Myth-Gotten Gains

Chapter 3

IT TOOK A while to search out the local hostelries that served demons, but with a few threats and a couple of small coins to help spur memories, I got the names and locations of ones where a Trollop might hang out, if she had just finished a successful job and hadn't left Ori yet.

'Demon' doesn't mean 'terrifying monster from hell' as it does to races in backwater places where advanced magik and science are unknown — all right, it doesn't ALWAYS mean that. It's simply a shorthand way of saying 'dimensional traveler,' like myself and countless others who have the means of hopping in between locales at will. That's not to say that when we land in some places we're not considered to be terrifying monsters from hell. Some of the uncomplimentary descriptions I've heard of my kind have been enough at times to make me lose my temper, and anyone you ask will tell you that doesn't happen too often. That is, if they know what's good for them.

The inns where we tend to congregate have a few things in common, such as a magikal link to the Bank of Zoorik, off-dimension newspapers, a host of mercenaries and other be-ings-for-hire, and a hot grapevine where gossip, rumors and job offers are mixed up with the local news. They're not always friendly or comfortable places.

The first demon bar I visited had all the charm of the waiting room in the Bucharest airport. No one was there but a couple of loudly-dressed Imps hanging over a table in the corner drinking up the proceeds from the day's sale of snake oil to the locals. The second had just been raided by the Perrt Constabulary to haul away a drunken Ogre and the angry Salamander he'd ticked off. There wasn't anything left to sit on. All the furniture was smashed or burned, and the Orion proprietor was curled into a furry fetal ball in the corner behind the ruined counter.

We struck lucky, as I could have guessed, in hostelry number three. Even though the lights were pretty low I could see that the place was crowded. Hardly an Orion was in sight except for the bartender and the barmaids who swished their abundantly furry tails playfully around the patrons. Conversations, furtive or fueled by alcohol, were going on in every part of the big room. I walked in with Ersatz displayed in plain sight on my hip, golden hilt and gems glinting. I nodded to a couple of Deveels playing Dragon Poker, and cleared my throat.

"Yo, bartender," I called. "A table for me and my sword."

The elderly tabby Orion polishing bowls and glasses glanced around, then nodded toward a rickety two-top in the corner near the stairs. Every eye in the room followed me as I sauntered over and plopped myself down in a chair. Within moments, I felt a saucy tickle at the fringe of my right ear.

"Surprise," a voice breathed. "Is that a hand-and-a-half in that scabbard, or are you just glad to see me?"

A pair of lips planted themselves firmly on mine. When I could breathe again, I gasped out, "Tananda."

My old associate and even older friend backed away and smiled at me. "In the flesh, tiger."

"This is she," Ersatz said, "down to garments she was wearing when she sailed down the cord in Ella's study."

"How nice of you to notice," Tananda purred.

I let my eyes wander up and down Tananda's body. You can't say that female denizens of Trollia don't know the meaning of the word 'modesty,' but you might decide after having met a few that they have no use for it. Her attire was not only suitable for slipping in and out of small window casements, but for displaying those charms for which Trollops were so justly famous. Her tunic dove low at the top and reached high at the bottom, leaving just enough cloth in place over delectable flesh so as not to leave a trail of stunned males behind her as she walked down the street. Her skin was green, as were her tumbled locks of hair. It all made a very nice package.

"Fancy meeting you here," I said. "Have a seat, babe."

"I thought that was you I saw in the fortune-teller's," Tananda said. The lithe oozing movement that settled her into the chair opposite mine caused a dozen males in the bar to let out a breathy sigh. I gave them a glare, and they hastily went back to their drinks. "There aren't a lot of Pervects on Ori, and none I've seen with your dress sense. What are you doing here?"

"Trying to help a friend," I said. "What about you?"

"Oh," Tananda said, running her finger through a few drops of liquor on the tabletop, "I've got a little job."

"Lifting the crystal ball from a psychic isn't exactly your usual high-level handiwork," I said.

"Visiting one isn't usually on your calendar, either," Tanda countered, with a sweet smile. "Let's stop talking as if we don't know one another. That wasn't an ordinary crystal ball. I have information that says it's part of the Golden Hoard, along with a sword that looks a lot like the one you carried in here. So, let's talk."

I could tell by the look in the one eye visible over the torn scabbard that Ersatz was going to put his two cents in, so I flung up a hand to forestall him. "Let's not start spreading any rumors we can't squelch."

"Fine. I'll show me mine if you show me yours." Tananda grinned lazily at me.

"Promises, promises," I said, grinning back. "Excuse me while I whip this out." I slid the blade about a foot out of the sheath so both of the reflected eyes were visible. "Tanda, this is Ersatz, just like in the legend. Ersatz, this is Tananda."

"My pleasure, my lady," the sword said.

"Mine, too," Tananda replied, giving a little wave of her fingers. "So, what's going on?"

"We need that crystal ball back that you lifted. My friend here has business with it."

"You can't have it," another female voice said, in a strange accent. "It belongs to me, now."

I looked up. A lithe figure was suddenly standing next to Tanda. Where the Trollop was curvy, this girl was aerobics-instructor wiry. Where Tanda's hair fell enticingly all over her shoulders, the newcomer had her sleek black hair plastered down against her head and bullied into a shining knot at the nape of her neck. The rest of her face was a sharp, narrow beak, over which a pair of large, dark eyes regarded me. She looked a lot like a stork, or maybe an ostrich. She was wearing a tight tunic, abbreviated to show her navel, if one had been visible through the covering of feathers on her midsection, and loose trousers that cut off just below her knees.

"Who are you?" I growled. Instead of replying, the girl lifted her prominent proboscis proudly.

"Aahz, this is Calypsa," Tananda said. "My new partner. This place has a translation spell operating for demons."

"I heard what you said," Calypsa continued, her big, dark eyes gleaming. "That is Ersatz, the Great Sword."

"In the steel," I said.

"What do you want for it?"

"Not for sale, babe. He's an independent contractor. In fact, we're working together at the moment."

"But I must have it!" Her eyes flashed again. They were pretty nice eyes.

"No can do. The sword owes me money. We're together until he pays me off. You got a hundred gold pieces?" The girl's eyes fell. "I didn't think so."

The gaze lifted and battened onto mine. "You must understand. I must bring together the greatest treasures of the ages. I need them all!"

A little alarm bell went off in my mind. I met Ersatz's eyes, and I knew he was thinking the same thing I was. The rumor was true. Someone was collecting the Hoard. So, I asked the only practical question.

"Why?"

With the same kind of silken glide Tananda had used, Calypsa poured herself into the remaining chair. The movement looked totally different performed by the two women. Tananda seemed to be careless and sexy, but she had set herself up so she was on guard, ready to spring into action if there was trouble. Calypsa was focused, the energy of her motion aimed directly at me. If she'd been a missile I'd have been spattered all over the bar.

"It is my grandfather," she began. "The greatest dancer in any dimension, the great Calypso."

"What's he need with a sword and a crystal ball?" I asked. "I don't think there's a pair of shoes in the Golden Hoard."

"Once such footgear tried to join us," Ersatz began, "but we chivvied them hence. They were not so much of utility in the courtly art as they were mundane covering for the nether extremities, which the gold did not become…"

"Shut up," I interrupted, without taking my eyes off Calypsa. "Your grandfather did what?"

The proud head drooped. "I come from Walt. It is a peaceful dimension — or I should say, was."

"Yeah, Tootsie, I've been there. Peaceful to the point of boring!"

"Maybe before," Calypsa said. "That was before the evil Barrik arrived!"

"When was that?"

"Ten years ago. I live in a town called Pavan, at the curve of a major river just north of our largest port. At first we made no note of the castle being built on the hillside that overlooked the river. All of our lords like to have large domiciles so that they can host parties and dances. All Walts love to dance. It is in our blood. It is the source of our magik. In fact, a major rhythm was named for our dimension. Have you ever heard of Walts' Time?"

"In passing," I said. "Get on with it."

"We thought nothing of it when the castle grew to encompass the entire mountain top. It was made all of shiny black granite, which we considered an odd color choice, but we were more curious that we never saw anyone working on the building. We believed the stones must be shifted at night by giant elves, or something. It was a puzzle. I myself sneaked up there often as a child, but always when I arrived, the elves had left the building."

I groaned. She gave me a puzzled look, and explained. "There was no one there. Yet the walls grew daily. At last, it was finished. We of Pavan waited to be introduced to our new neighbors, and hold a welcome dance in celebration. Weeks went by. They never emerged. No one answered our knocks at the great wooden doors. We left invitations on the step to our own humble village dances. No replies. We began to think that our neighbor was antisocial. But how antisocial we had no idea! Henchmen like huge, evil birds began to emerge from the castle. They swept down upon our humble homes and captured the finest dancers in the city. Sometimes we would find them again, wandering lost and dazed in the fields, their feet bloody. Barrik had commanded them to dance until they dropped! Their choreography had been inexorably altered. They were never able again to make the magik they had before, such as the Dance of Sowing, so the crops would be healthy, or the Dance of Precipitation to bring the rain. We were all fearful of being swooped down upon and carried off."

"At last, his minions captured my grandfather, the greatest dancer in the land. According to the other prisoners who were set free, my grandfather refused Barrik's orders. He stood, unwilling to yield a single shuffle-ball-change. Barrik threatened terrible torture, but my grandfather would not be treated like a common entertainer. At last, the great Calypso performed the Dance of Insult, fleering his defiance right in Barrik's face. Barrik was furious!"

"Well, hurray for the old boy," I said. "How's this involve us?"

"When Calypso did not emerge from the castle as the others had, a huge group of us went and demanded to have him set free. I stood before the doors, begging Barrik to deliver my grandfather. The next thing I knew, I was in a room before a stone throne. The creature that sat upon it — too horrible to behold!"

I glanced at Tananda. "By the description he's a Dile," she said. "Green scales, long teeth."

"What's wrong with green scales and long teeth?" I demanded.

"Not everyone likes the overlapping shingle look, Aahz," Tanda said, patiently. "Now, I kind of like it, but you know what Troll men look like, so I'm not your most unbiased judge."

"Fine," I snarled. "Get past chapters twelve to forty-eight already. I want the upshot, now!"

Calypsa glared right back at me. "He told me the old man would die for the insult he had given him. I swore to do anything he wished, if only he would free my grandfather. I even promised to do the Dance of Lust for him, but he refused." Her eyes flashed again. "He said the only way I can regain my grandfather's life is to procure a great treasure for him. I must subdue and bring him all the members of the Golden Hoard. He has given me but thirty days to complete the task. Already ten of them have elapsed."

I shook my head. "Guy's a regular Wizard of Oz," I said. The girl looked at me blankly. "Forget it. Before your time."

"With the great crystal I have two of the treasures," the girl went on. "You would not consider helping me by giving me the sword, would you?"

"Au contraire," I snapped back. "I heard a prophecy that says that the Hoard should not be gathered together under any circumstances. Disaster will fall, and all the hokey words."

"But I must save my grandfather! The great Calypso must dance free!"

I looked at Tanda.

"Seems to me the best way is just to break the old man out of the shiny black castle on the hill," I said, reasonably.

"Impossible," Tananda said. "I've been over the place myself. This man takes his Evil-Overlording seriously. There isn't a weak spot anywhere where I could break in and make it all the way to the dungeons without being caught. His guards never sleep, and they're made of stone. Half of them are Gargoyles, half are Diles, and they don't like each other."

I moved on to the next practical consideration. "What about taking out the Dile himself? Remove the head and the body usually collapses."

"Never goes out without heavy-duty magikal shields and about a dozen guards. He's better protected than the next Wizard School novel."

"Hmm." Tananda knew her stuff. Second-story work was a sideline for her. She had been one of M.Y.T.H., Inc's greatest assets with her experience, brains and charm, but she had another sideline: assassination. If she couldn't close with a target, that was serious.

Tananda tried reason. "Perhaps we can work together."

"We are at cross-purposes here, Tanda. Ersatz doesn't want to be collected. All he wants is to have a conversation with Kelsa and we're out of here. I don't have any interest but getting my investment back. I'm on vacation. I'm sorry, kid," I told Calypsa. "Good luck, but you're going to be at least one gadget shy."

"No!" Calypsa protested. Before I could move, she had swooped down and seized Ersatz from where he lay on the table.

I made a grab for her, but she zipped out of reach again.

"How'd she do that?" I sputtered, staring at my empty hands. "I couldn't follow her on a broomstick!"

"The Dance of Speed," Tananda said, amused. "Her family's famous for it."

"Whew! I have never seen a dance that was practical for anything but seduction before."

"Well, get used to it," Tananda said. "She's got a bundle of them. You should have seen her up on that roof. I'm an old hand at second-story work, but that Dance of Balance of hers had her tippy-toeing along the eaves like an Orion."

I eyed the girl, and she eyed me back. Fancy footwork was one thing, but low-down cunning was another. She didn't have any of that. If she was hanging on to Ersatz, she couldn't have Kelsa in her immediate possession.

"Kelsa!" I shouted. "Where are you? Ersatz needs to talk to you!" My voice echoed off the rafters. Everyone in the room turned to stare.

No answering voice replied, but I noticed that the dimness was beginning to lighten. Within moments a golden glow lit the cobwebbed space under the stairs. I could see what looked like a clump of undistinguished rags become incandescent, then blinding.

I grinned at the girls. "Can't talk, but there are other ways of communicating." I got up to retrieve the crystal.

Before I took two steps, Calypsa was in front of me, her narrow chest heaving, one feathered hand held over her head in a flourish. "You shall not pass."

"Don't try me, kid," I said. I stepped around her. She appeared in front of me in the proverbial twinkling, but I was never one to hold with proverbs.

She was fast. But she was light. I picked her up by the elbows and moved her out of my way. She eeled in front of me again. I moved her. I heard a titter of laughter from the rest of the room. I gave the onlookers a snarl. By the time I turned back, Calypsa was halfway up the stairs, the glowing bundle in her arms with Ersatz balanced across it.

"You shall not trick me again, Pervert."

I fumed. Tananda chuckled.

"Give it back to him, Cally," she said to the young woman, who clutched the sword to her breast like the heroine in a bad novel. Tananda couldn't stop grinning. I snarled. "We want his cooperation. Aahz could be your best friend, but taking his toys away from him just makes him bad-tempered."

Eying me distrustfully, Calypsa stepped daintily down the stairs. I snatched Ersatz from her hand and slipped him halfway out of the sheath.

"You all right in there?"

"Si," he replied.

"All right," I said, smacking the hilt home against the worn leather. "I'm walking out of here right now. Good luck, kid. I mean that. No hard feelings," I told Tananda. "I'll figure out some other way of getting paid back."

"Look, Aahz," the Trollop said, winding herself around me in the way of a very old friend and whispering in my ear. "We both have something the other wants. What'll it take to make a deal here?"

"There isn't room for compromise," I said. "You want Ersatz. He's a free agent here. He doesn't want to be collected."

"But we have something you want: information from Kelsa. Couldn't you…come along with us for a while, in exchange for that information? Maybe Barrik will be satisfied having all the Golden Hoard assembled in one place for a moment. Then you and he can go off again."

I eyed her. "You're not going to tell me you believe he will trade the old man for a collection of legendary junk, do you?"

"Friend Aahz!" Ersatz burst out.

"No offense meant," I said smoothly. "Come on, Tanda. You weren't born yesterday."

"Certainly not," Tanda said, tossing back her head full of wavy green hair. "I'd use it as a ploy to get into the castle. I think it will be a lot easier to get a shot at him and save Calypsa's grandfather if we show up carrying what he wants."

"Nay," protested a muffled voice. I pulled Ersatz free. The sharp, dark eyes reflected in the shining blade were alarmed. "Nay, good Aahz. It would be a fearsome thing to assemble the Hoard. Why do you think it has not been done in all these centuries?"

"I'm with him," I said. "I don't invite disaster without a reason."

"Then why did Kelsa say they would be reunited?" Tanda asked, reasonably. "I could hear everything hanging upside down from the window-frame. A green hand — that could be either you or me."

"Or Barrik," Calypsa said, faintly. "He is green, too."

"There," Tananda said, beaming. "So, shouldn't we find out more from Kelsa what she meant?"

"She will not explain properly," Ersatz said. "She has never been able to keep to a narrative."

"We'll get it out of her," I said. I smacked the table with a palm. "Put 'er there."

Very reluctantly, Calypsa unfolded the cloth that contained the crystal ball. The second the folds fell away, we could hear what had probably been an uninterrupted stream-of-conscious-ness, if you could call that babble consciousness.

"…this has all been very exciting, you know. I haven't been carried off in many years! Well, not since I was staying with a Rhinoid fortune teller, and her neighbors stampeded, taking the entire tent with them on the tips of their horns as they thundered across the plains. What a ride that was! I haven't been so bobbled in…" The turbaned head turned around in a circle, and the eyes behind the diamante glasses blinked at all of us. "There you are! My goodness, I wondered why no one answered me. It was dark in there!"

"And she's a seer?" I asked, with a groan.

"She is clueless regarding her own circumstances," Ersatz said, resignedly. "It was ever thus."

"Hi, er, Kelsa," Tananda said, tapping the crystal ball to get her attention. The head turned to look at her. Kelsa beamed.

"Oh, yes, you're the one who stole me! Very deft, you know, very deft. Why, I would think that you're the smoothest thief ever to remove me in…oh, six centuries!"

"Thanks," Tananda said. "Look, do you know why I took you?"

The eyes blinked. "Why, of course I do, dear. You want to reunite the Golden Hoard!"

"Can you tell us why you think it might be a bad idea?"

"It depends, dear. What do you consider a bad idea?" Kelsa asked. "Explosions? War? Fire? Cannibalism?"

Tananda blinked a couple of times. "Yes, those would qualify in my book as bad ideas."

"Of course you do! I can tell just by looking into your soul." Kelsa nodded knowingly.

"Tell us why it's going to happen, then."

"Well, because it is! I told you all before."

"No, it is not, Kelsa," Ersatz said. "Have you no memory? Don't you recall the last time we were all together? What a terrible time that was?"

The large eyes clouded for a moment, then looked alarmed. "It wasn't that bad, dear. Not really."

"Indeed it was, Kelsa," the sword insisted. "I will not cooperate with this. Neither will my friend Aahz."

"Wait!" Calypsa pleaded, leaning toward me. "Is there nothing that you would take to let me have this sword and complete my quest, Aahz? Do you have no heart's desire that I can fulfill?"

"Nothing." I crossed my arms firmly. "One hundred gold pieces, and I'm out of here. That's all I want."

"Oh, that's easy," Kelsa said, interrupting my protest. Her eyes had gone all unfocused again. "He wants his magikal powers restored."

"No!" I bellowed. "Not a single thing! Not a…what?"

"His powers are gone," Kelsa went on telling Calypsa, as if I hadn't spoken. "He's been without them a while now, though he's done well enough by his cunning. Don't discount his brains, dear, in spite of his looks. A foolish trick by a trusted friend, now dead. A joke, but with serious consequences."

"Can it be undone?" Calypsa asked.

"Oh, of course!" Kelsa said. "Why…"

I leaned forward, interested in spite of myself.

"No!" Ersatz exclaimed. "We seek only to locate Chin-Hwag. She can help me to pay my debt. Then we will go. Can you tell me where to find her?"

"Now, wait a moment," I said, holding up a hand to forestall him. "It couldn't hurt to ask the lady. What would it take to get my powers back?"

"Well," Kelsa said, turning her Pervect-face to me. "It might be that the Cup can help. Or perhaps the Ring. The Book would have all that information at his fingertips, so to speak, since all he has is pages. He's full of useful spells. He is, after all, the Ultimate Grimoire."

"Really?" I asked. The possibility of having my powers restored again had never occurred to me. I had been so relieved to be able to wander the dimensions freely with the help of the D-hopper that my imagination hadn't taken me any further — not yet, anyhow. That imagination was operating at full throttle now. I could be a full magician again? Never again to be taken advantage of by some two-bit huckster who had picked up half a spell from the back of a box of Witch Crunchies cereal? Not to set off magikal boobytraps because I couldn't feel the force lines leading into it from sky or earth? "How do I find them? What do I need to do to get my powers back?"

I ignored the cat-ate-canary grin on Tanda's face as she sat back in the chair and swung her boots up on the table top. I was just gathering facts, that was all.

Kelsa squeezed her eyes shut and concentrated. "Hmm. The possibilities are most intriguing. Plenty of scope. You need scope."

"Keep the personal remarks to yourself," I growled. "Just read me the small print, willya?"

"Just a moment, Aahz," Ersatz said, the sharp eyes showing panic. "You cannot agree with their insane plan? It will be a disaster."

"Just considering it," I said, casually. "It doesn't do any harm to hear what she's got to say, does it?"

"No… I… of course it does! Harden your resolve, friend!"

My resolve was already working on a list of people who had interfered with my life over the past few years while I had been powerless. It was compiling a compendium of ways both subtle and nasty for getting even with them, all the while keeping the connection with me out of the picture. I had no wish to spend a single moment involved with any correctional institution, when I was only righting the balance of justice in my favor. Let's see, there was the Geek, and…

"Aahz!"

"What?" I snarled, coming out of a blissful daydream of the whole Merchants Association of the Bazaar offering me a percentage of their profits to avoid having me make information about their business dealings public — all legal and above-board, though underhanded. I liked the mental picture of all of them, hands trembling, handing over bags of gold so big they needed wheels to move. It'd take a while, though to get together enough dirt to make all the Association cave at once, but as soon as I had my magik back…

Ersatz's keen eyes fixed upon mine. "Aahz, listen to me. I have told you of the danger. I, who have fought in hundreds of thousands of battles, have no fear of ordinary war, but I tell you that what these women propose is dangerous beyond recall!"

"Uh-huh," I said, absently. "So, Kelsa, baby, what have you got?"

"Well, Aahz — I can call you Aahz, can't I?" She blinked at me coyly.

"If you get on with it!"

"The path to regaining your powers is fraught with peril. No sure way exists to restoration without redemption. Friendship stands beside you but also in your way. Do not destroy that which is, to gain that which may not yet be."

I wasn't starting to lose patience with her circumlocutions, I was in the next county already. "Get to the point!"

She tilted her head quizzically. "But, that is the point, dear Aahz. All of this is important."

"I'm listening. Which one of the Hoard can restore my powers?"

"Well, I am not yet sure," Kelsa said. "This is what I see at the moment. Look deep!"

I leaned forward and gazed into the crystal ball. The face under the turban vanished. In its place was a dimly lit room with stone walls. No clue there' I'd been in houses, castles, museums and dungeons with the same decor. I saw myself standing on a dais. My image raised a huge golden cup to its lips and drank. As the reflection of me lowered the cup, I saw a huge grin on my face. I knew I echoed the expression as I sat back in the wooden chair. "All right, I'm on board."

"Thank you, Mr. Aahz!" Calypsa leaped forward and wrapped her feathery arms around me. For such a lightweight, she had a good grip.

"But I am not!" Ersatz said. "If you try to involve me in this, Aahz, then know me for your mortal enemy! Our deal is off. I shall not persuade the Purse to reimburse you for my rescue."

"Oh, yes, you will," I said. "You still owe me the cash."

"Oh, no, I won't." His eyebrows telegraphed danger. "You cannot make me."

"Oh, yes, you will."

"Oh, no, I won't."

I draped the silencing cloth over the blade and let him continue his protests in silence. Tananda protested.

"Aahz!"

I shrugged. "What's he going to do? Walk out of here?"

"Oh, but I don't want him to be angry!" Calypsa dropped gracefully to her knees beside the sword and plucked the cloth away. She gazed into the steely orbs glaring out of the blade. "Please, Ersatz, won't you reconsider? I need your help. My grandfather is the mainstay of our family. He is in terrible danger, and only the full Hoard will be able to ransom him free. I know from Kelsa that you are the head of the order. You can persuade the others to cooperate. Please. I need your help."

Her big brown eyes had tears in them. I cleared my throat of a sudden hoarseness. I could tell Ersatz was moved, too. The harsh gaze softened.

"Child, your story touches me. I must continue to warn you that what you seek to do will rock the very foundations of the universe!"

"Please, sir, I love my grandfather," Calypsa begged. "He is a proud man. I know that this time he went too far and got himself into danger. You cannot say no. You just can't!"

Ersatz sighed. "You are courting disaster," he said, then raised the sharp eyebrows to forestall another outburst. "BUT I will aid you. My steel is at your service."

"Oh, thank you!" Calypsa said, joining her palms together in a gesture of thanks. "You will never know what this means to me!"

"Alas, child, you may find out, to your cost."

"Good," I said, slapping my hands together and rubbing them. I could almost feel the lines of force tingling through my hands again. "We're all on board. Where do we start?"