Clipped Wings

19

HAYDEN

I watched Tenley walk out of the shop and there was nothing I could do about it. If Sienna figured out there was something going on between us, she would find a way to exploit it, and I couldn’t risk losing what Tenley and I had, given how tenuous I sensed it was.

“What are you doing here?” I asked, unable to mask my frustration.

“I need a touch-up, and I was thinking about getting a new piece. You haven’t worked me over in a long time.” She twirled a lock of hair around her finger, unconcerned with the audience.

But that was how Sienna worked; the more people there were to witness one of her epic displays of bitchery, the better the show she put on. I looked past her as the lights came on in Tenley’s apartment. I needed to get over there and run interference. She had to be wondering what the hell was going on, and with all that new ink and the revelations tonight, she would be on edge. I was.

“You’re tight with Damen. Why don’t you talk to him about it?”

“Don’t be like that, Hayden. We both know he doesn’t have what I need.” She ran her finger along the neckline of her top, which exposed a ridiculous amount of cleavage. It was meant to be seductive. It had the reverse effect. If my dick could have crawled up inside my body to get away from her, it would have.

“What are you really here for? Or did you just come to stir up shit?” I asked.

“I came by to visit with friends and this is the kind of reception I get? I’m hurt.”

“Drop the act, Sienna. No one’s buying your crap.” I needed her to leave. Tenley had kept it together well enough during the session, even with my stupid fucking inquisition. But it was like the calm before the storm. Her small breakdown when she told me about the plane crash could be a precursor for something far more intense. I wanted to be there in case it happened.

Sienna pushed away from the counter and sashayed over to me. “Are you still mad at me about the last time we chatted? You really need to learn how to let things go.” When she tried to put her hands on me, I caught her wrists.

“Easy, honey, you’re all fired up tonight, aren’t you?” Sienna said, loud enough so only I could hear. “Is that little girl you just sent home causing problems for you? Is she making you wish you weren’t so fucked up?”

Sienna knew exactly what to say to push my buttons. I let her go and stepped back. “It must be hard, Sienna, knowing that as fucked up as I might be, I still don’t want you.”

She leaned in close, her spite like a shadow rising around her. “Always lying to yourself, Hayden. It’s just a matter of time before you come back. Maybe I won’t be interested anymore. You’re not as fun as you used to be.”

“It’s been over a year. When are you gonna get it?” I seethed. “I’d rather stick my dick in a cheese grater.”

Sienna laughed, enjoying my anger. “Wow. You’re really uptight. When was the last time you got laid?”

“Keep pushing,” I warned.

“And what? Are you gonna get rough with me? Show me you’re the man?”

“We both know that’s not how I roll. Now I suggest you get the fuck out of my shop before I call the police for solicitation. You’re certainly dressed for the part,” I said, burning her the only way I could.

“You never used to mind.”

“That’s because I never gave a shit about you or who you put out for.”

“Not even Chris?”

My fists clenched and I took an involuntary step toward her.

“Hayden!” Lisa came out from behind the counter. No matter how angry I was, I would never actually hit Sienna. Lisa should know that better than anyone else, so her reaction pissed me off even more.

I threw my hands up. “I’m outta here.”

I turned and headed for the rear exit. I slammed my palms into the release bar and threw open the door so hard that it smashed into the brick wall and ricocheted, almost hitting my shoulder on the rebound. Sienna kept shooting off her mouth as I walked away, but I ignored her, because the alternative would make me hate myself.

“It’s time to go, Sienna,” Jamie said as Lisa called after me to stop.

The door closed with a metallic bang. I kicked the closest object. The garbage bag went airborne and hit the wall, splitting open. Paper and other items littered the ground like entrails. It didn’t make me feel better at all.

Chris slipped out into the alley. “Jamie’s getting rid of her. You all right, H?”

“No. I’m not all right.” I paced the alley, frustrated. I hated how easy it was for her to get under my skin. “Why today? Why when I have Tenley in the shop?” I wanted to throttle Sienna. “Why is she always fucking up my shit?”

“Because that’s what she’s good at.”

It annoyed the crap out of me that Chris was right. It was such a fucking embarrassment that she had been the one person I’d kept going back to and for no other reason than to get off. I didn’t want that time when I’d been completely out of control to come back and bite me in the ass. I finally had something that felt real with Tenley; messing it up wasn’t an option.

“She’s like a fucking parasite.” I wheeled around, pointing an accusatory finger at Chris. “If you hadn’t pushed me to go to The Dollhouse, I never would have seen her and she wouldn’t be here ruining my life again.”

Chris raised his hands in the air. “I get that you’re pissed, brother, but don’t start blaming me for your issues.”

I was itching for a fight and Chris was the only person volatile enough to make it happen. Jamie came outside before I had a chance to do something really stupid.

He surveyed the scene. “Chris, can you help Lisa close up? I’ve got it from here.”

Chris turned away and pushed past Jamie. “I don’t know why the fuck I even bother with him.”

I went to follow, but Jamie put a hand on my chest and the door slammed shut. “You need to calm down.”

“That bitch ruins everything.”

“I’m not going to argue with you, but she’s not the real problem right now. Take a breath, man.”

He held on to my shoulder, talking me down from the ledge I’d climbed up on. Christ, I was acting like a lunatic. I took a few deep breaths and then a few more, so ramped up at first I could barely think.

“What the hell is wrong with me?”

Sure, I got irritable and pissy, but I didn’t fly off the handle and kick the shit out of garbage bags. It was bad enough I’d tried to pick another fight with Chris. I’d be lucky if he didn’t quit or take Damen up on his offer and go work for him again.

Jamie gave me a wry smile. “You really want me to go there?”

“It’s not funny. I’m losing it. I need to talk to Tenley.” I tried to get around him.

“Whoa, hold up there. You need to get yourself together before you go check on her,” Jamie said. “You go see her in your current state and it’s going to make things a whole lot worse.”

“But I just let her leave. She’s got to know something’s up.”

“I’m sure she does, but she’s not in the headspace to be dealing with your baggage right now. So, like I said, you need to get a handle on what you’re going to say to her before you go over there.”

Jamie’s words felt like a punch to the gut. I couldn’t tell Tenley about my history with Sienna. Not now. The idea of explaining that complicated non-relationship wasn’t something I wanted to do. Ever. Sienna was right—Tenley, for all her markers of deviance, had never engaged in even a fraction of the debauchery I had. I didn’t want to think about what could happen to the fragile foundations of our bond if she knew about my past. The week leading up to this session proved how much I needed Tenley in my life, and Sienna was the one person who could jeopardize everything. I was fucking petrified.

“She told me what happened to her. It’s worse than I thought it would be.”

He nodded solemnly, like he expected as much. “Why don’t we go back inside, and we can figure things out?”

“Sienna’s gone?” I asked. If she was still in there, I might lose my mind permanently.

“I told her it would be best if she didn’t come by again.”

“Like that will stop her.”

“Probably not.” Jamie opened the steel door and ushered me inside.

Lisa rushed over. “I’m so sorry. If I’d known you were almost finished, I would have warned you she was here. I thought I could get rid of her, but she wouldn’t leave.”

“It’s okay,” I said, even though it wasn’t. Lisa was sensitive, and I didn’t want her to feel responsible for what happened.

“Are you sure?” she asked.

“Not really.”

Lisa put her arm around my waist and steered me toward her office. Chris had already gone home. Jamie shut off the lights in the main studio and dropped down on the corner of the desk. There was no point in beating around the bush.

“I don’t want to tell Tenley about Sienna.”

“You might not have much of a choice,” Jamie said.

Lisa shot him a disapproving look. “You don’t think she’ll understand?” she asked me.

“Would you?” I asked.

“Tenley and I aren’t the same person.”

“But would you be able to handle it if you were her? You said yourself you don’t think she’s got all that much in the way of experience. Based on what I’ve seen in the past week, I’m inclined to agree with you. You really think she’s going to be cool with finding out I banged a stripper on and off for a number of years? And that the reason for the rule is because my business partner got in on the action when I got bored? And I still went back for more after that anyway? How does that make me look? What kind of person does something like that?”

“It was a long time ago, Hayden. Things are different now. You’re different now.”

“People don’t change.”

“People adapt. You were young. The choices you made back then aren’t the same ones you would make now. Tenley is proof of that. It’s called personal growth.”

“I don’t know how to deal with this shit.” I shifted in my seat. I felt restless, unbound.

“That’s because you’ve never tried to before,” Jamie said.

Both Lisa and I looked at him. He was spinning a pen between his fingers.

“What? It’s true.” He rolled his eyes. “Sorry I don’t have the same soft touch as my woman. Sometimes you need to hear it straight, Hayden. I’ve known you for what, almost seven years?”

“Give or take,” I replied.

“And in all that time, I have never known you to spend an extended period of time with one person.”

“I’m with you guys all the time.”

Jamie shook his head. “Not the same.”

“Aside from Sienna, Tenley is the only person you’ve been with who you seem to actually care about,” Lisa said.

“I don’t give a fuck about Sienna.”

Jamie coughed.

“That’s not really the point, Hayden,” Lisa said. “Tenley is the point. You don’t have to tell her every detail of your past for her to accept you. She’s already done that. Tell her what she can handle right now and go from there. It doesn’t always have to be all or nothing.” Lisa sat down beside me. “We all know what it’s like to go through the kind of session she did tonight. She’s going to be emotional. I know why you reacted the way you did when you saw Sienna, but Tenley doesn’t. She’s important to you; make her feel that way.”

“I should be able to do that.” At least I thought I could.

Now more than ever I understood what Lisa meant about the intimacy of putting ink on someone I was into. Tenley’s pain affected me, and I wasn’t used to feeling helpless.

“You said she told you about her accident?” Jamie asked.

Our losses were so similar in some ways, and so different in others. I still didn’t know much about how she managed to survive. I imagined the things she saw would have been horrifying.

“She was in a plane crash. Her parents were with her . . . but they died.”

Lisa looked shocked. “She told you that during the session?”

I nodded.

“How did you handle it?”

Her concern over my reaction worried me. “I don’t know. Okay, I guess? I figured it would be bad, I just didn’t know how bad.”

Lisa looked at the clock. “You should go check on her.”

“Sorry I lost it.”

“You had good reason.” Lisa gave me an affectionate pat on the shoulder.

“Is Chris okay? I should probably call him.” I felt bad about using him as a scapegoat.

“Maybe give him the night to simmer down. He’s pretty upset about the Sienna thing, and not just because you went off on him,” Lisa replied.

I tried to call Tenley, but her phone kept going to voice mail, so I showed up unannounced. My plan was to say as little as possible about Sienna and focus on how Tenley was managing. By the time I got to her apartment, she’d been home almost an hour. I doubted she would be asleep, even if she was exhausted from the session.

Music came from inside her apartment; the bass made the floor vibrate. That could be good or bad. She cracked the door and peeked out at me.

“Hayden?” She looked confused and a little guarded. Her eyes were red, like she’d been crying. It made me feel like shit.

“I wanted to make sure you were okay after the session. I tried to call.”

“I took some Tylenol like you told me to.” She opened the door a little wider. A pungent, familiar aroma hit me.

“Are you high?” It was a stupid question; she most certainly was. Her eyes weren’t bloodshot because she’d been crying; she’d been hotboxing her apartment. I wanted to know where the hell she got the weed from. I’d put money on that Ian guy in her group.

“Shh.” She pressed a finger to her pouty lips and pulled me into the apartment. She stuck her head out into the hallway, probably checking to make sure the DEA weren’t onto her, then slammed the door shut, fumbling with the lock.

“I didn’t like your friend at the shop,” she said, winding her arms around my neck. Her lips connected with my chin. I could smell alcohol on her breath in addition to the substance she’d been smoking. Clearly her filter was gone, and with that, her inhibitions. Her hands slid down my back and went under my shirt.

“She’s not my friend,” I said, annoyed she hadn’t stopped at Tylenol. I hugged her back as best I could anyway. One hand rested at the nape of her neck, while the other had nowhere to go but her ass.

It was my fault she was in this state. I should have taken her home. I was about to ask her about her weed supplier when I heard footsteps coming from the direction of her bedroom.

“Who was at the door?” The body attached to the voice rounded the corner.

The waitress from The Dollhouse stopped short, her face registering surprise and then recognition. She looked so different fully dressed that I almost didn’t place her.

She pointed at me with one neatly manicured finger. In her other hand was a half-smoked joint. “You! I know you! You’re friends with that guy who keeps harassing me.”

Tenley was still wrapped around me, petting my arm. Her pupils were huge. I worried about what else she might have taken, given the cocktail of narcotics I’d seen in her medicine cabinet.

“What are you doing here?” I asked, unsure how they knew each other.

“I live across the hall. What are you doing here?”

Tenley’s neighbor worked in the strip club Sienna managed. Oh, the irony. “I’m checking on her tattoo,” I said, concerned about the information Sarah might impart to Sienna if given the opportunity, or vice versa.

“You’re doing what? Making a house call?” Her eyes narrowed with distrust.

“Calm down, I work across the street.” I needed to diffuse the situation.

“How do you two know each other?” Tenley slurred.

“Do you have any idea what kind of person he is?” Sarah jabbed her finger at me.

“What?” Tenley rubbed her temple, looking upset. “I don’t understand . . .”

“Your friend here,” Sarah pointed at me, “has quite the reputation where I work—”

I cut her off. “Sienna’s pathological. That’s who you’re talking about, right?” When she just stared, I barreled on. “Everything that comes out of her mouth is skewed. What I want to know is why you think it’s a good idea to get Tenley high and, from the look of it, drunk, when she’s just come out of a four-hour tattoo session.”

“Do you have any idea how hard this is for her? She came knocking on my door in tears because of this.” Sarah motioned to her back.

For the first time I noticed what Tenley was wearing. Her sweatshirt was loose and fell off one shoulder, exposing the cellophane that covered her back. There was no bra. For once I didn’t have an inappropriate reaction.

“That’s why I wanted her to take Tylenol, not get high and wasted. Alcohol is a blood thinner, for fuck sake.”

“I don’t mean how uncomfortable she is, you idiot. I mean why she wants the damn thing in the first place.”

“I can empathize,” I said indignantly. Sarah had no idea what I had been through. I understood Tenley’s loss far better than she could. “Losing her parents would have been painful.”

Tenley’s eyes widened in fear as Sarah’s widened in shock. She looked at Tenley. “Your parents? Is that what you told him?”

Here it was, the secret Tenley was keeping. I knew there had to be more behind her pain than what little I’d been told. And Sarah already knew more than me.

“Sarah, please don’t,” Tenley whispered. She gripped my forearm, ragged nails pressed into the skin.

But Sarah ignored her, and I wished she hadn’t, because it wasn’t how I wanted to know. “She didn’t just lose her parents, you stupid ass; she lost her whole family and all of her friends. She lost everyone, she even lost her—”

“Sarah!” Tenley yelled, and both of us looked at her, stunned to hear her raise her voice.

“Tenley?” I said quietly. The look on her face confirmed what Sarah said.

It was so much worse than I ever could have imagined. My parents’ deaths had been horrible, but this, this was beyond anything I could comprehend.

“Sarah, can you give us a minute,” Tenley asked, sounding empty and defeated.

“I’m not leaving.” Sarah put a hand on her hip and raised her eyebrow in challenge.

Tenley sighed. “I’m not asking you to, I’m just asking you to give us a minute, please.”

“I’m not going to kidnap her.” It might not have been a half-bad idea at this point.

“I’ll be in your bedroom.” Sarah glared over her shoulder at me as she walked away.

Tenley was staring at the floor. “Please don’t be mad at me.” She was crying. “I couldn’t tell you. I wouldn’t have made it through the outline.”

“I’m not mad, kitten,” I said, because now that I knew how deep her wounds ran, I couldn’t be. But I was mad at myself. This level of loss was exactly the kind of thing I worried about. Tenley was smart, which was likely part of the reason she kept the information from me in the first place. What she didn’t get was that I would have agreed even if I’d known, purely out of selfishness. I needed more answers, but I couldn’t ask questions now. Tenley was far too emotionally unstable as it was.

She buried her face in my chest, shaking as she mumbled apologies into my shirt.

“You don’t have to be sorry.” I kissed the top of her head and tried to reassure her.

The apologies continued, though, her words becoming less and less coherent as her crying escalated into sobs. I was way out of my element. Sarah appeared in the hallway, murder in her eyes until she realized Tenley was clinging to me. I must have looked horror-struck.

“Come on, Tenley.” Sarah tried to pry her away, not that I wanted her to; I just didn’t know what to do to make it better. I’d never felt so useless in my life.

Tenley became more hysterical when Sarah tried to peel her off me. She wasn’t even holding her own weight anymore. Afraid she might damage the fresh ink, or herself, I slid one hand under Tenley’s knees and picked her up. Her grief and anguish spilled onto my shirt as the storm inside her swelled and exploded. It was bound to happen. Committing that much ink to her skin could make old wounds feel new again. Add a cocktail of drugs and alcohol, and a breakdown was assured.

I carried her to her bedroom. Sarah followed, obviously not pleased with the situation, but I didn’t care. It was her fault Tenley was messed up in the first place and my fault she sought that kind of escape.

Tenley stayed that way for a long time, curled up in my lap, hands fisting my shirt as tears poured out of her. I wanted this to help her, but I was all too familiar with how little difference it made. Finally the tears stopped and she hiccupped little, stunted sobs. Her body relaxed as her breathing evened out.

Sarah turned down the covers and helped untangle Tenley from me, and together we laid her down on her side. TK snuggled into her hair immediately. Tenley’s face was red and blotchy; a heavy line creased her brow right above the bridge of her nose. Even in her sleep she looked haunted. Pulling the sheets over her, I dropped a kiss on her cheek. When she was settled, I followed Sarah into the hall.

“What’s going on between you two?”

“I don’t think that’s any of your business.” If Tenley wanted Sarah to know, she would have told her. And besides, I didn’t know how to define what we were. I wasn’t just her tattooist, and we definitely weren’t just fucking. At least it didn’t feel like fucking. It felt better.

“Oh, that’s where we’re going to disagree. I think it is my business. Your friend practically lives at The Dollhouse right now, and I’ve heard some stories about you that aren’t very flattering.”

I moved into the living room, farther away from Tenley in case the discussion got more heated.

“From Sienna?” I asked, bitter that no matter what I did, that part of my past kept coming up.

“Among others.”

“Look, I care about Tenley. I know she’s been through a lot. Until tonight I didn’t know how bad it was, but I won’t take advantage of her.” This was not how I’d expected things to go this evening. I’d wanted to crawl into bed with Tenley and stay with her through the hard parts, not defend myself against a past that kept kicking me in the balls. “I know what the rumors are. I can’t and won’t deny that some of them are probably true. I was a screwed-up kid, and I’m not proud of some of my choices. Sienna enjoys messing with people. I haven’t had anything to do with her in over a year, despite what she might tell you.”

“You know how bad she makes you out to be?”

“Sienna likes to play the victim, but believe me when I tell you she’s not. And when she is, it’s only because she chooses to be, and it’s usually at the expense of others.” I dropped down on the couch.

“You shared a lap dance the night you were at the club.”

“That was coercion, not choice,” I said. My regret over it made my stomach turn.

“I’m sure that girl forced you to sit there while she dry-humped your lap.”

I barely knew Tenley when that happened. Not that it made a difference. I still wanted her then. “My friend Chris, the one who’s stalking you? He was there to see you. He bought me the dance even though I told him not to, repeatedly. I didn’t want to offend the girl. I know it doesn’t make me look good and I get that, but I can’t take it back. Tenley’s important to me, more than you know. Why do you think I’m here?”

“For reasons other than the obvious? Why should I believe you?”

“Heard anything at night lately?”

“What?”

“Tenley has nightmares. Have you heard anything lately?”

“Not lately, but what does . . .”

“You want to know why that is? Because I’ve been here with her. I’ve been taking care of her.”

“I’m sure you have,” she said sardonically.

“You’re twisting my words. That’s not what this is about. She needs me and I need her. Don’t try and take her away from me.” The thought made my chest uncomfortable.

She glowered at me. “I’ll have you castrated if you hurt her.”

I nodded, not bothering to argue the case for my dick. Besides, Sarah had information I needed. “Was the accident less than a year ago?”

“It’s been close to eleven months now.”

“Fuck.” So, Tenley had been honest about that part. “How many people did she lose?”

I did and didn’t want the answer to this question. Sarah’s silence was suffocating, and after several long moments I looked up to see her twisting her hands in her lap. Her eyes were glassy with unshed tears. “Nine.”

She had lost so much more than her parents.

“There were only thirteen survivors,” Sarah whispered. “Everyone she loved was on that plane, and she was the only one who made it out.”

I put my hand up. I didn’t want to hear any more, even though there was so much I still needed to know. I wasn’t going to get the whole story tomorrow, or the next day, for that matter. Just like I had given her a piece of my past while keeping the rest safely tucked away, Tenley had done the same.

“You see now?”

I did. Tenley wasn’t just broken; she was shattered.