Fragile Eternity

Chapter 33

As her fey started filtering into the room, stealing glimpses of Seth and whispering things she didn’t want to hear, Aislinn led Seth to her room and closed the door. It was the only room in the loft that was just hers, so it was the only place she could think without feeling like she was in their space. The loft was their home now. It had changed. She had changed.

Seth sat on her bed and watched her, patient as he’d always been. He’d changed too, not just what he was, but who he was.

The words wouldn’t come. She’d thought them, spoken them to him in scenarios she played out in her mind, whispered them in the dark as if he could hear her. Now, they weren’t there. She wanted to tell him she hated that he’d left her, that she was devastated that Niall had known where he was but she hadn’t, that she’d thought she’d never be whole again, that she’d never love anyone else the way she loved him, that it hurt to breathe when he was away. She didn’t know how to say any of that, not now, but there was something she had to tell him. “Keenan and I are…were…dating.”

Seth crossed his arms over his chest. “Which means?”

“It means I told him he could try to make me…love him. That I was willing to give us a chance….” She hated that he was looking at her like she was the one who’d messed everything up. He’d left her. He’d stayed away. He hadn’t even called. She flopped down on the bed. “What was I supposed to do?”

“Have faith in us?”

“You vanished without any explanation and were gone for six months….” She tucked her feet up under her. “I thought you weren’t coming back. You left me without a word…after refusing to talk to me.” She wasn’t sure if it was temper or sorrow that was welling up inside of her. “You vanished.”

“How long?” he asked.

“What?”

“Until you were with him? How long did he wait, Ash?”

She had never been truly angry with him, not once, but right then she would’ve gladly struck him. After six months of being worried and hurt and afraid, she finally felt the anger she hadn’t allowed herself before.

“You left me.” The words were bitten off.

“I had a chance to get to the faery who could give me forever with you. The timing sucked, but—” Seth stopped. “I didn’t know I’d be gone so long. I’m sorry it happened that way. I saw a chance. I took it.”

“I waited. We sent faeries to look for you. I tried to talk to Niall…to Bananach. I waited for six months.” She clasped her hands together to keep from gesturing.

They’d never had a fight; they’d never had a reason for one either.

She looked down at her hands until her temper stilled. “I thought you had abandoned me. Niall said—”

“The Dark King who’s pissed at you told you something that made you doubt me, and you believed him.” Seth crooked his brow.

“There was a girl in the background…in the voice mail…”

“Bananach. War. She took me to—”

“You left with Bananach? What were you thinking?”

“I was thinking it was worth the risk if it meant forever with my faery girlfriend.” He spoke very softly. “I was thinking that being with you was worth the risk. She took me to Sorcha, and I made a deal so I could be in your world the whole way, so I’d be strong enough to not need guards and babysitters, so I’d be able to be around for you forever.”

“And the cost?” She was afraid. She was a faery—and apparently he was too, now—but faery bargains weren’t renowned for their fairness.

“A month with Sorcha every year.”

“You were gone six months.”

“I was with her for a month. In Faerie.” He looked at her with a plea to understand, to agree that he didn’t make a mistake. “Niall told me she was the one who could make me this. No one else was willing to help. It was only thirty days for me. I didn’t know that it was longer for you.”

“So every year…” she prompted.

“I leave for what feels like a month to me and six months to you.”

“For the rest of your life.”

He nodded.

She tried to make sense of his being gone, of his being around for eternity. It didn’t make sense yet. He was hers, but at what price? Her heart raced as she thought about what he’d sacrificed. “And when you’re there, is it awful?”

“No. It’s almost perfect. The only thing that kept it from perfection was that you weren’t with me.” He looked enthralled as he spoke. “Faerie is incredible, and my only task is to create…and that’s it. I walk in the gardens. I think. I create. It’s amazing there.”

“And…Sorcha?”

The expression on his face was one of tenderness and of longing. “She’s perfection too. She is kind and gentle and wise and funny although she doesn’t admit it….”

“Oh.” Her stomach twisted. He found eternity, but he’d found a queen as well. Aislinn wanted to not feel jealous, but she’d be worried for months and he’d been off falling for another faery queen. “So when you’re there, you’re with—”

“No. It’s not like that at all.” He scowled. “She’s my queen, my patron, a muse. It’s like having a family, Ash. She’s the mother I never…not that Linda doesn’t love me…but Sorcha is…she’s perfect.”

They sat there silently for a while until she couldn’t stand it anymore. “So now what?”

He shook his head. “I don’t know. We figure out how to make it okay?”

But it was very much not okay. He’d risked it all to find forever with her, and she’d had so little faith in what they shared that she’d fallen into Keenan’s arms.

It’s where she was headed already.

He looked at her and admitted to himself that maybe it wasn’t his mortality that had stood in the way, but someone else. As long as she was the Summer Queen, she’d be with Keenan. They’d have their revelry and their meetings and their late-night arguments.

And I just destined myself to watch them do this for decades, for centuries.

“Did you sleep with him?” He waited, needing to hear her say it, needing to know.

“I thought you were gone, and I didn’t want to love anyone else…and he’s my friend…and I care about him and—”

“So that’s a yes?” His heart sounded like it was thundering in his ears.

“No…He turned me down.” She looked like she was going to start weeping. “I just wanted to stop hurting. I felt empty, and the court was weakening from my…wallowing.”

“I love you.” He pulled her to him and kissed her the way he had dreamed of when they were apart. She didn’t resist at all. It was almost like it had been before, but how it was before wasn’t good enough anymore. He’d been patient. He’d been willing to not feel jealous of Keenan because he’d believed that Keenan would be around to love her after he had died.

With effort, he stopped kissing her. “I don’t want to share you with him. Not anymore. I’m not going to die. I’m not going to be so easily broken now. And I’m not going to watch him look at you the same way I do.”

“I can’t walk away from my court.”

“Or him.” Seth could see the threads of possibility. There were paths that twisted and looped. There were possibilities he couldn’t see, which meant that he was in them. In others, though, she was with Keenan.

“He’s my king,” she whispered.

“I know that, but…‘king’ isn’t beloved or lover. It can be, but it doesn’t have to be.” Seth stopped short of telling her what he could see. Now wasn’t the time. “I need to know that he’s not the one you want.”

“I love you,” she said.

“Tell me you don’t feel any love like this”—he brushed his lips across hers—“with him. Tell me you can be around him and not feel like it’s romantic. If he’s your friend, that’s fine, but that isn’t all he is. It hasn’t been for months…long before I left.”

She stared at him, but no words came.

“I’m a faery too. I can’t lie. But I can tell you that there is no one else—faery or mortal—that’s shared my bed since I fell in love with you. I’ve not even considered taking anyone there. There’s no one in my life but you. I don’t want anyone else either. At all. Just you. Forever.”

“What am I to do?” she whispered.

“Start by seeing him for what he really is.”

“Which means?” Her voice rose, and her expression grew tense.

“He knew where I was, Ash.” Seth kept his tone gentle. He didn’t want to hurt her, but he wasn’t going to help Keenan hide his deceits. “Niall knew where to look. So did Keenan. He’s been around long enough to think to check in Faerie.”

“But he couldn’t. Maybe he—”

“Ask him.” Seth shrugged. “He knew where I was. Donia knew. Niall knew. Bananach took me there. Everyone knew. Ask your guards to tell you. Ask the Summer Girls. They might not volunteer it, but if you ask them straight out, they’ll answer you.”

“So you think they all knew”—she folded her arms over her chest, hugging herself—“and no one told me? How could they do that?”

“What would you have done if you had known where I was?”

“Come to Faerie and rescued you.”

“Your court isn’t strong enough for a war, and you were in the midst of summer, impulsive and passionate. If you’d come, it would have been a disaster—which is why Niall didn’t tell you. And Donia…I suspect she kept silent out of love for Keenan. She wouldn’t want to see his—your—court broken, even though he’s hurt her.” He caught Aislinn’s gaze. “But your court? Is that why Keenan didn’t tell you? Or did he have other reasons as well?”

“He saw me falling apart. My whole court did. They knew how much I hurt.” Aislinn wept. “He knew and…Why?”

Seth hated that he had to hurt her even more, but this was the issue she hadn’t dealt with. “Tell me you won’t forgive him. Tell me you aren’t trying to figure out right now how it was somehow not as awful as it sounds.”

Aislinn looked at him silently. Her face was tear-streaked.

“You forgave his manipulations over making you his queen. You forgave his manipulations that cost your court Niall’s support and almost killed Leslie. And right now, you’re trying to pretend he wasn’t manipulating you again.” Seth wanted her to interrupt him, to tell him he was wrong.

She didn’t.

“You trust him. I don’t know if it’s a queen and king thing or if you’re just trying to see the good in him. He’s not good, though. He’d have had me killed if he thought it served his purpose. I get that. Niall does. You need to see him for who he truly is. For me, for your court, and for yourself.”

“He’s my partner for the rest of eternity.”

“No, he’s a coworker. I’m your partner”—he kissed her forehead—“for eternity if you want me. If he’s your king, your friend, your coworker, that’s all fine. I don’t want to keep you to myself with no other people—or faeries—in your life, but I don’t want to share your heart, especially not with someone who keeps hurting you. If you want to be with him, tell me. If you want to be with me, tell me that. You need to figure out what you truly want, Ash. Come find me when you’re ready to tell me that I’m the only one.”

And he left. It ripped some part of him to pieces, but he wasn’t going to wait around hoping for scraps from Keenan’s table.