Murmuring the Judges

11

‘D’you ever wish sometimes, Andy, that you’d settled for being an engineer, after you graduated?’

‘Or you a lawyer?’

‘Yes, I suppose so. Anyway, does the thought ever cross your mind?’

‘Yes, it does, and it goes straight out the other side.’ There was a sigh, audible on the clear line. ‘Same here. With our sort of polisman, it’s for life, or for as long as your head lets you stand it. How are you feeling?’

‘Okay, I suppose.’

‘That’s good, but don’t go suppressing anything, son. There’s no worse experience in the job than looking at the bodies of innocent bystanders, be they colleagues or civilians.’

‘So I’ve learned.’ He heard the faint echo of his own words, feeding back from the satellite. ‘Whereabouts are you just now?’ he asked.

‘Pulled up in a service area near Macon. Jazz is asleep in his car seat, and Sarah’s taken Mark to the cafeteria to pick up sandwiches. We’re making good time. It’s ten-forty-five here, so I reckon to make the Tunnel by seven a.m. Look for me at Fettes between four and five.’

‘If you insist, but go easy. See you whenever.’

Andy Martin put the phone back in its cradle, and looked at Alex, sat on the sofa. ‘How did he sound?’ she asked.

‘Angry. As you’d expect.’

‘That’s him all right. He’s a funny mixture, you know. As a dad he was the calmest, quietest man you’d ever meet. I don’t remember him ever shouting at me, even when I was being a right wee tick. Yet at work, he can be so volatile. He hates sloppiness, and avoidable mistakes. He hates crime, especially crime against people.’

‘Don’t I know it.’ He slumped down beside her. ‘I envy him, you know, in the way he can just let it all out. You say he’s volatile, and there isn’t a man in the force who would cross him, yet no one’s afraid of him. He can be ruthless with inefficient people, yet no one resents him. He has the ability to tear strips off folk, even bust them out of CID, yet have them thank him at the end of the conversation.

‘Everyone describes Bob as a great detective, which he is, probably the greatest of his time, yet what they don’t realise is that he’s a great manager too, of people.’ He smiled. ‘A rotten delegator, but a great manager.

‘And part of the reason for it is that he cares, and he shows it. I wish. .’

Alex put her hand lightly across his mouth. ‘Shh. Don’t wish for anything. Be content to be different. You’re everything my dad is, only you show it in different ways. Where he’s explosive, you’re calm. Where he can be impulsive, you’re always logical.’

She kissed him lightly on the cheek. ‘Think of this, my love. I’ve inherited my dad’s volatility gene, and no mistake. If you were like that too, how long would we last as a couple?’

‘Maybe so, but that’s not what I’m worried about.’ His forehead ridged into a deep frown. ‘I know I can’t change my nature, and I’m concerned that through it, I’m becoming brutalised. I have to stay controlled because that’s my way. Now Bob, he’s seen terrible things. . he’s done terrible things. . yet through it all, because his emotional make-up allows him to let it out, he remains essentially a very gentle man.

‘Yet look at me. Tonight for example. I get home late, you have dinner ready, you talk about your day, I tell you about my frustration in not having any real leads to these robbers, and about the Chief’s stumbling performance with the press, we put away the plates and that’s it.’

‘That’s fair enough,’ she murmured, taking his hand.

‘But, Alex! Harry Riach’s guts were all over the floor. I saw young Annie Brown at the hospital. Those shotgun pellets tore her to pieces. What sort of a guy am I becoming if I can look at things like that and still be calm, unflappable Andy? Why don’t I cry for the victims?’

‘What do you think you’re doing now?’ she asked him, very gently. ‘You have a very strong mind, my love. You should be grateful that it lets you deal with things like you saw today in that way. It helps you be good at your job and there’s nothing wrong with that. If I can help you, by being your listening ear, and letting you unwind, that can only be good too. I’m not afraid of the details. I’ve seen things too, remember.’ She paused, and shivered, momentarily.

‘D’you know what Sarah told me about Pops?’ she continued. ‘Every time he goes to a murder scene these days, he has to make a conscious effort not to chuck his breakfast, and not to let the troops see any sign of weakness. He copes by being volatile, you cope by being controlled. You’re different men, neither of you any the worse for it.’

He squeezed her hand. ‘Thanks, love. You’re a wise wee soul, aren’t you. I’ll let you be my sounding board from now on. But still, don’t underestimate the effect of this bloody job. When you do it as your dad and I do, it can create a monster inside. We need Sarah and you, to help keep it at bay.’