Myth-Gotten Gains

Chapter 8

I SWAGGERED AS I led the others out of the booth, leading them deftly through a party of drunken Vikings negotiating for hide-covered shields. We shoved past an Imp buying yard goods in colors nature never intended, and swung wide around a party of gaping Kobolds taking snapshots of an eight-armed juggler, whose partner was picking their pockets. As we went past a cross street Calypsa went weak at the knees.

"What is that stink?" she gasped, staggering. I caught a strong, malodorous whiff that made me smile.

"Pervish cooking," I said. "The restaurant's not far away."

"No," Tananda said firmly. "Hasn't she been through enough in the last few days? There's no reason to subject her to your kind of food."

I lowered my eyebrows. It had been a while since I had tasted home cooking. Tananda gave me one of those looks that meant business, as in we were engaged in business, and pleasure would have to wait I thought about it. We could split up, but that only meant double the chances that some of the free-lance brigands that shopped the Bazaar could get a crack at the goods we were carrying. I sighed.

Instead, I headed for the Yellow Crescent Inn, where my buddy Gus the Gargoyle pulled strawberry milkshakes for those discerning customers who could use a little privacy when they ate lunch The Yellow Crescent's food was bland, because the diners liked it that way. I could eat it, but I considered it no more than fodder.

To my relief, the other patrons who were in the Inn were all strangers. We didn't have any trouble taking possession of a corner booth, where both Tanda and I could have our backs to the wall. Gus waved to us with a broad stone hand, then came around the counter to greet us.

"Hey, Aahz, long time no see!" he said, extending bone-crushing handgrips with us. "You been away? Hey, Tananda. You look lovely, as usual."

"Hi, Gus," she said, warmly.

"The usual?"

She nodded. I grunted. "Yeah."

Gus turned to Calypsa.

"How about you, honey? You're a Walt, ain't you? Don't get a lot of your kind here on Deva. What'll it be? Milkshake on the house for a friend of my pal here."

Calypsa looked confused, so I shook my head.

"Let the kid here see the menu, Gus, and make sure no one interrupts us, okay? We've got a little business to discuss." "No problem," Gus said. He left a greasy parchment by Calypsa and went back to the counter.

"Okay, Asti," I said, plunking the cup on the table. In her sorry condition no one in the room paid much attention to her. The toys that came with the kids' meals looked more impressive than she did. "Let's talk. There's a few things you gotta understand."

"Oh, I understand," Asti said blithely. "You and this green floozy…"

"Trollop, please," Tananda said, with some asperity.

"As you please…you are a pair of hired hands. Have I got that wrong? If not, then I suggest you listen to this lass. She's your employer, isn't she? She has persuaded you to join her on a mission that tugs at the heartstrings' to save her beloved grandfather. I look forward to hearing the whole tale later, naturally. I love a good tearjerker. And she wants to treat me with the honor that I must inform you I am due. I suggest you listen to her. Obviously, she knows her history. I have anointed kings and queens, blessed babies, cured poison, elicited truth, sealed oaths, toasted dynastic marriages…I'm the stuff of legends, baby, and don't you forget it!"

"So, what if we do find you a different container. Is that going to make you cooperate? No more floods?"

"Possibly," Asti said, the line on her bowl curving upward.

I heard some hubbub coming from Calypsa's side of the table. Muffled exclamations were coming from the disguised sword. Alarmed, the girl hoisted him off her back and put him on the table, blade half out of his scabbard.

"Friend Aahz," Ersatz said. I could see the one baleful eye looking out of the torn leather at me. "At least I counted you friend! Until now."

"What's the matter with you?" I asked.

The eye blazed. "You have promised good gold for a polished and bejeweled husk to carry this wretched, leaky vessel in state — and you have not extended the same to me!"

"What?" I demanded.

"Aye, and I had come to believe that you had respect for me. You, who recognized my quality. You, who bought me out of tchochkedom and who are bearing me forward into an honorable destiny. You, who know my history, back as far as the mysterious fires that gave me birth. You who know the battles I have fought. YOU — would let me go on in this worn and limp scabbard while Asti has a new case to contain her pathetically beaten form?"

"Oh, yes," Asti piped up. "And I want you to find a goldsmith to tap me out again. No sense in continuing to look like the last target on the fence. Oh, and you might see if he can find me a replacement for the oval chalcedony on my foot. I noticed a chip out of it, just at the base…"

I glanced from her back to Ersatz. "No."

"No, what?" Asti asked.

"No to a polish job, and no to a brand new scabbard. And no," I added, as Kelsa started protesting from Tananda's substantial purse, "to a monogrammed miniature bowling bag to contain the world's most talkative crystal ball!"

They all burst out talking at once.

"Quiet," I shouted.

They quieted. I leaned toward Asti, making sure she got a good look at my bared teeth.

"First of all, dixie-cup, I may have taken on a job and need your cooperation to complete it, but you never call my friend Tananda names again. Do you understand? You may be an immortal treasure and have a hundred songs sung about your exploits, but you're still a piece of metal. I can flatten you and use you for a bookmark in my copy of the Perva Sutra. Got that? Second, just because we are working for Calypsa, the arrangement is temporary. When it's over, I'll be a private citizen again, so don't treat me like the help. When she's done with you, you'll be out of immunity cards. Get me?"

"My goodness, he can be touchy, can't he?" Asti appealed to Tananda. "Very well. I apologize for assuming you have no morals. But look at the way you dress!"

"What, this old thing?" Tananda asked, tugging at her neckline so that her assets jiggled fetchingly. "You should see me when I want to attract attention."

"The fact remains," Ersatz said, regaining the floor, "that I, too, merit presentation in a more fitting sheath."

"I thought that one fit fine," I said, but he didn't give me any credit for my wit. Trust a straight sword not to have a sense of humor. He carried on without changing expression.

"This slip is not meet, nor spruce, nor any of the things that I could wish. It protects my edge and, yea, provides me with some anonymity, but as you can see, friend Aahz, it is falling apart! Surely your leather-working associate back there can fashion something in which I will not be ashamed to be seen?"

"Be fair, Aahz," Calypsa said, batting those long black lashes of hers.

"And who is going to pay for this meet sheath?" I countered.

"Well," the Walt said, lowering her head in embarrassment. "Tou are."

"To fit me out sweetly, I am certain that Chin-Hwag will add the price to your fee," Ersatz said, "with an emolument for making the outlay, of course. She and I were always well disposed to one another."

"Oh, that's it!" Asti said. "You promised him a big reward from the Endless Purse as well as restoring his powers! My goodness, I thought you were assisting this girl for the sake of her grandfather! I wish I could give you Scarolzzi fever again, you…you Pervert!"

"That's Pervect!" I growled.

Her accusation stung, but it was the truth. Why hide from it? I was doing Calypsa a favor. So what if I got something in exchange for my help? I wanted my powers back. If I could get them by collecting the whole set of Franklin Talkative Treasures, then I'd do it. I've done worse.

"If we wish to discuss greed, what about you?" Ersatz said, turning to Asti. "You are a member of the Golden Hoard! You are supposed to assist those in need without consideration for material return! The makers who set us on our path would be horrified that you put your base needs in the way of our mission."

"Hmph! I notice that you're dipping into fashion yourself at the moment," Asti said, a superior look on her bowl. "A new scabbard. I suppose you want jade plates carved with the tales of your exploits sewn to it."

"I had already sworn my allegiance to this child and her companions," Ersatz countered. "I had no idea that they would neglect me and my offer of service in their haste to pander to you."

"It's only because she threatened to drown them in bad wine," Kelsa pointed out, cheerfully. "That upchucking trick's always been one of her favorites. Why, I was looking in once when she washed away an entire garrison…"

"You're no better, blinding people or misleading them," Asti said, the line of her mouth drawn into a sneer. "I'm surprised you haven't already asked for a multi-sided box lined with mirrors so you can watch yourself from all angles."

"Why, what a lovely idea!" Kelsa said, beaming. "Although I was very much taken with Aahz's suggestion of a bowling bag. Very compact and cosy. I don't need mirrors to see myself, dear. Besides, if I rolled into one and broke it, I'd probably end up like you, seven years bad luck — or seven hundred. Wasn't that when you first got banged up?"

"Will you stop harping on that?" Asti asked. "Do you think I like looking like this? It throws off my flow."

"Yes, I saw how you got that big thumbprint in your stem. But who knew that curing that Troll of Gnrshkt poison was going to bring his strength back all at once? Well, I did, but I wasn't there. I wish you could have heard me. I was shouting my head off, telling him to let go. Of course, I was ten dimensions away at the time. It was quite a shock to the Kobold I was working for. He nearly forgot to invent the magikal superconductor!"

"That cursed Troll only made it worse when he tried to fix it," Asti said, aggrievedly. "I thought every jewel was going to pop out of its socket."

"Take your dents as hallmarks of your experience," Ersatz said.

"Oh, I suppose you let little nicks in your blade go by, do you?"

"Nicks interfere with my function. I don't see that dents prevented you from causing an unnecessary flood of wine in that forest!"

"Now, now, what do mere appearances have to do with your eternal quest to aid and assist those in danger?" Kelsa asked.

Both of the others rounded on her, united in a common enemy.

"Be quiet!"

"I was only pointing out the obvious!"

"That's all you can do, isn't it? Nothing useful, like cure poison," said Asti.

"Or slay enemies," added Ersatz.

"That's not all there is in life," Kelsa said, imperturbably. That provoked the other two into another tirade.

"They hate each other!" Calypsa wailed. "They will never cooperate, and my grandfather's life will be forfeit!"

"It's worse than that," Tananda said, leaning close to me. "They're causing a buildup of force, right here in the restaurant."

"They're what?" I asked.

"You can almost see it," she said. "I'm not much of a magician, but even I can feel an influx that large. In a minute, there's going to be an explosion if they don't stop drawing in power!"

I put my hands on the tabletop' it was starting to vibrate. Tanda was right. If the Hoard was the source of the disturbance, we were in trouble.

"All right," I said. I turned to the three artifacts, who were bringing up each other's shortcomings dating back at least a thousand years.

"And you predicted that those Imps would create a device so powerful that it would destroy a world!"

"I was right! Three-card monte was the cause of the first decline of the Zoorik economy!"

"What about your poisoning the Gnome Princess on her wedding night?"

"It wasn't poison, you idiot! It was a nerve tonic. So she drank too much. So she fell asleep for three years. What about you…?"

The table-shaking was achieving the proportions of a fraudulent seance. I slammed my hand in between them.

"All right. ALL RIGHT! SHUT UP! KNOCK IT OFF!"

The rafters rang, but it got their attention. The vibration slowed. It didn't cease.

"Why the shouting, friend Aahz?" Ersatz asked mildly. Evidently his beef with me was forgotten.

"Take a look at the atmosphere around us. Magik is piling up in here like dung in a stockyard, and you three have to be the cause. This place can't take it. Can you let the magik out without blowing up the inn?"

Kelsa closed her eyes behind the diamante spectacles. Her face disappeared for a moment, and was replaced by the image of a horrifying explosion that sent a curling fireball into the sky. "Good heavens, this isn't like me!"

"I warned you, Aah2," Ersatz said. "You asked why the Golden Hoard never assembles in any one place for long."

"We'd better get out of here," I said, rising hastily.

"Too late," said Tananda.

She was right. Rumbling began throughout the tent. The ground shook. The pillars holding up the roof started to sway. Around us, the diners held onto their tables. Suddenly, milkshakes began to fountain upward. I got hit by a cold shower of sticky brown liquid. Calypsa disappeared in a hail of fried potatoes. I grabbed a handful of paper towels and sponged cola out of my eyes.

"If you're doing that, stop it," I ordered Asti.

"Good heavens, why do you think it's me?" she asked, innocently. A blob of strawberry milkshake came down with a splat! and landed in her bowl. "Say, that's good! Will your friend give me the recipe?"

I ignored her. The other patrons were regarding us with distrust and concern. One Deveel had thrown himself across his tray to prevent his food from taking off. Sandwiches flew around the room like Frisbees.

"We're going to have to take the food to go, Gus," I called. "Magikal emergency. You know."

"Sure do, Aahz," he said. He turned to load the paper-wrapped food into a white paper sack. I slipped some money over the counter and hoisted the bag into my free arm. "Always good to see you guys."

"Same here," I assured him, hustling the others out the door.

"Where are we going?" Asti asked. "We haven't picked up my case yet."

"We'd better get out of Deva," I said. "I have no intention of paying for damages the Deveels dream up if you three cause an explosion in one of the tents." The reason that insurance never caught on here is that the Deveels started to plan fires and disasters to consume unwanted or unsold merchandise and collect substantial loss reimbursement. It would take a master magician or a master strategist to figure out what had actually been in the tents at the time of the catastrophe.

"What about my case?"

"And my scabbard?"

"And my…whatever I'm going to be dressed in?" Kelsa asked.

"Forget about them. We have to get out of here." I was ticked off because my lunch was going to be delayed by three pieces of ancient bric-a-brac who didn't know how to control themselves in public.

Calypsa laid a feathered hand on my arm and opened large dark eyes at me. "We must keep our promises to them, dear Aahz."

"Look around you, sweetheart," I snarled. "This may look like friendly territory, but if the rumor gets out that we're carrying three members of the Hoard around, we're going to run into trouble. None of us has the firepower to deal with a thousand Deveel merchants all wanting to get a piece of us. Come on."

"Oh, no, not back into the rag bag again!" Asti wailed. "I'll have revenge on you…murfle murfle Perfle."

I wound the bag shut and turned to Tanda. "The tent's bespelled against magikal firepower. Let's duck in there. We can figure out where we're going after that."