up, as if caught in some terribly powerful slow gale.

Around her floated a galaxy of small devices and bits of machinery that were assembling themselves into a cohesive ring. Connectors snapped together and cables coiled lazily towards a belt of sockets that encircled Agatha’s waist. Whenever one slid into place, a new segment of the ring glowed to life. All of this was happening without Agatha moving a muscle. A look of knowing bliss filled her face, and her skin glowed with radiant energy.

Because he was shackled to a lab table, Tarvek was unable to do the sensible thing—the thing that his brain was screaming for him to do—which was drop to his knees and await the thunderbolt. He fought to regain self-control.

“Agatha,” he ventured. “Are…are you all right?”

To the side, the angel clank stared upwards. “You know-ow-ow, I don’t-can’t remember that any of her ancestors ever did-id this…”

Higgs shifted his pipe from one side of his mouth to the other. “Sure they did. Remember old Igneous? Just before he exploded?”

The clank nodded. “Ah, yes. My, h-h-ow time does fly.”

Agatha turned her glowing eyes to Tarvek and regarded him for a long minute. Then she threw her head back and laughed. Tarvek made remarkable strides towards tearing his straps free from the metal table.

“Oh, yessss! I am far more than all right!” Agatha said, “I am perfect!” She glided toward Tarvek, radiating heat that he could feel from almost a meter away.

“I feel…suspended in an eternal moment of supreme clarity. I can do anything!”

Wires and cables on the devices circling Agatha began to click into place—attaching them to the machines hooked up to Gil and Tarvek. Now Agatha herself was part of the array.

Sleipnir had been watching all of this with awe, but when Agatha connected to the main array, readouts began to glow red all over the board of monitors she crouched behind. Sleipnir gasped. She had worked in enough laboratories that she was able to, with effort, tear her attention from Agatha and shut out everything but the job in front of her.

“I have so many ideas,” Agatha continued dreamily, “So much I want to try! It’s all so exciting!” She stared into space, pure mad delight on her features. Then her expression changed. “And yet, it really isn’t perfect, is it? Not yet.” She stared back down at Gil and Tarvek.

Gil’s eyelids fluttered, and he seemed to notice Agatha for the first time.

His eyes went wide as she continued, “There are still these distractions that shatter the perfect euphoria.” A bleak tone had crept into Agatha’s voice. A coldness evocative of vast spaces between the stars. “All this concern because of the imbalances within these chaotic, biological organisms. It would be so much simpler to just snuff them out.”

Tarvek stared breathlessly up at her. She was beautiful. Shining. He wondered if he would feel his own death.

Agatha hung before them and a thousand years seemed to pass before her head lowered, and the golden light in her eyes seemed to dim slightly. “But if I let you die,” she said to them, her voice dropping to a whisper, “If you die…then all the rest…the rest is pointless.”

She looked up again and the golden light in her eyes flared. “So that will not happen!” As she spoke, a pair of cables unwound from the nest encircling her. They looped once and snapped solidly into the devices strapped to Gil and Tarvek’s chests. The last connection was complete, and an explosion of blue light filled the room, knocking everyone to the ground.

Several minutes passed and Violetta’s eyes flickered open. “Nrg,” she grunted.

“Yeah,” Sleipnir muttered from beside her. “Tell me about it.”

“Wha’ happn’?”

“I dunno, but if she starts calling us pitiful insects, run.”

Violetta considered this. “That’ll help?”

“No, not really.” Sleipnir was getting to her knees. Ruined machinery was sparking around them and smoke was everywhere.

Violetta shakily raised herself up on one arm. “Oh…” she whimpered. “If we feel like this, then Lady Heterodyne—”

Sleipnir rolled onto her back. “And Gil! And Prince Sturmvoraus! They were right there next to her!”

A tear trickled from Violetta’s eye. “They must be—”

“Perfectly splendid,” Tarvek sang from behind her. He turned and called behind him. “Agatha! Gil! I’ve found the last of them! They’re fine!”

Violetta stared. “Tarvek! Aren’t you dead?”

Tarvek laughed. “Ha! Of course not!” He practically radiated good heath and animal vigor. He picked both Sleipnir and Violetta off the floor, tucked them under his arms, and bounded back to the wreckage of the array, leaping over piles of half-melted machinery with the grace of a gazelle. “Agatha has fixed everything! I feel amazing! My mind has never been more clear!”

The clank angel was propped up against a shattered wall. It stared at Agatha as she stripped off the last remnants of carbonized machinery, brushed herself off, and began to dress.

“Inge-ge-genious.” The clank conceded, “to distribute the ex-ex-extra energy between the three of you.”

“Yes, and a good thing I did, too! Another forty-five point three seconds and I believe I would have exploded or something!” Agatha’s voice was still resonant with the Spark, but she was no longer floating, or even glowing. Her eyes had returned to normal, only shining with pride and excitement.

“…Or something.” The clank continued to stare at her. “Under the cir-cir-circumstances, I am forced to admit that you are most-most likely one-one-one of the family.”

Agatha stooped to examine a melted bit of circuitry and giggled. “I have got to try that again.”

“Yesss. Most likely in-in-indeed.”

Zeetha was lounging on one of the slabs watching Gil and Tarvek as they dressed. She was amusing herself by wondering when they would notice her close observation. Both were clearly so thrilled at the success of the procedure that they were happily missing every innuendo in her constant stream of suggestions, comparisons, and helpful advice. Finally, she gave up and asked a cogent question. “So you’re all cured now?”

“Oh, yes!” Gil said, lighting up at the question. “Cured, stabilized, and feeling quite fine!” He bounced up and down on the balls of his feet, grinning. “I imagine this must be what a post-revivification rush feels like.”

“Well, speaking from personal experience, it is quite similar.” Tarvek beamed at the coat that Violetta had flung at him, a long, canvas worker’s coat that reeked of mildew. It had obviously been abandoned for quite some time. “But more sustainable, I think.”

Gil meticulously straightened his waistcoat and turned to face Tarvek. “Ah, Sturmvarous,” he said grandly. “I see that you’ve recovered! How refreshing to hear you doing something other than whining or raving. A bit of a first, now that I think about it.”

Tarvek absentmindedly flicked a bit of burnt metal off his coat and squarely onto Gil’s shirt. “Ah, Wulfenbach. I must apologize,” he said in his most courtly manner. “I imagine when you discovered that your magnificent selfless gesture would actually inconvenience you for more then fifteen minutes—well, it must have been quite vexing. So sorry for the trouble.”

The two men stood eye-to-eye for several heartbeats, smiling beatifically.

Then, simultaneously, they lunged for each other’s throats, snarling.

Zeetha blinked, then looked around. “Agatha! You’re missing the show!”

Agatha strode over, still operating a screwdriver within a half-finished device. Zeetha saw that it was another one of Agatha’s little clanks. “Don’t we have enough of those? …By which I mean too many?”

Agatha sighed. “It’s just an idea I had. What’s the problem?”

Zeetha indicated the two men rolling about on the ground, shouting. Each was clearly determined to beat the other into submission.

Agatha nodded. “Oh, dear. Understandable, though.”

Zeetha grinned and raised her thumb approvingly. “This girl’s ego? Back up to speed!”

Agatha rolled her eyes and blew a lock of hair from her face. “What I mean is that all three of us are still suffering from a huge build-up of raw energy. I can feel it, too. It’s pressing against the inside of my head, filling my entire body with this urge to do something! We need to burn it off, preferably with short sustained bursts of physical or mental activity.” She hefted the small clank. “I myself was getting through it by assembling a new device. But since I’m apparently not allowed to work in peace… I’ll just have to join in.” She tossed the device to Zeetha and leapt toward Gil and Tarvek feet first. “You two ought to be ashamed of yourselves!” she thundered. “You fight like ducks!”

Tarvek and Gil looked up in shock, but it was too late. Agatha landed several well-aimed blows that had Zeetha alternatively nodding in approval and wincing sympathetically. In self-defense, the two turned from each other and tackled Agatha, trying to dodge her blows and catch her at the same time. All three were alternately laughing madly and yelping in pain.

Agatha tackled Gil and brought him down hard on Tarvek. She fell on top of them and struggled for purchase, wrapping one arm around Gil’s neck and grabbing the short knot of hair at the back of Tarvek’s head.

She was trying to shove her knee in Gil’s back when a sudden wave of water drenched all three. The combatants froze in place, blinking.

“Wow. That worked. I feel better now!” Agatha gasped.

Gil rubbed water out of his eyes. “Yeah, me too.”

“Same here.” Tarvek agreed.

Von Zinzer lowered his bucket.

“Um…good job,” Zeetha said.

Von Zinzer sniffed disapprovingly. “If that hadn’t worked, I’d have started hitting them with the bucket.”

Wet and dripping, Agatha, Gil and Tarvek stared at each other.

“But…it actually worked,” Agatha said. “We really did it. Wow.”

They threw their arms around each other and shouted with triumph.

“Yes! Amazing! A successful triple Si Vales Valeo shutdown!” Tarvek gave Gil a squeeze around the shoulders. “That was brilliant!”

“Yeah!” Agatha said. “And no one’s a ravening monster or anything!”

“Ooh! Ooh!” Gil said. “You know what we should try next? Let’s hook everyone up to a larger array, and—”

Another bucket of water hit them. Von Zinzer glared at them. “Well?”

Agatha held up a sodden hand. “I said we’re better!” she protested.

Violetta stared in naked admiration at von Zinzer. Then she glanced sideways to see her expression mirrored on Snaug’s face. The woman looked ridiculous. Violetta shook herself and scowled.

Von Zinzer noticed none of this. “Think they’ll stay focused now?” he asked Zeetha.

“…Get another bucket,” she told him.

Agatha was back in control. “Okay, okay, that was great!” she grinned. “But work now, fun later. I’ve still got the Castle to sort out, and the town to defend.”

She hurried to the angel clank, which tipped its head to one side. “You-you-you—ah—” it muttered. A grinding noise began to rise, and a gout of steam blasted from one side of its head. The clank continued slowly tipping until it crashed to one side.

Agatha gave a shout of fear and fell to her knees at its side. “My Castle!” She tried to raise it in her arms, but it was too heavy.

“I-I-I malfun-fun-function…I-I—” the clank stammered.

“No, no, no, no! No malfunctioning!” Agatha cried. “I have plans for you!”

Gil looked interested. “Nice clank. How’d it get so messed up?”

“How indeed?” Zeetha eyed Higgs curiously.

Higgs looked unperturbed. “Hmmm. Sprocket weevils?”

Snaug nudged the clank with her foot. “What’s the big deal?” she asked.

Tarvek was angry. “Well, aside from the fact that the body is a Van Rijn, and therefore priceless, it’s apparently being run by the last operational part of Castle Heterodyne.”

Snaug squealed and leapt back like she’d seen a snake. Then she thought a moment. “Wait, didn’t she want the Castle dead?”

“Only temporarily,” Agatha said. “There were so many fractured personalities working at cross-purposes, that I had already considered shutting it all down, if only to sort them all out. That’s why I saved all the parts for the Lion.” She stood up. “But I didn’t get a chance to test the idea before I had to do it.”

Gil looked serious. “So, you’re thinking we can still get the Castle running in time?” he asked Agatha.

She paced furiously. “Yes! We’ve got to! It’s the only way I can protect the town!”

She strode over to the hole in the floor and looked down. “Having this fragment could speed things up enough to save us, but not if it shuts down, too. She waved a hand at the depths. “Fortunately, I have a pretty good idea that there’s something down there I can use.”

Gil and Tarvek looked at her quizzically, but didn’t argue.

“Well, let’s go have a look, then,” said Gil.

Soon, a small party had crowded onto the platform and was descending farther down the shaft. Von Zinzer manned the controls, glancing up nervously. “I hope these cables hold,” he fretted.

Gil shone a lantern down into the darkness. “From the way the Castle was talking, I didn’t think there was anything below the Great Movement Chamber.”

Agatha nodded slowly. “I…I don’t think it knew.”

Von Zinzer looked astonished. “What? How could it not know? That thing knows everything!”

“Well,” Agatha said, “I’m not yet sure, but I suspect this is my mother’s secret laboratory.”

The angel clank flicked to life in Airman Higg’s arms. “That is-is cor-re-rect. It was hidden. A-a-a secret place beneath my-my very heart. The audacity…”

At that moment, the platform descended into a large cavern.

Von Zinzer kept his eyes on the cables, but asked. “But how did you know this was here?”

Agatha looked thoughtful, and checked the clasp on her locket. “I didn’t. Not exactly, but it just…made sense…”

In apparent reaction to the movement of the platform, lights began flickering on. They revealed a large natural cavern that had been extensively shaped. Banks of machinery lined the walls and collected in islands. Some were covered in dust cloths, others simply left exposed. Furniture lay scattered, tables were stacked with books. Tattered chairs, abandoned machinery, and mildew-covered rugs had been tossed about by some unknown agency long ago. Something violent had happened here. There was evidence of a fire that had burned and melted a huge collection of chemical apparatus. Machinery was tipped and shattered, and debris from a seismic-level event had left dust and shards from the ceiling scattered everywhere.

The more she saw, the more upset Agatha became until, with a gasp, she realized that the emotions she felt were not entirely her own. She took a sharp breath and tried to analyze the source of the distress, but even as she tried, the feelings began to recede.

Von Zinzer gasped and stopped the platform with a sudden jerk a half a meter above the ground. Everyone grabbed tight to the frame and glared at him. He pointed downward. “That looks weird.”

They looked down. A trail of what looked suspiciously like dried blood led away from the floor where the platform would settle. At the other end of the red smear was a crumpled form. Gil, Zeetha, Tarvek, and Violetta leapt from the platform and ran to examine it. Agatha and the rest followed.

As he reached its side, Gil reared back in shock. “It’s Madame Von Pinn!”

The fearsome construct stirred. Her eyes fluttered open. Her tongue licked delicately at her lips as she tried to speak. Gil and Tarvek knelt to look into her face. Tarvek fumbled in a bag and offered her a flask of water, from which she took a delicate sip.

“Madame Von Pinn,” Gil said firmly. “Don’t move!”

Von Pinn’s one good eye rolled towards him and she grimaced. “Master Wulfenbach,” she whispered in a voice like a wire brush dragged against stone. “What are you doing here?” She closed her eyes wearily, “Such a troublesome child.”

Tarvek grimaced as he completed his examination. “Gil, this looks really bad.”

Von Pinn stirred and glanced his way. “Ah. And Prince Sturmvarous. Of course…naughty children…always getting into trouble when you are together…getting into places you do not belong…”

Tarvek leaned in. “Just…Just hold on,” he said fiercely, “You are severely injured.”

Von Pinn’s lips twitched in a ghost of a smile. “Tsk. No, child, I am dying.” She closed her eye and sighed. “It feels very peculiar, and I do not like it.” Her voice grew faint. Her attention was wandering. “But then, I have not enjoyed any of this. I would just as soon be done with it. Still…to have failed…”

Airman Higgs joined them. He still carried the angel clank in his arms. At its command, he placed it near the dying construct’s head. “You-you-you will not cease!” it said fiercely. “The-the-these children will he-elp-help.”

Von Pinn groggily turned her head toward the clank. “Ah. You! You have returned.” Her eyes focused and she took in the full extent of the angel’s condition. Her eyes widened and she bared her sharp teeth. “But what have you done to my body?” she growled.

Gil and Tarvek had been holding an intense, whispered conversation. Finally, with the help of Higgs and Mezzasalma, they were able to gently lift the wounded construct and begin moving her toward a heavy table. Violetta darted ahead and began to sweep books and papers away to make room.

“What do you think you are doing?” Von Pinn hissed. “Foolish children.” She struggled weakly as she was laid down.

“Violetta!” Tarvek ordered, “Find the medical supplies! This place must have something!”

Violetta briefly considered arguing that he no longer got to boss her around, then thought better of it and ran to look.

Agatha merely stood by, watching in horror.

Von Zinzer also stood by, wondering at the activity. He turned to Krosp, who was fastidiously washing his paws in a small laboratory sink. “Uh…aren’t you supposed to lick yourself clean?”

Krosp rolled his eyes. “We’ve been walking across old, deserted lab floors in Castle Heterodyne. You wanna lick that?”

Von Zinzer scratched his beard. “You are a smart cat.” He glanced back at the bustling scientists. “Do you understand what’s going on?”

Krosp looked around and then dried his paws on von Zinzer’s shirt. “Yes. I think I do. It sounds like Lucrezia was big on swapping minds. The clank says it’s Castle Heterodyne. Fine. So Lucrezia stuffed some of the Castle into the angel clank body. Von Pinn’s outburst makes me think that she is probably the muse Otilia, stuffed into an organic construct body.”

Von Zinzer frowned. “But Castle Heterodyne had a mind.” He thought about this. “…Of sorts.”

“It had a patchwork collection of sub-minds. Why not one more piece, stuck in a smaller frame?”

“Why would Lucrezia do that?”

Krosp just looked at him with half-lidded green eyes.

Von Zinzer shrugged in embarrassment. “Yeah, okay. She was a Spark. I get that. But… She was living here. It was one of the things protecting her and her kid.”

Krosp considered this. “True, but remember who we’re talking about. I’ll bet being under the eye of an all-powerful intelligence she couldn’t control was driving her even more crazy than usual. I can see her deciding to see if she could catch a bit of the Castle and put it in a doll she controlled. She’d feel like she had some power over it.”

Von Zinzer nodded sagely. “That never works, you know.”

Krosp paused, looked around at the ruined laboratory. Then he glanced up towards the ceiling, and the rest of the Castle beyond it. “Yeah…and I’m beginning to wonder just how badly it didn’t work.”

With Gil and Tarvek ordering the others around, a surprisingly serviceable medical setup was soon built around the supine construct. Professor Mezzasalma finished carefully threading some tubes. Gil plucked them from his hands and spun them into place. Agatha and Violetta were slicing away Von Pinn’s thick leather outfit, while Tarvek followed closely behind, inserting catheters and assessing the damage revealed.

The professor stepped back and took a deep breath. He studied the two men for a moment. “You two seem… unusually agitated. You are familiar with this creature?”

Gil glared at him. The Spark rang in his voice. “This ‘creature’, as you call her, is the closest thing to a mother I have ever known.”

Tarvek nodded. “She’s the only caretaker I ever had who showed me love or kindness.”

“She never cared about our backgrounds.”

“She never played favorites.”

“Yes, she was strict…”

“She was terrifying.”

“But she knew the life we’d lead.”

“She made us strong.”

Gil gently placed a hand on her shoulder. “And now she is reduced to this!”

Tarvek placed his hand on her other shoulder. “Who could have done this?”

They met each other’s eyes. “Whoever they are, they will pay!” Gil growled.

“Yes!” Tarvek agreed fiercely. “Slowly and painfully!”

Agatha cleared her throat nervously. “For what it’s worth, she did kill my parents.”

An awkward silence filled the room. The two young men glanced at each other. Agatha continued. “I…can never forgive her for that, but…

“But if you can manage to hold off on the slow, painful vengeance, I will do what I can to help.”

Tarvek tentatively raised a finger. “Erm, are you sure it was her?”

This was too much for Agatha. “I watched her rip them to bits right in front of my eyes!” she screamed.

Tarvek turned to Gil, worried. “Okay, that’s all I’ve got. You got anything?”

Gil rubbed the back of his neck. “Hm…Maybe…”

“Go for it. Please.”

Gil took a deep breath. “Actually, I wanted to tell you at, I don’t know, a better time, but Punch and Judy? They’re still alive.”

Agatha was shocked. Then she glowered, and looked like she was going to punch him. “Impossible! Why would you say—”

“Not impossible,” Gil interrupted. “Just very, very difficult! After you escaped from Castle Wulfenbach, I had them in my lab within the hour, hooked up to oxygenated nutrients, and being prepped. I stitched them back together and the reanimation process was underway within a week.”

Agatha’s face was now filled with a look of wonder. Gil continued. “As far as I can determine, there’s almost no memory loss. They’re still recuperating, but—” All at once Gil found his arms full of Agatha. She was hugging him with almost bone-cracking force.

“Gil! You’re wonderful!” She kissed him and thanked him over and over again, still holding him tight.

Gil tried to enjoy the moment, but he could almost feel Tarvek glowering at him.

“Seriously? The old ‘bring her family back from the grave’ gambit?” Tarvek’s lip curled. “Have you no shame?” He turned away from Gil and Agatha, picked up a syringe, and got back to work, muttering bitterly to himself. “I mean, jeez, it’s such a cliché! The last time I saw it was in Feydeau’s ‘The Clockwork Pantalettes’! And the reviews for that were terrible!”⁹⁹

Violetta kicked him in the shins. “Are you listening to yourself?”

Gil tried to ignore Tarvek’s jealous rambling. “They’re stable now, but they’re back on Castle Wulfenbach. I’ve left orders for them to be transferred to the Great Hospital as soon as it’s possible.”

Agatha let go of Gil sat down abruptly. “I just…it’s amazing.” she said in a daze. “She tore them to shreds.” “The thing we should be asking,” Zeetha said grimly, “Is what will she do to you if she gets a chance?”

Agatha considered this. “She didn’t kill me,” she said slowly. “And she had the chance.” She looked at Gil and Tarvek. “She’s important to these two. I’ll help them now, and, well, try to talk to her later.”

“You may not get the chance.” Tarvek said. “She really is dying, and we don’t have a lot of options down here.”

The angel clank hissed in distress. “This-is-is must-must-must-must not-not-not-not happen!” Its eyes flared. “You can-can-can-can-could-will-will-will—must do this for us-us-us!”

Agatha knelt down beside the stricken device. “Shh. Take it slow.” she said in a soothing voice. “Now…do what? What can I do?”

Lights flashed again within the clank’s eyes. “The M-mu-muse Otilia was pried-torn from this vessel. She-it-she must be-be restored to it, and I—returned to my proper function-instrumentality.”

Agatha straightened up. “You want to return her to this mechanical body? How will that help? It’s dying, too.” “No-no-no. Not dying. Not alive. I am Castle Heterodyne. I am—was—am vast. This engine constrains me. I-I am too much for it. But re-re-restore its muse, and this clank can be salvaged. Re-repaired.”

It jerked its chin towards the mechanisms that littered the room. “This is where it was done. These are the machines. You-she can do this, and you must do it now!”

Agatha stared at the clank. Her jaw firmed and she nodded once. Then she stood and clapped her hands. “Let’s get to work!”

A while later, von Zinzer was peering closely at the inner workings of the control panel on the lift cage. He pushed aside a wire with the tip of his screwdriver and a fierce grin twisted his face. “Oh yeah,” he breathed. “There’s the problem.”

“Herr von Zinzer?”

Von Zinzer turned. “Ah, Fraulein Snaug.”

She smiled at him. Without Lucrezia actually giving her orders, she was able to operate as normally as she ever did.

However, Zeetha had hit her hard in the fight, and she now sported a prominent black eye. She held up a sausage and a pot of beer. “I brought you something to eat.” She indicated the crowd of Sparks at the other end of the room. “They’ll want to get going soon.”

Von Zinzer gratefully accepted the sausage and took a bite, which made him realize just how hungry he was. “Thanks,” he said sincerely. He then tapped the control panel. “Oh…I was just thinking about you.”

Snaug was surprised. “Oh! Really?”

“Sure. That trouble you had operating the lift?” He tapped the panel again. “Not your fault, see? Loose worm gear.”

Snaug blushed and giggled. “Thank goodness! I’d hate for you to think me clumsy.”

Von Zinzer waved a hand. “Oh, not at all. Clumsy people don’t last around here.” He looked at her again and frowned. “Hey. Let me look at that eye.”

The girl felt an unaccustomed wave of embarrassment sweep over her. “Oh! Don’t look…”

Von Zinzer gently took her jaw in his hand and tilted her head to examine her. She was struck by the change that had taken place in him. Snaug had been in the Castle for close to six months. She had seen von Zinzer arrive and had been unimpressed. As far as anyone could tell, he really shouldn’t even have been here at all. Everyone thought of the little mechanic as a hopeless screw-up who was still alive only because no new prisoners had lasted long enough to force him out of the kitchen. But now… now there was a calm surety to him that was almost unknown in this place. He nodded.

“Nice mouse,” he said with a smile. “But it doesn’t really suit you.” He turned and began to dig through a rucksack. He pulled out a small ceramic pot, opened it, and taking a finger full of the white paste inside, gently dabbed it on Snaug’s eyelid.

“I found this earlier. Up in what the Castle calls ‘the red playroom.’ Just dab that on every hour or so, and it’ll fix it right up.” He resealed the jar and handed it to her.

She took the jar and smiled. “You’re too kind. And, so…grounded.”

Von Zinzer looked at her blankly. “Grounded?”

Snaug waved a hand at Agatha and the others. “Able to work so well with Sparks without getting…you know…It’s a rare talent.”

Von Zinzer gave a snort. “No way. I’ve always been terrified around them.”

Snaug’s good eye was wide. “What? But the way you’re dealing with them is amazing. You stand up to them. You contradict them, and you’re still mammalian and everything.”

“Huh.” Von Zinzer considered this and scratched his beard. “You know? It has seemed…easier lately.” He found himself staring at Agatha. “Ever since she showed up and started dragging me around…”

Hexalena’s face cleared and she looked at von Zinzer with a new respect. “Oh, of course! Dr. Mittlemind says that some people are natural minions, and that their lives are…are all confused until they find their proper Master. And now you have.”

Across the room, even the Sparks flinched as von Zinzer’s scream reached them. They all swung around to see what had happened. From beside the huddled form, Fraulein Snaug waved at them cheerfully. “Just a small existential crisis,” she assured them.

Agatha frowned. “What in the world is Snaug doing to Von Zinzer?” she wondered.

Violetta slammed a tool onto the ground and then picked it back up and seeing that it was undamaged, slammed it down again even harder. “Like I care!” She frowned. Why did she care?

Meanwhile, Gil was talking to Professor Mezzasalma and Zeetha. “What we’re hoping to do is transfer the Castle mind out of the Muse body and into one of the Castle’s own subsystems. That will buy us the time we need to transport it to an area where we can restore its control of the main structure. Our best shot is to use that big watchdog clank at the top of the shaft.”

Mezzasalma frowned “Those clanks are enormous. We might be able to transport it down on the lift, but it would be much easier to take the Muse up.”

Gil shook his head with regret. “Don’t I know it. But all the machinery we need is down here, and there’s definitely too much of it to move.” He looked back to the damaged Muse. “Anyway, we don’t need the whole watchdog clank, which is good. Doctor Merlot shot it up pretty badly, if I remember. No, it’s all right if we can’t get it all down here. All we really need are the cognitive engines and a viable power source to run them.”

Mezzasalma nodded wearily. “The head is still large, and decoupling it will be tricky.” He straightened up and took a deep breath. “I’ll want all my tools then.”

Gil smiled. “Good man. It’ll still be quicker than building something from scratch.” He gazed upwards at the hole in the ceiling. “Now I don’t know what’s waiting up there, so we’ll take—”

Tarvek had come up beside Gil, and now he interrupted. “We’ll send Princess Zeetha, Mezzasalma, Snaug, Von Zinzer, and your man Higgs.”

Gil’s eyes narrowed. “Don’t be stupid. At least you or I should go.”

Tarvek shook his head. “No, we need you down here.” He then leaned in and whispered, “Besides, there’s something we need to discuss. In private.”

Gil leaned back and examined Tarvek’s face. He nodded slowly. “But it could be dangerous up there.”

Tarvek nodded. “That’s equally true everywhere in here. But that’s why I want to send—” He suddenly became aware of Airman Higgs standing silently, right behind his shoulder. “Princess Zeetha,” he said smoothly.

Zeetha grinned. “Ha! He is a smart guy!”

Higgs took a gentle pull on his pipe. “Sure is,” he agreed.

In a few minutes, most of the party once again stood on the platform. Just as it was about to rise, Agatha pulled a small metal ball out her apron pocket and tossed it up to Zeetha, who easily snapped it out of the air. It was the device Agatha had been working on earlier. “What’s this?”

“When you get to that fun-size clank up there—if you need any help, just wind that up and tell it what you need!”

The platform started upward. Zeetha looked at the ball dubiously and tucked it into a pocket.

Violetta looked at Agatha curiously. “What was that?”

Agatha shrugged. “Just a little something that’ll help them.” She considered this. “Probably.” She thought a little more. “Yeah…” She looked at Violetta and bit her lip. “Well, it won’t hurt them, anyway.”

The two women stared upwards. “Oh, gods. They’re doomed, aren’t they?” Violetta asked conversationally.

Agatha turned away. “Nonsense. They’re probably not ‘doomed’ per se…”

As Agatha and Violetta went back to work, Tarvek and Gil lagged behind, watching as the lift disappeared into the shadows above them. Finally, Gil cocked an eyebrow. “All right…So what are we discussing?”

Tarvek took a deep breath. “I’m the Storm King.”

Gil went still. “You’re what?”

Tarvek spoke quietly, urgently. “Agatha and Violetta already know. You need to know, too. Zola is too dangerous—”

Gil interrupted. “Hang on!” He was furious now. “This whole thing with Zola—this is your plan?”

Tarvek waved his hands and addressed the ceiling. “This! Was! Not! My! Plan!” he shouted, exasperated. “My plan was a gem-like thing of perfect beauty!”

“What are you shouting at?” Agatha asked, as she and Violetta joined them.

She never got an answer. A glass sphere suddenly smashed at their feet. A dense cloud of yellow smoke arose, and, with a sigh, she, Violetta, Gil, and Tarvek all collapsed to the ground.

Zola, a gasmask pulled up over her features, stepped out from the shadows. She pulled a small device from a pocket and wound it up. As it ticked, she examined the people lying before her. “Oh, Gil,” she said affectionately, “what am I going to do with you? I do hope you don’t go all stubborn and force me to kill you. I have such lovely plans for you. More now than ever!”

She then turned and shook her head. “Ha. And Prince Tarvek Sturmvarous. You’re still a sentimental fool. Well, we can soon fix that. You’ll be a model Storm King when I’m through with you.”

Another turn and a smile flitted across her face. “Oh dear, and here’s little Violetta. Always the best…at losing. Some things just never change.”

Finally she turned to Agatha. The look on her face was now serious. She shook her head. “And Agatha Heterodyne. Unbelievable. Just by existing you almost spoiled everything.” She nudged Agatha with her boot. “Still…you may be of use to me yet.” The ticking device in her hand chimed and Zola began to remove her gas mask, and pivoted smoothly in time to avoid Violetta’s rush from behind. She gave a delighted laugh.

“Oh! You shook that off quickly. Very good! Very textbook!” She continued to move and her boot caught the seat of Violetta’s pants, sending her crashing to the floor. “And here I was convinced you only passed your examinations because of your family connections!” A graceful flip put her into position to smack her boot brutally into Violetta’s ribs. “But you really should have put more effort into your combat training.” Another kick. “You know, like I did!”

She wound up standing over Agatha, who was still out cold. Violetta raised a hand feebly. “Don’t kill her,” she wheezed. “She’s my…”

Zola looked shocked. “Ooh, you horrid little traitor! She has ruined everything the Order—” she glanced at Tarvek, “and your family has worked so hard for all these years.” She swept in and studied Violetta’s face as the girl struggled to rise. “And yet you’re defending her. Fascinating.” She straightened up. “It’s well known that Sparks can ensure the loyalty of the feeble-minded.” Violetta tensed and Zola punched her in the throat, sending her back to the ground, gasping.

“But don’t you worry, I won’t kill her just yet. I was chosen for this role because I am very good at improvising when things go wrong!” She looked around and sighed dramatically. “So really, I’m in my element right now, wouldn’t you say?” She shrugged philosophically. “There have always been aspects of this operation that were less than ideal in my family’s opinion.” She tapped her jaw thoughtfully. “But I’m beginning to think that I can fix that…”

Violetta roused herself. “Your family? Who—”

With a graceful pirouette, Zola slammed her boot into the side of Violetta’s head, knocking her unconscious. “Ho ho,” she chided. “Wouldn’t you like to know?”

After making sure that the girl was in fact out, Zola turned towards Agatha. She giggled. “I don’t know why I bother talking to that girl. But it’s true, I can turn the very worst situations to my advantage, and this one does have such potential.” She pulled a small ampoule from a pouch. She snapped the vial and waved it under Agatha’s nose. “Wakey, wakey, cheri,” she sang cheerfully.

Agatha started and her eyes fluttered open. “Mwa?” She saw Zola and gasped as Zola deftly plucked the trilobite amulet from around her throat.

“NO!” Agatha screamed. “DON’T!” She clutched at her head.

With a cry of triumph, Lucrezia roared forth. Then she looked around her, and blinked in surprise. She stared at Zola. “Oh! My goodness. Who—?”

Zola looked down at her and smiled. “Hello, Auntie Lucrezia, I’m here to help you.”

TO BE CONTINUED IN VOLUME 4:

Agatha H and the Siege of Mechanicsburg

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⁹⁹ Georges Feydeau was a French playwright who specialized in comedic farce. His plays are known for their witty and complex plots, usually involving misunderstandings and bizarre coincidences. While not a Spark himself, he found much material in portraying their lives, which tended to be full of complexity, misunderstandings, and coincidences. Aptly, he was killed by an enraged lover, who mistook him for the clank duplicate that an appreciative Spark fan had constructed of him. The duplicate functioned for another two decades, and due to the increasingly erratic nature of its writings (caused by a lack of maintenance), became a key forerunner of Absurdist Theatre. His best known work remains A Flea in Her Gear.