Clipped Wings

29

TENLEY

I could feel Hayden’s eyes on me in the silence that followed. He took another step closer, his hand rising, and I felt the whisper of his fingers floating over my hair.

“I never wanted to hurt you.” The pain inside my chest echoed in his words.

His shoes barely made a sound as he headed for the door. Once he was gone, I let the sob that had been choking me free. Tears slid down my cheeks, blurring my vision. TK jumped up on the counter and into my lap. I folded myself around her, hugging her as I was consumed by the hollowness carved out in my chest. Karma had finally come to claim me. It was right. Just. I shouldn’t have the one person I wanted, because I’d been responsible for killing the one I hadn’t wanted enough.

Nothing that happened tonight should have surprised me, but still I was left reeling. Hayden claimed he hadn’t had a relationship with Sienna. Maybe not in the traditional sense, but to me it counted, in spite of the dysfunction. Four years was a long time to spend with someone.

Connor and I had only been together for three. Even then, we’d broken up for a short time during my last year of college, when the stress of our long-distance relationship had interfered with our goals. It had been difficult. Painful. But I couldn’t tell Hayden. There was already so much on the table that if I added anything else, the legs would collapse. I wasn’t in any frame of mind to deal with something like this. Not now.

The door to my apartment opened. I swiped at my eyes with the back of my hand, afraid Hayden had returned, but it was Sarah.

“Are you okay?” she asked.

“Not really.” I hiccupped.

She closed the door and crossed the room, pausing to grab a box of tissues on the way. She handed me one and I wiped my eyes, but those stupid tears kept falling.

“What happened? What did he say to you?”

“Nothing that should have surprised me. I asked him to leave.”

“Yeah. I got that. Chris just took him home.” Sarah pushed my hair over my shoulders. “Whatever he said must have been bad if you’re this upset.”

“He had a relationship with Sienna. He was with her for years; there didn’t seem to be many boundaries.”

Sarah sighed. “Chris gave me the impression it was a long time ago. From what I know, Hayden and Sienna don’t have anything to do with each other anymore.”

“She came to Inked Armor while I was there, and she was all over him tonight. Obviously there’s still something there,” I replied, pulling another tissue from the box. The more I thought about it, the more ill I felt. “I don’t want to share him.”

“What? Why would you have to do that? Is that what Hayden said?”

“No, but what if he loses interest in me? He can say he won’t, but who knows what could happen in a few weeks or months? I can’t allow myself to get more attached to him. I can’t get hurt like that again. Just thinking about it . . .” I choked on the words and the fear.

Sarah drew me into a hug.

I didn’t work for the two days following Lisa’s engagement party, which was a relief. I needed the time and the space from everyone. Hayden called several times, but I let it go to voice mail, afraid I wouldn’t be able to hold it together if I talked to him. I was having difficulty as it was. Being apart from him hurt. After twenty-four hours of silence on my part, he sent a text message asking to come over and talk. I told him I wasn’t ready yet.

My sleep was riddled with nightmares, but they weren’t about the crash. They were a replay of what I saw in Lisa’s bathroom; Sienna’s hands all over Hayden. In the dream he didn’t try to push her away. Instead he pulled her closer. Before he slammed the door in my face, he told me I was too damaged to love.

I woke to a pillow wet with tears. It was early, but I had no hope of going back to sleep, so I got up and prepared to face the day. I covered the dark circles under my eyes with concealer and packed antianxiety pills in my bag. Considering how unhinged I felt, I doubted my ability to make it through the day without them. I’d done so well over the past couple of weeks. Ever since the outline of the tattoo had healed up, I hadn’t taken more than regular Tylenol. Being around Hayden had made everything manageable; without him it was hard again. He had become a new addiction, one far more dangerous than pills. He had the power to hurt me in ways a dependency on painkillers could not.

I left early and drove to campus on autopilot. As soon as I was parked, I popped an antianxiety pill, letting it dissolve under my tongue. I sat in my car for a good half hour, waiting for the calm to take over. It helped alleviate the buzz in my head and my body, but the empty feeling inside remained.

Later, after I finished teaching my seminar class, I went down to my office to mark essays and clock a few hours on my thesis. Ian stopped by and asked if I wanted to hit the pub, but he was alone and I didn’t feel like dealing with him without the buffer of at least one of the other guys.

It was already evening by the time I finished with the essays and my research. I packed up my laptop and rubbed my eyes. I’d been at it for hours, and while I didn’t want to be home alone, I didn’t have the focus left to be productive. I shrugged into my coat and limped across the room, my hip stiff from sitting for so long. I needed a bathroom before I tackled the drive home. I was just about to leave when there was a knock. If it was Ian again, it was possible I just might take him up on the offer to go for a beer. Hanging out with him would be better than being in my apartment, which said a lot about my state of mind.

I opened the door to find Professor Calder on the other side, the most recent copy of my thesis tucked under his arm. It was Monday, and our next meeting wasn’t until a week from Wednesday. I could only assume his seeking me out meant he had further issues with my newest research.

“Ah, Miss Page, I wondered if I would find you here. Working hard?”

“I was just on my way home.” I looked beyond him at the empty expanse of hallway and wished I’d left five minutes earlier. I didn’t have the patience to deal with him.

“I’ve had a look at your most recent additions. It’s starting to take shape.” He held up the fistful of papers marked in red. “However, I’m afraid it’s still rather elementary. I was under the impression you’d read the articles I provided, but I see no evidence in here.”

I bit the inside of my lip, irritation flaring. I was done with his less-than-subtle attempts to bring me down. “I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that,” I said, choosing my words carefully. “The articles are quite fascinating, and it’s definitely a topic I’m interested in learning more about. However, it’s not quite the direction I anticipated taking my thesis.”

“That’s rather unfortunate, don’t you think?”

“Excuse me?”

His smile was vulturine as he assessed me. “I wonder if you’ve given any more thought to my offer.”

My heart stuttered and the hairs on the back of my neck stood on end. I glanced to the right, at the six-inch gap between his shoulders and the doorjamb.

“You still seem to be struggling to ground your thesis in solid findings, even with my guidance. Wouldn’t you like this whole process to be easier?”

“I’m sorry, Professor.” I gave him a syrupy smile. “I’m a little unclear as to what your offer entails. Do you think you could provide a few examples of what you expect with this more ‘hands-on approach’? That is how you described it, isn’t it?”

His smile faltered. “You’re an intelligent woman. I’m sure you can figure it out.”

In that moment I saw him for what he truly was—a predatory has-been who coerced his students to trade sex for grades. “Interesting you would say that, considering how much it conflicts with your general assessments of my research.”

His expression hardened and he took another step toward me, but I raised my hand to prevent him from getting any closer. I was done being pushed around, by him or anyone else. I wouldn’t allow him that kind of power over me.

“How many students do you offer these opportunities to, Professor?”

He blinked, like he hadn’t expected me to question him. I was certain he was unaccustomed to being challenged. When there was no response other than his looming over me in his tweed jacket, I took the draft of my thesis from him.

“Shall I assume it’s safe to reschedule our next meeting, since we’ve already discussed my thesis now?” I moved toward the narrow gap between him and the doorjamb and waited for him to step aside. When he didn’t, I prompted him further. “If you’ll excuse me, I need to be heading home.”

He seemed to recover himself. He stepped aside and swept his hand out. “Of course, Miss Page. I’ll see you two weeks from Wednesday. Have a lovely evening.”

I strode quickly down the hall and threw myself into the elevator, gritting my teeth against the panic as I descended to the ground floor. It was already dark when I got outside, and I headed for my car as quickly as I could with my limp. I fumbled with my keys and dropped into the driver’s seat. Slamming the door shut, I punched the lock button before I started the engine and turned on the heat. I couldn’t believe I’d done it. I’d stood up to Professor Calder! Hayden would have been proud.

The elation was short-lived, however, considering where things stood with Hayden. I tried not to cry, but I was drained and couldn’t manage all the emotions. It had been less than forty-eight hours since I’d spoken to Hayden, and I already felt like I was in the throes of withdrawal.

I remembered how difficult it was after I left the hospital and the morphine haze lifted. Reality was an ice bath of agony. This was unnervingly similar. I hadn’t realized how much I’d come to depend on Hayden in the short time we’d been together. The urge to call him was almost debilitating. I pulled out my phone with unsteady hands and punched in the code. I’d missed several calls and messages over the course of the day. Many of them were from Hayden. The most recent text message brought on a fresh wave of tears. Three simple words:

I miss you.

I wanted so badly to give in, to ask him to come over and stay with me, to erase all the hurt. But if I did, it meant allowing this new addiction. I wasn’t so sure it was any better. It definitely wasn’t safer for my already shattered heart. Particularly not after all that revelation on Saturday.

I put my phone away. The drive seemed to take forever. My solace came in the form of a bottle of wine and more antianxiety medication when I finally got home. There was a knock on my door about an hour later. By that time I was in a medicated, alcohol-numbed fog. It was barely after nine.

I wobbled over and looked through the little peephole. Sarah was standing on the other side, arms crossed over her chest.

“Hey,” I slurred, “come on in. Want some wine?”

“Um, okay,” she said, frowning as she looked me over. “How are you? I sent you a message earlier. I got worried when I didn’t hear from you.”

“Sorry about that, it was a rough day.” I went to the fridge and retrieved the bottle of white; there was an inch left in the bottom.

“Was that all you?” she asked, brow arched.

“I have more.” I grabbed a fresh bottle from the fruit crisper. Wine was made out of fruit; it was a logical place to store it. I unscrewed the cap and poured Sarah a glass, sloshing liquid over the rim. It pooled on the counter, but Hayden wasn’t here to get all anal about it, so I didn’t wipe it up.

“You do know getting drunk alone is the sign of a problem, right?” she asked, taking a sip.

“I’m not alone anymore, so I guess that solves the problem.” I had to concentrate hard on making it to the couch without weaving.

“Have you talked to Hayden yet?”

I shook my head and took a gulp of wine.

“How long are you going to shut him out?”

“I have to work tomorrow. I’m sure I’ll see him then.”

She chewed on her bottom lip, like she was debating something. “I know what happened at Lisa’s was messed up, and it’s totally justifiable for you to need some space, but it’s pretty obvious he cares about you. Chris said he’s never seen Hayden like this with anyone. Not ever, and they’ve been friends for like seven years or something.”

“You talked to Chris again?”

She nodded and ducked her head. “He gave me his number. Well, he’s done that before, but I threw it out a bunch of times. This time I kept it. He wants to take me out for drinks.”

“You should go.” I liked Chris. Sometimes he acted more like a kid than a grown man, but he was funny and sweet.

“I told him I’d think about it. But seriously, you should talk to Hayden.”

“I don’t know.”

“What’s not to know? You’re into him, he’s into you, you had a misunderstanding, clear the air.”

“It’s not that simple.”

Sarah sighed. “Look, I get that this has to be hard for you, but you’re miserable, and from what Chris says, so is Hayden. Why go on torturing yourself?”

“I don’t know how to deal with the Sienna thing,” I admitted.

“There’s nothing to deal with, though. Hayden isn’t with her anymore, and Chris said he hasn’t had anything to do with her in forever. If anything, Hayden can’t stand to be near her.”

“I just wish he’d said something before the party so I was prepared.”

But that wasn’t the biggest issue. Seeing that woman with her hands on him made me frighteningly aware of the depth of my feelings for Hayden. My heart was already in pieces as it was. If he broke it again I would never recover. I drained the rest of my wine and stood up, intent on getting a refill. Unfortunately my balance was off, and I dropped back down.

“You’re way hammered. When did you start on the wine?” She took my glass from me and headed for the kitchen, where she rinsed it out and filled it with water instead.

“I told you it was a rough day.”

She handed me the glass. Water was probably a good idea, considering I already had the beginnings of a headache. “Talking to Hayden might help that,” she replied.

“That’s only part of the problem. My professor keeps trying to solicit me for sex,” I mumbled.

“What did you just say?”

“Sorry, I’m overreacting. It’s not like he put his hands on me or anything . . .” I didn’t want to make a big deal of it.

“You should report him.”

“I’ve taken care of it.”

“How?” Sarah asked.

“I called him out. I don’t think he expected it, and he backed off. I promise I’ll report him if he says anything again.”

“I really don’t think you should wait to do that.”

My phone rang, saving me from yet another unpleasant discussion. I checked the screen. It was Trey. His calls were growing in frequency. I never answered them or listened to the messages; I wasn’t interested in being berated or hearing another lecture on why I should hand over the house to him. I silenced the call.

“Who was it?”

“Nobody important. So tell me more about this possible date with Chris.”

Lisa was the first person to stop in at Serendipity the following day. Cassie was puttering around in the stacks, looking for a few books. I hadn’t told Cassie about the problems with Hayden, and she hadn’t mentioned anything. Lisa didn’t bring up the topic of Hayden in front of Cassie, either, which led me to believe Cassie wasn’t in the know. With a tense smile Lisa told me I should come by Inked Armor later. I said I would, even though I wasn’t sure.

What Sarah said last night made me more confused, not less. While the situation with Sienna was a point of contention, it wasn’t my biggest problem. And it wasn’t just the secrets I was keeping. Hayden would be hurt when I told him the truth. But more than that, I was only now beginning to see how damaged he was, too. If my having a fiancé who died less than a year ago didn’t ruin things between us, my growing dependency on him could.

My anxiety snowballed as the worries percolated. It got so bad during my shift at Serendipity that I ended up in the bathroom. I hadn’t eaten since the morning, so when I threw up, it was all bile. Cassie sent me home early and told me not to come in the next day. I tried to argue, but she wouldn’t have it. I went out the back door so no one from Inked Armor would notice my departure.

I was curled up in bed, snuggling with TK, when a message came through on my phone. It was Hayden, checking to make sure I was okay. I replied that it was probably the flu and I’d be fine by tomorrow. Twenty minutes later he called. I let it ring three times before I gave in to the impulse to pick it up.

“Hi,” I rasped, my throat sore.

“Hey. Cassie told me you were sick.” Hayden cleared his throat—he sounded so unsure. “Anyway, I uh—I know you don’t want to see me right now, but I left some ginger ale and soda crackers outside your apartment ’cause I know you don’t have shit for food.”

I smiled even as my eyes welled with tears. I missed him so much that I ached.

“Thank you.” My voice broke.

“Tenley? Shit. What’s wrong?”

“I’m okay. I just don’t feel well.” The lie sounded horrible even to me.

“Can I come over? I know things aren’t fixed between us, but it’s been three days. I just want to make sure you’re all right.” There was silence for a few seconds. “I don’t expect to stay. Please don’t say no.”

Sarah was right. I was torturing myself. Saying yes might be the wrong thing to do, but I did anyway. Hayden was at my door almost as soon as I hung up the phone. He stood there with a bag of groceries tucked under his arm. There were circles under his eyes to match mine, and he hadn’t shaved today.

“Can I come in?”

Almost paralyzed by the desire to put my arms around him, I had to command my body to move back and allow him through the door. He took off his shoes and arranged them neatly on the mat. His jacket stayed on, however. He crossed over to the counter and began unpacking the groceries, sorting them into perishables and nonperishables. He opened the fridge and hesitated. We usually did groceries on Sundays. I hadn’t had much of an appetite, so I hadn’t bothered to go myself. If he was upset with me over it, he didn’t say anything. Instead he put everything away while I sat on one of the stools across from him, my legs too unsteady to keep me upright.

When he was done, he poured a can of ginger ale into a glass. Then he dumped a teaspoon of sugar into it and stirred.

“What are you doing?”

“Taking out the fizz. My mom used to do this when I was sick as a kid. It’s easier on your stomach.”

He slid the glass across the counter when all the bubbles were gone. My fingers grazed his as I took it from him. The fleeting contact wasn’t enough.

“Thanks for letting me come by,” Hayden said. He went over to the sink, wrinkled his nose at the dishcloth, and got out a brand-new one. The wine from the night before had dried on the counter, leaving behind a sticky residue. He wiped it down.

“You don’t have to clean my apartment.” I took a sip of the ginger ale. It tasted like heaven.

“I don’t mind.” He turned back to me and leaned on the counter. His hand swept over the surface, moving in my direction but not touching. “No offense, but you don’t look so good right now.”

I was still in the clothes I’d worn to work, rumpled now because I’d been lying down. My hair was in a ponytail, but I was sure there were flyaways sticking out all over the place. I’d barely slept over the past three days, and I’d been puking. I was sure Hayden was being kind in his assessment.

He chewed on his viper bites uncertainly. “Maybe I could put you to bed?”

“I don’t—”

“Shit. Sorry. I don’t mean it like that. I know you don’t want that from me, and I get it. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about Sienna. It’s not a good time to talk about it and I get that, too, but I’m still sorry. I didn’t want to hurt you or mess up this thing between us, which is what I’ve done anyway.” He took a deep breath and kept going. “It’s okay if you don’t want to be with me anymore. Well, that’s not really true, but I’d understand. Maybe we could be friends instead or something? I still feel . . . I don’t know what I feel, but I could try to be friends if that’s what you need. I’d rather have that than nothing. I just want to take care of you. I miss you. Maybe I could stay for a bit, until you’re settled or you fall asleep or whatever you want.”

I rolled the glass between my palms, listening to the ice cubes clink against the sides. It had been so difficult for him to be honest with me, and here I was still lying through omission. I told him what truth I could. “I don’t think I can be just friends with you.”

His head dropped. “I knew I’d fuck this up. Lisa warned me not to get too intense.”

I reached out and ran my finger along the vine peeking out from under his sleeve. “You’re misunderstanding. Friends isn’t enough for me—unless you think it’s better that way.”

His eyes lifted, widening with surprise. He came around the counter and stopped when he was in front of me, close enough to touch. “Fuck, no. I want you, only you, all of you, for as long as I can have you.”

I grabbed his shirt and pulled him closer, parting my legs so he could step between them. I wrapped my arms around his waist. He was tentative at first, and then he hugged me hard, his nose buried in my hair, his lips against my neck.

“I missed you,” I said into his chest, enveloped in his warm embrace. The anxiety and the nausea abated, followed by a heady wave of calm.

“I thought I was going to lose you,” he whispered.

“I need you too much for that to happen,” I told him.

I wasn’t sure if that was good or bad anymore.