In Laymon's Terms

Originally Published in Cemetery Dance #34, 2001

re you a good driver?” Malcolm asked.

The girl in the passenger seat gave me a crisp nod. “The best,” she answered.

“The best isn’t required,” he told her. “Adequacy will suffice. All I ask is that you continue to steer a northerly route on this highway and stay in our lane. As you may have noticed, there’s a rather nasty cliff on the left.”

“Nice view,” she said, smiling. She had a fine smile that showed two rows of glossy white teeth. Malcolm, an orthodontist, admired straight teeth. He admired the rest of her, too. Aside from her teeth, he could find a dozen good reasons for offering her the ride.

He continued to drive until he came to a wide dirt shoulder. He swung his old MG onto it. “You go around,” he said. “I’ll climb across.”

She regarded him with wide, questioning eyes. “You won’t go off and leave me, will you?”

“Of course not, Sally. Why should I want to do that?”

“Tired of me.”

“That’s ridiculous.”

“I’ve been put out before, you know. I don’t like it. Not one bit. I got put out just last week, right in the desert. Smack in the middle of nowhere! I could’ve died, you know.”

“Why did he put you out?” Malcolm asked.

“Another hitchhiker, that’s why. We were in a sports car like yours here. He says, ‘So long, Sally. I’ve only got room for one rider, and you’re not it.’”

“He should’ve kept you and left the other one. That would’ve been the honorable way.”

“Honor? What’s he know about honor? He figured he’d have himself a better time with the other gal, that’s all he cared about. So no thank you, Malcolm, I’d rather stay put.”

“You told me you would drive. That was part of the arrangement. I’m tired, now, and I’d like you to do as you promised. It’s only fair.”

“Happy to drive. But you get out and go around, not me. I’ll be the one to climb across.”

“What’s to stop you from taking my car?” Malcolm asked.

“For a rich guy, you’re not too smart. Try taking the keys.”

“Ah.” Malcolm saw no problem with that, so he slipped the key out of the ignition and walked around the rear of the car. By the time he reached the passenger door, Sally was already settled behind the steering wheel. He climbed in and handed the key-ring to her.

The car thundered to life. Sally checked over her shoulder, then shot onto the road.

Malcolm secured his shoulder harness. “There’s no rush,” he told her.

“I never drove a beaut like this.”

“Please, just a trifle more slowly.”

“Sure.”

She slowed down, but not enough to please Malcolm. He gripped the door handle tightly as the car swung around curves, sweeping across the double yellow lines.

“If you slow down,” he said, “you’ll find it easier to remain on our side of the road.”

“It’s all right,” she assured him.

“It isn’t, really. If we should meet another car on one of these curves and...”

It wasn’t a car, but a recreational vehicle the size of a bus, steered by a senior citizen with a ballcap and cigarette. When he saw Sally coming at him, his mouth fell open. The cigarette dropped from his lips.

Not an instant too soon, Sally brought the MG back into its own lane. Malcolm glanced over his shoulder. The RV, thank heavens, was still on the road.

“Now you must drive more carefully!”

“Don’t be mad at me.”

“I’m sorry. But really!”

“I’ll be careful,” she said, and smiled at him, showing those perfectly aligned teeth. “You won’t put me out, will you?”

“Not if you improve your driving.”

“What if we pass another hitchhiker? I been on the Coast Highway plenty of times, and there’s more hitchhikers than you can count. What if...?”

“You were here first,” Malcolm told her.

“Does that mean I can stay?”

“Of course.”

“What if she’s more beautiful than me?”

“I won’t give it a thought.”

“I’ll believe that when I see it.”

“You’ll see,” Malcolm said. “Now please, I would like to get some sleep.”

“You want me to stop talking?”

“If you would.”

“Sure.”

Once Malcolm was confident that Sally had toned down her driving, he allowed himself to shut his eyes. He quickly dozed off.

An awful noise shocked him awake.

The car radio.

“Sally!”

She looked surprised to find him awake. “Oh, too loud?”

“Much too loud.”

“Sorry.” With an apologetic smile, she turned down the volume. Malcolm settled back. As his eyes drifted shut, he saw a young woman ahead, walking backward along the roadside, her thumb out. He considered remarking about her beauty and wondering aloud about her driving ability. He was too much of a gentleman to mock Sally’s fears that way, but he couldn’t resist smiling at the thought of it.

Sally saw the smile. “Oh, no you don’t!” she snapped and suddenly swerved to the right.

The hitchhiker had plenty of time to open her mouth wide, but not enough time to leap out of the way.

Malcolm shut his eyes.

The car jolted violently with the impact, throwing him against his shoulder harness. When he opened his eyes, the windshield was frosted with cracks and sprayed with blood. He looked out the rear window. The woman, now far behind the speeding car, was still tumbling.

“My God!” Malcolm cried out. “My God, you ran her down!”

“Sure.”

“Stop! Stop the car!”

“What for?” Sally appeared terribly calm, even cheerful.

“We can’t simply go off like this! It’s hit and run! That’s a felony! We have to go back! Perhaps we can help her somehow. Stop the car!”

“Can’t.” She smiled at him. “You’ll put me out for sure.”

“I promise I won’t.”

“I don’t believe you.”

Malcolm reached for the ignition key, but Sally jerked the steering wheel. The car swung left toward the precipice and the ocean far below. “No!” Malcolm shrieked, certain that the next moment would find him airborne.

“Then keep your hands to yourself,” Sally warned. She brought the car back into its proper lane. “And don’t do that again.”

“I won’t!” Malcolm gasped.

He paid little attention to the pair of hitchhikers near the bend ahead of them. Not until Sally remarked, “She’s a cutie,” and peeled off the female.

“My God!” Malcolm yelled as the woman thundered against the car.

With a glance out the rear window, he saw the young man standing alone, looking nonplussed.

“Sally, you’ve got to stop!”

“Not till I get where I’m going.”

“Where’s that?”

“San Francisco.”

“That’s two hundred miles!”

“Is that all?” She smiled pleasantly.

Six miles later, they came upon a voluptuous brunette in cut-off jeans and a halter top. She carried a sign that read, “SAN JOSE OR BUST.” Malcolm covered his eyes when it happened.

“This is out and out...” The windshield was gone by now. With air pouring into his mouth at sixty miles per hour, he had difficulty speaking. “Out and out murder!” he managed.

“That’s what you say!” Sally yelled.

“That’s what anyone would say.”

She shook her head. “Not me. I say it’s...self defense.”

“For God’s sake!” Malcolm shouted, and gasped for air. “I’m not going to put you out!” That, he realized, was the honest truth. He couldn’t let her get away from him, not after this. Without Sally, who would believe his story? What policeman? What jury?

Well, he thought, perhaps we’ll be able to find witnesses who saw her driving. Like the young man back there.

But it’s my car. And I gave her permission to drive.

Oh, he thought, this is bad. This is very bad.

“Just stop running over people!” Malcolm shouted. “Please?”

“We’ll see,” Sally said.

Shortly after that, they saw a chubby woman in bib overalls by the side of the road ahead. Her thumb was out.

“Don’t!” Malcolm cried.

He ducked. The big woman dived through the open windshield as if she wanted to hug someone. Luckily, she went for Sally.

Malcolm went for the ignition key and got it.

As he plucked it out, the car swerved and skimmed along the edge of the precipice. With a quick tug at the steering wheel, he brought it back onto the road.

Focused on steering, he was only vaguely aware that Sally’s struggle with the heavy-weight hitchhiker had come to an end. “Got crowded in here for a minute,” she said. “How come we’re slowing down?”

Malcolm jangled the keys in front of her face.

She made a grab to snatch them away, but she wasn’t quick enough. She looked at Malcolm with wide, pleading eyes. “Now you’re gonna put me out! I knew that’s what you wanted! I knew I couldn’t trust you!”

He steered the slowing car onto a gravel shoulder. “Would you mind applying the breaks?” he asked.

“Yes, I mind!”

Twisting awkwardly, Malcolm managed to find the break pedal with his foot. He stopped the car.

“Thanks a heap,” Sally muttered. She flung open her door. “Of all the creeps! Thanks for nothing, creep!” She slammed the door and began walking away.

“Wait!” Malcolm yelled. “Where do you think you’re going?”

“I’m leaving,” she called over her shoulder. “That’s what you wanted, isn’t it?”

“You can’t leave.”

“Just watch me.” She started walking quickly up the roadside.

“Come back here!”

“I’m sure somebody’ll pick me up sooner or later. Maybe he’ll be a gentleman.”

Maybe he’ll be a cop, Malcolm thought.

“Maybe he’ll appreciate a gal for her company and not want to put her outa the car the first chance he gets. Like some people I know.”

“Come back here!” Malcolm demanded as he clambered behind the wheel.

Sally kept walking.

“Get back here!” Malcolm started the car. “You can’t just walk off!” He drove up beside her. “You murdered those people! Get in here. Who do you think they’ll blame if you go wandering off?”

“Not me,” she said. Doing a quick about-face, she walked behind Malcolm’s car and crossed the highway.

“Damn it!”

Smiling, Sally stuck out her thumb.

“You can’t!” Malcolm started to make a U-turn.

“Better not,” Sally called out as he steered across the double yellow lines so fast his tires squealed.

The Lincoln Continental speeding around the bend slammed into his little car and sent it spinning over the cliff.

“He was gonna run me down!” Sally cried.

“Looked that way to me, too. Guess we’d better find us some cops.”

“Why bother?” Sally asked, and climbed in. “He’s water over the dam.” She laughed. “Where you headed?”

“Los Angeles,” the man said.

“Same here. Hey, you aren’t gonna put me out, are you? I been put out before, you know. I don’t like it. Not one bit.”