Lead Me Not

chapter twenty-one

aubrey

waking up the following morning, I was on the edge of a full-on freak-out. I blinked my eyes in the dimness, trying to make out where I was. My brain couldn’t compute why I wasn’t at home, in bed, surrounded by my stuff.

Then arms tightened around me, lips brushing the back of my neck, and I froze. Well, shit, now I remembered.

I had slept with Maxx Demelo.

His words from the night before drifted back through my sleepy brain. Did he really want me forever? Or was it the sex talking?

My chest felt tight as I remembered the look on his face as he stared down at me, his eyes soft and aching with a need I felt just as intensely.

But right now, I really needed to use the bathroom.

I squirmed in Maxx’s embrace. My bladder felt ready to burst, but Maxx didn’t seem to want to let me go anytime soon.

I turned on my side, thinking I could slide out from beneath his arms. But now that I was facing Maxx—his eyes closed, his sleeping face looking surprisingly young—I didn’t want to move.

I loved looking at him like this, without the cocky confidence or the pained vulnerability. Both ripped at my chest. But here like this, quiet in his sleep, he seemed content.

His lips curved up in a smile. “I know you’re looking at me,” he mumbled. I rolled my eyes.

“I really need to use your bathroom, but I’m sort of pinned to the mattress right now,” I remarked dryly, wriggling again.

In one fluid movement, Maxx opened his eyes and rolled me on my back, his hips fitting between my legs and lining up with me perfectly. We were naked, having not bothered to get dressed the night before. My body instantly responded to his proximity.

“I like waking up with you here,” Maxx said with a smile, slipping inside my wet entrance just a fraction of an inch.

My breathing became shallow, and the coil of burning lust knotted itself in my belly. “Oh, god,” I moaned as Maxx pressed farther inside me.

I arched my back, my breasts pushed forward, and Maxx took one of my nipples into his mouth, his tongue swirling around the tight, hot bud.

He still hadn’t pushed in the rest of the way, and I was a squirming, writhing mess beneath him. I dug the heels of my feet into his ass, trying to push him forward, but he resisted me, chuckling against my breast.

Then, just as I thought he’d slam himself home, he pulled out and rolled off me. I sat up, bewildered, my heart beating wildly and my head fuzzy with my unfulfilled orgasm.

“What the hell?” I glowered at him. Maxx leaned back, his arms crossed behind his head, and grinned like mad.

“Go to the bathroom, do all of your girlie stuff. I’ll be here when you get back,” Maxx teased, giving me a mischievous wink.

I got up in a huff and walked down to the bathroom. The distance from Maxx’s body cleared my head, and I was able to think about the situation I found myself in more rationally.

I thought about what had happened in support group last night, and my blood froze. We had been careless and more than a little reckless. It was only a matter of time until Kristie found out, and then Dr. Lowell and then the rest of the faculty in the Psychology Department.

There was no way to explain away Maxx’s behavior or my inability to respond appropriately in his presence. It was more than obvious how we felt about each other. It was my worst nightmare come true.

But I was quickly becoming addicted to him.

He was all I wanted.

I took several deep breaths before returning to the bedroom. It was still dark out. I had no idea what time it was. It was too early to be awake, but I wasn’t tired anymore.

Seeing Maxx laid out in the bed, waiting for me, filled me with a glowing warmth that could no longer be confused with simple lust. It burned so much brighter than that.

I crawled in beside him, cuddling down beneath the covers, my leg wrapping around his hip, my arm resting on his chest. I tucked my head underneath his chin, and he squeezed me to his side.

It was nuts how Maxx could make me lose my head with desire but then lull me into a contented relaxation in his arms. The emotions were waging a battle against each other, but I felt each so deeply. The battle made me feel weak in the knees and on the cusp of losing control.

The appeal of that was the same as when I had been at Compulsion. The opportunity to surrender and embrace a side of myself that had lain dormant for most of my life.

Maxx’s fingers swept up and down my arm, a soothing gesture that made my eyelids start to droop. But then he spoke, and all thoughts of falling asleep were gone.

“Thank you,” he whispered, kissing the top of my head.

“For what?” I asked, turning to rest my chin on his chest. His face was shadowed in the dark, a grim reminder of the person he was for part of the time—my mystery man, the person I wasn’t sure how to reconcile with.

“For being here with me. For not leaving that night after the club. For staying by my side even when it got ugly.” His voice broke, and he cleared his throat, smiling sheepishly. He quickly leaned down to kiss the tip of my nose.

“For being who you are,” he finished, his hand cupping the back of my head as he pulled my face to his. He captured my mouth in a searing kiss, and I couldn’t help but melt into him. That was the power he had over me. It was total and absolute. I was helpless to resist him.

I could feel his heartbeat beneath my palm, and it was steady and strong. So far there were no signs of withdrawal. I just hoped that didn’t mean he had already used that morning before I had woken up. I wanted to know, but I was scared to ruin our moment with questions that would only infuriate him.

I let him kiss me until we were both breathless. He pulled me on top of his body so that I straddled him. My desire was awake and ready. I couldn’t help but rub against him, grinning at his low, throaty groan.

“Spend the day with me,” Maxx demanded with a smile that quickly turned to a moan as I rubbed against him again.

I lifted up and positioned myself over him. Slowly, purposefully, I lowered myself down until he filled me completely. The action caused us both to moan loud and low.

“I have class. I have a paper to write. Don’t you have schoolwork to do?” I asked between gasps. Maxx gripped my hips and rocked me over him, guiding me as he thrust upward.

Maxx flipped me so that I was beneath him, his hand coming up to caress my face, slowing his rhythm. “Just for today,” he pleaded. I started to shake my head, but then he kissed me deep and long.

“No classes, no work. Just you. Just me. Just us together,” Maxx begged in time with our heart-pounding rhythm.

“Yes,” was all I could say, my nails digging into the skin of his shoulder blades, my back arching up.

I came with a violence that shocked me. Then he came on the tail end of my orgasm. We lay in the aftermath, trying to control our breathing, waiting for our hearts to slow.

Our bodies were slick with sweat, and normally I would have been grossed out at the way our skin stuck together, but strangely it didn’t bother me. My hand was definitely lying in a wet spot, but all I could think about was how good it felt to lie sprawled across him, the two of us still attached intimately.

Maxx ran his hand down my spine and smacked my ass. “Let me make breakfast. I’m starving!” I wished his energy was contagious, but I was feeling languid and lazy and not in the least bit hungry.

But I let him pull me out of bed and down the hallway while he flipped on all the lights in his tiny apartment.

“Sit. I’ll get everything together,” Maxx urged, buzzing around animatedly. He was so happy. And it was more than a little flattering to think I may have had something to do with the smile on his face.

We were both still naked, and I was starting to feel self-conscious. I wasn’t one to make a habit of hanging out in the buff. For me, nakedness was confined to showers and changing clothes. I started to pull one of the couch pillows over my chest when Maxx grabbed it and tossed it on the floor.

He dropped to his knees, his arms curling around my waist, his face tilted up as he looked at me. “Don’t ever cover yourself in front of me. I need to see you,” he murmured, pulling my legs apart. I was completely exposed. It made me uncomfortable, but it was also extremely erotic.

“All of you,” he finished, running his nose along the inside of my thigh, his breath warm on my center. I shuddered, too turned on to be embarrassed by my body’s blatant reaction to him.

He rocked back on his heels, his fingers still gripping the flesh above my knees, and he looked at me, all of me, as though I were the most beautiful thing in his universe. He was really good for the ego.

“Stay here, like this,” he commanded, getting to his feet.

I sat there on his couch awkwardly for a moment before going against his wishes and curling my legs up underneath me, though I didn’t cover up, against my every instinct to do so. I wasn’t sure I could make this a habit. It was too weird.

Maxx came back only a few minutes later with two plates. He handed me mine and sat down beside me, as close as he could get.

I looked down at the plate and laughed. Maxx grinned shyly. “I don’t have much in the way of groceries, sorry,” he muttered.

I picked up a string of licorice and popped it into my mouth before grabbing a handful of Doritos. Not the most nutritious breakfast but definitely one of the most interesting.

I worked through my selection of junk food, thinking to myself that this was perhaps the best meal I had ever eaten.

When I finished, I was full, mildly nauseous at the excessive amount of sugar and carbs first thing in the morning, but completely content.

Maxx picked up the remote control. “What do you like to watch?” he asked, flicking on the television. I looked at him blankly.

“We can watch Bob Ross paint some trees or . . .” He flicked through a few more channels before settling on a fashion design show I had seen a few times before. “What the hell is this shit?” he asked, frowning.

I snatched the remote and turned it up. “It’s obvious you need to get in touch with your inner diva, Maxx,” I teased, settling back into the couch.

We watched for a few minutes before Maxx couldn’t take any more. He turned to me and grabbed the remote, muting the show. He hauled me onto his lap. “Fuck TV, tell me about you,” he said, smoothing my long hair behind my shoulders.

“I love your hair. It’s so soft,” he said quietly, threading the strands through his fingers.

“She is beautiful without knowing it, and possesses charms that she’s not even aware of,” he murmured, his fingers pacifying me into a quiet comfort.

I looked at him under heavy lids. “Why the quotes?” I asked, leaning into his touch. “You do that a lot.”

Maxx smiled, a soft expression on his face. “Sometimes the words in my heart have already been written down by someone who can say it a hell of a lot better than I ever could.”

I ran my finger along his bottom lip; he opened his mouth and bit down lightly on the tip. “Well, the whole sensitive guy thing is pretty hot.” I grinned.

Maxx rolled his eyes and squeezed my hips, making me squirm.

“Stop changing the subject, I’m on a discovery mission here.” Maxx winked and went back to running his hands through my hair.

“Favorite food?” he asked.

“Fettuccine Alfredo and garlic bread,” I answered. Maxx nodded.

“Noted. What about favorite color?”

“Orange,” I replied.

Maxx raised an eyebrow. “Orange? Not something girlie like sparkly pink?”

I stuck out my tongue, making him laugh. “Nope. It’s impossible to be in a bad mood when you’re wearing orange,” I volleyed back.

Maxx tapped the side of his head. “Got it. Okay, favorite flower.”

“Why all the questions?” I asked, curious as to where he was going with all this.

“I want to know everything. Plus it’s good to know how I can butter you up later,” he joked, pulling on my hips so I was pressed hard against him.

I rolled my eyes but couldn’t help smiling.

“Well, I’m not really a flower kind of girl.” I leaned forward and touched my lips to his ear before saying, “But if you really want to get me hot and bothered, buy me some chocolate. I’ll do just about anything for chocolate.”

Maxx chuckled, but I could feel him getting harder against me. “Chocolate is the way to get in your pants. Good to know.”

I rubbed against him and kissed the skin below his earlobe. “If you couldn’t tell, I’m already out of my pants.”

Maxx cupped my ass and started rubbing me rhythmically against him. “Oh, I could tell,” he said, his voice cracking as he moved me faster.

And then we were done talking for a while.

Hours later, when we finally came up for air, Maxx urged me to take a shower and get dressed. “Take your time,” he said, giving me a kiss as I went into the bathroom.

I frowned. “Okay, I will,” I told him, confused.

Thirty minutes later, I emerged from the bathroom, dressed and feeling a bit more human. Maxx had gotten dressed as well and was standing in the living room, grinning from ear to ear.

I walked out to meet him and stopped. On the coffee table were several boxes of chocolates. He had gotten assortments of every type imaginable. Beside them in a vase was a bunch of orange lilies. He held a grocery bag in his hand.

“What’s all this?” I asked, ridiculously touched by his thoughtfulness. Who knew Maxx Demelo could be so romantic?

Maxx was downright giddy. “I’ve never done the whole boyfriend thing before, but I want to do this right, Aubrey.” He held out the grocery bag. I took it and looked inside.

“I’m going to make you fettuccine Alfredo for dinner. I’m not a cook, but I figure even I can follow a recipe.” He kissed me hard on the mouth, his eyes twinkling.

We spent the remainder of the morning wrapped up in each other while Maxx continued his version of Twenty Questions. When he’d get tired of quizzing me, he’d devour me. We couldn’t get enough of touching and tasting each other.

I had never been so physically and emotionally drawn to someone before. I had tried the monogamous dating thing in the past, and it had never ended well for me. Whenever I had gotten to a certain point in the relationship, I had instinctively retreated, unable to move forward.

But with Maxx it was different somehow. Maybe it was knowing that this was someone who needed a connection almost as badly as I did. Looking at Maxx was like seeing a darker, more troubled version of myself. He was closed off and isolated, just as I had been for the past three years. And by giving him tiny pieces of myself, I was hoping to make both of us less lonely.

I had moments when my better sense tried to take over, moments of wondering what it would really mean to open myself up to him. And then I thought about what waited for me when I left the safety of Maxx’s apartment. I felt paralyzed with uncertainty.

“What are you thinking about?” Maxx asked. In fact, I was thinking perhaps a little too hard about possible suspension, a ruined career, a derailed academic future, friends pissed at me for life.

I plastered a smile on my face. “Nothing,” I lied. Maxx frowned, obviously not sure whether to believe me or not. I leaned up on my knees and pressed a kiss on his mouth. He instantly molded his lips to mine.

Pulling away, I laced my fingers with his. “You’ve been hearing all about me. I’d like to know about you.” Maxx stiffened slightly but then gave me a blinding grin.

“What you see is what you get, Aubrey,” he said, yanking me forward. He grabbed the back of my neck rather aggressively and tilted my head to the side, his lips sucking and nipping along the column of my throat.

“I don’t believe that,” I argued, pulling back. I knew there had to be a whole mess of stuff going on with Maxx. A lot more than he had revealed so far.

“I promise you, there’s nothing to know that you don’t know already. I told you about my parents, about Landon and my uncle. That’s more than I’ve ever shared with anyone. Honestly, there’s nothing more to tell,” he said, kissing the tip of my nose.

I opened my mouth to press the point when his phone started ringing.

He checked the screen and scowled but answered it instantly. “Is everything okay, Landon?” he asked.

Maxx’s transformation as he spoke to his brother was fascinating. He literally became someone else. He was soft-spoken and calm, his voice warm.

His eyes flicked toward me. “I don’t think so, buddy. Not today.

“I’ve got plans.

“Yes, Landon, it’s a girl.

“Shut up, will you?”

I snickered. Even though I could hear only Maxx’s end of the conversation, it was obvious he was getting a ball busting from his younger brother. I didn’t know Landon, but already I liked him.

Maxx grimaced. “That’s probably not a good idea. I can come by during the week.”

I put my hand on his arm, interrupting him. He looked down at my fingers curling around his wrist and then up at me.

“I’ll come with you,” I offered, hoping he’d take me up on it.

Maxx pulled the phone away from his mouth. “I’m not sure that’s cool.” He frowned, clearly not happy with my suggestion.

I squeezed his arm. “Please. I’d like to see Landon again.”

Maxx closed his eyes, as though he was having some sort of internal battle. He opened them and looked at me for a long moment before putting the phone back to his mouth.

“Yeah, we’ll come by. We’ll be there in an hour. And David’s not there, right? Okay, see you then.”

Maxx hung up and got to his feet, holding his hand out. “Come on, let’s go see my baby brother,” he said, and I knew he was glad we were going to see him. And I couldn’t be more excited about having the chance to see the two of them together again, to see once more the side of Maxx that had drawn me in.

The Maxx that I hoped to see more of.