Every Day is an Atheist Holiday!

HAVE A NICE EASTER, YOU CHRISTIANS YOU

MY BUDDY MATT STONE SAID that The Book of Mormon (the best show I’ve ever seen), the musical he wrote with Trey Parker, was “a love letter to religion, written by an atheist.” I’d like to add a couple X’s and O’s to the bottom of that love letter and sign my name. Christians have treated me fairly. When they disagree with me they represent my position fairly. I don’t believe in god. I’m an atheist. I mock religion. They say that about me. They argue with me. They pray for me. They give me Bibles and have their children write me letters begging me to try to see the light. They send me tweets about how they hope I’ll find god. Sometimes they say that I’m going to be punished in hell. I consider all that fair. A very small number have accused me of being a Satan worshipper, but I think that’s simple ignorance. I just have to explain to them that if I were going to have faith I wouldn’t pick the side that loses.

I used to date an Israeli woman. She was in this country illegally and she was thrown out of Israel, as far as I could tell, for being too pro-Jewish. She claimed that The New York Times was anti-Semitic. She spoke nine languages. We couldn’t get in a cab in NYC without her talking to the driver in his native tongue. She was just stupid sexy and wicked smart. We hung out with her Israeli friends, and they would talk Hebrew and I would sit there wondering if they were talking about me. Her being in the country illegally was really sexy to me. At the time we were dating, Penn & Teller were regulars on Saturday Night Live, and I was invited to a lot of premieres and red carpet events. I would bring her as my date, and since there were photographers and she was illegal, she would cover her face as we walked in. I fancied that her hidden identity made people wonder who it was who couldn’t be seen with me. I still like that thought. I hope someone is still wondering.

It’s really hard to break up with someone from a different culture. Every relationship problem we had could be blamed on cultural differences and misunderstanding. “No, baby, the problem is that you didn’t realize that was a reference to The Flintstones, it was a joke about Fred talking to Wilma, I wasn’t really saying that to you personally—it’s a cultural thing. By the way, do you know The Flintstones theme song? Let me sing it for you.… ‘Through the courtesy of Fred’s two feet’ is the line there. Yeah, it’s hard to understand even for an American. And you know, the chord changes in that are standard jazz changes, called ‘rhythm changes,’ from the chord progression of ‘I Got Rhythm’ and a zillion other jazz songs.…” How can you break up when you can fall back on that shit? I loved the cultural misunderstandings with her. I laughed harder in bed with her than I’ve ever laughed during sex. The first time she used the word “schmuck” for my penis, she used it like a sex word, like “cock” or something. I said, “What?”

“It means ‘cock.’ I thought you knew that.”

“Of course I know that, but it doesn’t mean ‘cock’ like that, it means ‘cock’ like ‘dick.’”

“Yes.”

“But it’s not a sexy word, it’s a comic word. This western Massachusetts goy learned it from Lenny Bruce. When Lenny was busted for using it as a dirty Yiddish word for penis, he said something like, ‘Tell me how it means “penis” in this sentence: “I, like a schmuck, drove all the way to Jersey.”’”

She didn’t really understand, and after a little more manipulation of my schmuck, I was fine with her calling it whatever she wanted. In the Israeli army she had shot guns at people. She had pointed guns at people and pulled the trigger. I think she’s the only person I’ve ever had sex with who has done that. She wasn’t the only person I’ve had sex with who could kill me, but she was the only one who might have an idea what it would really feel like. I got in my head I wanted to hear the most offensive word in the world, so I asked her what she called Arabs. I wanted to hear what pure hate sounded like. I wanted to hear the word and the translation. She asked me what I meant. I told her a few of the hateful words for Jews that we have in English. She knew the words, but she couldn’t understand what I was asking her for. I said, “You tried to kill Arabs. You fought them. You hate them. What’s the worst word you can use for them?” She thought for a moment and said, “‘Arab.’ It’s just the word for Arab.” Wow. Of course it’s just Arab.

A few years after that, there was a guy named Dave who really pissed me off. I got away from him, and in the privacy of my home I called him all sorts of names—“motherfucker,” “asshole,” “dickwad,” “shithead,” “cunt pickle”—but none of them felt right in my mouth. None of them were bad enough. All of a sudden my Israeli girlfriend’s simple truth came back to me. He is Dave! What a fucking Dave. That felt right.

The worst word possible is simply “Arab,” a name both sides agree on. It’s deeper than an insult, it’s not a line in the sand, it’s an intellectual difference. It crossed over from insult and comes out the other side as respect. When Christians are showing their disapproval of me, they call me “atheist.” It’s the word I use for myself, and to them, it’s a bad thing. “Infidel,” “Heathen,” “Godless”—they’re all insults and they’re all the truth. It’s the deepest insult possible, because there’s no bullshit insult—we agree on what I am, it’s just they think it’s wrong. There’s no Yankee Doodle required. We all agree on what I am.

We atheists need to do that more. I’ve used the word “theist” for someone to let a fellow atheist know that this is someone who I fundamentally disagree with. That seems fair. But I try to only say about them what they’ve said about themselves. If they use the word “Fundamentalist,” I’ll use that—that’s more wacky shit they believe. Same with “Evangelical,” “Catholic,” and “Mormon.” I try not to use things that could be said about the Westboro Baptist Church to attack someone who is a Congregationalist.

So, this Easter, I would like to apologize for all the atheists who have called you true believers “racist” and “sexist,” when you’re not. I would like to apologize for the atheists who have called you stupid when you’re not. I’ll just call you “Christians,” and let’s leave it at that.

But fucking Dave, man, what a fucking Christian schmuck.