Anxious People

14

Witness Interview

Date: December 30

Name of witness: London

JACK: You’d probably be more comfortable if you sat on the chair instead of the floor.

LONDON: Have you got something wrong with your eyes or something? You can see that the charging cable for my cell phone won’t reach the chair.

JACK: And moving the chair is out of the question, obviously.

LONDON: What?

JACK: Nothing.

LONDON: You’ve got really crap reception in here. Like, one bar…

JACK: I’d like you to switch your phone off now so I can ask my questions.

LONDON: I’m not stopping you, am I? Ask away. Are you really a cop? You look too young to be a cop.

JACK: Your name is London, is that correct?

LONDON: “Correct.” Is that how you talk? You sound like you’re doing role-play with someone who gets turned on by accountants.

JACK: I’d appreciate it if you could try to take this seriously. Your name is L-o-n-d-o-n?

LONDON: Yes!

JACK: I have to say, that’s an unusual name. Well, maybe not unusual, but interesting. Where’s it from?

LONDON: England.

JACK: Yes, I understand that. What I meant was, is there a special reason why you’re called that?

LONDON: It’s what my parents decided to call me. Have you been smoking something?

JACK: You know what? Let’s forget that and just move on.

LONDON: It’s not worth getting upset about, is it?

JACK: I’m not upset.

LONDON: Right, because you don’t sound at all upset.

JACK: Let’s focus on the questions. You work in the bank, is that correct? And you were working at the counter when the perpetrator came in?

LONDON: Perpetrator?

JACK: The bank robber.

LONDON: Yes, that’s “correct.”

JACK: You don’t have to do that with your fingers.

LONDON: They’re perverted commas. You’re writing this down, right, so I want you to use perverted commas when I do that, so anyone reading your notes will get that I’m being ironic. Otherwise anyone reading this is going to think I’m a complete moron!

JACK: They’re called inverted commas.

LONDON: Is there an echo in here or something?

JACK: I was just telling you what they’re called.

LONDON: I was just telling you what they’re called!

JACK: That’s not what I sound like.

LONDON: That’s not what I sound like!

JACK: I’m going to have to ask you to take this more seriously. Can you tell me about the robbery?

LONDON: Look, it wasn’t even a robbery. We’re a cashless bank, okay?

JACK: Please, just tell me what happened.

LONDON: Did you put that my name is London? Or have you just put “witness”? I want you to use my name, in case this ends up online and I get famous.

JACK: This isn’t going to end up online.

LONDON: Everything ends up online.

JACK: I’ll make sure I use your name.

LONDON: Sick.

JACK: Sorry?

LONDON: “Sick.” Don’t you know what “sick” means? It means good, okay?

JACK: I know what it means. I just didn’t hear what you said.

LONDON: I just didn’t hear what you saaaid…

JACK: How old are you?

LONDON: How old are you?

JACK: I’m asking because you seem quite young to be working in a bank.

LONDON: I’m twenty. And I’m, like, only a temp, because no one else wanted to work the day before New Year’s Eve. I’m going to study to be a bartender.

JACK: I didn’t know you needed to study to do that.

LONDON: It’s tougher than being a cop, anyway.

JACK: Of course it is. Can you tell me about the robbery now, please?

LONDON: God, could you be any more annoying? Okay, I’ll tell you about the “robbery”…