Alfie the Doorstep Cat

Chapter Thirty

The following morning, after my usual rounds, I made my way to number 22 to go and play. I really wanted to relive the pleasure of being at the seaside with them; making the boys laugh, as I had yesterday. It made my heart swell that I could bring happiness into their lives.

I was about to try to get Franceska or Aleksy’s attention but I was stopped short by a noise. It was a strange noise I hadn’t heard before. A bit like the sound of a cat being strangled, but it was coming from Polly’s flat. Then I heard Henry screaming and more of the other noise. I was pretty sure the sound had to be coming from Polly.

I instinctively knew what I had to do. I scratched frantically and miaowed as loudly as I could before Franceska appeared at the front door.

‘Oh, Alfie, come in,’ she said, stepping aside, but I stood firm. She looked at me strangely. ‘What do you want?’ I walked next door and stood outside Polly’s, miaowing. Franceska tentatively moved towards me when suddenly the loud noise was emitted again – and this time, she heard it.

‘What is it?’ she asked, eyes wide in horror. ‘Oh God, it sounds like someone hurt.’ She put her door on the latch, shouted up to Aleksy that she would only be a minute, and then we both stood outside Polly’s door.

She rang the bell and hammered on the door. After what felt like ages, Polly opened it and handed Henry to Franceska.

‘Take him, please take him. I can’t bear it any more.’ Her beautiful porcelain skin was tear-stained, her hair wild, and she looked dreadful.

‘Polly,’ Franceska said, gently, as she took Henry into her arms. He immediately stopped crying.

‘No, take him. I can’t bear it any more. I can’t do it. I’m a terrible mum and I can’t even love my own baby.’ She collapsed onto the floor, put her head in her hands, and sobbed.

‘Polly,’ her voice was soft. ‘I have to go and feed Henry. He is hungry.’ She spoke slowly, the way people speak to animals and small children. Polly didn’t reply. ‘Here, I put your door on the latch, and I call Matt? You give me his number.’

‘No, you can’t. I can’t bear it. If Matt sees me like this, he’ll never forgive me. I won’t give you his number.’ She started wailing again. Franceska nipped into Polly’s flat and came back with Henry’s milk and some bottles. She picked up the bag that Polly always kept by the front door and took Henry back to her flat. But she looked terrified, as if she didn’t know what to do.

She phoned Thomasz while preparing Henry’s milk, but they spoke in Polish so I didn’t know what they were saying. Franceska sounded a little bit hysterical and I had never seen her look so anxious as she fed Henry, and tried to settle her two boys, who seemed to sense that something was wrong. I tried to play with Aleksy to distract him, but it was as if he was too worried to have fun.

A little while later, Thomasz arrived.

‘You must take her to doctor,’ he instructed, after she told him a bit more about Polly. ‘Now, it is emergency. I can stay here with boys. Is OK.’ He put his arms around her and gave her a reassuring hug.

‘What about work?’

‘We were quiet today, so it’s fine.’

‘I am glad your boss is also friend.’

‘He is fine. He understand that I work hard and that I wouldn’t leave if I didn’t have to.’

‘I hope so.’ Franceska issued instructions on what to do with the boys and Henry, who had fallen asleep and was cushioned on the sofa.

‘After the doctor, we call Matt.’

‘She begged me not to.’

‘But she needs him, she just isn’t right with her head. I think when we call him she will be pleased eventually.’

‘You have his number?’

‘Yes. Take her to doctor, and then when you come back we call him.’

I went with Franceska to Polly’s flat, where she opened the door. Polly hadn’t moved from the spot on the floor where she had collapsed earlier.

‘Polly?’ Franceska said softly.

‘Is Henry all right?’ she asked, without looking up.

‘He is very good. He is fed and sleeping. You, I take you to the doctor.’

‘I can’t go anywhere.’

‘We have to. You have baby who needs you but you are sick, and until we go to doctor then you won’t be fixed.’ Franceska sat down on the floor next to Polly and I sat next to her.

‘You think I’m ill?’ She looked at Franceska with her sad, beautiful eyes.

‘I think you have baby sadness. It is very common and I think that you have it.’ Polly looked up then at Franceska.

‘I can get help?’

‘Yes, you see doctor. He help you and then you get better and you enjoy your baby.’

‘Have you had this?’

‘For a while, with Aleksy. He was younger than Henry and I thought I didn’t love him but it was just the depression. I took the pills and I love him more than I ever thought I could.’

‘But Henry cries all the time. Sometimes I think the sound of him crying is going to make my brain bleed. And then I think I might die and sometimes, I even think that is a good thing.’

‘OK, but Henry cry, babies cry. If you are happier then he will be happier.’

‘I think he’d be better off with a mummy who deserves him.’ More tears sprang forth.

‘Polly, you are his mummy and you love him. You might not feel it now, but you do, and he loves you. With me I am the same. My mamma, she see something in me and she make me go to doctor like I am with you.’

‘My mum said something at the weekend. She said I wasn’t myself and she was worried. She thought that it was the move and Matt’s new job that had taken its toll on me. But I couldn’t tell her, I couldn’t say that I didn’t love my baby. What kind of monster does that make me?’

‘An ill person, not a monster. I know you love him, you do, you just can’t feel it because of the depression. Honestly, I understand. I felt similar when I got help. Lots of women do.’ Franceska put her arm around Polly, who sank into her.

‘Thank you so much. Do you know how much better that makes me feel, knowing I am not alone? But Matt—’

‘He will understand. He good man. But first we go to the doctor and we get you some help.’

I watched as Franceska got Polly to her feet and then directed her to get her shoes and bag, and they left. She spoke to Polly as if she was a child and her voice was soothing. I felt better as I followed them out. Franceska locked Polly’s front door behind us but hers was still on the latch, so I could freely go back to her flat.

I played with Aleksy, who seemed a bit happier, as he got toys out for us.

‘Mamma,’ Thomasz the little boy kept saying, and his father would give him a hug and biscuits. He, like Franceska, was quite calm and relaxed. He kept an eye on Henry, he tried to read stories to Thomasz, who was more interested in the television. At one point he fed the boys and he also gave me some fish. I wanted to stay with them and wait to see if Polly was going to be all right.

We seemed to be waiting a very long time. Even Thomasz became agitated. Henry woke up and Thomasz had to change his nappy. Then little Thomasz went into his cot for a sleep. Aleksy asked his dad many questions, but in Polish, so I couldn’t really understand what was being said.

More time passed. Thomasz looked worried, but he went to prepare the special milk for Henry. He was coping with the three boys as if he’d always had them. He was largely calm, unruffled and very efficient. I hadn’t really seen fathers looking after their children in this way before; in the cat world we don’t really do ‘hands on fathering’. But Thomasz was even calmer than Franceska, if that was possible. However, I could see that underneath it all he was worried. We all were. I rubbed myself against his leg for reassurance, which I felt he needed as much as the others.

It occurred to me that I had seen them all in bad places; some worse than others. Franceska’s homesickness, Claire’s heartbreak, Jonathan’s loneliness and Polly’s struggles with Henry and her new home.The phone rang, interrupting my thoughts, and Thomasz snatched it up. He spoke for a few moments in Polish. When he hung up, he looked serious, as he dialled another number.

‘Matt, it’s Thomasz from next door.’ There was a pause. ‘Henry is fine, he is with me, but Polly is not good. Franceska took her to the doctor.’ Another pause. ‘No, she come home now but she needs rest and someone needs to help with Henry.’ He looked agitated as Matt was clearly speaking. ‘Can you come now? I will explain but it is hard. But all will be OK.’

Matt arrived fairly quickly. He immediately picked up Henry, but he looked terrible; worried and pale.

‘I don’t know how to thank you,’ he said, as Thomasz went to make them tea.

‘Is nothing. Is what friends do. But Matt, is serious with Polly. My wife found her today, well, no, Alfie found her, and she was having some breakdown, Franceska said. So we look after Henry and they go to see the doctor. It has been a long time but they come back now.’

‘I’m so ashamed, I did this to her. Making her move when Henry was so young. I thought I was doing the right thing.’ He had tears in his eyes.

‘I know, because we did it too. My boys are a bit older but then the upheaval for them too is big. Matt, this isn’t a fault. It is an illness and it happens. Franceska had something similar after Aleksy was born and it was very worrying. But she got some help and now she loves being their mamma and is happy.’

Matt had his head in his hands.

‘I should have seen it coming. After that week at home she seemed so much better, and since she met Franceska she’s been happier, so I just put it down to the move. And yesterday … we all had such fun, so how could I miss it? What do I do? My job is crazy and we need it, we need the money.’ He looked as if he was going to cry.

‘Matt, Polly has mum who is good, yes?’

‘Yes, she’s great.’

‘She come stay here for a few days, just to help out while Polly starts to get better.’

‘That’s a good idea. I’ll call her now.’ He looked a bit happier at the thought. ‘We have a camp bed, a nice one, which we can put in Henry’s room. The flat is a bit small to have someone else in, though.’ He looked concerned.

‘It does not matter. At least Polly have someone to take care of her.’ Matt looked at Thomasz as if he had solved the problem. ‘It might take time. She has pills but they have to find time to work,’ Thomasz said cautiously.

‘Yes, but at least she’s got help. Oh thank you so much, and most of all, thank you, Alfie, I think you may have saved us.’ As Matt made a huge fuss of me, I preened myself; I was proud and happy. I was doing good wherever I went, it seemed, and this may have been my most important act yet. I didn’t dwell on the element of luck that had taken me to Polly’s place at the right time, not when I had so much praise being heaped on me.

I had learnt from my time on Edgar Road that things weren’t always simple. At first I had seemed to help Jonathan and Claire. But then, look at Claire now. I hadn’t made her better. I still needed to help her; she desperately needed it. But until I figured out how on earth I would do that, I had to stay close to Polly and the family. Aleksy was very clingy with me and I knew that although he probably didn’t understand fully what was going on, he could sense that something wasn’t right. So I let him cling to me a little too tightly.

‘You’re my best friend, Alfie,’ he said to me and I wanted to cry, the way humans did when they had their hearts touched. If what the men were saying was true, Polly still had a long way to go.

Franceska eventually arrived home, on her own.

‘Polly is sleeping. She has pills to sleep and the doctor told her to take it now, she needs a lot of rest after …’

‘After what?’ Matt asked, looking concerned.

‘Today she has a breakdown of sorts. She loves you and Henry but her head isn’t feeling good. The doctor has given her pills to help in the short term but she must go and see someone. Counsellor. And she needs to rest and not be alone with Henry. The pressure is too much.’

‘I’ve phoned her mum and she’s coming down tomorrow,’ Matt said. ‘And I’ve taken a couple of days off work. They know that Polly is ill and we don’t have family here.’

‘You have us,’ Franceska stated, simply.

‘Yes, and I don’t know what we would have done without you, thank you so much.’

‘No thanks needed. You must go and take care of your wife and son, but we are here if you need anything.’

‘I left so much to Polly, the least I can do now is to look after my son. Am I the worst father and husband ever?’

‘No, Matt, you are working hard, it isn’t easy to see. And Polly, she not want you to see her struggle, or have you worry, so it’s a bad circle.’

‘A vicious circle,’ Matt said.

‘Sorry?’

‘That’s how we say it, a vicious circle. Sorry, I didn’t mean to correct your English.’

‘No, is good. We need to learn. Look, I come with you and show you to feed Henry so he is OK. I feel I should tell you that the doctor give Polly something to stop her milk. She says the breastfeeding is making her worse. Henry is fine and he is eating food now so formula will be OK and it mean you can feed him too, and her mother. Polly needs rest a lot right now.’

‘I’ll see that she gets it. I still feel bad, like I buried my head in the sand and kept telling myself that it wasn’t that bad, that she would snap out of it.’

‘It’s hard, postnatal depression is real illness, but she will get better. Now she can start. You are a good man, Matt, and she love you very much.’

I felt a little uncertain as I left the flat with Franceska, Henry and Matt. But I wanted to be there for Matt. Even if he didn’t know it, it made me feel better to be by his side. So I stayed in the living room, quietly, as he fed Henry as per Franceska’s instructions, and then bathed him and eventually put him down to sleep. I sat with Matt on the sofa as he came into the living room and wept like a baby. After a while, he sat up straighter.

‘My falling apart won’t help anyone. Come on, Alfie, I’ll make us some dinner. I’m sure we have a can of tuna in the cupboard.’ It was the first time I had ever dined with them but I didn’t care about the food, I was just unsure that they should be left alone. I knew I couldn’t really do anything, but I also thought my presence might be a comfort.

A bit later, Matt went to check on Polly; I went with him. She opened her beautiful eyes and looked at him.

‘What time is it?’ she asked, sleepily.

‘It doesn’t matter. Henry’s asleep. According to the list Franceska left me, you can take another pill. You need to sleep.’ Polly tried to sit up.

‘Is he all right?’ she asked. Her eyes filled with tears.

‘Yes, he’s perfect. And I know that as soon as you start getting better, you’ll think that too.’

‘I feel like I’ve failed. I’m a terrible mum, a bad wife, and I just didn’t know how to stop feeling like that.’

Matt stroked her hair, gently. ‘Darling, I feel I’ve failed you both. I should have taken better care of you, seen that you weren’t yourself. I feel terrible too.’

‘There’s not going to be any point in us blaming ourselves or each other is there?’ she asked, her eyes widening. Matt shook his head. ‘Frankie said that. She said that we would do, but it wouldn’t help, so we must stop it. I’m going to try. The doctor was really lovely, it was a woman and she understood, or seemed to. I didn’t want to have to take anything but I know that I need the pills. I can and will get help. I’ll be fine and I’ll look after my baby; our baby. All I want is to be a good mother.’

‘Of course you will be, darling.’ Matt had tears swimming in his eyes. ‘And I’m going to be here every step of the way. I love you so much, please Pol, never forget that.’

‘I did forget but only because my head was so cloudy, but I know and I love you too.’ He hugged her very tightly and this was the most moving scene I had ever watched between humans.

‘Oh, and your mum is coming down. I’m sorry but we need her here, as I can’t take too much time off work. I wish I could.’

‘No, Matt, we both agreed about coming to live here for your promotion. You don’t need to feel guilty about that. And having Mum here, well, that’ll be such a relief.’ They sat in silence for a few minutes. I lay down on the floor, suddenly feeling fatigued by the day’s events; it had been so emotional. ‘It was like a big black hole inside me, that’s what it felt like. I wanted to take Henry somewhere and leave him. Just run away and be back to my old self. I love him, I know I do deep down, but I can’t feel it. I can’t feel the joy that mums talk about. It’s horrible, Matt, so horrible.’ She wept and he held her.

‘I can’t imagine what it must feel like, but I will support you whatever happens. But you need to talk to me. No matter how bad you feel, you have to tell me about it. I’m not going to leave you; I love you and I love our family. There is nothing you can do to change that.’

‘You don’t know how amazing it is for me to hear that. I wish I’d been a bit more honest with you. When I felt as if I was getting ill, not long after Henry’s birth, and even before we came here, I felt that I needed to hide it at all costs. But it nearly cost too much.’

‘Polly, I think you’re amazing and brave and I know we’ll get through this. It might take time but it doesn’t matter. We can do it.’

‘Can we go and see him? I don’t want to wake him, I just want to look at him. I need to.’ She burst into fresh tears.

‘Come on,’ Matt said, scooping her up in his arms as if she weighed as much as Henry. I was too sleepy to follow them through to the bedroom.

‘It looks as if Alfie is staying with us tonight,’ Matt said, as I felt myself drifting off.

‘He looks so cosy, don’t disturb him,’ I heard Polly say as I fell fast asleep.