Kafka on the Shore

Chapter 29

I call up Sakura from the public phone in the library. I realize I haven't been in touch once since that night at her place-just a short note and that was it. I'm kind of embarrassed about the way I said good-bye. After I left her apartment I went right to the library, Oshima drove me up to the cabin for a few days, well out of range of any phone. Then I came to live and work at the library, encountering Miss Saeki's living spirit-or something like it-every night. And I've fallen head over heels for that fifteen-year-old girl. A ton of things happened, one after another-enough to keep anybody busy. Not that that's any excuse.

It's around nine p. m. when I call, and she answers after six rings.

"Where in the world have you been?" Sakura asks in a hard voice.

"I'm still in Takamatsu."

She doesn't say anything for a while. In the background I hear a music program on TV.

"Somehow I've survived," I add.

Silence, then a kind of resigned sigh.

"What did you mean by disappearing like that? I was worried about you, so I came home a little early that day. Even did some shopping for us."

"I know it was wrong. I do. But I had to leave. My mind was all messed up and I had to get away to think things out, try to get back on my feet. Being with you was-I don't know-I can't put it into words."

"Overstimulating?"

"Yeah. I've never been near a girl like that before."

"No kidding?"

"You know, the scent of a girl. All kinds of things…"

"Pretty rough being young, huh?"

"I guess," I say. "So how's your job going?"

"It's been a madhouse. But I wanted to work and save up some money, so I shouldn't complain."

I pause, then tell her about the police looking for me.

She's silent for a while, then cautiously says, "All that business with the blood?"

I decide to hold back on telling the truth. "No, that's not it. Nothing about the blood. They're after me because I'm a runaway. They want to catch me and ship me back to Tokyo, that's all. So the cops might get in touch with you. The other day, the night I stayed over, I called your cell phone using mine, and they traced the phone records and found I was here in Takamatsu."

"Don't worry," she says. "It's a prepaid phone, so there's no way they can trace the owner."

"That's a relief," I say. "I didn't want to cause you any more trouble than I already have."

"You're so sweet you're going to make me cry, you know that?"

"No, that's how I really feel."

"I know," she says like she'd rather not admit it. "So where's our little runaway staying these days?"

"Somebody I know is letting me stay over."

"Since when do you know anybody here?"

How could I possibly summarize everything that's happened to me in the past few days? "It's a long story," I say.

"With you it's always long stories."

"I don't why, but it always turns out that way."

"Sort of a tendency of yours?"

"I guess so," I reply. "I'll tell you all about it someday when I have the time. It's not like I'm hiding anything. I just can't explain it well over the phone."

"That's okay. I just hope you're not into anything you shouldn't be."

"No, nothing like that. I'm okay, don't worry."

She sighs again. "I can understand wanting to be out on your own, but just don't get mixed up with anything illegal, okay? It isn't worth it. I don't want to see you die some miserable teenage death like Billy the Kid."

"Billy the Kid didn't die in his teens," I correct her. "He killed twenty-one people and died when he was twenty-one."

"If you say so… Anyway, was there something you wanted?"

"I just wanted to thank you. I feel bad about leaving like that after you were so nice."

"Thanks, but why don't we just forget that, okay?"

"I wanted to hear your voice, too," I say.

"I'm happy to hear that, but how does that help anything?"

"I don't know how to put it exactly… This might sound strange, but you're living in the real world, breathing real air, speaking real words. Talking with you makes me feel, for the time being, connected to reality. And that's really important to me now."

"The people you're with now aren't?"

"I'm not sure," I tell her.

"So what you're saying is you're in some unreal place, with people cut off from reality?"

I think about that for a while. "You might say that."

"Kafka," Sakura says. "I know it's your life and I shouldn't butt in, but I think you'd better get out of there. I don't know what kind of place you're in, but I get the feeling that's the smart move. Call it a hunch. Why don't you come over to my place? You can stay as long as you like."

"Why are you so nice to me?"

"What are you, a dunce?"

"What do you mean?"

"'Cause I like you-can't you figure that out? I'm a basically curious type, but I wouldn't do this for just anybody. I've done all this for you because I like you, okay? I don't know how to put it, but you feel like a younger brother to me."

I hold the phone without saying a word. For a second I'm completely confused, even dizzy. Nobody's ever said anything like that to me. Ever.

"You still there?" Sakura asks.

"Yeah," I manage to say.

"Well, then say something."

I stand up straight and take a deep breath. "Sakura, I wish I could do that. I really do. But I can't right now. Like I told you, I can't leave here. I'm in love."

"With some complicated, unreal person?"

"You could say that."

I hear her sigh again-a deep, profound kind of sigh. "You know, when kids your age fall in love they tend to get a little spacey, so if the person you're in love with isn't connected to reality, that's a major problem. You follow me?"

"Yeah, I get it."

"Kafka?"

"Hmm?"

"If anything happens, call me, okay? Don't hesitate, at all."

"I appreciate it."

I hang up, go back to my room, put the single of "Kafka on the Shore" on the turntable, and lower the needle. And once more, whether I like it or not, I'm swept away to that place. To that time.

I sense a presence and open my eyes. It's totally dark. The fluorescent numbers on the alarm clock next to my bed show it's after three. I must've fallen asleep. In the faint light from the lamppost out in the garden I see her sitting there. As always she's at the desk, gazing at the painting on the wall. Motionless, head in her hands. And I'm lying in bed as before, trying hard not to breathe, eyes barely open, gazing at her silhouette. Outside the window the breeze from the sea is rustling the branches of the dogwood.

After a while, though, I sense that something's different. Something in the air that disturbs the perfect harmony of our little world. I strain to see through the gloom. What is it? The wind momentarily picks up, and the blood coursing through my veins begins to feel strangely thick and heavy. The dogwood branches draw a nervous maze on the windowpane. Finally it comes to me. The silhouette isn't that of the young girl. It looks a lot like her, almost an exact match. But it isn't exactly the same. Like a copy of a drawing laid over the real thing, some of the details are off. Her hairstyle is different, for one thing. And she has on different clothes. Her whole presence is different. Unconsciously I shake my head. It isn't the girl sitting there-it's someone else. Something's happening, something very important. I'm clutching my hands tightly beneath the covers, and my heart, unable to stand it anymore, starts pounding hard, beating out an unexpected, erratic rhythm.

As if that sound is the signal, the silhouette in the chair starts to move, slowly changing its angle like some massive ship changing course. She takes her head out of her hands and turns in my direction. With a start I realize it's Miss Saeki. I gulp and can't let my breath out. It's the Miss Saeki of the present. The real Miss Saeki. She looks at me for a while, quietly concentrating like when she's looking at the painting, and a thought hits me-the axis of time. Somewhere I don't know about, something weird is happening to time. Reality and dreams are all mixed up, like seawater and river water flowing together. I struggle to find the meaning behind it all, but nothing makes any sense.

Finally she gets to her feet and slowly comes toward me, holding herself as erect as always. She's barefoot, and the floorboards faintly creak as she walks. Silently she sits down on the edge of the bed, and remains still for a time. Her body has a definite density and weight. She has on a white silk blouse and a navy blue skirt that reaches to her knees. She reaches out and touches my head, her fingers groping through my short hair. Her hand is real, with real fingers touching me. She stands up again, and in the faint light shining in from outside-like it's the most natural thing to do-begins to undress. She's in no hurry, but she doesn't hesitate, either. In smooth, natural motions she unbuttons her blouse, slips out of her skirt, and steps out of her panties. Piece by piece her clothing falls to the floor, the soft fabric hardly making a sound. She's asleep, I realize. Her eyes are open but it's like she's sleepwalking.

Once she's naked she crawls into the narrow bed and wraps her pale arms around me. Her warm breath grazes my neck, her pubic hair pushing up against my thigh. She must think I'm her dead boyfriend from long ago, and that she's doing what they used to do here in this very room. Fast asleep, dreaming, she goes through the motions from long ago.

I figure I'd better wake her up. She's making a big mistake, and I have to let her know. This isn't a dream-it's real life. But everything's happening so fast, and I don't have the strength to resist. Thrown totally off balance, I feel like I'm being sucked into a time warp.

And you're sucked into a time warp.

Before you know it, her dream has wrapped itself around your mind. Gently, warmly, like amniotic fluid. Miss Saeki will take off your T-shirt, pull off your boxers. She'll kiss your neck over and over, then reach out and hold your penis, which is already porcelain-hard. Gently she wraps her hand around your balls, and wordlessly guides your fingers to her pubic hair. Her vagina is warm and wet. She kisses your chest, sucking your nipples. Your fingers are slowly sucked inside her.

Where does your responsibility begin here? Wiping away the nebula from your sight, you struggle to find where you really are. You're trying to find the direction of the flow, struggling to hold on to the axis of time. But you can't locate the borderline separating dream and reality. Or even the boundary between what's real and what's possible. All you're sure of is that you're in a delicate position. Delicate-and dangerous. You're pulled along, a part of it, unable to pin down the principles of prophecy, or of logic. Like when a river overflows, washing over a town, all road signs have sunk beneath the waves. And all you can see are the anonymous roofs of the sunken houses.

You're faceup, and Miss Saeki gets on top of you. She guides your rock-hard cock inside her. You're helpless-she's the one who's in charge. She bends and twists her waist as if tracing a picture with her body. Her straight hair falls on your shoulders and trembles noiselessly, like the branches of a willow. Little by little you're sucked down into the warm mud. The whole world turns warm, wet, indistinct, and all that exists is your rigid, glistening cock. You close your eyes and your own dream begins. It's hard to tell how much time is passing. The tide comes in, the moon rises. And soon you come. There's nothing you can do to stop it. You come over and over inside her. The warm walls inside her contract, gathering in your semen. All this while she's still asleep with her eyes wide open. She's in a different world, and that's where your seed goes-swallowed down into a place apart.

A long time passes. I can't move. Every part of me is paralyzed. Paralyzed, or else maybe I just don't feel like trying to move. She gets off and lies down beside me. After a while she gets up, tugs on her panties, pulls on her skirt, and buttons up her blouse. She gently reaches out again and tousles my hair. All this takes place without a word passing between us. She hasn't said a thing since she entered the room. The only sounds are the creak of the floorboards, the wind blowing ceaselessly outside. The room breathing out, the windowpane shivering. That's the chorus behind me.

Still asleep, she crosses the room and leaves. The door's open just a crack but she slips right out like a delicate, dreamy fish. Silently the door closes. I watch from the bed as she makes her exit, still unable to move. I can't even raise a finger. My lips are tightly sealed. Words are asleep in a corner of time.

Unable to move a muscle, I lie there straining to hear. I imagine I'll catch the roar of her Golf in the parking lot. But I never hear it, no matter how long I listen. The wind blows clouds over, then scatters them away. The branches of the dogwood quiver, and countless knives flash in the darkness. The window is my heart's window, the door my soul's door. I lie there awake until dawn, gazing at the empty chair.