Every Day is an Atheist Holiday!

AND SPEAKING OF… KEVIN POLLAK NEEDS TO PLAY HOUDINI IN A GREAT MOVIE

IT’S A PAIN IN MY ASS THAT KEVIN POLLAK IS FUNNY. It makes him fun to have supper with, and he was good in The Aristocrats telling dirty jokes, but it fucks up my dream. My dream is to have Kevin Pollak play Houdini. Hey, Martin Luther King got his dream—what the fuck am I, chopped liver? Kevin looks like Houdini. Kevin sounds like Houdini (Kevin always sounds really lo-fi recorded on an Edison cylinder). In the world I want to live in, Kevin is playing Houdini in a movie that isn’t campy like Tony Curtis’s, or jive-ass like that Broadway musical with Hugh Jackman playing Houdini is going to be. I love Hugh Jackman. He’s been to our show, and he was fiercely nice and talented when he came backstage. He was more talented backstage than I am onstage. Hugh can sing and dance and everything, and his family is sweet and kind and he’s wicked good-looking. So, why the fuck is he playing Houdini? Houdini didn’t sing, dance, and he wasn’t fucking good-looking. This is why Kevin is perfect. Ugly-ass Kevin would be better than piece-of-ass Hugh. Also, Hugh is Australian, and Houdini was so American he was born in Budapest and pretended to be from Appleton, Wisconsin. Did Hugh ever claim to be from Wisconsin? Not that I know of, but what the fuck do I know. I don’t stalk Hugh’s hot sexy ass. Kevin could claim to be from Wisconsin, and not Frisco or whatever bullshit city he’s from. And if Hugh Jackman were from the USA, like Kevin is from the USA, I bet the assholes in his school would have called him “Huge Jack-off.” Assholes do that. Assholes make fun of your name even if it doesn’t mean anything. I sure would have called him “Huge Jack-off,” and I bet Kevin would have too, because Kevin’s funny and Kevin can be an asshole, and you can bet your huge jackman that Houdini was an asshole. Hugh Jackman is a great singer and dancer, and Houdini didn’t fucking sing and dance in his show. Hugh is going to play Houdini, and The New York Times will write another great blow job on him, because he sings, dances, and eats pussy, and that shocks the Times. I can stop Kevin from singing and dancing… I’m way bigger than he is. I can’t stop Hugh Jackman from dancing and singing because he has big Wolverine claws. Houdini didn’t have big Wolverine claws. Kevin doesn’t have big Wolverine claws, so why the fuck isn’t Kevin playing Houdini? There’s an intensity to Kevin that he disguises in his stupid stand-up act. If Kevin weren’t funny, we would be more likely to see that focus, playing Houdini. Kevin would be a great Houdini. A non-dancing, non-singing, not funny, not jack-off Houdini. Kevin’s name doesn’t sound like “jack-off,” but don’t bring up Polish jokes or short jokes with the little fellow, whose name sounds a lot like “Pollock.” I bet assholes called him “Pollock” and I bet Hugh Jackman never called Kevin “Pollock,” because Hugh is a gentleman. Houdini was a pure little fireplug of intensity. Who knows, maybe Houdini did the first Shatner that every other two-bit piece of shit comic rips off. How would I know? I think Kevin would be great as Houdini, so let’s have him star in a serous movie about Houdini, okay? You know, there hasn’t been a good Houdini movie. Harvey Keitel sure was good as Houdini (and I bet assholes made fun of the name “Harvey,” don’t you think? It’s kind of a goofy name) in that shitty movie about fairies. But that doesn’t count because the movie was shitty. Was Harvey better than Kevin, the Pollock, would be? I don’t know, but Harvey didn’t ask me to write jackshit for his book like Kevin asked me to write something for his book and Harvey was in The Piano and that sure blew. I wonder if Kevin would be naked in his Houdini movie like Harvey was in The Piano. Houdini stripped during his escapes, so naked wouldn’t be completely gratuitous, but I love gratuitous nudity anyway. I’d like to see Kevin’s cock playing Houdini’s cock. But I’d probably rather see Huge Jack-off’s cock, for lots of obvious reasons. Anyway, Houdini died at fifty-two, and Kevin is fifty-five now, so tick tock tick tock, people, let’s get this movie fucking made. Kevin will be great. Let’s all work together and make Penn’s dream come true and let Kevin play Houdini! Is that too much to ask? I mean, that and a cure for AIDS with the patent in my name, and an eleven-inch dick like Huge Jack-off—I bet that’s why he got the part.