My Blood Approves

Chapter 14

Milo hugged me like a hundred times and his eyes were welling with tears when I picked up clothes from him. Jack waited in the kitchen for me while I packed my things, because I was hoping that his presence would somehow cheer Milo up, but I think it only saddened him more. It reminded him that not only would he be seeing less of me, he’d be seeing less of Jack as well. When I finally convinced him that I would see him again, he hugged me tightly once more for good measure, and then I escaped.

“We could’ve just bought you new clothes,” Jack pointed out on the car ride back to his house. “That probably would’ve been easier and less painful.”

“I know, but Milo needed to see me. I needed to prove that I wasn’t just gonna forget about him.” I looked over at Jack to see if he understood my sentiments, but he just stared ahead and didn’t say anything. “I will see him again.”

“I’m not arguing with you.” He wasn’t, exactly, but his tone wanted to contradict my claim.

“You don’t think I will.” Just saying it aloud hurt. “Why would you let me promise Milo anything if you knew it wasn’t true?”

“I don’t know anything,” Jack replied with a subtle grin. “But I do think that Ezra will be home when we get back. And it might be good for you to talk to him.”

“You always know more then you let on,” I grumbled, crossing my arms over my chest and sinking low in the seat. “You pretend to be dumber than you actually are.”

“Have you considered that I really might just be that dumb?” he asked playfully.

“I have. Many times.”

He laughed at that, but didn’t say anymore until we got to his place. There would be very little he could say that would comfort me anyway. I was beginning to realize that I may have underestimated the cost of being with him.

When we went into the house, Jack called for Ezra and Mae, and they both appeared in the living room almost instantly. Mae swooped in to hug me like she hadn’t seen me in ages when reality it had been less than an hour. Ezra smiled warmly at me, and somehow, it still made me blush. He had returned today early from the trip, citing that he couldn’t stand to be away from Mae for that long, but Peter wouldn’t return for a few more days. He could apparently stand to be away from me until the end of time.

“So I heard that you’re going to be staying with us for awhile,” Ezra commented, and I tried to decipher if there was any disapproval in it.

He sat on the couch and Mae curled up next to him. They had only been apart for a matter of days, but being around him made her giddy. I wondered if Peter would react anything like that when he returned, but I’d probably be lucky if he even looked in my direction. Something tugged painfully at my heart, and it amazed me that I still even wanted into this.

“Yeah.” I sat on the chair across from them, and Jack sat by my feet, rubbing Matilda’s belly. “Is that okay?”

“I don’t see why it wouldn’t be.” Ezra played with a long, wavy strand of Mae’s hair absently, and she buried her head in his chest. I realized that I hated people who were so comfortably in love, especially when my “love” life was bogged down by all sorts of unnecessary stipulations.

“What’s going to happen?” I asked bluntly. There was no point in beating around the bush anymore. I was living in a house of vampires and certain things were starting to be intimated to me. I no longer wanted so speculate about my future.

“You’ll have to be more specific. There’s a lot of things up in the air for you.” He didn’t mean anything by it and was merely pointing out facts, but it stung just the same. Nothing for me was set in stone, which should’ve been a relief, but I didn’t like having everything feel so uncertain and precarious.

“Exactly.” I took a deep breath and started in. “Am I just gonna live here forever? What happens when Peter gets back? He doesn’t want me around. How is that gonna work with me living here? Should I even live here with him? What if he keeps rejecting me? Am I supposed to just go back to my life? Are you planning on me someday being a vampire?”

“You can stay here as long as you want, regardless of how Peter feels. He has other places he can go if need be. You have made yourself an indispensable part of this family.” Ezra looked down at Mae, carefully choosing his words.

“Peter… No matter how any of us feels, there is a bond between you and Peter that is not easily broken. He might not be ready to accept it now, but he certainly doesn’t want you banished or any harm to come to you. For his sake, as well as our own, it is essential that you remain a part of our lives.” His russet eyes rested warmly on mine. “As such, yes, it would be in everyone’s best interest if you were to turn.”

Looking down at the floor, I exhaled deeply and tried futilely to slow the frantic beating of my heart. I knew they all could hear it, and Jack especially was susceptible to it. The thought of being a vampire, which had crossed my mind much more frequently than I had ever imagined it would, both excited and terrified me, but that was par for the course. Nearly everything about them was simultaneously exciting and terrifying, and I could never seem to reconcile the two.

“Alice, it’s really awesome,” Jack chimed in helpfully. “You’ve seen me.

I’m awesome.”

“Jack,” Mae scolded him.

“It’s not a decision you can take lightly,” Ezra went on, and Mae had gotten a particularly solemn expression. I didn’t fully understand it, especially based on how much she loved having me around and the fact that she made a room just for me before I even lived here. “This is something that changes everything about your life, and it’s irreversible. If you decide that this is what you want to do, you cannot go back. But if you decide not to turn, we won’t hold it against you.”

“It will make your life harder, though,” Jack interjected.

“Jack!” Mae snapped. “You can’t make this choice for her!”

“I’m not trying to!” Jack sighed dramatically and shook his head.

“Well, what are some of the things that I can expect? You know, if I do turn.” My voice was timid and shaky, and even my hands were trembling, so I linked them tightly together to keep it from being more visible.

“The thirst at first is a bit overwhelming, as Jack can probably still attest to,” Ezra gestured to Jack, who nodded heavily in agreement. “All your senses become much more heightened, and all your movements feel exaggerated.

Walking across the room, for example, takes half the effort it used to, so you’ll find yourself stumbling and misstepping until you get the bearings of how your body works. Your emotions are stronger, too. They’re all right at the surface, and you’re generally very volatile. You’re libido increases, and your general lust for everything. Anything that feels good you want constantly. Pain is also extreme, but its much more fleeting than it ever was in human form.”

“It’s almost like being a child again,” Jack elaborated. “Everything feels so new, and you’re clumsy. Anything can make you laugh or cry, and even though your brain is so much faster and you can understand things so much easier, everything is strangely confusing at first.”

“Your body has to acclimate to a whole new way of being. It’s not a simple process,” Ezra continued. “The hardest thing to deal with at first is the bloodlust. The hunger you feel now can’t even compare to what you’ll feel then.

We only need to eat about once a week, but in the beginning, you’ll think you need to eat every hour. It’s a hard thing to learn to control, but it is very manageable once you do.”

“So, you guys are always hungry?” I asked nervously.

“In a way,” Ezra admitted. “But it’s not that intense. If it was, you wouldn’t have survived this long.”

“Thanks,” I muttered and wondered how I could feel so safe in the house with them.

“It’s not meant to be a threat,” Ezra laughed warmly. “It’s just the way things are. For the most part, being a vampire is a wonderful, amazing gift with very little in the way of misery. But there are two things that are double-edged swords.

“The first is the blood,” Ezra went on. “Its life giving, and there aren’t words to explain how it makes you feel. The greatest drug or sex or anything doesn’t even compare to drinking blood. But when you can’t feed for any prolonged length of time, say several weeks, it is the most excruciatingly painful thing imaginable. You would kill anyone or do anything just for a drop of blood.

And before you get your bloodlust under control, the frenzy of feeding can have horrendous ramifications. It is an immeasurable pleasure, but unless it’s properly controlled, it is devastatingly dangerous.”

“That’s good to know,” I swallowed hard.

“I’ve got it under control for the most part, and I have horrible impulse control,” Jack offered, and I did find some comfort in that. As much as I tempted him, he hadn’t bit me, and if it was as extreme as Ezra made it out to be, than that really was saying something.

“The second thing is immortality.” Ezra breathed deeply and looked down at Mae. She had a faraway, sad look, and I hoped that someone would explain it to me. “We’re not truly immortal. If you damage our brain or our heart, or we go long enough without feeding, we will die. But we have no natural cause of death. Barring another vampire attacking us, there really is very little that stops us. We are slow to turn other vampires as a result of it. We never die, so our population needs to be kept in check. So, please, don’t think this is a casual invitation we are giving you.”

“Thank you,” I mumbled, feeling humbled. It actually hadn’t occurred to me that there would be a limit on vampire membership, but it was incredibly flattering knowing that I was even being considered.

“But there is a very heavy price with that,” Ezra continued gravely.

“Everything around you will die. You will see everyone you love whither up and die. Jack is already on his second dog, but I’m sure he’ll eventually tire of burying them and stop getting pets all together. Even this town, it will change, and things you loved and held dear will be destroyed. You will outlast everything. There is more of a burden in that than you can possibly imagine.”

“Does that mean that I can’t see my brother? Or just that it will be painful watching him grow old?”

Ezra shared a look with Mae, who nodded, and then she stood up, saying, “I have to show you something.”

“You’re gonna take her?” Jack groaned and got up. “She doesn’t need to see it.”

“You’re just saying that because you think she’ll change her mind,” Mae said to Jack.

“Uh, yeah!” Jack exclaimed.

“If it would change her mind, then it should!” Mae snapped. “If she doesn’t have all the facts because you kept them from her and she makes a decision that she later regrets, then she’ll spend the rest of eternity resenting you. Is that really what you want?”

“No,” Jack mumbled and rubbed the back of his neck.

“What’s going on?” I asked nervously, standing up.

“I’m going to take you to see something,” Mae forced a smile at me. Then she turned back to Ezra and kissed him. “We won’t be gone too long.”

“Okay. Be safe.” Ezra looked sad to so her go, but he smiled reassuringly at me. “It’ll be alright.”

“What’s going on?” I asked Jack, feeling strangely frightened as I followed Mae out of the living room.

“I guess you gotta go see,” Jack sighed and sat back down in the chair.

“I’ll see you in a bit.”

“Where are we going?” I was right behind Mae, but I could see the drawn look on her face, and I was afraid of what we were going to see that would cause her to look so pained.

“I’ll explain in the car.”

By the time I got into her Jetta, I was filled with nervous anticipation.

Whatever she was going to show me would apparently scare me off of becoming a vampire. I half-expected some horrifying monster or a stash of human corpses or something equally disturbing. What else could there be that would completely change mind about turning? The soft music of Nina Simone playing out of the car stereo did little to make me feel good, and I just stared apprehensively at Mae, who in turn, just stared straight ahead, looking rather tragic.

“I was born in Reading, England in 1928,” Mae explained in a voice so sad, it barely sounded like her own. “When I was very young, the second World War broke out. Towards the end of the war, American soldiers were stationed all over England. Philip was the most dashing young man I had ever met, but at the time, I’d never met Ezra.” She smiled lightly at that, but it didn’t reach her eyes.

“Despite my best attempts at being virtuous, I ended up pregnant at sixteen, and Philip was a very upstanding man, so we were wed. My first child, a son I named Samuel, was born while he was still fighting in the war, and I was still living with my parents in Reading.

“Samuel was five months old when Philip finished his tour of duty, and we moved to the US, to a small flat in St. Paul, where Philip and his family were from,” Mae continued. “The first few months we lived here were truly wonderful.

They were some of the best memories of my life. Then, one night, three weeks before Samuel’s first birthday, I went in to check on him, and he wasn’t breathing.” A solitary tear slid down her cheek, but she chose to ignore it. “The pain never gets easier. Don’t listen to what anyone tells you. Losing a child is… an impossible loss.”

“I’m sorry,” I murmured, unsure of what else to say.

“Everybody kept saying, ‘At least you’re young enough to try again.’” Mae smiled bitterly at the memory, and then glanced over to me. “But I didn’t want to try again. After Samuel died, I spent months curled up in bed. My family, everything I had known and loved, was a million miles away, and my husband, as much as he did love me, was very young himself and he was busy trying to work and start a life for us…” She had a faraway expression for a moment, but then she remembered I was there and snapped herself out of it.

“I was just a little older than you when Samuel died, so you can imagine what it would be like,” Mae looked at me warmly, but I sensed an uneasy warning underneath her gaze. “I understand the excitement of being offered a whole new life with an attractive stranger. But you isolate yourself from everything you know. It’s terrifying.”

“I–I don’t feel isolated,” I offered lamely.

I was trying to understand her reasoning for telling me the story, and where we were going. My guesses were leaning towards Samuel’s headstone, and she was trying to explain the immeasurable the loss a person goes through when they out live everything around them. But she would’ve outlived her baby whether she was a vampire or not. It had nothing to do with the choices she made.

“Nevertheless.” Mae was staring straight ahead, her knuckles turning white from the way she gripped the steering wheel. “Philip, bless his heart, stayed by my side, when a lesser man might’ve shipped me back home for my parents to deal with. Eventually, I managed to pull myself out of the depression and go on with my life. I got a job at a deli to keep myself busy and made a few friends. And then, one day, I decided it was time to start trying for a family again.

“Being pregnant was the most miraculous thing that ever happened to me. To feel this little life growing inside me…” She looked rather blissful, but her gaze got harder when she turned to me. “That’s something you’ll be giving up, you know. Vampires can’t get pregnant. They don’t have children. You will never have a family if you choose this life.”

“I don’t think I want kids anyway.” I had actually thought about it very little, but for the most part, the idea of having a child didn’t sound that appealing.

“Well, you might change your mind when the option is taken away from you,” Mae replied thoughtfully. “It’s just something for you to think about.”

“I will,” I promised her, but I doubted that it would affect my decision at all. Even if she was right, if someday I regretted never having children, I could only make the decision now, based on my current state of mind. And right now, having children didn’t seem that important.

“The day my daughter was born was the happiest day of my life.” Her expression stretched into a deep smile, and her eyes filled with happy tears. Just remembering the birth of her daughter made her swell with joy. “She was so beautiful. Her eyes were huge and blue, just like Philip’s. And she had these soft, downy curls, the same as I had had when I was born. I remember the first time I held her in my arms, and the soft warm weight of her body… I promised her I’d never let anything bad happen to her.” She exhaled heavily, and the sadness started seeping into her eyes.

“I decided to name her Sarah, after my mother.” She wiped at her cheek, trying to catch a tear before it fell. “Everyday with her was absolute heaven. I’m sure every mother thinks their child was perfect, but she really was. She rarely cried, and she woke up every day with this beautiful smile on her chubby cheeks. And she learned so quickly. I had quit my job at the deli just so I could spend as much time with her as I could. Every moment with her just seemed so absolutely precious.

“One night, I was preparing supper, and I realized that we were out of milk,” Mae went on. “At the time, we had a man who would deliver milk in glass jars to our house, but with having a toddler in the house, we went through milk faster than normal. Sarah was almost two, and I had stopped breastfeeding not long before that. Philip had just gotten home from work, and he worked long hours at a factory, so I didn’t want to send him back out. Besides that, the corner market was only two blocks down and it was a beautiful night. I remember that I had been wearing this beautiful spring dress with blue flowers that I’d made from a pattern. It was one of my favorites, and I had been meaning to make a smaller version for Sarah just as soon as I got more fabric.”

She hesitated before she spoke again, and I almost thought she might not go on anymore. Whatever she had meant to tell me had become too painful, but finally, she continued.

“He was so attractive that I would’ve gone with him anywhere,” Mae said bitterly, but she was angrier with herself than him. “I had barely made it a block, and then he just appeared out of nowhere. I don’t suppose you really know what its like since you didn’t react to Jack or anyone that way, but I was in love with him instantly. In retrospect, he probably wasn’t half as attractive as Ezra is, but to my human sense, he was an Adonis. So I never even put up a fight. When he led me away into the trees, I was too intoxicated by him to even think of Sarah.

He sunk his teeth into my neck, and I thought for sure I was dying, but it felt so good, that I didn’t even care. I should’ve been pleading for my life, for Sarah, but I just…”

“You couldn’t do anything,” I tried to comfort her. While I had never been in the exact same position, I knew how impossible it was to think when a vampire wanted your blood. They were made so you’d give yourself freely to them. “It wasn’t your fault.”

“But I loved her!” Mae insisted fiercely. “I just wanted to spend the rest of my life watching her grow up and being a part of her life! But instead I went into a patch of trees, and let a vampire bite me. He drained me, but then instead of leaving me to recover and go back to my family, he offered his arm to me. He said I tasted too good to waste on a human life. I didn’t understand what he meant, and I was still completely under his spell, so I did I was told.” She smiled painfully and rolled her eyes at her own ignorance.

“I had a choice!” Her voice broke sharply. “I’m the only one that did. Ezra was forced into it, and Peter and Jack were done to save their lives. But me, somebody asked me. I didn’t understand what it meant, and yet I agreed to it.

Willingly.”

“But you couldn’t have known.” I thought about reaching out to touch her, but she was too angry.

“For two days afterwards, I laid in the trees, afraid to move,” Mae went on. “Your body is attacked by the virus, and everything is changing and dying and moving. You’re weak and in pain, and I had no idea what was happening to me. Then finally, my strength returned, only much more brilliantly then it had before. And this unquenchable thirst. All the while I had been writhing pain, all I had been able to think about was Sarah and how much I wanted to get back to her. But as soon as I felt that hunger, I knew that I could never go back to her. I couldn’t trust myself.

“Within my first few hours as a vampire, I nearly killed our neighbor, I was so hungry. But after that, my bloodlust calmed down, and I felt safe enough to just check on my daughter. I hid in the backyard and peered in through the window. Before I even got near the house, I heard Sarah crying. Philip was carrying her around trying to calm her down, and he said, ‘I know you miss your Mama. But we’ll find her. She’ll come back to you.’” Fresh tears were streaming down her cheeks, and the car started to slow. We were on a suburban street I had never seen before, and Mae parked on the side of the road, underneath a tree.

“I slept in the woods during the day, and at night, I would sit outside the window and just watch Sarah. She cried for me every night for a month. Philip had the police searching the area for me, so I had to be very careful so no one would spot me.” She sighed heavily. “I lived that way for over six months. I wore the same dress, and mostly, fed on our neighbor, since he was nearby and he had been taken with me. If Ezra hadn’t found me, I don’t know what would’ve become of me. Maybe I’d still be living out behind that house.”

“What happened to your family?” I asked quietly.

“Philip eventually remarried a girl I had known from the deli. She was very kind, and I’d like to believe that she was good to him. They had two more children together, and Sarah eventually started calling her Mom. I don’t know if she even remembers me anymore. It’s probably better if she doesn’t.”

Mae nodded towards a house in front of us, and I saw the silhouette of an older woman it the window. She was carrying a small child, a little boy, on her hip, and she looked happy. There was something familiar about it, and I couldn’t quite place it. Then it dawned on me. Her hair graying wavy hair, pale skin, and even the way she smiled — they were all Mae’s.

“That’s your daughter!” I gasped, looking over at her.

“It is.” She looked pleased that I had been able to see the resemblance.

“She’s a teacher. She used to be married, but her husband left her years ago.

Ezra threatened to teach him a lesson, but I told him not to. Sarah has to live her own life. She’s fifty-four now. She has a daughter, Elizabeth, and that little boy on her hip, that’s her grandson, Riley. My great-grandson.” She smiled painfully. “During the week, she watches her grandkids until eight, while Elizabeth works and goes to school. Riley’s three, and Daisy just turned five.”

“So you just come out here and watch them?” I asked.

“It’s the only way I got to watch her grow up,” Mae explained sadly.

“When she was little, I would come into her room at night and watch her sleep. I even did that a little while with Elizabeth, but Ezra says that I need to start letting them go. I can’t spend my entire existence stalking my great grandchildren and my great-great-grandchildren. Sarah has a wonderful life, and I should just be happy with it. Or at least that’s what Ezra says.”

“It sounds like he’s right.”

“I’m sure he is,” Mae mused. “And I know it will get harder watching her as she grows old and frail. Watching her die.” She swallowed painfully. “I don’t want to outlive my daughter. I outlived one of my children, and I swore that I’d never do it again.” She turned to look at me and whispered harshly. “It is so much harder to watch everyone you love die then it is to simply die yourself.

Immortality is much more of a curse than it is a blessing.”

“But you have Ezra, and Peter and Jack,” I attempted to comfort her. “I know it’s not the same as a child you gave birth to, but you love them too, and you get to spend forever with them.”

“I know, and I am grateful that I have them. Without Ezra, I never would’ve made it this long.” Mae had gone back to staring at her daughter.

Through an open curtain, we could see Sarah chasing after a small girl with soft, blond curls. “Three years ago, Philip died. I cried more than I had thought I would after all these years. But he had always been good to me, and he’d been wonderful father to our daughter.

“That’s when Ezra built the house that we live in, and he said it would be the last place we lived in Minneapolis,” Mae exhaled deeply. “He doesn’t normally like to stay in one city for this long, especially one that has family.

Jack’s mother launched a missing persons search for him after he turned, but they eventually chucked it up to another drunk kid falling in a frozen lake. That happens surprisingly often around here.”

“How does Jack feel about leaving his mother and family behind?” He had never mentioned his family at all, but then again, neither had Mae, and they were incredibly important to her.

“He severed all contact with her after he turned,” Mae explained. “He had never been that close to her anyway. She left when he was very young, taking only his sister with her, and his father raised him, but from what I can understand, his father wasn’t a very nice man either. Then his father got cancer, and his mother was forced to take him back in. Truthfully, I think he was rather happy that he had an excuse not to see her.”

“So why did you all stay here for so long?” I asked, even though I thought I knew the answer.

“I refused to go,” Mae said simply. “But the boys are getting restless. Jack has never lived anywhere else. Peter will randomly go stay somewhere else, but he’s always been more of a drifter. In a few years, I’ll have no choice but to move, and I suppose it will be better for me to remember my daughter this way, while she’s still vibrant.”

“Where will you move?” It seemed ghastly to leave that house behind, a house that was so obviously meant for them.

“I’m not sure yet. Jack has a list of places he’d love to go, but there has been some talk of England since that’s where both Ezra and I were born, and I haven’t been back since I was sixteen.” Then she turned her serious gaze on me. “But you’re not understanding. In two or three years, at the latest, we will be moving, and we probably won’t come back for another fifty years or more.

We may not even come back to America for many years.”

“I don’t understand why that’s a bad thing.” Moving to another country sounded ridiculously exciting. I didn’t know why she made it sound like a threat.

“You will not be able to see your brother again,” Mae explained softly.

“Even if we stayed around here, the best you could hope for is watching him grow old from afar. Even as much as I’ve watched my own family, I never interacted with them. After you turn, you’ll be unable to talk to Milo ever again.”

“But…” I trailed off, trying to think of an argument that would win her over. “But he’s met you all! And why can’t I just tell him what you are? What I’ll be? He’d understand. And he wouldn’t tell anyone.”

“Telling humans just makes their lives worse,” Mae told me gravely. “If you decided not to turn, or if we’d never even offered it to you, can you imagine how you would feel? In a year or two, we just up and leave you behind, here.

Knowing what we are, knowing that we exist. Every time you’re enamored with a boy, you’ll wonder if its just because he’s a vampire. You’ll age, and you’ll wonder what it would’ve been like to stay young forever. And you’ll wonder if you just made it all up, if you’re insane.”

“But you think it would be better for Milo to think that I had been murdered or kidnapped or something?” I asked her incredulously. “That’s the better alternative?”

“You don’t want to watch him die, Alice!” Mae insisted with tears in her eyes. “I know that you don’t love him quite the same way that I love my daughter, but even knowing that Philip died was devastating. Leaving them behind is hard, it is so very hard, and you’ll question it forever. But there is no other option. Immortality requires you to leave everything behind.”

“So you expect me to turn my back on all of this, all that you have to offer, because Milo will die? He’s going to die anyway! Me staying human doesn’t make him live forever!” I countered. “But you and Jack and Peter won’t die. I am meant to be with your family. I don’t know how I could possibly go back to living my life knowing that you’re out there and I’m not with you. You said it yourself. It’s an impossible thing to return back to.”

“You just needed to know,” Mae looked at me earnestly. “You needed to know exactly what you’d be giving up. It’s not fair to ask you something that you don’t understand. I wanted to give you a chance, so you wouldn’t make the same mistake that I did.”

“Are you saying that you don’t want me to turn?” It was painful to think that Mae wouldn’t want me around.

“No, no, of course not, love.” She reached out and gently stroked me cheek. “I would want nothing more than to spend forever watching you turn into the amazing woman I know you’ll be. But I know the price of turning better than anyone, and if I can spare you from any pain, I will.”

“But as a human, people will still die around me,” I argued. She dropped her hand from my face, but kept her sad eyes on mine. “I’ll be touched by even more death as a human than I would be as a vampire. At least you guys won’t die.”

“That is true. But that doesn’t make leaving your brother any easier.” She forced a smile at me, then turned the car back on and drove away from her daughter’s house. “It’s just something that I thought you should think about it.”

“Thank you,” I murmured and sunk low into the seat. I stared out into the darkness, watching the houses and trees roll past us. Mae had started singing softly along with the stereo in attempt to alleviate her own sadness by the time we got back home. She had left me with an impossible choice. Leave behind my brother, or leave behind them.