Box

II

This is as good a time as any to introduce myself.

I’m Dr. Gideon Box, the top Cardiothoracic pediatric surgeon in the world. A fancy way of saying I fix kids for a living.

I’m extremely good at my job, but in real life I have issues.

I don’t get along with people. I’m antisocial. I don’t “mix well.” Beyond all that, I’ve had bad luck with women.

My entire life.

I live alone.

Big surprise, right?

So anyway, Pigface said, “Join an online dating service. Pick one that requires you to fill out a detailed profile, and be honest. Let the experts find suitable matches for you.”

She told me to seek women from small towns. Said they’d possess basic core values, be less shallow and self-centered than the women I’ve tried to date in Manhattan. Told me to take a week off and visit these women. Told me to be positive, keep an open mind.

“What’s the worst that can happen?” she said.

So I joined a dating website, spent two weeks narrowing down the candidates, and eventually settled on three small-town Kentucky women: Faith Hemphill, Zander Evans, and Renee Williams. These three seemed to possess the qualities Pigface recommended, as well as the one quality I seek in a woman: excessive horniness.