Fragile Eternity

Chapter 3

Donia was at her house—Beira’s house—when Keenan and Aislinn intruded on her. It wasn’t her preferred place, but she’d taken to conducting business there and keeping her cottage for personal matters, space only Evan and a few select guards could enter.

And Keenan. Always Keenan.

When Keenan came through the ridiculously carved door—his copper hair shining like a beacon—Donia wanted to go to him, just for a brief moment to pretend that what they shared, that their decades of history entitled her to such easy comfort. It didn’t, especially when Aislinn was beside him. Keenan’s attention to his queen’s every thought and action bordered on obsession.

Would Ash care if I went to him?

To some degree, Donia doubted it: the Summer Queen had been the one to arrange Donia’s tryst with Keenan at Winter Solstice. She’d been the one insisting that Keenan did, in fact, love Donia although he’d never said the words. Yet, Keenan wouldn’t risk even the briefest display of emotion around Aislinn.

So they all stood awkwardly in the foyer, surrounded by a number of Hawthorn Girls who calmly watched from the church pews that lined the walls. Sasha lifted his head from the floor where he was resting. The wolf glanced at the summer regents briefly, closed his eyes, and resumed sleeping.

Evan, however, wasn’t so calm. He eased closer to Donia. “Shall I stay with you?”

Mutely, she nodded. Evan was her closest friend these days; she suspected he’d been so for years before she acknowledged that his omnipresent protectiveness was not simple duty. She’d thought his guarding her was because so many other of Keenan’s guards were afraid of her, but when she’d become the new Winter Queen, Evan had left Keenan’s court to stay at her side. She reached out and squeezed his hand in silent gratitude.

“The others?” he murmured.

“They stay inside. We’ll go out back.” She raised her voice then and said, “If you’d like to join me?”

Keenan was beside Donia. He didn’t touch her, not even a casual brush of her hand. He opened the door as they approached, as familiar with the house as she was. It was his mother, the last Winter Queen, who’d lived here before. After holding the door for her and for Aislinn, Keenan entered the garden. Snow and ice melted in his wake. Better that than having the Summer King and Queen inside where my fey are. Donia wasn’t willing to risk endangering her faeries, and while Aislinn might do fairly well at containing her emotions, Keenan was volatile even on his best days.

If she watched long enough, Donia knew she’d see storms crashing in his eyes. When they’d been together, those flashes of lightning seemed mesmerizing. Now, they seemed too bright, too brief, too everything.

“Be welcome here today.” Donia gestured to one of the wooden benches scattered throughout the winter garden. They were clever things, fitted together by craftsmen’s skills, no screws or bolts anywhere in them.

Keenan didn’t move. He stood in her garden, as untouchable as he’d been for most of their relationship, making her feel somehow lacking. “Do you have any guests?” he asked.

“What business is that of yours?” she responded.

I do not answer to him, not now.

Under the edge of the bench, an arctic fox crouched. Only its dark eyes and nose showed in the snowbank. The rest of its body blended with the stark white ground. As Aislinn and Keenan came closer—warming the air around them—the fox darted away to the thicker snows by the high walls that surrounded the garden. Despite Donia’s dislike for the last Winter Queen, she enjoyed the winter garden immensely: in this, at least, Beira’d done a wise thing. The garden’s walls and roof allowed for a small bit of winter year round—a nourishing sanctuary for her and her fey.

Donia sat on one of the benches. “Are you seeking someone specific?”

Still standing, Keenan gave her an exasperated look. “Bananach was seen near here.”

Aislinn laid her hand on his arm to stop his short-tempered words.

“Although I’m sure you are well cared for here”—the Summer Queen smiled blindingly at Evan, who had moved behind Donia—“Keenan needed to check on you. Right, Keenan?”

Keenan glanced at Aislinn, seeking something—assurance, clarity, it was hard to say with them. “I don’t want you talking to Bananach.”

The ground at Donia’s feet grew heavy with snow as her temper stirred. “Why exactly are you here?”

Tiny storms flashed in his eyes. “I was worried.”

“About?”

“You.” He moved closer, invading her space, pushing her. Even now, when she was his equal, he had no regard for her boundaries. Keenan pulled his hand through his copper hair. And like a bespelled mortal, she stared at it, at him.

“Worried about me or trying to dictate to me?” She stayed as still as winter before the storm breaks, but she felt ice churning inside her.

“War being at your door is of concern to me. Niall’s furious with me, and…I just don’t want any of the Dark Court near you,” Keenan said.

“It’s not yours to decide. This is my court, Keenan. If I choose to listen to Bananach—”

“Do you listen to her?”

“If Bananach or Niall come here, I’ll deal with them, just as I would with Sorcha or any of the strong solitaries…or you.” Donia kept her tone cool.

She beckoned to the Hawthorn Girls, who’d moved to the doorway.

The ever-silent faeries drifted outside and looked at Donia expectantly. They were the family she’d never expected to find in the cold Winter Court. She smiled at them, but didn’t bother to hide her irritation when she told Keenan, “Matrice will show you out. Unless there are personal matters you wanted to discuss?”

The lightning in his eyes flared again, illuminating his face with that strange flash of brightness. “No. I suppose not.”

Protective to a fault, Matrice narrowed her eyes at his tone.

“Well, then, if we’re done with our business”—Donia kept her hands relaxed, refusing to show him that even now she was tempted to reach out to ease that temper—“Matrice?”

Keenan’s anger fled for a moment. “Don?”

She gave in then and touched his arm, hating that it was her—again—who had to reach for him. “If you want to see me, not the Winter Queen, but me, you are welcome at the cottage. I will be home later.”

He nodded, but didn’t agree, didn’t promise. He wouldn’t—not unless his real queen had no need of his attention.

Donia hated her for a moment. If she weren’t here… Of course, if Aislinn hadn’t become Summer Queen, Keenan would be wooing yet another mortal, in search of the one who’d free him.

At least I have part of him now. That’s better than nothing. That’s what she’d told herself at first, but as he turned away, accepting Aislinn’s hand as they walked, following the Hawthorn Girls back toward the house, Donia had to wonder if it really was better.

That night, Donia walked toward the cottage with the illusion of solitude. In the quiet, Evan undoubtedly trailed behind her. If she concentrated, she’d see the blurring wings of the Hawthorn fey in the shadows, hear the chiming music of the lupine. A year ago those same details would’ve set terror in her heart. Evan had been Keenan’s fey then; and Winter Court faeries had been harbingers of conflict, emissaries from the last Winter Queen, carrying threats and warnings.

So much had changed. Donia had changed. What hadn’t changed was how badly she craved Keenan’s attention, his approval, his touch.

Frozen tears clattered to the ground as she thought about the impact of that craving on her life. She’d surrendered her mortality in the hope that she was his missing queen. I wasn’t. She’d watched him woo innumerable mortals in that search as if it didn’t hurt each time. It did hurt. She’d willingly gone to her death at his mother’s hands for helping him find that queen. But I didn’t die.

Instead she was at the helm of the court that had overpowered and oppressed his own for centuries—and her court wanted it to stay that way. Too much of a climate change too fast wasn’t good for any of them. Her court pressed the matter, rustling for a few shows of force to remind him that they were still stronger. While in the dark, when it was just the two of them, Keenan would whisper sweet words of peace and balance.

Always in the middle…because of him. And he’d walk away from me for Ash if she’d say the word….

Angry with herself for dwelling on it, for even thinking of it, Donia swatted at the tears rolling down her cheeks. He wasn’t hers, would never be truly hers, and she couldn’t help but feel terrified of that inevitable truth.

She stepped onto her porch.

And he was there waiting, beautiful face furrowed in concern, hands reaching out for her. “Don?”

His voice held all the yearning she’d felt for him earlier.

All of her clarity faded as he held open his arms. She slipped into his embrace and kissed him, not bothering to keep her ice in check, not caring if it wounded him.

He’ll stop.

But instead of pushing her away, he pulled her closer. That awful sunlight he carried in his skin flashed brighter. The snow that had begun to fall around them was sizzling away as quickly as it fell.

Her back was against the door. She hadn’t unlocked it, but it still swung open. At a glance, she realized that Keenan had melted the lock.

It’s not Solstice yet. We shouldn’t. Can’t…

There were welts on her arms where he touched her, blisters on her lips. She tangled her hand in his hair and held him tighter to her. Frost spread down his neck.

He’ll stop. I’ll stop. Any second now.

They were on the sofa, and tiny fires burned on the cushion above her head. She let her winter slip further out. The room was filled with heavy snowfall. The fires hissed as they were extinguished.

I’m stronger. I could stop.

But he was touching her. Keenan was here, and he was touching her. She wasn’t stopping. Maybe they could make it work; maybe it would be fine. She opened her eyes to look at him, and the brightness blinded her.

“Mine,” he murmured between kisses.

Their clothes kept catching fire, smoldering out as the snow smothered the flames, only to ignite again. Blisters covered her skin where his hands had gripped her. Frostburnt patches of skin were visible on his chest and neck.

She cried out, and then he pulled back.

“Don…” His face was grief stricken. “I didn’t mean to…” He propped himself up on one arm and looked down at her bruised arms. “I don’t want to hurt you.”

“I know.” She slid to the floor, leaving him alone on the smoking sofa.

“I just wanted to talk.” He watched her warily.

She concentrated on the ice inside of her, not on how close he still was. “About us, or about business?”

“Both.” He grimaced as he tried to pull on his tattered shirt.

She watched him button it up, as if that would help hold it in place. Neither spoke as he fussed with the ruined cloth. Then she asked, “Do you love me? Even a little?”

He stilled, hands aloft. “What?”

“Do you love me?”

He stared at her. “How can you ask that?”

“Do you?” She needed to hear it, something, anything.

He didn’t answer.

“Why are you even here?” she asked.

“To see you. To be near you.”

“Why? I need more than your lust.” She didn’t cry as she said it. She didn’t do anything to let him know how badly her heart was breaking. “Tell me we have something more than that. Something that won’t destroy either of us.”

He was a sunlit effigy, as beautiful as always, but his words weren’t beautiful. “Don. Come on. You know it’s more than that. You know what’s between us.”

“Do I?”

He reached out. His hand was healing, but he was bruised.

That’s what we do to each other.

Donia stood up and walked outside, needing not to see the destruction in her home.

Again.

Keenan followed.

She leaned against the cottage. How many times have I stood here, trying to keep my distance from him or from the last Winter Queen? She didn’t want a repeat of the last time Winter and Summer tried to be together.

“I don’t want us to destroy each other like they did,” she whispered.

“We’re not like them. You’re not like Beira.” He didn’t touch her. Instead he sat on the porch. “I’m not going to give up on you if we have a chance.”

“This”—she motioned at the destruction behind her—“isn’t good.”

“We slipped for a minute.”

“Again,” she added.

“Yes, but…we can sort it out. I shouldn’t have reached for you, but you were crying and…” He squeezed her hand. “I slipped up. You make me forget myself.”

“Me too.” Donia turned to face him. “No one else angers or thrills me like this. I’ve loved you most of my life, but I’m not happy with things the way they are.”

He stilled. “What things?”

She laughed briefly. “That might work on your other queen, but I know you, Keenan. I see how close you two are growing.”

“She’s my queen.”

“And being with her would strengthen your court.” Donia shook her head. “I know. I’ve always known. You’ve never been mine.”

“She has Seth.”

Donia watched the Hawthorn Girls flitting among the trees. Their wings glistened in the dark. She weighed her words. “He’ll die. Mortals do. And then what?”

“I want you in my life.”

“In the dark when she’s not around. A few nights of the year…” Donia thought over the handful of nights when they could truly be together, no longer than a few stolen heartbeats. The taste of what she couldn’t have made it so much harder to weather the months when even a kiss was dangerous. She blinked away icy tears. “It’s not enough. I thought it would be, but I need more.”

“Don—”

“Listen. Please?” Donia sat down beside him. “I’m in love with you. I’ve loved you enough to die for it…but I see you trying to romance her and yet still coming to my door. Charm isn’t going to let you have us both under your sway. Neither of us is one of your Summer Girls.” Donia kept her voice gentle. “I accepted death to give you your queen—even though it meant losing you, even after years of conflict.”

“I don’t deserve you.” He stared at her as if she was his world. In that look—the same look that she’d fallen for innumerable times—he seemed to hold all of the words she longed to hear. In moments that she collected like treasures, he was her perfect match. Moments weren’t enough. “I’ve never deserved you,” he said.

“Sometimes I’m sure of that…but I wouldn’t love you if that was entirely true. I’ve seen the faery king you can be and the person you can be. You’re better than you think”—she touched his face carefully—“better than I think sometimes.”

“I want to be the person I could be with you…” he started.

“But?”

“I need to put my court’s needs first. For nine centuries I’ve wanted only to reach where I am now. I can’t let what I want—who I want—get in the way of what’s best for my fey.” He raked his hand through his hair again, looking like the boy she’d met back when she thought he was a human.

She wanted to comfort him, to promise it would be fine. She couldn’t. The closer summer came, the more he and Aislinn were drawn together. He hadn’t come to see her but a few times since spring had begun. Today, he’d come making demands. Loving him didn’t mean letting him rule her—or her court.

“I understand. I have to do the same thing…but I want you, Keenan, not the king.” She leaned her head against his arm. As long as they were careful, not forgetting, not losing control, they could touch. Unfortunately, touching him made self-control a challenge. She sighed and added, “I want to set aside the courts when we are together, and I need you to accept that my loving you doesn’t mean that dealing with my court is different from any other business of yours. Don’t think that what we share means that my court is malleable.”

He held her gaze as he asked, “And if I can’t do that?”

She glanced at him. “Then I need you out of my life. Don’t keep trying to use my love to manipulate me. Don’t expect me not to be jealous when you bring her to my house and stare at her like she’s your world. I want a real relationship with you…or nothing at all.”

“I don’t know what to do,” he admitted. “When I’m around her I feel like I’m enthralled. She doesn’t love me, but I want her to. If she did, my court would be stronger. It’s like buds opening in the sunlight. It’s not a choice, Don. It’s a need. She’s my other half, and her decision to be ‘friends’ weakens me.”

“I know.”

“She doesn’t…and I don’t know if it’ll get any easier.”

“I can’t help you with this one”—she entwined her fingers with his—“and I hate you both sometimes for it. Talk to her. Find a way to be with her or find a way to be free enough to be truly mine.”

“She doesn’t hear me when I try to talk to her about this, and I don’t want to quarrel with her.” Keenan’s expression was that of enchantment. Even talking about her distracted him.

Donia looked at him, the same lost faery she’d loved for most of her life. Too often she’d been the one to soften when they were at odds, too often she’d helped him because they’d both wanted the same goal: Winter and Summer to balance. She sighed. “Try again, Keenan, because this is going to end badly if something doesn’t change.”

He kissed her pursed lips softly and said, “I still dream that it was you. No matter how many times I’ve looked, in my dreams it’s always been you who were meant to be my queen.”

“And I would be if the choice were mine. It isn’t. You need to let me go or find a way to distance yourself from her.”

He pulled her closer. “No matter what happens, I don’t want to let you go. Ever.”

“That’s a different problem altogether.” She watched the frost form on the steps beside her. “I’m not meant for Summer, Keenan.”

“Is it so wrong to want a queen who loves me?”

“No,” she whispered. “But it’s not working to want two queens to love you.”

“If you were my queen—”

“But I wasn’t.” She laid her head on his shoulder.

They sat there like that, leaning together carefully, until morning came.