Filth

Carole

The problem with Bruce is that he keeps it all in, I know that he’s seen some terrible things in his job and I know that, whatever he says, they’ve affected him deeply. He’s a very sensitive man underneath it all. His hard front fools a lot of people, but I really know my man. They don’t understand what a complicated person he is. To know him is to love him and I certainly know him.

What I know for instance, is that Bruce has an effect on women. I know that they find him attractive. I know because I’m aware of the effect I have on men. If you’re a sexy person I think you’re always very much aware of the sexuality of others. The sexual aura if you like. It becomes a common currency, a code, an unspoken language. Yes, some people just have that sort of glow around them and I know that Bruce certainly does.

I spend a lot of time getting myself ready because I always like to look good for him, and for myself too. There are some women who say that you shouldn’t dress to please a man, but when you love someone you revel in their pleasure and I’m guilty of that and I always will be.

I look at my own naked body in front of the mirror. I think, yes Carole, you’ve still got it girl. I think I’m losing weight. I put on my bra, clipping it at the front, then sliding it round and putting my breasts into it. I take a silky cream blouse from the wardrobe and put it on and button it up. I love the feel of this particular blouse on my skin. There’s a navy blue skirt here which goes well with it. I put on the skirt and look at myself in the mirror. Yes, definitely losing that bit of weight I put on; the skirt is hanging well. My face has a wide forehead, but this effect I can neutralise by wearing my fringe long. I admire my full mouth and nice big lips. Bruce always admires my lips, and my small nose and large brown eyes.

I dig out some blue, velvet-effect shoes from the bottom of the wardrobe. I’m thinking about Bruce all the time, about how we play these break-up/make-up games with each other, how these wee absences we take from each other are just a tease, which only make our hearts grow fonder. I feel a need and an aching for him, I’ll have to get back to him soon. I wrap my arms around myself and imagine that we’re together. In a sense we are together because nothing, space, time, distance whatever, can break the delicious communion between us.