Casino Moon

36

ROSEMARY STOOD AT the Boardwalk railing, watching Anthony play with her daughter in the wash and drain of the surf.

She felt nothing.

The Miss America Parade had been over for an hour or so, but there was still a beautiful day going on, probably the last one like it for the summer. With the sun casting a bright, clarifying light on everything below.

But Rosemary didn’t care about that either.

Anthony picked up Kimmy and held her over his head so their faces were just a foot apart. She laughed like a little homicidal maniac and Anthony kissed her on the nose.

How could he be so good with her kid one minute and ask her to do this terrible thing the next? What kind of man was he? After all the time they’d spent together, she still couldn’t quite get a handle on him.

And then there was the matter of that guy Nicky who’d turned up dead under the Boardwalk. But she’d made a definite decision not to think about that anymore and she had to stick to it.

One of those old wicker rolling chairs went by behind her and a voice with an Irish accent asked if she wanted a ride. She didn’t bother answering.

Anthony had Kimmy by the ankles and was swinging her around like she was a propeller. She screamed with glee. This would be a day she’d remember for years, especially if they bought her some saltwater taffy later. Her own father never took her out and played with her like this. Just looking at Anthony, you’d think he’d be the perfect stepfather.

Rosemary felt as though she was watching the whole scene from somewhere very far away. It was the same way she feltsometimes when she used to dance on top of bars. Like her body wasn’t really her body. It was just a thing she could rent out for other people to look at awhile.

Maybe she could do this thing she was talking about with Anthony.

Someone with a bullhorn nearby was announcing that tickets were still available for the Miss America finals at the Convention Center tonight. Miss America. They took these girls from all over the country, they made them up like dolls, and they brought them here. To hold their contest and lengthen the summer season. They brought them from Nebraska, Iowa, Wisconsin, and a million other places she’d probably never go as long as she lived. Girls who were young like she used to be. Who didn’t make all the wrong decisions. Who didn’t drop out. Who didn’t marry junkies. Who didn’t end up supporting their husbands’ habits in the backseats of Hondas. Who didn’t live in housing projects. Who didn’t have a kid to look after by themselves. They trained, they smiled, they gave speeches about how they wanted to help others less fortunate. They performed in the talent competitions, they gave interviews, and they modeled elegant evening wear. And in the end, they used their bodies to get what they wanted. That was the deal they made with themselves.

So who were they or anybody else to sit in judgment on her?

Anthony caught Kimmy in his arms and hugged her as the little waves lapped around his thin white ankles.

Rosemary came down the Boardwalk steps and walked across the beach toward them. She took off her shoes and hard cracked shells in the sand cut into the soles of her feet. Kimmy was looking over Anthony’s shoulder, waving and smiling with the gap in her teeth showing.

“Hi, Mommy!”

Maybe in the end she wouldn’t remember any of this. Maybe it was just another day of being four and seeing the boats on the water. And the other children with pails and shovels building dribble castles in the sand. And in a little while, she’d have front teeth and forget everything that happened this afternoon. Maybe by then they’d be in Seattle with the sprinklers and the wading pool in the backyard.

So what did it matter what you did at any given moment or any given hour in your life? Just as long as you got by and went on to the next thing.

Anthony turned to face Rosemary, with Kimmy still hanging over his shoulder, looking the other way.

“So what do you think?”

“I don’t know, Anthony. The whole thing gives me a very bad feeling. But if I go ahead and do it, I want half of whatever you end up making from the fight.”

It was just another deal she was making with herself. To get something, you had to give up something. The only question was, how did you live with yourself afterwards?

“Good.” Anthony smiled. “I’m glad you came to a decision right away. Life’s too short.”

“Yes, that’s true,” said Rosemary. “And I’m not too thrilled about it either.”