All I Want for Christmas is a Vampire

CHAPTER 9

Ian ordered a Bleer and a Diet Coke from the bartender.

"Is Vanda here?" He handed Cora Lee a ten-dollar bill.

"Over there. Sounds like she's all riled up again."

Ian glanced toward the stage. The music had stopped, and the crowd of lady Vamps had gathered around to hear Vanda rail at a dancer.

"This isn't a whorehouse!" she yelled. "You're fired!"

"There goes another dancer." Cora Lee waved her arms in the air. "Woohoo, Vanda! Ian's here!"

The crowd turned in unison to stare at him.

"Is that Ian MacPhie?" one of the ladies asked.

"Sure is," Cora Lee shouted. "Come and git 'im!"

The crowd moved forward. Ian gulped.

Cora Lee giggled, then whispered, "Looks like your wish will come true now. You're sure to get laid tonight."

"Ian!" Pamela called. "I have two ladies who want to meet you." She motioned to the women accompanying her.

"We saw him first!" a lady in the crowd yelled, and they rushed forward.

"Bloody hell." Ian pressed back against the bar.

"Back off!" Vanda unwrapped the whip from her waist and flicked it at the crowd. "You heard me! Line up and wait your turn!"

The ladies scrambled to form a queue. Ian winced at the amount of pushing and cursing. They acted more like wrestlers than ladies. And there were more than fifty of them.

Vanda grinned at Ian. "Isn't this great? That profile I wrote was incredible! Everyone wants to date you."

"I canna date fifty women in one night."

"Sure you can." She wound the whip back around her waist. "It's called speed dating."

"But I already told three women I'd meet them here."

Vanda waved that aside. "We'll let them go first." She turned to Cora Lee. "Don't you have a kitchen timer?"

"Yep." Cora Lee handed over a white plastic timer.

Vanda set it on a table. "We'll give them each five minutes."

"It'll take hours." Ian brought the drinks to the table.

"You got anything better to do?" Vanda eyed the Diet Coke. "What's with the mortal drink?"

"I brought Toni with me. She's the new day guard at the townhouse."

Vanda's eyes widened. "She? Connor hired a woman?"

Two nights ago, Ian had felt equally as shocked, but now he wanted to defend her. "She's an excellent fighter."

Vanda gave him a dubious look. "I'm picturing a moose woman with a unibrow, who's popping steroids."

Ian stiffened. "Nay! She's—"

"Hey, Ian!" a lady shouted from across the club. "What the hell happened to our date? We talked on the phone last night. Don't you remember?"

"Aye." He tried to recall the sound of her voice. "Ye're Stormy?"

"Tempest." Her eyes flashed with annoyance. "And this is Moonbeam and Cindy." She motioned to the women beside her. "We talked to you last night. We have seniority!"

"You may come to the front of the line," Vanda ordered. "Ian will begin shortly."

He groaned. What would he say to all these women? "Why are there so many of them?"

"You're the number one profile on Single in the City." Vanda beamed proudly. "Everyone's heard of you."

Ian winced. "I wanted to talk to you about that. Connor's upset that ye listed the location and phone number of Roman's townhouse."

"Connor's an old grouch. The women need a way to contact you."

"I understand that, but for security reasons, it's dangerous to have our location known to so many. We doona want some overzealous admirers trying to break in to see me, especially during the day. It's too risky."

"Okay, okay." Vanda fluffed up her spiky purple hair. "I'll take the address off the website."

"And the phone number, too. They can leave a message for me at Single in the City."

"All right." Vanda frowned. "But you're playing too hard to get."

"Hey, whassup?" A male Vamp, dressed in an expensive suit, sauntered toward them and winked at the line of waiting women. "Hello, ladies."

"Hi, Gregori," a chorus responded.

Ian was impressed. Gregori knew all these women?

"What's going on?" Gregori kissed Vanda on the cheek. "Are we lining up to do the bunny hop?"

"Ian's doing some speed dating tonight." Vanda lowered her voice to a whisper. "He's looking for his true love."

"Ah." Gregori's eyes twinkled as he regarded Ian. "Shall I warm them up for you?"

Ian scowled. "It's hard enough to be charming once, but fifty times in a row?"

"You can do it, bro. Just be yourself."

Ian's scowl deepened.

Gregori winced. "You might try smiling. You know the ladies love a guy with a sense of humor."

"I'm doomed."

"Chill out, dude. I'll—" Gregori froze. "Good Lord, look at her. She's an angel."

Ian glanced in the direction of Gregori's stunned gaze. Toni. "She's mine," he blurted out, then caught himself. "I mean, she's my guard."

"She's the guard Connor hired?" Vanda asked.

Gregori snorted. "Yeah, I can see why he hired her."

"Her beauty had nothing to do with it," Ian snapped. "She's an excellent fighter and verra brave and clever."

"Oh." Gregori eyed Ian curiously. "I see."

Ian felt his face heat up. Perhaps he'd come on a wee bit strong. "Actually, I'd appreciate it if ye could keep an eye on her while I'm busy."

"Sure. No problem, bro."

Toni gazed at the long line of girls as she approached. "I thought you only had three dates."

"I have a few more now," Ian grumbled as he moved to her side. "I'd like ye to meet some friends of mine. This is Vanda. She manages the Horny Devils."

"And writes fascinating profiles," Toni added with a smile. She held out a hand.

"Nice to meet you." Vanda shook her hand. "I'm working on another project to make Ian even more famous."

Ian swallowed hard. "That's no' really necessary."

"Of course it is. We've got to find your true love." Vanda patted Ian on the cheek. "I'll check on you later." She strode toward her office.

"And this is Gregori." Ian gestured toward him. "He's the vice president of marketing at Romatech."

"I'm delighted to meet you." Gregori took her hand and kissed it. "I've heard about you. My mother, Radinka, told me that she and Shanna will be seeing you tomorrow."

"Oh, that's right." Toni smiled. "They're coming with Howard to help him babysit while I take a final."

Ian frowned at the word babysit.

"Well, bro, shouldn't you get to work?" Gregori nodded his head toward the long line of women.

Ian gulped. Work was the right word for it. Flirting with Toni had been fun, but the thought of charming all these women seemed like a bloody chore. "I need a drink first." He sat and swallowed down some Bleer.

Gregori pulled out a chair at the table so Toni could sit. "Where do you go to college?"

"NYU." She sat.

Gregori sat beside her. "That's where I got my MBA."

"I got my bachelor's in business there."

Feeling forgotten and a bit undereducated, Ian gulped down more Bleer. Damn, he should have pulled out the chair for her.

Gregori leaned toward her. "Hey, is old Professor Hudgins still there? Short, bald, wears a bow tie. Looks and talks like Elmer Fudd. 'Today we're wearning about high intewest wates on cwedit cards. "

Toni laughed, and it sounded like music from heaven. But Ian was aware of an undercurrent of grumbles and curses. The fifty Vamp women were pissed. No doubt they disliked having to wait while he talked to a mortal.

Toni finally stopped laughing and looked at Ian. "Gregori does a great impersonation. He's really funny."

"I bought you a drink." Now that was smooth, he chided himself.

"Thanks." Toni took a sip.

"What the hell are we waiting for?" Tempest yelled from the front of the line.

Ian groaned inwardly.

"The natives are getting restless," Toni observed. She glanced toward the bar and suddenly jumped to her feet when two women teleported in.

"Are ye all right?" Ian asked.

She sat back down. "I guess I'm a little…nervous about being here."

"Dance with me," Gregori suggested. "I'll tell the DJ to get back to work." He headed toward the dance floor.

Toni watched him go. "Is Gregori a Vamp?"

"Aye, a verra young one. He was changed after the invention of synthetic blood, so he's completely bottle-fed."

Toni grimaced as loud, pulsating music started. "Oh God, no. Disco?"

"Gregori loves it. Will ye stay with him till ye're ready to go home?"

"I can take care of myself."

"Toni." Ian leaned forward. "There are fifty Vamp women behind you, all glaring daggers at you. Please stay with Gregori."

She glanced over her shoulder. "Okay, I see your point. I'll go…boogie down." She stood and smoothed down her tiny skirt. "Good luck with your dates. Although I have to say you're wasting your time."

With her head held high, she strode past the glaring women, like an angel unafraid of the dark forces around her. But why did she think his dating was a waste of time? Did she think it was impossible for him to find love?

"Hey!" Tempest yelled. "Can we start already?"

"Aye, let's begin." Ian set the timer.

Tempest rushed forward, flung her arms around his neck, and kissed his cheek.

Ian unhooked her arms. "Will ye have a seat, please?"

"Sure." She climbed onto his lap.

"What are ye doing, lass?"

"Sitting." She raked her black-painted fingernails down his chest. "You know why they call me Tempest? I'm as wild as a hurricane."

"I thought we might talk a wee bit first. Ye know, the calm before a storm?"

She ripped the leather strip from his hair and raked her fingers across his scalp. "Why don't you send those other girls home?" She gripped his hair. "I want to get wet and wild with you."

"I doona know you yet." He pried her fingers loose.

"What's to know?" She nibbled on his neck.

"Well, uh, what do ye do for a living?"

She chuckled, low and throaty. "I'm not living, silly, I'm Undead."

"Aye, but we all have bills to pay."

"If I need something, I just take it." She nipped at his ear. "Right now, I need you."

"What do ye mean, ye take it?"

"I take stuff from mortals. Money, clothes, whatever."

"Ye steal from them?"

She sat back with an impatient huff. "It's not stealing when they never realize it happened. It's so easy to fuck with their minds. Like, I have a great condo for free 'cause the manager actually thinks I'm paying rent."

Why had he assumed all Vamps were like him? "I'm afraid we're no' well suited."

"What does that mean?"

He picked her up and set her on her feet as he stood. "It was nice meeting you."

"Are you ditching me?" she shrieked. "Nobody ditches me!" She flung the rest of Toni's Diet Coke in his face, then stalked away, cursing under her breath.

Ian wiped his face with a cocktail napkin. One down, forty-nine to go. Maybe Toni was right, and he was wasting his time. He glanced at the dance floor. Gregori was wiggling his hips and pointing a finger up and down. With a laugh, Toni mimicked his move.

Ian sighed and motioned to his second date.

A pretty blonde glided toward him. "Hi, remember me? I'm Moonbeam."

"How do ye do?" He sat and reset the timer.

Moonbeam settled across from him. "Well, I guess I should tell you about myself. I'm an Aquarius."

"That's nice."

"I was born in 1950. My name was Mary. Boring, I know. My parents were like so square. I ran away when I was sixteen, so I could protest the war. I really hate war."

This might be a bad time to mention he was a warrior. Ian noticed Gregori was spinning Toni in circles.

"I went to San Francisco, of course." Moonbeam fiddled with the beads around her neck. "That's where it was happening, you know."

"What was happening?" Ian asked.

"Everything, man. Flower power. Make love, not war. I'm like totally opposed to violence of any kind."

"Then ye would never manipulate or cheat a mortal for yer own gain?"

"God, no. That's like so damaging to your karma."

Ian nodded. This one might have potential. At least she appeared to have good morals.

"So there I was, tripping on acid and enjoying a perfectly good orgy, when this guy comes out of nowhere and bites me on the neck! I mean, I was like totally bummed out when I woke up dead."

Ian blinked. "I see." His gaze wandered back to Toni. Every now and then, when someone teleported in, she would jump to face them. Perhaps teleportation frightened her? If that was the case, he should drive her home. The thought of escaping the club sounded excellent.

The timer rang, and he realized Moonbeam was still talking. He stood. "I'm afraid our time is up."

"Okay. Peace." She hugged him and glided away.

Ian motioned for Cindy to come forward. She launched into a long account of her past two hundred and thirteen boyfriends, while Ian's attention slid back to the dance floor. The music slowed, and Gregori took Toni into his arms. Dammit, he'd told Gregori to watch her, not maul her.

After two more interviews, Vanda sauntered toward him, grinning. "I did it! It's all set up."

His stomach knotted with apprehension as he rose to his feet. "What did ye do?"

"Don't look so worried. It'll be great. Tomorrow night at midnight, Corky Courrant is coming here!"

"The barracuda?" Everyone knew the reporter from Live with the Undead was vicious. "Why is she coming here?"

"To interview you!" Vanda announced.

Ian stepped back. "Vanda, no. Hell, no."

"It'll be fun! Trust me."

He shook his head. "No good can come from this. The woman is a monster."

"Don't be such a wuss!" Vanda poked him in the chest. "Corky's show is broadcast all over the world. Every Vamp on earth will see you. And see my club. This is brilliant!"

"What's brilliant?" Gregori walked toward them with Toni.

"Ian's going to be on Live with the Undead," Vanda boasted. "They're coming tomorrow to do the interview."

"You're going to be on television?" Toni asked.

"On DVN," Vanda said.

"Digital Vampire Network," Ian explained. "We get it at the townhouse. But I'm no' doing the show."

"Of course you are," Vanda hissed. "I've been working on this for hours. It's all set."

"Be careful with Corky Courrant," Gregori warned.

"Who is she?" Toni asked.

"The star of the show." Gregori splayed his hands in front of his chest. "She has the most humongous" — Ian elbowed him—"commercials," Gregori finished.

"Were ye ready to go home?" Ian asked Toni. "I could drive you."

Vanda grabbed his arm. "You're not going anywhere. All these women are waiting for their chance to date you."

"I can teleport Toni," Gregori offered.

"But she might no' want to teleport," Ian protested.

"I'll be fine." Toni gave him a reassuring smile. "I can't wait to see you on TV."

Ian sighed. Maybe he should go through with it. He didn't want to disappoint Vanda or Toni. And how bad could it be? "Gregori, can I have a word with you in private?"

"Sure." Gregori walked away with him. "What's up?"

"I—uh—thought ye might give me some advice."

"Are your dates not going well?" Gregori whispered.

"I feel like I'm conducting job interviews. I'm no' connecting with them." Not like he did with Toni.

Gregori rested a hand on Ian's shoulder. "Dude, you can do this. You must have charmed ladies out of a pint of blood every night for several centuries."

Ian sighed. "I was never verra sophisticated about it. No one expected me to be. I looked so young, even though I felt old inside. And now I look old on the outside, but inside I feel like a green lad. I doona know what to say."

"You just need to work on your communication skills. First off, practice being a good listener. Women like to talk about their feelings. Even if you think it's totally boring, nod your head and keep listening."

"Okay."

"You should respond with lines like 'How interesting. Tell me more. "

"How interesting," Ian repeated. "Tell me more."

"That's it. And here's another good one. 'You're absolutely right. How clever of you. Women like to be complimented on their intelligence."

"Okay." Ian repeated the lines. "Thank you." He walked back to the table with Gregori. Vanda had already rushed off to her office.

"Good night, Ian." Toni smiled shyly.

"Good night, Toni." God, he wanted to touch her. He wanted to kiss her again.

Gregori slapped him on the back. "Later, dude. Let's go, Toni." He led her toward the dance floor.

With a resigned sigh, Ian motioned for the next date to come forward.

"Hi, I'm Amy."

"Please have a seat." Ian looked over at Gregori. He was holding Toni close. That was necessary when teleporting with a mortal, but it didn't make it easier to watch.

"Gosh, when I saw your picture on the Internet, I thought you looked so sexy," Amy began. "But, I swear, you look even better in person!"

"How interesting," Ian murmured. "Tell me more." Damn, Toni was putting her arms around Gregori's neck.

"You want me to talk about how handsome you are?" Amy asked. "Isn't that kinda vain?"

"Ye're absolutely right. How clever of you."

"You jerk! I'm outta here." She stalked away.

He groaned. This night from hell would never end.

Toni and Gregori arrived at the back porch of the townhouse, and she used her special key to deactivate the alarm and open the door. He wished her good night, then teleported back to the Horny Devils for more dancing. It was odd, but she'd actually enjoyed herself at the vampire nightclub.

Unlike Ian. He had looked miserable. She hated to admit it, but a part of her rejoiced over his misery. His theory that only a Vamp would understand him was so wrong. Those bimbo bloodsuckers weren't good enough for him.

She rushed upstairs to her bedroom to get away from the surveillance cameras. She dropped her handbag on the bed and dialed Carlos. "Where are you now?"

"I got back to my apartment about five minutes ago," he replied. "I'm watching the monitor connected to your camera. It went black for a few seconds."

"That was teleportation. Does it give us the proof we need?"

"No, it just looked like a camera malfunction. So is this your luxurious bedroom I'm seeing now?"

"Yes." Toni unclipped the camera from her vest and turned it off.

"Hey!" Carlos objected over the phone. "I want a tour of the house."

"And I want to go to bed." She slipped the camera into a dresser drawer. "I'm not sure if I caught any of the Vamps teleporting, because they just popped up without any advance warning. It was very frustrating." Though not as frustrating as watching those creepy Vamp women throw themselves at Ian.

"I don't know," Carlos replied. "I'll need to review the tape."

"If it didn't work, I have another idea." Toni opened the armoire across from her bed. Inside there was a television that she hadn't bothered to turn on yet. "The Vamps have their own television network called DVN."

"Really? What frequency is it on?"

"I don't know." She turned on the TV. "This looks like a commercial. Something called Vampos. It's an after-dinner mint to get rid of blood breath."

Carlos laughed.

"I'm serious. Now there's a bat flapping its wings. Underneath it says—DVN, on 24/7 because it's always nighttime somewhere."

"Sounds interesting. I'll try to tap into it."

"Now there's a soap opera coming on. As the Vampire Turns. If we get a recording of this, won't it prove vampires exist?"

"Not really," Carlos said. "It's not unusual to have vampire shows on mortal television."

"But what about the commercials?"

"We see talking lizards and cavemen in commercials all the time. It doesn't make them real."

"I beg to differ. I have dated a few cavemen." She turned the TV off and wondered how Ian was doing. Was he discovering his shimmering, starlit princess? Was she so fabulous, he'd forgotten about the kiss they'd shared?

"Merda," Carlos muttered. "I don't think the footage from the club is going to help. Every time you spun toward a teleporting Vamp, the picture blurred."

"Damn." How on earth were they going to prove the existence of vampires?

"And I'm afraid we have another problem," Carlos said. "I found the Proctors' house."

"You did? What happened?"

"I talked to the maid, Maria. She's from Colombia, and thankfully my Spanish is good. She said your phone call made the Proctors really nervous."

"Oh dear." Toni tossed her boots in the closet. "Did she say if Sabrina's okay?"

"She was locked in a bedroom upstairs. Maria saw her twice, said she was asleep both times."

"I'm afraid her uncle is drugging her."

"You're right. Maria said he was giving her Haldol. It's a strong antipsychotic. Tends to knock people out."

"This is terrible." Toni paced across the room.

"It gets worse. By the time I got there, the Proctors had packed up Sabrina and taken her somewhere. Maria said they were talking about a mental hospital."

"Oh no!" Toni collapsed on the bed. "Why are they doing this?"

"I'm not really sure, but you can bet it has something to do with the money Bri stands to inherit. I'll find out more tomorrow. I have a date with Maria."

"A date? But aren't you—?"

"I'm working undercover," Carlos said. "The Proctors always give Maria Friday night off 'cause they like to go out. So I'll convince her to let me into Uncle Joe's office. Shouldn't be too hard. She hates him 'cause he pinches her ass whenever his wife isn't looking."

"Oh, what a great guy."

"I'll call you tomorrow night. Hopefully I can find out which hospital they took Sabrina to."

"I hope so. Thank you, Carlos." Toni hung up. Poor Bri. If she was trapped in a mental hospital, she would need to be rescued somehow. Carlos would help.

Toni took a deep breath. She'd failed her grandmother, and the guilt had gnawed at her ever since. She wouldn't let Sabrina down.

Jedrek Janow lounged in his chair with his feet propped on his desk as he watched DVN. He couldn't believe the amount of information being thrown about. The newscaster on the Nightly News had actually reported that the Vamps still had no idea where the evil warlord Casimir was located. Jedrek hoped Casimir was watching. He'd love that part about being an evil warlord.

Then a show came on called Live with the Undead, and the buxom hostess announced that Roman Draganesti and his mortal wife were expecting their second child in May.

Jedrek snorted. Why pay spies when he could learn so much for free? Unfortunately, now a stupid soap opera was starting. He turned the television off and set his feet back on the floor. He picked up the photos Yuri had brought the other night and thumbed through them.

A whimpering sound came from the corner of his office. Nadia was still crying.

"Shut up. I can't concentrate with your sniveling."

She sniffed. "I miss my friends."

Of course she did. But the first step in breaking a bitch was isolation. He was making her sit in the corner all night. "Did I say you could talk?"

Tears rolled down her face. "I'm so hungry."

Of course she was. He'd fed earlier that evening, drinking his full from a captured mortal right here in the office while Nadia had been forced to watch. And go hungry. "I've told Yuri to bring me another snack. A blonde. I might let you feed this time."

"Yes, please."

"And when you're done feeding, you will kill the blonde to please me."

Nadia's face paled.

"If you want to eat, you'll have to kill her."

Her shoulders slumped. "Yes, sir."

"That's yes, Master."