Constant Fear

CHAPTER 13

Laura.

Jake shut off the Tahoe’s headlamps, but the spot over the front door shone down on Laura as if she were the focus of some play.

On the pitching mound, feelings didn’t matter, actions did. After baseball, Jake had continued to use actions to dampen his feelings. In this instant, all that changed. Emotions came at Jake so hard and so fast, he had to sit in the truck a moment to get his bearings.

Eventually Jake got out, but Andy didn’t budge. He looked weak, stunned, and could only stare openmouthed at his mother.

Jake approached Laura with caution, as if fast footsteps or a sudden movement might scare her off. The pounding of his heart drowned out all sound. Jake stopped a few feet from the front stairs and tried to relax his jaw muscles.

Laura took a drag from her cigarette and blew the smoke out the side of her mouth. Her head was tilted to the right, and her long, blond hair cascaded across her shoulders in a way Jake remembered and adored. It was brisk outside, and Laura was dressed for the weather in a thick green parka, jeans, and hiking boots.

Laura’s car was parked off to the side in the little pullout used to make a three-point turn. It made Jake sort of sad to see Laura driving a Chevy, a beat-up Impala, because she was always so proud of her fancy cars. Laura had left them with hope of having a better life. Up close, it was clear she had been chasing that dream ever since, and the years had been harder on her than they had been on Jake.

While Laura had smoked some in high school, she’d shelved the habit after they married, occasionally having a cigarette or two when they went out for drinks. It appeared that Laura had made it a habit once more. Jake could see where her skin had wrinkled and puffiness marred the underside of her eyes. But nothing truly dampened her beauty; and while Laura’s hair was less lustrous than he remembered, her mouth was the same as ever.

“Hi, Jake. You look good.”

Jake scratched at his head, trying to make sense of it all. His emotions went wild. He was exhilarated, dazed, and angry. He’d never experienced anything like this before. He could only imagine how Andy was feeling.

“What are you doing here, Laura?”

Laura stood and took a few steps toward him. Her eyes were like two warm pools, inviting him inside, pleading to forgive and forget.

“I’ve been thinking about you, about us,” Laura said.

She came closer. Every move-the dip of her shoulder, that playful upturn of her mouth, a slight list of her head to one side-it was all so Laura, so familiar to Jake. He could tell right away she was flirting, acting coy, and gauging his reaction to see if he, too, could pretend she had never walked away.

But he couldn’t play along. Jake folded his arms across his chest, closing himself off. Laura took another step toward him, and Jake turned his head to look back at Andy. His son was sitting inside the truck, eyes lowered. He couldn’t watch, and Jake couldn’t blame him.

“This isn’t right, Laura,” Jake said. “You shouldn’t have come around here like this. Better if you had called. Given us some warning.”

Laura was close enough to reach out and touch Jake’s shoulder. When she did, he didn’t flinch. He didn’t feel a spark, either, like he had when they first started to date in high school. Still, something was there, a little echo from the love they once had shared.

Laura said, “I didn’t want you to say no.”

It was exactly how Laura would think.

Laura peered over Jake’s shoulder at the Tahoe. “Is he in there? Is that Andy?”

Jake nodded. “He’s in there, but I’m not calling for him. If he wants to talk to you, he’ll open the door himself.”

Laura looked surprised. “He knows it’s me?” she asked.

The hopefulness in Laura’s voice again made Jake feel sorry for her. She’d missed so much of the good stuff. Andy had given Jake’s life shape and purpose, and Laura had spurned it all to chase down the hope of a better tomorrow. But what was she really chasing? An easier life? More money? Jake had never thought Laura stopped loving her son, but she did stop loving her life. For that, Andy had paid the heaviest price.

“I gave him a book of pictures,” Jake said. “You haven’t changed much, Laura. It’s still you.”

Laura gave an indifferent shrug, but her act didn’t fool Jake. She was clearly pleased by the compliment. “Has he talked about me much?” she asked.

“Your name has come up a few times.”

Laura smiled, and Jake broke away from her gaze. He couldn’t stare at her for long without seeing the past. Plenty of good memories offset the bad. Of course there were the fights, the blame and shame for the accident, dishes shattered against the kitchen wall, but time brushed clean the intensity of those memories-the good feelings that came from being in Laura’s presence were easy for Jake to recall.

At the stadium, she had been a fixture in the stands-always cheering him on, her voice carrying above the others, filling him with encouragement. In bed, Laura had been inventive and uninhibited, and her touch was not easily forgotten. In a way, Laura’s sudden arrival made Jake fully aware of his growing feelings for Ellie. Laura was the past, whereas Ellie could very well be his future.

Laura reached for another smoke, but something made her put the pack away. “How’d you know I was here?” Jake asked.

“Facebook,” Laura said.

“Facebook?”

“I’m friends with Andy.”

“Oh, shit, Laura.”

“Of course I didn’t tell him it was me. I used a picture of a girl I… I know.”

From the way Laura paused, Jake suspected the picture was the daughter of a man she’d been with. Maybe her own daughter-what did he know?

“You’re going to have to tell him about the Facebook account.”

“I will,” Laura said.

There was a moment of silence that Jake wanted to fill, but he couldn’t find the words.

“Where have you been?” he finally asked.

“Around,” Laura said. “A lot of time in California. The last couple of years I’ve been living with my mom. She died a few months ago.”

Jake’s eyes became downcast. He’d always been fond of Laura’s mom and dad. However, after Laura left, they withdrew from Jake and from Andy, feeling it wouldn’t be fair to Andy to be a part of his life. He was too young to know them, and their presence would have been confusing and a reminder of his mother’s abandonment. Jake didn’t agree. Why deprive a child of his grandparents? But the decision was made and final. Laura didn’t just remove herself from the family; she took all the relationships tethered to her as well.

“I’m so sorry, Laura. Your mom was a wonderful woman.”

“My dad’s been doing okay, but he misses her.”

“Is that why you came looking for me? For us?”

Laura got a faraway look in her eyes. “I guess Mom’s passing put things in a different light.”

“Yeah, I guess.”

The silence returned.

“What do you want, Laura?”

Laura tried to swallow a sob, but her tight lips couldn’t hold it in. “I want to see my son. I want to see Andy. I want so much.” Tears pooled in her eyelids and fell freely, and her body convulsed as she gasped while weeping. “I’m so sorry. I’ve messed so much up.”

Jake took a step toward her. The instinct to comfort had not abated with the years. But he stopped and turned at the sound of a car door opening. He saw Andy approaching, hands stuffed into the pocket of his sweatshirt, eyes cast down.

Andy stopped a few feet away from Laura. “You think you can just show up here and start to cry and make me feel sorry for you? How about my tears? I don’t think you felt sorry for a single one.”

Laura brushed her eyes clear with the back of her hand.

“Please, Andy. Let’s talk.”

“There’s nothing to talk about.”

Andy sprinted for the woods. Laura got ready to pursue him, but Jake lowered his arm like a barricade and held her in place.

“Where’s he’s going?” she asked.

“He wants to be alone,” Jake said.

“In the woods by himself? Aren’t you going to go after him?”

Jake couldn’t suppress a smile. “Trust me, Laura, he’ll be more than all right on his own out there. Where are you staying?”

Laura craned her neck to look back at the trailer.

“Any extra room here?”

Jake chortled. “You’re really something,” he said. “If the circumstances were different, I’d honestly be tempted. I won’t lie to you. I’ve always cared for you, and I’ve missed you. I want to know where you’ve been all these years, what happened to you. I want to know it all. But this is Andy’s home, too, and we’ve got to respect him.”

“You’re seeing somebody, aren’t you?” Laura asked.

“I am.”

“Do you love her?”

Jake thought a beat. “I do.”

And maybe soon, I’ll even tell her that myself.

Jake fished sixty dollars out of his wallet. “There’s a Motel 6 a couple miles down Route 120. I’ll give you my number. You can check in with me in the morning and we’ll see about getting you and Andy together. But it’s going to be up to him, not me, to make it happen.”

Laura nodded. She obviously wasn’t thrilled, but she took the proffered cash anyway. “Thanks, Jake. You always were a sweetheart.”

“Yeah, maybe so,” Jake said. “But you’re going to do something for me.”

“What’s that?”

“You’re going to unfriend Andy. Tonight. Find a computer and get it done. If you’re going to come back into our son’s life, you’re going to do it with honesty.”

Again Jake thought of Ellie, and he knew she deserved the same.