I Smell Esther Williams

HISTORICAL PLAYS: Sides A and B

A

DISCO DIASPORA

WAITRESS: Sir, I’m sorry but we’re out of Thousand Island. You can have French, Blue Cheese, Russian, or the house vinaigrette.

IRTZY: Alright … French. (Then hissing to himself.) Oh bold stalk of enmity. Phototropic tattersall of crimson and black. Lopped far above root by the blunted edge of compromise’s loose desultory scythe! You shall stretch forth again. And nourish the air with fragrant revenge!

LEIBMAN: Your stalk, sahib, is still redolent of that wench’s soiled hole.

IRTZY: That is no wench, Leibman, that is my dear wife.

(Enter IRTZY’S wife, MUE)

IRTZY: What bulletin do you bear, faithful partner?

MUE: Only this, dearest.

IRTZY: What?

MUE: This.

IRTZY: What do you mean this? This what?

MUE: The Hebrews, and that means me and you, are dispersing to a heavy beat.

IRTZY: Like what beat, you thing.

MUE: Just snap your fingers and get it, get to it. Get it to it. Uh shma yip uhh yich yisro ya yaka!!!!

(Exeunt)

B

I LOVE (TO FEEL YOUR LOVE)

VOICES FROM THE CROWD: He doesn’t take the static concept of time seriously!

He’s hyper-heroic!

He’s like menacingly good-looking!

ENVOY: You are loved by my country’s people, Mr. Premier.

TRANSLATOR: “Bilos derung zha afshler biobnz, Di. Premebnz.”

PREMIER (nodding and smiling): Er vagator ma wot; af gevunt ben hadis menoritz gool āā pen sodrana helopants banistrosa eeko vantrick al put, shen so glisso va lamotor ben mu fak. Hhaa … Hho hho!

TRANSLATOR: “This makes me warm; there are those in my country’s neighboring regions who would decorate me not with laurels and medals of valor, but with a tight noose around my throat. Haa … Ho ho!”

(A massive asteroid collides with Earth.)

CROWD

:

ENVOY

:

Aaaaaaaaah!

TRANSLATOR: “Yaaaaaaaah!”

PREMIER: Yaaaaaaaah! Yaaaaaaaah! Yaaaaaaaah!

(Fade)