77
Many months ago, overwhelmed by guilt at her part in a murder, and shocked by Carver’s apparently callous indifference to what he had done, Alix had cried out, “Don’t you think at all about what you’ve just done?”
He replied, “Not if I can help it, no.”
Carver saw no point in worrying about things that had already happened and couldn’t be changed. He believed that sort of thing could drive you crazy-far better to deal with the here and now. As one of Reddin’s men drove her away from the Hotel du Cap, Alix thought about that conversation and realized Carver had been wrong. Sometimes you could change the past. Sometimes you had no choice.
The knowledge that Carver was alive and well, that Olga Zhukovskaya’s claim he had died was nothing but a vicious lie, had all but overwhelmed her. She had found herself telling lies of her own, leading Carver to believe that she no longer loved him. Her mind had been reeling: confused, uncertain, barely conscious of what she was saying, torn apart by the pain she was so cruelly inflicting upon him. And it had to be that way.
She knew that if she had given Carver any reason to hope, he would have tried to take her there and then. She also knew, because she had been present when Vermulen gave his orders, that her bodyguards would not have hesitated to use lethal force against the man they knew as Kenny Wynter. There were four of them against one of him. Carver would always favor himself against those odds, but she could not afford to take the risk that he would lose. She had suffered the pain of his death once. She could not bear it again, nor the guilt of knowing that she had been its cause.
Somehow she had to find a way of letting Carver know the truth: She was his, she always would be, and she would find a way of getting back to him, no matter how long it took. If he knew that, he would wait for her-she was sure of it.
Meanwhile, she had another, more immediate problem to resolve. As of this afternoon, she was committed to Vermulen. She had sworn a vow of her own free will. Now she had to be seen to keep it.
“You all right, Mrs. V.?” the driver said, looking at her in the rearview mirror. “You don’t mind me saying, you look a bit shook up. Don’t blame you, doing a pickup like that. Must be kinda stressful if you’re not used to it.”
“Yes, it was,” she said, without thinking. All she’d really heard was the name “Mrs V.,” and it came as such a shock, the reality of it, that the rest of his words had been little more than an indistinct blur.
She forced a smile and added, “I’m all right now, thank you.”
“Don’t you worry, ma’am. We’ll get you back to the general safe and sound, so you can enjoy the rest of your wedding night. You know what I’m saying?”
The driver’s name was Maroni. He’d given her a saucy smile and a wink with that last remark. Then he looked more serious, almost embarrassed by what he was about to say.
“Just want you to know, I served under the general, and it’s great to see him looking good again, y’know, like the old days. That’s because of you, ma’am. All of us guys, we appreciate what you’ve done for him. Anything you need, you name it-you only have to ask.”
“Thank you, Mr. Maroni,” she said. “That’s very kind of you.”
He gave her a little nod of the head, as if it were nothing, but she could see he was delighted by the fact that she’d acknowledged him, remembered his name. She was suddenly struck by the bitter irony that her new husband did not even know her real name. He had fallen in love with a woman named Natalia, and so, for the time being, she would have to become Natalia Vermulen for him.
In a way that made it easier. Natalia didn’t know Samuel Carver.