Myth-Gotten Gains

Chapter 22

RECONNOITER, WAS MY first order, so we bamfed into Walt to scope out the situation. The sky over the scenic and hilly landscape had a faint purplish cast, and in the distance I could hear the sound of music.

Back on her home turf, Calypsa twirled for joy. "Let us go and see my parents! I know they have been worried. Oh, they will be thrilled at our adventures! I want them to meet all of you, and see Ersatz, and Buirnie, and Asti…"

"Barrik's men will be watching to see if you come back," I said. "It's what I would do, and he's proven to be pretty savvy so far. We're not just going to hand the treasures over to him first thing."

Calypsa's face fell. "But they will be worried."

Kelsa's Walt-face disappeared and was replaced by a couple of the locals, a male with dark plumage and a female who was a slightly older version of Calypsa.

"Yes, they are, dear. They're worried about you and your grandfather. And your younger brother. Did you know he had a still in the caves down by the river?"

I waved my hand for the Crystal Ball's attention.

"Can you see inside Barrik's castle?"

The two faces disappeared in a cloud and were replaced by lines of static, then a test pattern.

"He is blocking me, she said. My goodness, that's a strong interference spell! It is even stronger here than I thought it would be."

"So, you're saying we have to go in blind?" Tananda asked. "I've tried that already, and I have to tell you, it's impossible."

"Well, no," Kelsa said. "Look, here!" We gazed into her depths at the image of the castle walls. Down at the base, three figures were slipping around the silhouette of a tower.

"So that proves that we will get information. I will just have to work on getting past his spell."

"You don't need to," Payge said. "I have a floor plan."

Surrounded by an illusion of a hazel copse overlooking the black castle, we watched guards go in and out for a few hours and studied the illuminated elevation on page 846 of Payge's section on Famous Buildings of Evil Overlords and Wizards. We propped up the Golden Hoard so they could look it over with us.

"A fairly traditional layout, with defensive positions well designed." Ersatz said.

I turned over to Figure 3b, which showed a lot of colored arrows lying over the castle.

Tananda whistled. "No wonder Barrik can have magikal protection like he has. There are four major lines of force intersecting above and below the castle, not to mention about six smaller ones. It's a major nexus point."

"So, friend Aahz, what is our plan?" Ersatz asked.

"Plan?" I asked blandly, turning to meet him eye to eye. "There's no plan. Calypsa here asked us to help assemble the Golden Hoard to trade for her grandfather with this wizard Barrik. That's what we're going to do."

"What?" he asked, outraged. "I have heard you say so over these many days, but I still cannot believe that is your sole plan. Having assembled us all, you have no intent on making use of our talents?"

"Why not?" I asked coolly. "You all decided you could ignore mine, and for what I think is the most petty of reasons. As far as I am concerned, you're just a bunch of hot trade goods."

"You are justified in your anger, friend Aahz," Ersatz said, after a moment's reflection. "It is hubris as that which we have shown that caused the fall of Valhal. We will not follow in its wake. We were created to serve mortals in their aims. It would appear that we are acting in our own interests, whether for ego's sake or not. That is inexcusable. You have proven your merit again and again. It was wrong of Asti to complain of your wish to be reimbursed, since it was I who persuaded you to incur the debt. Otherwise I might not yet have regained my freedom, and found such a worthy apprentice to teach." His eyes swiveled to Calypsa, whose eyes were fixed on him in adoration.

"You're right, Ersatz," I said, with a grin. "He has no way to expect your talents. What's your best guess on penetrating the castle?"

The eyes narrowed slightly, but with humor showing. "Why, Calypsa will be expected, but you must be admitted. And if all goes ill you will require a diversion to get out, as well."

"We have one." I turned to Kelsa. "Buirnie said you're no better than a snow globe for predicting the future."

"What?" Kelsa said. She turned to the Fife, whose mouth gaped open. "You said that! I can see it now! How dare you!"

"I told you that in confidence," he protested to me.

"He's not that original a songwriter, you know," Payge said. "I can show you at least a dozen references where Buirnie played music that he claimed he wrote himself, but they date back hundreds of years before. Turn to page 1,047, if you don't believe me."

"You comic book!" Buirnie exploded, loosing a whistle that pierced both of my ears to the center of my skull. "How dare you claim to be the greatest historical archive of all time! Ersatz said you missed out completely on a dozen of his battles. He says you ignored them out of jealousy!"

"That is not true," Ersatz protested. "I said he might have downplayed my role in the wars out of deference to the mortals involved. But I should have been mentioned where I took a part!"

"Your ego is not the point of my documents," Payge said. "It is for the ages."

Tananda grabbed my arm. "It's starting again."

The ground started to shake underneath our feet.

"Make them stop, Aahz!" Calypsa begged me.

"No," I said, with satisfaction. "This is just what we want."

"Hah!" Asti exclaimed. "You provoked that on purpose!"

"Sure did," I said with satisfaction. "You all go up like balloons right on cue. Works pretty well, I think."

Ersatz's dark blue eyes were summing. "Friend Aahz, you are not only an excellent judge of character, but a clever captain of resources."

I grinned. "I bet you say that to all the Pervects. Now, here's what I've got in mind. We're going to give Barrik what he wants. Calypsa's going to go home and visit her parents."

"What?" Calypsa said, after she had finished a spontaneous dance for joy. "I thought you said that it would be too perilous for me and my family if I did."

"Simple," I said. "We want Barrik to think we don't suspect anything. Before her mother's broken out the baklava, Barrik will know that Calypsa is home. Nothing travels faster in a small town than gossip. They'll be talking about the fabulous treasures she's carrying. What they won't be able to tell him is whether they're real or not."

"But of course we are real, dear Aahz," Kelsa said, patiently.

"You are," I said. "But the goodies that Calypsa will be bringing to Barrik aren't."

"Should he not meet us?" Ersatz demanded. "Will we not bring our full force to bear upon this caitiff? He has insulted her family and cast her honored ancestor into durance vile."

"Sure he will meet you," I said, not able to keep myself from grinning. "Just not in the way that he expects to."

We went into a huddle.

Calypsa looked like a baby chick whose mother hen had abandoned it on the doorstep as she stood with her bag full of pseudo-Hoard swag, waiting for the portcullis of the black castle to rise. I didn't like the glee of the Dile henchmen as they marched out and surrounded her. They were plenty rough as they towed her inside. Her parents hung back on the other side of the moat with the rest of the townsfolk, clutching one another in fear. Calypsa kept her back straight.

"That's the girl," I said in a low voice. I felt pretty confident as long as she had Ersatz with her.

Even if she had no opportunity to draw him, he could talk her spirits up. The other real treasure she had with her was Chin-Hwag. I did not like the idea of the Purse falling into the clutches of the Dile wizard, but she was right about the thoughts of endless streams of gold keeping anyone from looking too closely at the fake treasures.

Tananda had done us proud. She had bounced back to Deva to shop for the fakes. I thought the substitute Asti was the best, a deconsecrated chalice from a cult that had gotten shut down by the authorities on Como for tax fraud, bedizened with a wealth of glass gems. The others were pretty good, too, though I hoped Barrik set Calypso free before he opened up the fake Payge. The scam book was a complete collection of "Danger Whelf" comics for the last fifty years, bound in genuine iron pyrite embossed covers.

"I cannot follow her now that the gate is closed," Kelsa said. "My goodness, I'm not used to feeling so helpless!"

"Read my Breaking Updates section," Payge advised us.

As directed, I turned to the header. Beneath it was a series of illustrations, quick-drawn as though they had been jotted by a court reporter. The first showed Calypsa, a tragic expression on her face, in the midst of the guards. The second was a broad image of a courtyard, huge, but with every detail suggested by quick pen strokes.

"Nice work," I commented.

"Thank you," Payge said.

"That's Barrik?" Tananda asked, pointing to a skinny figure in a cloak.

"Not very impressive," I agreed.

The evil wizard, who had moved in and taken over the town, kidnapped at least one of its most prominent citizens, and had set up a ring of spells that defeated even some of the most powerful magik items I'd ever come across, was a skinny, green-scaled geek with an overbite and poor taste in hats.

"Fedoras like that are even out of style on Imper," Tananda said.

"Wait," Payge said, groaning at the strain, "Here come some captions."

A surprised Barrik confronted Calypsa on the steps of a shining black stone dais. "I did not expect you to return… so soon."

"I want my grandfather returned to me," the girl replied, her chin held proudly high.

"In time." Barrik rubbed his hands together. "Let me see them! I want the Hoard!"

Two henchmen ran forward with the bag Calypsa had brought with her.

The next frame merely read, CLUNK!

The one after that was a pair of reptilian eyes, narrowed greedily. "Beautiful. Beautiful. I wish to see a demonstration of their powers."

"When will I see my grandfather?" Calypsa asked.

The eyes again, looking perturbed. "When I am satisfied. Now, show me!"

I heard the sound of plodding hoofbeats, and glanced up.

The ruminant-drawn cart full of vegetables groaned up the hill with one of the Walt townsfolk at the reins. I wouldn't have thought of his tunic with the fancy ruffled sleeves or the patterned silk bandanna tightly tied around his brow as go-to-market clothes, but Calypsa had assured me that Walts loved to dress up no matter what the occasion.

"Our ride's here. Come on. Let's go invade a castle."

Tananda and I lay on the bottom of the cart while the driver piled sacks of potatoes and a few sides of raw meat on top of us.

"I can keep up a verbal narration if you like," Payge said. "I do very good descriptions."

"Just the dialogue," I said. "And keep it low."

"Meanwhile," Payge said, "the brave Calypsa's companions hid themselves in a cart full of food being delivered to the castle."

"Skip the parts about us!" I hissed. "We know what's happening here. Tell me what Calypsa's doing."

"Forgive me." She stands bravely before the slavering Dile and reaches for the first of the treasures. "What is that?" Barrik askes. "A chamois? I don't remember a sponge as one of the Golden Hoard."

"O Barrik," Calypsa says. "This is Chin-Hwag, the Purse of Endless Money. She gives forth gold coins upon request."

Barrik slaveres greedily. "Give me gold. Give me lots of gold!"

Chin-Hwag frowned. "Scaly j… Er, Aahz, do I need to repeat the invective of my fellow Hoarders?"

"Not if it has no relation to the action," I said. "What's she doing?"

"Er, she spits a gold coin into the air, a Meringuian soli-dus. Barrik leapes to catch it. He seems disappointed. He wants more, a stream of gold. Calypsa asks Chin-Hwag to give him more coins. She is producing them, albeit one at a time. There goes a Devan spite. I don't believe they have minted those in six hundred years."

"Perfect," I said. "She'll keep him too busy to notice us."

"Meanwhile," Kelsa said, "we are here, and the guards intend to search the cart. Our driver will put them off successfully, but only if we do not attract attention."

"A guard produces a spear," Payge whispered. "He prods the produce. Aagh!"

"Shh!" I hissed.

"He dogeared one of my pages!"

"Shut up!" I growled.

"What's in there?" a rough voice demanded.

"Cheese curds," the amiable voice of the farmer replied. "So fresh, they squeak!"

"Let's see 'em," the guard said.

"I must not unwrap them; they'll get stale."

"Get'em out here!"

"If I cannot make you happy any other way," the carter said, reluctantly.

We heard things start to shift. There were only two layers of sacks over me. If the guards decided to help, we'd be uncovered in a second.

Tananda's eyes were close enough to me that I could see the alarm in them.

"Someone do something!" she whispered.

Someone did. A terrible smell wafted up and surrounded us all in the miasma.

"Aahz!"

"It's not me. It's Asti."

"What the hell's that stench?" one of the guards demanded.

"I TOLD you, it is the cheese curds!"

"Yeeaagh! You go right on in there to the kitchen, pal. The cook'll cut you to pieces and serve you for dessert when he smells that!"

More grumbling as the sacks of root vegetables that had been removed thudded back on top of me. I waited until the guards' voices receded, and the heavy cart started lumbering forward again.

"We're out of sight," the carter whispered.

"I can't stand it any more," I said. "Turn off the stink!"

"It's not me, Aahz," the Cup protested.

I flexed my muscles, and the sacks slid off my back. I helped unearth Tananda. She brushed powdered dirt off her clothes. I looked around to discover that we were behind the midden heap.

"I stand corrected," I said. The three of us dug the Hoard out. They were all disguised in worn burlap bags. Buirnie and his backup were piled into one carrier together.

"Ah, that's better!" Kelsa crowed, as I pulled her loose. "I can see everything now!"

I dumped the Hoard out of their sacks. Zildie jumped to its feet and shook its drum head until it rattled.

Kelsa's face spun around her globe in delight. "Barrik is very clever about his shield spell. It's most economical, I see that now that I am inside the barricade. He has made a shell of a spell — I mean a spell shell. It is embedded in the walls, probably enchanted mortar."

"Binding spells, see page 10,582," Payge intoned.

"Yes! I couldn't see a thing until we were inside, but now I can see everything!"

"Keep it down," I growled, as Tananda tied Buirnie to Zildie's side. "Let's not attract the attention…"

"Who goes there?" a voice demanded. "Hands up!"

I turned, a big smile on my face. Three long-snouted guards came toward us with their spears pointed in our direction.

"Well, hello, there!" I said. "We got a little lost on the tour. Can you direct us to the gift shop?"

"Guardsmen, ho! We've got a big, ugly one here!" the first guard yelled.

"Who are you calling ugly?" I yelled back. "You look like your mother stuck your nose in a vise!"

The guard captain poked me in the ribs with the spear.

"OW!"

"No talking!"

In a moment, we were surrounded by at least twenty men-at-arms. Their heads were draped in chainmail coifs, out of which their long, pointed faces grinned toothily.

"I can blast their ears off," Buirnie declared.

"I have just the spell," Payge said. "If you repeat after me…"

"Potions, anyone?" Asti asked.

"Which treasure is Calypsa on?" I asked.

"Still on Chin-Hwag," Kelsa said, gaily. "My goodness, how Barrik dances with impatience. It's almost elegant for a creature like him. I didn't think Diles had any sense of rhythm."

"No talking!" the guard barked, prodding me with a spear.

"Have we got enough time to get into the dungeons and out again?"

"Oh, you're going to the dungeons, all right," the chief guard hissed, as more of the contingent appeared and surrounded us. "You're just not getting out again."

"How cliche," Payge sighed.

"That's all right," I said. "We want to go to the dungeons."

"It's very convenient," Tananda said, flirting her eyelashes at him. "It saves us asking directions."

"I could give you directions," Kelsa said, sounding hurt.

"You must be crazy," the guard captain said, his snout bobbing. He waved his free hand at the Hoard. "Confiscate those… things!"

"We're not 'things,'" Asti said, peevishly.

The captain turned to me. "Make them shut up."

"Buddy," I sighed, "If you can get them to shut up, you're doing better than I am."

"Now, move it! March!"

"May I give you an update on conditions in the audience chamber?" Payge asked.

"Just the dialogue, okay?"

"Certainly. Chin-Hwag emitted a noise that sounded like "Ptoo." "Beautiful, beautiful," said Barrik, wizard and conqueror of Walt."

"Save the editorializations," I growled.

"It is like that in the archives," the Book said, sounding hurt.

"Well, save it." I turned to the guards. "Can we get a move on? We're running on a schedule, here!"

"They are crazy," one of the guards commented. "His Enchantedness is going to want to know about them as soon as possible."

"Go report," the captain said.

"Stay here!" I ordered. "We're too dangerous for a reduced squad to handle."

"What?"

Tananda wound herself around the guard and fondled the toothy jaw with a finger. "Look, I'm escaping."

"Back in line, stranger!" the captain commanded.

"That's no way to talk to a lady," she said. She stiff-armed the guard in his long snout, knocking him backwards off his feet.

The whole contingent surrounded us, prodding us with the point of their spears.

Tananda lifted her hands in surrender. "Easy, easy! I don't mind playing rough, but I do draw the line at toys."

If the Dile guards could have blushed, they would have.

"March," the guard captain said, more hoarsely than before.

"Calypsa had better stay on schedule," I said.