Box Nine

Chapter Twenty-Eight

Peirce unlocks her apartment door and steps inside, weaves a bit, puts a hand against a wall to steady herself. After a minute, she closes and locks the door behind her, shuffles out of her jacket and shoes, and moves into the bedroom. She leaves all the lights off and stands still at the foot of her bed, quiets her breathing, strains to hear any foreign sounds, any suggestion of noise.

And though she hears nothing, she takes her service revolver from her bag, moves to the closet, pulls back the hammer on her gun, and yanks open the closet door. She fans the line of her hanging clothes with the nose of the.38, then eases the hammer back down into its cradle, moves back to the bed, and feels the strain of suppressed weeping start to well behind her eyes.

She puts her revolver on the nightstand, takes the microrecorder from her bag, and throws the bag into the darkness in the corner of the room. Then she tosses the recorder onto her pillow and takes off all her clothes.

She steps up to the TV set, turns it on, and turns the volume all the way down. She sits back down on the edge of the bed, folds her arms across her chest, and wedges her hands up into her armpits, tries to concentrate on her breathing. She manages to hold back tears by staring at the image on the screen in front of her: a man and a woman, seated at an anchor desk, crisp sheets of paper held tautly in their hands, vague, pleasant looks on their faces, an occasional nod of the head. What can they possibly be talking about?

She thinks if she still had the revolver in her hands she’d put a bullet into the picture tube, fill the room with blue-white fireworks of spitting electric current. The thought gives her some control and she smiles at herself, leans forward and turns off the TV, pulls back the covers, climbs into the bed, picks up the tape recorder, and turns it on.

It’s eleven-fifteen, Victor. Forty-five minutes to go. I’m glad the day’s almost over. I’m in bed, Victor. Alone. pitch-dark. My lousy little apartment that you had the nerve to call quaint that one time. Remember that one time, Victor? Mr. Mayor? You remember that one lunch hour when I couldn’t stand the desk in your office anymore? When I’d go back to work with my hair all smelling like Lemon Pledge? And you took the big chance of a lifetime and actually drove, in public, in my Honda, back to my place and you took so long making sure all the doors were locked and curtains pulled down that we ended up having about five minutes to jump on each other. You went back to City Hall happy, Victor. But I spent the rest of the day writing a report on some pathetic Bangkok bust, frustrated to hell, uncomfortable. Story of this whole thing with you and me. I just turned off the TV, thank God. I can’t take it anymore — the eleven o’clock news. I can’t stand it. These people sit behind this long desk and look into the camera and tell these horrible stories every night and then smile or nod or sort of shake their heads very slightly. Like their telling about this thing, this horror, has made sense out of it, has summed it up and put it in the past. And the thing is, I see everything up close. I’m a goddamn cop, for Christ sake. And so far I can take it in Bangkok. I can do the job. But I can’t take it on TV anymore. You figure it out, Mr. Mayor. You’re the brain here. You’re the guy that makes the city work, right? And now something’s bugging you, Victor? And you can’t just come out and tell me what it is. You can’t have me down to one of your little stale-donut lunches in your Lincoln Town Car, driving down the expressway, donut crumbs all over the lapels of your grey banker’s suit, talking with your mouth full, telling Charlotte everything you know about your enemies on the City Council. Councilor Searle’s tax problems. Councilor Adams’s questionable relatives. And then we’d park in the rubble of old Gomper’s train station and you’d always have to comment about how much room there was in the Town Car. Weren’t you ever afraid of someone pulling into the station someday? Some prospective developer checking out the place? Or maybe that just added to the excitement for you. I would’ve rather been back here at my place. [Pause] I’ve been doing a hell of a lot of thinking. Last week someone, Richmond maybe, although it seems too witty to come from Richmond, anyway, they said to me, “You know what a detective’s first priority is?” and I bit and said, “What?” and they said, “Pray for confessions,” and I laughed and then caught on that the joke wasn’t over yet and they said, “You know what a narcotics detective’s first priority is?” and I bit again and they said, “Pray for a mute suspect.” And I laughed, I put on the good laugh. That laugh you told me once you thought was exciting and to this day I take that to mean erotic, though I have my doubts. I think I’m a little drunk, Mayor Welby. What do you think Richmond’s joke means? That everybody gets a little filthy when the money’s that easy? Or does it mean something else? Something obvious I’m just not picking up on here? Richmond said you told him that joke. [Pause] I couldn’t stop and turn off my brain on the ride home from the Synaboost lab. Your little tape recorder job has done something to me that I’ve been fighting since day one as a narc. This little Panasonic cinched it. I’m full-blown paranoid now. And as much as I reject it, I can’t help feeling that this is the most [pause] what’s the word, appropriate, the most appropriate view of my life right now. Maybe from now on. I think maybe I’m paying the exact price, the perfect price, for hooking up with you, Victor. The funny thing is, I’m ready to fink on myself. At the beginning, right after that briefing with Lehmann and Dr. Woo there, you told me this would be the investigation within the investigation. But as an investigation this whole thing has been an absolute and total failure. I gathered information for you, Victor. I found out little scraps of information. We both think, thought, I thought, that that’s all you have to do. There are just two steps — you go out and, with a trained eye, a logical eye, you pick up scraps, clues, links, anything pertinent, then you bring it all back home and piece it together in ways that fit and when you’re done you step back and look and you’ve got the whole, big picture. But this Lingo thing hasn’t worked that way, has it? Nothing really led to anything else. For me it just seems to be spreading out more instead of closing in, coming together. [Pause] Maybe it’s just me. Maybe I’m burned out and I’ve lost any skill I had in this line of work. That’s a real possibility. I’d almost rather that be true than think that … [Long pause] Victor. Victor, I’ve always thought that people read mysteries for a good and simple reason. Because they confirmed, good word, confirmed, they confirmed a way of looking at life. In general. A positive way. Even through all the pages of bloodshed and lies and betrayals and corruption, if you pay attention and follow the link and clues, you come up with the truth. [Pause] I am loaded, Victor. No doubt about it. Bed spins. I’m going to have to run for the john any second, I think. Driving home from the lab tonight, coming down the hill from the airport, this is all the stuff that was going through my head. I’m praying, I’d like to pray, that this feeling I have right now, aside from the bed spinning, this feeling that I need to look over my shoulder, won’t last. And I’m scared to death that it will. That I’ll feel this way from now on. That no one can be trusted. That nothing will make much sense. For me, the problem with this case was that there were too many possibilities and my brain couldn’t seem to discard any. Instead, it kept adding more. On the drive home, down that endless airport hill, I kept thinking of other people. You got me started. I was thinking that any one of my brother detectives, sister detectives, you know, that they could be involved. That Lehmann, Mr. Closed Mouth, Mr. Arrogant, that he could be on both sides of the fence. The brilliant Dr. Woo could be behind the whole thing, murdering the Swanns, stealing the drug formula. I even thought it could be you, Victor. The mayor. The guy who knows everyone, controls everything. Why not Victor Welby? Could be Victor Welby. Or any combination of people. [Pause] I know it’s only been a day, Victor, but what a goddamn day. I’m out of it. I’m off the investigation within the investigation. I’m done. I’m no good to you. I haven’t found anything out. I need some sleep. Long day. I’m too tired to talk anymore. I’m

[End of tape]