Lead Me Not

chapter one

aubrey

three months earlier

“miss Duncan, you have been asked here today to discuss the allegations that have been lodged against you in regards to your behavior toward a member of the support group you had been co-facilitating. These allegations describe a personal and inappropriate relationship that is a clear violation of our ethical codes of conduct.”

I looked steadily at the three people who sat at the table in front of me. I picked at the skin around my fingernails and tried not to fidget in my seat.

My day of reckoning was here.

I was nervous. I’d be an idiot if I wasn’t. This was possibly the end of all of my dreams and aspirations. Three years of hard work crumbling around me.

But losing my place in the Longwood University counseling program wasn’t what had kept me awake at night for the past two weeks. That wasn’t the thing that had my insides twisted into knots and had tears drying on my cheeks. Seeing the future I had worked so hard for fading in front of me wasn’t the explanation either. Nor was the breakdown of friendships that I was trying so hard to rectify.

My state of emotional upheaval could be attributed to only one thing, one pivotal moment that had shredded my soul and threatened to unravel me.

It was saying good-bye to Maxx Demelo. Choosing my sanity over his pain. Leaving him when he needed me the most.

My guilt was a wild thing inside me that at times seemed out of control. I hated myself for hanging up the phone after telling him I loved him. For effectively pulling away and out of his life.

Even if it was our dysfunctional love that had almost ruined me.

But I wasn’t down for the count yet. It was time to pull up my big-girl panties and face the consequences of my disastrous choices head on. It was my only option now that I had lost the person I had thrown everything away for.

Dr. Lowell, my academic advisor, sat beside two of her university colleagues. She was looking staunchly down at the paper in her hands. Her mouth was pinched and her brow was furrowed. She was upset and disappointed with me.

And she had every right to be. I had been her most promising student. I had a perfect 4.0 average. I had been on the fast track to a great career as a substance-abuse counselor. I had taken my future seriously.

Until the day Maxx had walked into the support group and blown my life apart.

Now when she looked at me, all she saw was a screw-up. It sucked.

“We have read over your written statement, and it seems you aren’t denying the allegations. Is that correct, Miss Duncan?” Dr. Jamison, the head of the counseling department, asked, pursing his mouth. He looked at me over the tops of his wire-rimmed glasses, condemnation written all over his face. Obviously he had already made up his mind about me. And his conclusion wasn’t favorable.

I sat up straight and squared my shoulders. I took a deep breath and readied myself. Because all I could do was be completely truthful. I was long overdue for a healthy dose of honesty. I had lived with my head in the sand for entirely too long. Denial had gotten me nowhere.

“That’s correct, Dr. Jamison. I admit to engaging in an inappropriate relationship with a member of the substance-abuse support group. As I wrote in my statement, I was aware that my actions were a violation of the code of conduct, and I accept any and all disciplinary action.” I was proud of the fact that my voice never wavered. I didn’t cry. I didn’t whimper and plead. I would take my punishment, whatever it may be.

Dr. Jamison seemed taken aback by my honesty. It was clear he had expected me to deny the charges. Or to play the ignorant-student card: But, sir, I didn’t know sleeping with a client was a bad idea!

I wasn’t an idiot; I had just made some stupid decisions. But I wasn’t going to make ridiculous excuses now. And that was one thing out of this huge, life-sucking mess I had created that I could be proud of.

Dr. Jamison looked at Professor Bradley—a slight woman with obviously dyed brown hair and a nasty habit of mixing plaids with stripes—and said something under his breath. He then turned to Dr. Lowell, who nodded, her hands clenched on the table in front of her. They talked quietly amongst themselves while I fiddled with a piece of string hanging from the hem of my skirt.

I looked at the clock on the wall. It was a little after one. I had been in this chair, sitting in front of my judge and jury, for only half an hour.

But it felt like forever.

I knew that my friends Renee Alston and Brooks Hamlin were waiting for me out in the hallway. Brooks would be pacing the floor while Renee twisted her hands in her lap. I could practically feel their anxiety through the walls.

Anxiety I should have been feeling as well if it weren’t for the giant lump in my gut and the shards of a broken heart piercing my chest.

It had been fifteen days since I had spoken to Maxx Demelo. Fifteen days since I had told him I couldn’t stay and watch him destroy himself as he fell deeper and deeper into an addiction that I had tried to save him from. Fifteen days since he had almost died and I had left him anyway.

I had convinced myself that I had done the right thing. That standing by his side while he slowly lost himself to the dependence that controlled his entire world would destroy me. That I couldn’t watch him make the same bad choices that had taken the life of my sister, Jayme, all those years ago.

I wouldn’t enable him. I wouldn’t hide from who he was either. And Maxx had to learn to stand on his feet without me holding him up.

It was the only way.

Even if I had to fight every instinct that made me want to run back to him. Despite the fact that I cried myself to sleep each night as I ached for the man I should never have fallen in love with in the first place.

“Aubrey.” Dr. Lowell’s voice brought me out of my suffocating self-pity. I blinked and tried to refocus on my situation.

“Dr. Jamison, Professor Bradley, and I all agree that you have behaved in a manner that is both unprofessional and inappropriate. Your actions have had a negative impact not only on your reputation within this department but on this department’s reputation in the community.”

I swallowed thickly, but I never looked away from the narrowed eyes of my favorite teacher.

“However . . .” Dr. Lowell began, and my heart skipped a beat at the slight change in her tone. A sliver of something other than displeasure laced her words.

“Given that you have admitted having the relationship and that you have taken responsibility for your actions, we have decided to place you on probation. While we cannot overstate how serious this offense is, it doesn’t negate the years of hard work you have put into this program. However, your volunteer hours will be stripped, and you will have to begin your clinical hours again next year, which could impact your graduation next spring.” Dr. Lowell glanced back down at the paper in her hands, as though looking at me was too difficult.

My mouth gaped open. The shock made it hard for me to breathe. I had expected to be kicked out on my proverbial ass. I definitely had not counted on any kind of leniency.

“You will have absolutely no direct counseling interaction. You will complete extra course work on ethical boundaries. You will be required to meet with both Dr. Jamison and myself once a week to evaluate your progress. Each of these things will be mandatory if you wish to remain in the counseling program. And I don’t think I need to tell you that any sort of contact with Maxx Demelo will be strictly prohibited while he is considered a therapeutic client.”

That definitely wouldn’t be a problem. But I couldn’t say that. I could only nod, words being insufficient.

Dr. Lowell removed her glasses and folded them slowly, laying them on the table. Dr. Jamison was making notes, and Professor Bradley seemed to be counting down the time until the end of this uncomfortable hearing.

“Aubrey, I don’t need to tell you again how your actions have put this department in a precarious position. It has strained relations with the community service board, which has been our partner in providing services to our campus community for over fifteen years. But that doesn’t change the fact that you are a smart, capable young woman. A smart, capable young woman who made a horrible mistake. One that could have ended your career before it began.” Dr. Lowell pursed her lips again.

“I hope you take this clemency for what it is: a second chance to prove to us, to the department, and more importantly to yourself that you can put aside your personal feelings and act in a manner that is both professional and appropriate.”

“I will, Dr. Lowell. I promise,” I let out in a rush, the relief almost crippling.

Dr. Lowell’s eyes bored into mine and I wanted to look away. But I didn’t. I had brought this upon myself.

“We will send you an official letter with the panel’s decision in writing. The letter will also define the requirements of your probation and spell out what will be expected of you. Do you have any questions, Miss Duncan?” Dr. Jamison asked.

“No, sir,” I said, hoping I wouldn’t pass out. I just wanted to make it through these last few minutes and get out of there.

Dr. Jamison nodded, and just like that, I was dismissed. I quickly gathered my purse and hurried out into the hallway.

Brooks, as I had suspected, was pacing, and Renee was chewing on her thumbnail. Both looked up as I opened the door.

Renee got to her feet and rushed over. “What happened?” she asked, sounding almost as frantic as I felt.

Still in a daze, I looked from her to Brooks.

Renee gave me a little shake. “Damn it, Aubrey, what the hell happened?” my best friend and roommate demanded.

“Probation. They put me on probation,” I answered, the words sounding dry and brittle.

“They didn’t kick you out? You just got probation?” Brooks asked incredulously.

I let out a shrill, almost manic laugh. “They didn’t kick me out. I have to meet with Dr. Lowell and Dr. Jamison once a week. And I have to take extra classes on professional boundaries and ethics. And of course, I won’t be allowed direct client contact for a while. But yeah, I’m still in the program.”

Brooks shook his head. “Unbelievable. You’re damn lucky, Aubrey. Maybe now you’ll realize how freaking stupid you were,” he chastised.

Renee glared at him. “Now is not the time for the obnoxious Brooks Hamlin version of I-told-you-so,” she growled, her voice full of venom.

Brooks’s mouth pressed into a thin line, but he kept all further comments to himself.

“He’s right, Renee. I’ve gotten off lightly,” I said as we exited the psychology building. Renee had her arm looped through mine, a much-needed sign of solidarity.

Brooks walked a few steps behind us. He wasn’t saying anything, but I could feel his tension. Things with Brooks had been decidedly strained for weeks. Our friendship had deteriorated after he’d discovered my relationship with Maxx. He had been understandably disapproving. At the time I had been infuriated by his censure, convinced that even though what I was doing would be construed as wrong by anyone else, for me—and for Maxx—it was perfectly right.

But I hadn’t been able to escape the truth: that I had built a relationship with a man who was hell-bent on self-destructing. He had pulled me into his messy world of drugs and emptiness, and I had almost lost myself there. I had allowed myself to be blinded by my desire to help him, to save him, and I had ignored the blatant red flags waving in my face.

Because Maxx’s secrets weren’t the sort that just went away. They were the kind that could destroy you. And they almost had.

Our unhealthy love had impacted everything: school, my friendships, my self-respect. And in the end, Maxx had almost died and I had come perilously close to losing everything.

Now here I was, standing in the aftermath, trying to figure out how to put all of the pieces back together.

But I would. Because there was no other option.

It didn’t change the fact that even though I had made the decision to remove him from my life, Maxx haunted my every thought. The shadow of him was everywhere. I wasn’t sure I could ever truly shake him.

I looked over at my best friend and realized that one good thing had come out of all of this ugliness: Our friendship was stronger than ever. We had a connection that hadn’t been there before. Because if anyone could understand how difficult it was to move past a destructive relationship, it was Renee. Like me, she was trying to rebuild a life that had gone dangerously off-track as a result of her love for the wrong man.

Brooks reached out and grabbed ahold of my arm, pulling me to a stop. “Hey, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be a dick back there,” he apologized, bowing his head slightly.

I wasn’t surprised by Brooks’s apology. He was a good guy who always did the right thing—even when it meant standing beside me as I made some really shitty choices. He had been angry with me over the Maxx situation, and I hadn’t been sure our friendship would survive it.

But when I’d needed him, he’d been there, whether I deserved his support or not.

“You were only saying the truth, Brooks. You don’t need to apologize,” I said.

Brooks took my hand and gave it a squeeze. “I know you’re beating yourself up enough without needing to hear my preachy judgments,” he admonished himself.

I gave him a small smile and then extracted my fingers from his and tucked them into my pockets. His touch felt strange. Not exactly wrong, but not exactly right, either.

Not when my skin still remembered the feel of hands that I missed more desperately than I should.

“Thanks. That means a lot,” I said sincerely.

“If you’re okay, I’ve got to head to my study group. I can come by later . . . if you want,” Brooks suggested. His hesitation was obvious, as though he was not entirely sure he should even be making the offer.

I forced my hand out of its hiding spot in my jacket pocket and took his again, feeling the need to give him some reassurance.

“Of course I want you to come over. But only if you bring the new Nicholas Sparks movie,” I teased, trying for some normalcy in our otherwise abnormal situation. As I looked up at Brooks, his dark hair falling into his eyes, I wondered if things between us would ever be easy again. This odd discomfort made me edgy.

Brooks held on to my hand, his skin lingering on mine for a moment. My stomach twisted, my heart recoiled, and I immediately took a step back. Something that looked a lot like disappointment flickered in Brooks’s eyes.

And I knew then that things would never be as they were. Not until I was able to eradicate the giant, Maxx-shaped elephant that sat heavily on the center of my chest. Even though I had made my choice where Maxx was concerned, he still invaded and conquered me completely.

Brooks gave me a lopsided grin that was more than a little forced. “You got it,” he said, hoisting his book bag up over his shoulder.

He looked at my silent roommate. “See ya, Renee,” Brooks said offhandedly as he turned to walk away.

I let out a sigh and pulled my scarf tighter around my neck to ward off the late-afternoon chill. I was tired of the achy cold. I felt it from the inside out and longed to be warm again.

But I wasn’t sure that was possible.

Renee walked beside me, her chin tucked into the collar of her jacket. “It’ll get better, Aubrey. I promise. This is your second chance. Your time for something more.”

Her reassurances fed a hungry place inside of me. I hoped she was right. I was desperate for that something better.

I can be so much more for you. I want to be everything you could ever want.

It had been only a matter of weeks since Maxx had said those words and given me his heart. Only weeks since he had made promises he hadn’t been able to keep. It was such a short amount of time for my entire life to change.

But it had changed. And now all I could do was accept it and move on.

If only it were that simple.

My eyes were drawn to the brick wall that ran along the edge of the quad. Once-vibrant colors had faded, but I could still see the painting of a woman walking off a cliff, the word Compulsion woven into her familiar blond hair.

It was a small piece of the complicated man who continued to own me.

The tiny, intricate X’s dotted throughout the picture seemed to scream at me, taunting me with their presence.

Even when he was gone, Maxx was everywhere.

His art. His love. His chaos.

I couldn’t escape him.

And I was terrified that in the darkest recesses of my heart I didn’t want to.