Lead Me Not

chapter twenty

aubrey

my heart had betrayed me.

It held me prisoner to a fierce whirlwind of emotions that were unfamiliar and overpowering.

Taking care of Maxx, seeing his brutal struggle, had altered something inside me. I had stopped looking at him as the man he wanted me to see, and I began to view him as the person he was. The sad, lonely, scared boy who had lost so much and was trying to hold on to the last little bit of control he had.

Seeing him at his worst had inexplicably softened me toward him. The last bricks in my formerly impenetrable wall had come crashing down. A shift had taken place. I no longer just thought about fixing him. My feelings had become more complicated than that. More confusing.

And a hell of a lot deeper.

And while I was still petrified as the parameters of our relationship stretched and strained to make room for this new reality, I was also eager for it. I wanted it. I wanted him.

I should have been wary and hesitant. Here I was, jumping into a heady, soul-consuming relationship with a guy I had met under the most unconscionable of circumstances.

Where was the girl who worried about screwing up? She had apparently taken a backseat to the girl who was discovering true emotional connection for the first time.

I knew it was wrong. I was already paranoid that people would catch on, that when my classmates looked at me, they’d see a girl doing something she definitely wasn’t supposed to be doing.

But I couldn’t stop myself.

Leaving Maxx’s apartment was jarring. I had lived in this self-contained bubble for two days, forgetting that anything or anyone existed outside of it. It was easy to forget about trivial things like schoolwork and friends when I was in Maxx’s world. That was how quickly he absorbed me.

But reality was a cold, hard slap in the face when I realized as I left that tonight I’d have to face Maxx in an entirely different setting, one that would most likely be trying and difficult and definitely more than a little bit awkward.

Support group.

Renee was home when I returned from Maxx’s apartment. I had texted her over the last two days, explaining my absence as school-related. She hadn’t questioned me. I hadn’t really expected her to. She was too busy trying to get her own floundering life back on track now that Devon was out of the picture.

She had been happy to see me, and I was tempted to tell her everything about Maxx—about what had happened to him at the club, about why I had been gone for the last two days.

Once upon a time there was a good chance I would have done just that. But given the tenuous footing our friendship was on, I wasn’t comfortable with the thought of sharing Maxx with her yet.

It felt crappy to lie to her, to look her in the eyes and tell a story that was one hundred percent not true. But I was faced with little other option.

Renee mentioned that Brooks had been by several times and that he seemed less than happy. She looked as though she wanted to question me about it all, and I was thankful when she didn’t.

That was yet another part of my story that I didn’t want to share with Renee. And I’d have to deal with Brooks and his hurt disapproval soon enough.

My phone rang just as I was walking across campus toward the psychology building for group that evening. I was surprised to see Kristie Hinkle’s number on my screen.

“Hello?” I said after answering.

“Aubrey, I’m glad I got hold of you. I’m sorry to call so close to the start of group, but I’m going to need you to be the head facilitator tonight.”

Shit!

“Why?” I asked bluntly, cringing at my rudeness, but her news had thrown me.

Kristie let out a wet cough. “I’m sick,” she answered shortly, but the fact that she was hacking up phlegm was all the answer I needed.

“Can’t we cancel?” I asked, hoping she was feverish enough to go along with that suggestion. Facing Maxx so soon after everything that had transpired, and in such a challenging setting, felt like a recipe for disaster.

One would hope that I could trust my abilities to remain professional and dispassionate. But the second I had acted on my feelings, and had allowed Maxx into my life, those nicely constructed boundaries flew, suicide-style, straight out the window.

I didn’t trust myself . . . at all.

I wasn’t sure if I could look at Maxx during group and not see the boy who had just bulldozed his way into my life and my heart. I was still raw and reeling from the realization of how much my feelings toward him had changed.

How would I ever be able to treat him like everyone else? Because he most certainly was not like everyone else.

I was a mess. A giant pile of my-life-is-out-of-control mess.

“No, that’s not an option. We can’t disrupt the flow of the group, particularly at this point. I need you to step up tonight, Aubrey. I trust that you’ve read over the lesson plan,” Kristie said in between mucus-filled hacks. Yuck.

“Uh, yeah. I reviewed it last week,” I answered, clearing my throat. There was no way to get out of this. Suck it up, Aubrey, and pull up your big-girl panties.

“I really think this could be a great opportunity for you to gain some valuable facilitating time. Starting tonight there will be another counseling student on hand as an observer. He will be able to step in should you need it,” Kristie said. Blah, blah, blah, yadda, yadda, yadda.

And then I realized what she’d just said.

“Another student?” I asked. Just great, someone else to witness my abject humiliation.

“Dr. Lowell called me earlier to say that one of her senior symposium students needed a few more observation hours before graduation and asked to sit in on the group for the remainder of the semester. I haven’t had the chance to meet him yet, and I wrote his name down but it’s at the office.”

Apparently the universe liked to fuck with me. I had somehow become the brunt of a huge cosmic joke. I should have known who that student would be.

And when I walked into the classroom a few minutes later to find Brooks setting up the chairs, I could only laugh at the ridiculousness that was my life.

“What are you doing here?” I asked, trying to get my almost hysterical laughter under control.

Brooks looked up, giving me that “you’re bat-shit crazy” look he was so fond of.

“Didn’t Kristie call you?” he asked coldly. His iciness put the kibosh on my amusement.

“You’re the senior sitting in?” I asked stupidly.

“Obviously,” he muttered, his face purposefully turned away from me. The distance between us was becoming uncomfortably familiar. I hated that I was getting used to his cold shoulder, that his disdainful disappointment was a frequent visitor.

“Well, um, that’s great,” I lied.

Brooks slammed the last chair onto the ground with a loud bang before he turned to face me. “Where have you been for the last two days, Aubrey? I’ve tried to call you. I went by your apartment, but Renee said you had schoolwork to do.” He made quotes with his fingers. He was really, really mad.

“Yeah, if ‘schoolwork’ is Aubrey-ese for that druggie I saw you with on Saturday night. So why don’t you explain what the hell that was about?” Brooks walked across the room until he stood directly in front of me. I had never felt intimidated by Brooks. It wasn’t in his nature to be aggressive. But right now I felt like kneeing him in the nuts and running out of the room. I didn’t appreciate the way he was looking at me as though I had just beamed down from the planet I Make Stupid Decisions.

“Um . . . ,” I stumbled. Lie, lie, lie. That’s all I was doing anymore.

Brooks took my hand, his face softening. “Aubrey, you can talk to me,” he promised, his thumb rubbing the back of my hand. I opened my mouth, not sure what would come out.

Maybe I’d tell him the whole sordid truth. Maybe I’d stick to the schoolwork story.

Maybe I’d start speaking in tongues while my head rotated a full 360 degrees.

Someone cleared his throat before I could find out.

I looked over my shoulder to find Maxx, his arms crossed over his chest, leaning against the doorframe. Our eyes met, and a flash of heated awareness blazed between us. He looked better. The dark circles weren’t as pronounced, and his skin was less sallow.

Maxx’s gaze darted down to my hand, where it was still held by Brooks, and I instantly pulled away. I shot a look at Brooks, who narrowed his eyes.

Maxx entered the room and took his usual chair, never looking away from me. I licked my lips nervously, my mouth suddenly dry. My cheeks and neck flushed, and I knew without a doubt that tonight would be a lesson in avoidance.

Brooks walked over to Maxx and held out his hand. “I’m Brooks. I’m going to be sitting in tonight. What’s your name?”

Maxx looked at Brooks’s outstretched hand and then returned his eyes to me, ignoring him completely.

The silence was deafening as it became apparent that Maxx wasn’t planning to answer.

“This is Maxx Demelo,” I hurriedly answered for him. Brooks’s lip curled up in a sneer before he turned his back to Maxx. His expression said it all. He was going to make this as awkward and difficult as possible.

Just flipping fabulous.

Thankfully, the rest of the group members arrived after that. Brooks went around introducing himself to the others, and I couldn’t help but be impressed with how easily he interacted with them, even Evan and April. He spoke with them, and they responded with a lot less venom than I was used to seeing. Of course, Brooks was a natural.

A natural pain in my ass.

After everyone had taken their seats, I let them know that Kristie was sick and I would be leading group that evening. Twyla snorted and rolled her eyes, but that was the only reaction I received. I was relieved. I hadn’t been expecting rioting in the streets, but I had been anticipating some substitute-teacher shenanigans.

I started my discussion on the stages of the recovery process. I knew this material backward and forward.

And while my mouth moved, the words flowing easily, my brain was engaged in a desperate battle. My willpower was flagging and threatening to give way under the force of Maxx’s eyes.

Do not look at Maxx! I admonished myself over and over again.

I tried to ignore the tingling sensation as I passed out the evening’s worksheet and just happened to brush my fingers against his.

I was failing miserably.

“Tonight you’re going to be writing a letter to yourself. I want you to think about where you want to be in six weeks, six months, six years. Write about the challenges you see for yourself, but also the successes you’ve had. You’re also to include some positive self-messages that your future self would want to hear. Be honest. Be realistic,” I said.

“Can I get some extra paper?” Maxx asked.

I cleared my throat and responded with a barely audible, “Sure.”

I handed him the paper, and when he took it from my hand, his fingers purposefully caressed the skin of my palm. His touch lingered, his eyes burning into mine. The room around us receded, and there was only us.

“Aubrey,” Brooks called out, returning me to reality. I instantly pulled my hand back as if the touch had singed me.

Maxx’s face darkened. He looked at Brooks, who watched us like a hawk. Maxx’s expression was murderous.

“Can I get a pencil and paper?” Brooks asked stiffly, arching his eyebrow. Maxx opened his mouth as if to say something, but I hurried over before he was able to speak.

“Here,” I said, thrusting the paper into my friend’s hand. Brooks’s eyes flashed as he looked at me.

“Thanks,” he muttered.

I returned to my chair and made nonsensical notes on my pad of paper, trying to calm the pounding of my heart. Everyone was silent; the only sound was that of the scratching of pencils on paper.

I watched Maxx as slyly as possible, but he seemed to be engrossed in writing his letter.

When the time was up, I handed out envelopes and instructed everyone to put the letters inside, writing their addresses on the outside. Kristie had explained to me that she would mail the letters at the end of the group for them to read.

“This is so fucking stupid,” Evan stated as I went around, collecting the letters. Here we go. I should have known I wouldn’t be able to get through the group without Mr. Pleasant telling everyone his opinion about something.

I tried not to roll my eyes. Honestly, I did. But I was having a hard time with self-control. “Why is that?” I asked him blandly and knew I had pissed him off.

“Like a fucking letter will change what we do with our life. This psychobabble bullshit won’t do anything. You prissy bitches on your soapboxes lecturing about what we should and shouldn’t be doing need to fuck off and worry about yourselves,” he spat out. I felt my face get hot as a few others made noises of agreement.

I held my hand out to take his letter, refusing to engage with him. Deep breaths, Aubrey. Rein it in. Ignore him. I chanted soothing phrases over and over in my head.

I knew that Evan was looking for a reaction. He wanted an argument. And I wouldn’t be giving him one even if I had some choice, colorful comments that I’d like to make.

Evan glared up at me, clicking the ring in his tongue across his bottom teeth. “I’m not giving this to you,” he said angrily. April looked between her boyfriend and me nervously.

I retracted my hand. “That’s your choice,” I said mildly, moving to take the next person’s letter.

“You’re not taking any of our letters,” he announced, getting to his feet. Evan drew his body upright, apparently trying to make himself more intimidating.

Okay, and maybe he was a little intimidating, particularly since it seemed no one was in a hurry to intervene. Thanks a lot, guys.

“That’s not your call to make, Evan,” I replied carefully, making eye contact with him. It was important to not show weakness, to not let him know he was getting to me—even though he was. He worried me. His behavior was decidedly unhinged.

Evan smacked the pile of letters out of my hand and kicked them out of my reach with his feet. “Fuck this shit!” he growled.

Brooks was on his feet and by my side in an instant. He held his hands up in a placating gesture. “Let’s just take a moment, Evan, and calm down,” he said soothingly, employing all of those superb counseling skills he had been developing over the last four years.

Well, apparently, the words calm down had the exact opposite of the intended effect on Evan. He kicked his chair, sending it clattering to the floor. He started to escalate quickly, his eyes bulging out of his head. Now that I was looking directly at them, it was obvious that both he and April had been using before group.

So employing reason and logic wasn’t going to be an option.

“Evan, I think it’s time you left,” Brooks said firmly, making small, inconspicuous steps toward Mr. I’m-ready-to-go-psycho-on-your-ass.

April tried to put a hand on her boyfriend’s arm, but he threw it off with enough force to knock her backward. The rest of the group members were slowly moving away. Cowards.

“I’ll leave when I’m fucking ready to leave!” Evan yelled, spit flying from his mouth. He looked crazed. He looked ready to inflict some serious damage . . . to Brooks’s face and mine.

He took one menacing step toward me, and I couldn’t help but back up. I didn’t care if it showed weakness, if I was practically announcing to the entire room that this guy scared the crap out of me. My survival instincts kicked in, and my need to get away from him outweighed everything else.

Before Evan could move toward me again, Maxx had him by the front of his shirt and shoved against the wall. He pressed his forearm against his throat and leaned in, his face so terrifying it made Evan instantly stop struggling.

“Don’t you ever fucking talk to her like that!” Maxx pressed into his throat again, making Evan gasp for breath.

“Do you hear me, shit stain? If you ever put a hand on her, I’ll kill you!” he roared. Evan flinched, and the fight had left him completely. April was sobbing in her chair, and the rest of the group members were gaping in shock at the turn of events.

Brooks grabbed Maxx’s arm and pulled on him. “Get off him, Maxx! Now!” he hollered, but Maxx was like a wall of stone as he continued to glare at Evan, not bothering to acknowledge Brooks at all.

“You need to apologize to Aubrey. Right now. If you don’t, you’ll be pissing out your teeth for a week!” Maxx said, his voice low and cold. He pressed his arm harder into Evan’s throat, and the other man started to turn an unnatural shade of blue.

Brooks yanked on Maxx’s arm again, and finally he let himself be pulled back. Evan gulped in a breath, his eyes darting to me. “I’m sorry,” he rasped, rubbing his throat.

I could only nod, just as shocked as the rest of the room with Maxx’s He-Man transformation. Evan grabbed April’s hand, and they practically ran from the room.

Brooks was saying something to Maxx, but Maxx moved past him and headed straight to me. He took my hands and brought them up to his mouth. He didn’t kiss my skin, only held them against his lips as he closed his eyes and tried to get himself together.

The room was deathly still, everyone watching us. This was bad. I really should put a stop to it. But I couldn’t move. I was trapped by the mass of quivering need that unleashed in my belly the moment Maxx touched me.

He finally opened his eyes and brought my hands down. “Are you all right?” he asked me quietly.

I could only nod, as I was finding even breathing difficult. The intensity of his gaze was unsettling, but God help me if I didn’t want to throw my arms around his neck and hold him.

His fingers slowly uncurled and released me. My hands fell to my sides, where they hung limply. We stood so close, our chests were touching. He lifted his hand to brush my cheek but stopped himself before making contact.

Then without another word, he backed away, leaving the room.

No one moved for an endless moment, and then it was as though everyone started heading for the door at once. I tried to make a general sort of announcement about next week’s session, but my voice was gone. Brooks had to take over.

I continued to stand there, reeling from what had happened, from the fact that Maxx had made crystal clear to everyone in the room that there was something going on between us, something that could get us both into a lot of trouble.

Once the room was empty, Brooks slammed the door closed and whipped around to face me.

“I can’t believe you, Aubrey! Are you stupid?” he bit out hatefully.

I flinched but didn’t say anything. I couldn’t deny what he was saying, yet I couldn’t put an admission into words. I was mute in my guilt.

Brooks angrily closed up the metal chairs and shoved them against the wall. I pulled myself together as best I could and cleaned up the papers that Evan had scattered across the floor.

“You’re going to ruin any chances you have at becoming a counselor. This is 101 shit, Aubrey! You don’t get involved with clients! I can’t believe you’re being so reckless. And for that guy? Seriously?” Brooks yelled.

But then my own anger rose up to meet his. I couldn’t take his sanctimonious condemnation a moment longer.

“Don’t you think I know all of this?” I was breathing fast and heavy. Brooks stood with his hands jammed in his pockets as if to stop himself from wringing my neck.

“I can’t explain why it happened. I didn’t want it to!” I implored.

“So you admit that something has happened, then?” Brooks asked, looking pained, and I knew that I had no right to be angry. Brooks was only looking out for me as a friend would.

“Not really. Not yet,” I said quietly.

“Then you still have time to put a stop to it, before you can’t undo it. You’ll get thrown out of the counseling program, Aubrey. This is a major violation of ethics,” Brooks argued, his anger fading, his shoulders drooping.

“I can’t, Brooks,” I let out on a choked whisper.

Brooks’s mouth tightened in frustration.

“Why not? Why him?” he asked me.

I shook my head, pressing my fingers into my temples, trying to stave off the headache that had started to throb behind my eyes.

How could I possibly explain to Brooks why I couldn’t walk away from Maxx? That I saw something in that desperate man that made me want to help him. That I just knew there was something great, something beautiful, under the surface that only I would be able to see. That my heart, my soul, hungered for him in a way that I had never experienced before.

It sounded ridiculous. Illogical. Hormonal. Those thoughts made me look like a fool, and maybe on some level that’s exactly what I was.

But all I knew was that he needed me. And that I needed him. That we could heal each other.

How could I turn my back on that?

So I didn’t say a word. I let Brooks make his own deductions. As the silence between us lengthened, my friend sighed sadly.

“I can’t stand by and watch you throw everything away like this,” he said, appealing to me in a last-ditch effort to get me to see reason.

But I had come to learn that my feelings for Maxx weren’t reasonable.

“Then don’t watch,” I murmured as I gathered my things, leaving Brooks alone with his disappointment in the crumbling remnants of our friendship.

I hurried out to my car, keeping my head down, wiping the tears that fell down my cheeks.

“Aubrey.”

I looked up, the wind whipping my hair and obscuring my vision. Maxx stood in the shadows. He was recognizable only by the slope of his shoulders and his head full of blond curls, which was uncovered in the cold air.

But now I would know him anywhere.

I started to walk toward him as though pulled by an invisible cord. He met me halfway, his arms reaching out. I froze, looking around, worrying about being seen.

Maxx picked up on my hesitation. “What is it?” he asked.

I put my hand on his arm, resisting the need to fall into him. “We just have to be careful, Maxx. You can’t be touching me in public. What happened tonight in group, while I appreciate it, was too much. People will think there’s something going on between us,” I rebuked gently.

Maxx frowned, his mouth thinning into a line. “Well, there is something going on between us. Right?” he asked, taking a step back, his voice gruff, a shutter going down over his eyes.

I could sense the impact of my rejection. He was pulling away from me, preparing to be hurt. With little thought to common sense, I grabbed him and yanked him toward me, my hands coming up to frame his face.

“There is so much going on between us that it scares me, Maxx. This”—I indicated the space between us—“could get the both of us into a lot of trouble. You’re in a group that I’m helping to facilitate. I could get kicked out of the counseling program. This would most definitely be in violation of your probation. We have to think about all of the implications here,” I reasoned.

As if angered by my appeal, Maxx grabbed my face and roughly pressed his lips to mine, his tongue parting my lips and invading the deepest recesses of my mouth. He plundered and took without waiting for my compliance. This wasn’t about me. This kiss was all about him. He pulled away before I could react.

“I don’t give a shit about the implications, Aubrey,” he warned, his eyes flashing in the shadows.

My heart beat furiously in my chest. Maxx was a loose cannon. There was no way to control or dictate how he would handle the situation we found ourselves in.

He felt it, he reacted.

He thought it, he acted.

How could I not expect this to blow up in my face?

And even more perplexing was why a part of me did not care at all. Why was I thrilled at the intensity I saw when he looked at me, no matter the consequences? Why did I find myself arching my body to get closer to him as we stood in a darkened corner of campus where we could be discovered by anyone?

“Come home with me,” Maxx murmured as he bent his head low, nuzzling my ear. I shivered, and it had nothing to do with the cold.

“Please,” he whispered against my neck.

“We have to be careful,” I cautioned before my wits left me. Maxx didn’t acknowledge my words. He didn’t alleviate my worries. He didn’t comfort or placate. Instead, he pulled me into the black and devoured me there. And I was happy to go with him.

And later at his apartment, as he undressed me, slowly, reverently, I convinced myself that this choice to be with him was the only one worth making.

Maxx kissed every inch of my body, spreading my thighs with his strong hands and using his tongue and lips on the most intimate part of me.

I had given myself to him completely, bared my heart and soul.

I watched him as he removed his clothing and then covered me with his body, positioning himself between my legs.

One last twinge of reluctance buzzed around in my head. The fear that this step wasn’t one I should be taking. That sex with Maxx was binding and final. He would own me.

And I wasn’t confident his possession was something I could survive intact.

But then Maxx kissed me deeply and thoroughly, and all thoughts of denying this moment were gone.

I wrapped my arms around him, my legs securely at his hips. The tip of him pushed slowly inside me, joining us together.

I gasped, he cried out. I moved, he held on. He pressed himself as deeply as my body would allow. Every inch of us fitted together, uniting perfectly.

Maxx growled romantic nonsense in my ear as he slid in and out of me. “I’ve been waiting my entire life for you.” He kissed the sensitive skin beneath my ear.

I couldn’t say anything. I didn’t want to make promises and declarations I was scared neither of us could keep.

Maxx dug his fingers into my thigh as he lifted it up and over his hip. He cupped my cheek and looked down at me, his eyes dark and full of a tenderness that took my breath away.

“I want this, forever,” he whispered, his voice hitching as he angled his hips and pushed deeper. I matched his rhythm, his desperate words ringing in my ears as we climaxed.

These were sentiments I didn’t think it possible he should be feeling. Not yet. I wasn’t sure I was ready for his pleas of forever.

Yet I longed for it.

And in the heated darkness, I couldn’t deny I felt these passionate truths as well.