Almost Perfect

Chapter 14

Subject: Men are such jerks!!!

Christine: Whoa, what happened? I thought all was bliss with you and Joe?

Maddy pounded out an e-mail explaining everything, how Joe was doing to her the very thing he'd never forgiven her for and he didn't seem to see it. To him it was all her fault that he couldn't trust her.

Christine: You're right. Men are jerks.

Amy: Wait a minute. Let's not be too hasty. Maddy, what's Joe's side?

Christine: Who cares? We're having a bitchfest. We'll be mature later. For now, Mad, feel free to let it rip. We promise that if things work out for you and the Jerk, we won't hold anything you say now against him.

Amy: Well, of course she's free to bitch to us, but I'd still like to know Joe's side.

Maddy burst into tears as she typed her response: Have I mentioned lately how much I love you guys?

I don't suppose there's any way you'd come to the show so I can see you in person.

Christine: We love you too. And I'd be at the show in a heartbeat, but I'll still be in residency. Amy?

There was a pause before Amy responded: I wish I could. Really. But I couldn't possibly train someone to cover the office that quickly. Plus there's my grandmother.

Maddy knew Amy was making excuses, but let it slide as she typed: It's okay, Amy. I wasn't thinking.

Christine diplomatically shifted the subject away from Amy's fear of traveling: Okay, let's figure out a way to have Joe crawling on his hands and knees when he comes over tonight thinking a simple apology will get him back into your bed.

Only Joe didn't come that night.

The following day, when Maddy saw him in the dining hall, he marched in, grabbed his tray, stabbed at his food as if trying to kill it, and left.

Naturally, the coordinators noticed and had their heads together in an instant, whispering. Maddy wanted to scream. Confiding to Amy and Christine was one thing. That didn't mean she wanted Carol and the others plotting ways to get her and Joe back together.

As the days passed, however, the likelihood of a reconciliation seemed less and less likely. Weighed down by the thought, Maddy opened her laptop.

Message: I'm ready to be mature. Any advice on how I fix this? I miss Joe so much, I ache all over. Things were so perfect for a while. I want that back. Oh God, I think I really am in love with him.

Her hand hovered over the SEND key as her stomach churned. Should she delete that last sen-tence? Did telling someone make it real? Squinting her eyes, she hit SEND… and waited in agony for her friends' responses.

Amy: Oh, Maddy. I'm so sorry you're hurting. Have you told Joe how you feel?

Maddy: Good God, no. Are you kidding? I told y'all some of his background. If I said the L word, he'd just put up more barriers.

Christine: You don't know that. Maybe he's just waiting for you to say it first. He could be thinking "By God, I stuck my neck out last time, this time it's her turn."

Maddy: There's a terrifying thought. Especially since he's given me NO indication that he wants something serious. I'm not even sure I want something this serious. My home, my family, and both of you are in Austin. What am I doing falling for a guy who lives in a whole different state?

Christine: Talk about your lame excuses! Maddy, houses can be sold, your family drives you nuts, and even though we'd miss meeting you for lunch, friends should never stand in the way of love. As for repairing this rift with Joe, I think you need to tell him at least some of how you feel. You don't have to use the big L word, but tell him something.

Maddy: How can I when he's not talking to me?

Christine: Sheesh. You wait until all the little kiddies are asleep, you knock on his door, and when he answers, you say, "Yo, Joe, let's talk."

Maddy stared at Christine's post for several long minutes before closing her computer with a snap. Advice was easy for someone who didn't have to take it.

Realizing the sun was setting, she walked out onto her balcony. The sound and scent of the mountains at dusk filled her senses. Down in the camp, she saw a light glowing in Joe's apartment.

Maybe Christine was right. Maybe Joe wanted her to make the first move. She tried to picture it in her mind, what she would say and what his response might be. Fear swelled inside her with staggering swiftness, making her heart pound and her palms sweat. Good heavens, was this how Joe had felt all those years ago when he'd been building up the courage to propose?

And then she'd told him no?

Guilt stabbed at her, making her wince.

Although what if the reverse happened this time? What if she got up the nerve to tell him she loved him, only to have him reject her?

She stared at the light in the office a long time as the shadows lengthened and the air grew chilled. Finally, the campers on flag duty headed for the pole next to the big bell. Mama's voice came over the speakers with the evening prayer as the girls lowered and folded the flag. Then taps began to play, a soft, sleepy version that she usually found soothing.

Tonight it sounded so plaintive her chest ached.

She watched as the campers walked away from the flag pole. Watched Mama leave the office, climb into her golf cart, and head toward the little owner's house on the rise near the gate. And she wished for the sight of Joe stepping out of the office and heading up toward the Craft Shack as he'd done every night for that magical week.

The sky grew darker, the air colder.

She finally turned and went back inside, where she lay awake most of the night. The narrow bed had seemed so crowded with Joe in it, making them laugh more than once.

Now it felt far too empty.

Her friends were right. She needed to make^the first move. With sleep evading her, she searched her mind for the right way to take the first step. If only she knew where that step would lead. Why did love have to be so scary and painful?

The following evening, Joe glared at the paperwork in front of him, wishing it would do a better job of distracting him from thoughts of Maddy-and the temptation to go up to the Craft Shack and beg his way back into her bed. Everything had been perfect. Couldn't they just go back to that?

Watching her leave at the end of summer was going to be hard enough. How much more would it hurt if he let her all the way into his life? If he let her be part of making plans for the boot camp, it would serve as one more reminder of her when she was gone. Couldn't she see that?

At the sound of crunching gravel in the parking lot, he looked up and was surprised to see his mother entering the office. He glanced at his watch. "You're a little early for taps, aren't you?"

"I thought I'd come by for a visit. Things have been so busy, we hardly get time to talk."

"Oh?" He tensed. Anytime Mama Fraser wanted to "talk" she definitely had something to say.

"Yes." Smiling, she sat in the chair between his desk and the back door. Outside, evening was settling over the valley. He could hear the campers enjoying their free time between dinner and lights-out with a game of tag out on the playing field. "I was up at the Craft Shack having a nice cup of tea with Madeline. She showed me some of the artwork she's done for the show. What talent that girl has!"

"Yes, I know." His gut twisted at the mere mention of her name.

Mama leaned forward to lay an envelope in front of him. "She asked me to give this to you."

"What is it?" He frowned suspiciously at the envelope. As strained as things had been between them the last few days, it could be anything from a scathing note telling him off to a letter of resignation. The thought of the latter sent panic racing through him. Seeing her every day was killing him by slow degrees, but it was better than not seeing her at all.

"Well?" his mother prompted. "Aren't you going to open it?"

Bracing himself for a "Dear John, screw you" note, he sliced the envelope open with a knife, then stared at the printed card inside. "It's an invitation to Maddy's show."

"So it is."

He felt a surge of hope, followed by frustration. "What? She couldn't be bothered to hand it to me in person?"

"With the way you've been acting lately?" His mother lifted a brow at him. "Maybe she didn't want to get growled at."

His teeth clamped together. "I haven't been growling at her."

"No?" She chuckled, then sighed. "Maybe not, but you have made it clear you don't want her here."

"Did she tell you that?" He fought the need to get up and pace.

"No. But I have eyes. You've been giving her the classic freeze-out for more than a week now." She shook her head sadly. "And just when I thought things were going well between you two."

"They were going well, until she-"

"Until she what?

"Nothing." He straightened a stack of papers on his desk.

"Joe, do you want Maddy to leave?"

"No!" Alarm kicked up his heart rate. "I want-"

"What?"

Everything! he nearly shouted. i want her to love me and mean it this time. The way I love her so much it's eating me up inside. I want her to love me the way she loved Nigel the Geek.

Just thinking the name made him want to rip something apart. Instead he went back to shuffling papers. "If Maddy sent you down here to act as a go-between, tell her there's no reason for her to leave. I'm perfectly capable of respecting the boundaries she set."

"Are you saying she's the one freezing you Out?"

"It's not that simple." He scrubbed a hand over his face. "Look, I appreciate your concern, but I'm really not comfortable discussing certain things with my mother."

"Ah." A knowing twinkle came into her eyes. "She cut you off."

"Mom." Heat crept up his neck. "Do you mind?"

She laughed. "No wonder you're so grouchy."

"I'm not grouchy."

"Moody, then. Lack of sex can do that to a man."

He glared at her. "You're determined to discuss this, aren't you?"

She settled back in the chair. "How about if I save you from talking by telling you a story?"

"Suit yourself." He went back to his paperwork.

"I remember when I met the Colonel."

He groaned aloud at those familiar words, even though he liked this story. He just hated that it had a different purpose each time she told it.

"It was at a USO dance during the war. Not too many people considered him to be a particularly handsome man, even back then. But he was…" She tipped her head as if picturing him in her mind, and a glow came over her face. "Compelling."

Joe narrowed his eyes. "Last time you told this story, he was 'frightening.' "

"That too." She laughed. "I can still picture him as he walked into the room, scowling at everyone. The other girls were all too scared to go over and greet him, even though that was what we were there for, to make the servicemen feel at home. To get their minds off the war for a bit. So I watched him for a long time. Long enough to see how he looked at the couples cutting a rug on the dance floor, with this odd blend of longing and fear. Then he'd look at us girls and scowl even harder. I finally realized he was even more afraid of us than we were of him." Her eyes twinkled with laughter.

"So I marched right over there, my knees shaking the whole way-because what if I was wrong? Maybe he was as mean as he looked. I had no guarantee he wouldn't plumb take my head off in one big bite. Things are like that between men and women, you know. Very scary, with no guarantees."

Joe frowned in confusion. "We're already at the moral of the story?"

"Heavens no. The moral comes at the end. Now where was I?"

"You asked the Colonel to dance, only he wasn't a colonel back then. He was Major Patrick Fraser."

"Right. I asked him if he wanted to dance. He looked down at me from way up there." She tipped her head back, looking up, then rolled her eyes sideways to look at Joe. "Even before my bones shrank, I wasn't too tall. And do you know what he said?"

Joe lowered his voice to a deep bass. " 'I'm not sure that's wise, miss, since my feet are bigger than all of you put together.' "

She nodded. "So I asked him if he'd like to sit and talk instead. We were the last two to leave the USO that evening, and then only because they kicked us out. Major Patrick Fraser walked me out to my car. We didn't say a word the whole way across the big empty parking lot. I thought maybe he was mad at me because I'd teased him a bit about his big feet as we were leaving. Later he confessed it was because he wanted to kiss me so bad his knees were shaking.

"Imagine that." She grinned. "The Colonel with shaky knees."

"It happens to the best of men." Joe scowled at her.

"Yes, it does." She smothered her amusement. "When we reached my car, he mustered the courage to ask if he could kiss me. I said yes, of course, very matter-of-factly, expecting a peck good night.

But when he kissed me…" She patted her heart as her eyes turned dreamy. "Oh, when he kissed me… I knew. I just knew he was the man for me, no matter what the future held. I was gonna love that man as long as God let me."

Her eyes focused again, right on Joe, and he knew it was coming: the moral of the story.

"Now just imagine if I hadn't gotten up the courage to ask him to dance, or if he hadn't gotten up the courage to kiss me good night. We may have found happiness elsewhere, but I'm convinced it wouldn't have been near as rich. Some things are just meant. That doesn't mean happiness will fall into your lap. You have to work past the scary stage to earn it, then nurture it daily once you have it."

"And you think Maddy and I are 'meant'?"

"What do you think?"

"I think things don't always work out the way we want. And loving someone isn't always enough. Look at Jimmy," he said, referring to one of the older foster boys who had left the Frasers' home long before Joe arrived. Last they'd heard, Jimmy was serving a second prison sentence. "You gave him the same love you gave all of us, but even that wasn't enough. You can't tell me he didn't hurt you."

She nodded thoughtfully. "I hurt when I think of Jimmy, but I hurt for him, not for me. I don't regret opening my home and my heart to him. The Colonel and I gave him everything we knew how to give. But we gave it freely. There was no price tag attached. No stipulation that Jimmy had to do something with that love to please us."

"But he hurt you."

"He's hurt himself far more than he's hurt me." Her pale blue gaze bored into him. "Joe, love can be both joyous and painful. It's like an amusement park. You can ride the carousel, and go 'round and 'round nice and slow, or you can take the glunge on the roller coaster with all its big highs and lows.

"Now, there's a lot to be said for that carousel. That's what the Colonel aad I had. A sweet ride filled with contentment and few surprises. And thank goodness foR it, because you boys were a roller coaster, to be sure. It wasn't always fun. I won't lie to you-more than once I wanted to scream my head off. But in the end, I'm glad I had the whole amusement park, not just the carousel, and not just the roller coaster."

"Personally, I'd rather have just the carousel."

"I know." Her face softened with understanding. Most people would show shock at such a statement coming from thrill-seeking Joe Fraser, Army Ranger, explosives expert, adrenaline junkie. But when it came to relationships, he'd ridden the roller coaster enough by the time he reached manhood to never want to climb on it again.

And that's where Maddy scared him. She was the biggest, brightest ride at the fairground, with flashing lights and clanging bells. She drew him to her with all the awe and fear, longing arid dread that drew a kid to a roller coaster.

"The thing is"-his mother leaned forward to pat his hand-"you don't always get to choose. Besides, you don't know how wild the ride will be until you get on. Maddy may surprise you this time around."

"Or not." He leaned back in his desk chair. "Which is why I refuse to draw a bull's-eye on my chest and tell her to take her best shot. Kevlar vests were invented for a reason, you know."

"Joe." A scowl wrinkled her face. "If you tell Maddy you'll only let her into your heart if she agrees to some list of conditions, then you haven't learned as much as I'd hoped you would about what it means to love."

"God." He covered his face with both hands. "I hate it when you're right."

"I know. Now about the art show…"

He dropped his hands and gave her a warning scowl-which she completely ignored.

"I'm hoping I can get a ride with you, since I don't enjoy driving at night the way I used to."

That made his brows go up. "You're admitting you're a hazard on the road?"

"I am not." She straightened her birdlike frame. "I said I don't enjoy driving at night."

"Because you can't see at night."

"I see just fine," she insisted. "And if you don't want to take me, very well. I'll drive myself."

"Don't be ridiculous. Of course I'll drive you."

"Good." She beamed as she stood. "Now, if you don't mind, I think I'll go watch the girls play until it's time for evening prayer."

It wasn't until she'd left that he realized how seamlessly she'd manipulated him. Thirty-three years old, and Mama Fraser still knew how to push his buttons.

God love her.

Love. He frowned at the word. Did he have what it took to love the way she did? To give it freely, absolutely, unconditionally with no guarantee on whether it brought pleasure, pain, or a combination of both?

Picking up the invitation, he thought about Maddy, ached for her. Was he destined to love this one woman his whole life? Taking both the pleasure and the pain she brought? Why was there so little free choice involved in love? That really sucked. He didn't want to be in love with her.

Yeah, but you are.

The question was, what. was he going to do about it?

Marry her, idiot..

The answer popped into his head, knocking the breath out of his lungs. He'd already failed on that objective once. At present they weren't even talking to each other, so proposing was out of the question without laying some groundwork. A lot of groundwork.

What he needed was a plan. Yeah, he nodded as it took shape in his mind. The final objective was making Maddy a permanent part of his life. He'd have to get there, though, in phases.

Phase One: Get back to where they had been.

Phase Two: Get her to stay in Santa Fe.

Phase Three: Get a ring on her finger.

His heart pounded with memories of his past failure to accomplish that, but he'd been givea seemingly impossible tasks before. All he had to do was stay focused on the task at hand. And not project too far into the future.

The first step of Phase One was to dispel the awkwardness.

Maddy was sitting with Dana and a whole table of campers having lunch when she looked up and found Joe standing beside her, holding his lunch tray. The sight of him looking right at her jolted her so hard she nearly dropped her fork.

"Hey," he said casually, as if days hadn't passed without them exchanging a single word.

"Hey," she managed to respond.

He dropped his gaze briefly, then looked back at her. "I noticed the invitation requested an RSVP."

"Yes?"

"I just wanted to let you know, I phoned Sylvia and told her to expect both Mom and me."

"Oh." Hope-and relief-filled her in a rush, blossoming into a warm glow over her face. "I'm glad."

He nodded. "I just thought you'd want to know."

With that, he turned and walked away to find an empty seat at another table. She turned back to find Dana smiling at her.

"You go, girl."

She released a laughing sigh, for once not caring that so many people knew the details of her love life. She'd offered an olive branch-and Joe had taken it.