Fairy Tales

CLOD-HANS AN OLD STORY RETOLD

IN AN OLD MANOR house in the country, there lived an old squire who had two sons, who were too clever by half. They wanted to propose to the king’s daughter, and they dared to do so because she had announced that she would marry the man who could speak up the best for himself.

The two prepared themselves for a week, which was all the time they had for it, but it was enough too because they had previous knowledge, and that’s useful. One of them knew the entire Latin dictionary by heart and three years’ worth of the town’s newspaper, both forward and backwards. The other one had learned all the articles of the guilds, and what every alderman had to know. He thought he could discuss state affairs. In addition he knew how to embroider suspenders because he was quick fingered and deft.

“I’ll get the princess,” they both said, and their father gave each of them a lovely horse. The one who knew the dictionary and newspapers got a coal-black one, and he who was up on the alderman’s rules and who embroidered got a milk-white one. They smeared cod liver oil on the corners of their mouths so they could speak more smoothly. All the servants were in the courtyard to watch them depart. Just then the third brother came down, for there were three of them, but nobody counted him since he didn’t have the knowledge of the other two. They just called him Clod-Hans.

“Where are you going all dressed up?” he asked.

“To Court to win the princess with our wit. Haven’t you heard what’s been announced all over the country?” And they told him about it.

“Gee, I’d better go along too!” said Clod-Hans, and his brothers laughed at him and rode away.

“Father, let me have a horse!” shouted Clod-Hans. “I’ve got a fancy to get married! If she’ll take me, she’ll take me. And if she won’t take me, I’ll take her anyway.”

“What nonsense!” said his father. “I won’t give you a horse. You have nothing to talk about! But your brothers are splendid fellows!”

“If I can’t have a horse,” said Clod-Hans, “then I’ll take the goat. He’s mine, and can easily carry me.” Then he straddled the goat, stuck his heels in its sides, and took off down the road. Wow, what speed! “Here I come,” said Clod-Hans, and he sang shrilly.

The brothers rode silently in front. They didn’t say a word. They had to think over all the good ideas they would talk about because they had to be clever.

“Hey, hallo,” shouted Clod-Hans. “Here I come! Look what I found on the road!” and he showed them a dead crow he’d found.

“Clod!” they said, “What do you want that for?”

“I’m going to give it to the princess!”

“Yes, you do that!” they said, as they laughed and rode on.

“Hey, hallo! Here I come! Look what I found now—You don’t find something like this on the road every day!”

And the brothers turned back again to see what it was. “Clod!” they said, “It’s just an old wooden shoe with the top missing. Is that for the princess too?”

“Yes, it is,” said Clod-Hans, and the brothers laughed and rode far ahead of him.

“Hey, hallo. Here I am!” shouted Clod-Hans. “Oh no, it’s getting worse and worse! Hey, hallo! This is marvelous!”

“What did you find now?” asked the brothers.

“Oh!” said Clod-Hans. “It’s unbelievable! How happy the princess will be!”

“Ugh!” said the brothers. “It’s just mud thrown up from the ditch!”

“Yes, that’s what it is!” said Clod-Hans, “and it’s the finest kind. It’s so fine you can’t keep a hold of it,” and he filled his pocket.

But the brothers rode away as fast as they could, and they came an hour early to the city gates. There the suitors received a number as they arrived, and were lined up in a row, six in each rank and so close together that they couldn’t even move their arms. That was a good thing though; otherwise they would have stabbed each other in the back just because one was ahead of the other.

All the inhabitants stood around the castle, right up to the windows, in order to see the princess receive the suitors, and as soon as one came into the room, his powers of speech failed him.

“Won’t do!” said the princess. “Scoot!”

Now the brother who knew the dictionary came, but he had completely forgotten it while waiting in line, and the floor creaked, and the ceiling was a mirror so that he saw himself upside down. And at each window stood three reporters and a guild master, who wrote up everything that was said, so that it could be printed in the papers right away and be sold for two shillings on the corner. It was horrible, and they had fired up the stove so that it was red hot!

“It’s awfully hot in here!” said the suitor.

“That’s because my father is roasting roosters today,” said the princess.

“Duh!” There he stood—he hadn’t expected that. He couldn’t think of a word to say because he wanted to say something amusing. Duh!

“Won’t do!” said the princess. “Scoot!” And so he had to leave. Then came the second brother.

“It’s terribly hot in here,” he said.

“Well, we’re roasting roosters today,” said the princess.

“Excuse—what?” he said, and all the reporters wrote “Excuse—what?”

“Won’t do,” said the princess. “Scoot!”

Then Clod-Hans came. He rode his goat right into the room. “What a terrific heat!” he said.

“That’s because I’m roasting roosters!” said the princess.

“That’s lucky,” said Clod-Hans. “I should be able to get a crow roasted then, shouldn’t I?”

“Yes, you certainly may,” said the princess, “but do you have something to roast it in? Because I have neither a pot nor a pan.

“But I have!” said Clod-Hans. “Here’s a cooker with a handle.” And he took out the old wooden shoe and set the crow in the middle of it.

“That’s an entire meal,” said the princess, “but where will we get the sauce?”

“I have it in my pocket!” said Clod-Hans. “I have a lot of it so I can waste some,” and he poured a little mud out of his pocket.

“I like this!” said the princess. “You sure can answer! And you can talk, and I want you for my husband. But do you know that every word we say and have said is being written up and will appear in the papers tomorrow? There are three reporters and a guild master by each window, and the guild master is the worst because he can’t understand anything!” She said this to scare him. And all the reporters giggled and spilled ink on the floor.

“That must be the gentry,” said Clod-Hans, “and I must give the guild master the best,” and he turned his pocket inside out and threw mud in his face.

“That was well done!” said the princess, “I couldn’t have done that, but I’ll learn.”

And then Clod-Hans became king. Indeed, he got a wife of his own, a crown, and a throne. And we have it right from the guild master’s newspaper—but you can’t rely on that!